Dear loveleebabe:

First, a side note: if you will be planning to leave, what I would do, if I was you, would be to get legal advice from a resource for abused spouses, and the local police station. Tell them you are afraid of her. Tell them she has threatened you with and ask if there is a chance for her to make real her threats. If possible, make a formal police report listing her threats, in detail. You may find out, after talking to the police, that there is no way for her to legally get you in trouble, and if you file a police report against her, there will be a record of her threats made before you left.

Now to answering your question:”I could walk out the door right now, but what about what will happen. ? Is she going to hurt me? Is it worth th risk? What is yur other thoughts” –

These are my thoughts: yes, it is worth the risk to leave. If I was you, I would leave and never go back. The moment I leave, it will be one way. No going back. The only way I would ever be in her physical presence would be in a courthouse with guards present. I would never talk to her on the phone or correspond with her. Any and all correspondence, if any, will be between my attorney/ legal representative and her.

It is worth the risk because if you leave and never go back, you will rescue yourself from a life of abuse, humiliation, submission. For me, this is not a life worth living. After all, I know this kind of life. I lived it with my mother. I would rather be dead then go back in time and live this way again.

Please post again, anytime.

anita

Dear loveleebabe”

Thank you for your empathy, I appreciate it very much. And I am sorry as well that you had an abusive mother and are having an abusive wife. Often an abused child, and you were an abused child, grows up damaged and ends up in future abusive situations. And you are in one. So as to your question with an exclamation mark (not really a question): “How in the hell did I marry an abusive woman!”- well, unfortunately it happens often enough: you get used to being abused as a child and you tolerate it later, being used to it, not knowing a difference, how it can be otherwise.

This is why I think that counseling will help you a lot, to come to believe that you don’t deserve abuse, that you deserve to be respected, that you deserve empathy and respect… and that it feels good, and is more important by far than the conveniences you have where you live.

If you don’t want to go to a women’s shelter, maybe you can contact them regarding therapy available for abused women? I mean, you are an abused woman. Maybe look at the Free Resources above (click Home)? You got to get some help so to stop being abused…!!!

anita

Dear “trapped yet comfortable” loveleebabe:

I understand trapped-yet-comfortable. So as long as you are comfortable, you will stay in the situation. Why would I urge you to exit a comfortable situation (I am asking myself)?

And trying to answer my own question as I type: …wrong question. The right question is: should I try to talk someone into leaving a comfortable situation? My answer: no, because that would be a waste of time and effort. People don’t leave comfortable.

So as long as you are comfortable, you will stay. There has always be discomfort in life, even if and when you leave. The choice is not between the life you have and peace-and-happiness when you leave. There is always struggle, in healing itself.

If you chose to leave, it would be leaving behind a struggle that takes you nowhere better in your mind and life and choosing a struggle that takes you to a better place in your mind and life.

Going back to the title of your thread: a tricky choice, isn’t it? Between struggle… and struggle?

anita

Dear loveleebabe:

If I give you a push in the direction of the exit door, so you leave this place where you live, and you are on the streets, or in a shelter, or elsewhere, and suffering, in great distress, will I be there to hold your hand? To take you in where it is warm and comfortable and loving?

Unfortunately, I will not. I will still be sitting here on my recliner, with the computer on my lap, typing.

This is why it is not responsible for me to push you, to pressure you to leave. Because I won’t be there with you, in person, once you leave, to help you.

I too lived in abusive homes as an adult. I left at times but ended in other abusive living situations. This is another reason why it won’t make sense for me to push you. If and when you leave, you have to heal and continue to heal so indeed to get to a way better state of mind and life. The journey is long.

Please do post anytime.

anita

Dear loveleebabe:

Thank you and looking forward to your next post.
anita