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TRICKY SITUATION NEEDS ADVICE

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  • #106778
    Love
    Participant

    Hi there. I’m starting a topic because I need a place to vent and get advice and opinions. I’m hoping somebody has gone through a similar situation or knows better than I do, how to approach things..
    So this is the summarized version:
    I am currently married, I have been for the past almost 8 years. I broke up with my wife, but technically we’re still married living under the same roof. She’s decided to let me stay here while I find work, save up money for my own place/renting with others, and will even help move my stuff. As we have discussed, the conditions are that once I get a job I’d pay her $50 a week in rent, I’d have all amenities. ? Laundry, wifi, food, all my stuff etc. I also need to be here for her as she has diabetes and lots of anxiety/panic attacks. Also take care of our cats nd clean the house.
    Thats all well and good, I have time to clean the house, help her, sort and pack my stuff, and save money. Bear in mind, I have no money, no car, no resources, no friends locally for help
    The main issue I continuously run into is her attitudes/reaction to me. She is bipolar and type A and very self centered and can be very mean to me. Even with the bipolar aside, shes been extremely insulting, belittling, condescending, and calling me names, its neverending.. shes verbally and emotionally abusive.
    Plus when she doesn’t get her way, even the smallest of things, she can threaten me… with changing the wifi password, to enforcing the law and calling cops. Im very worried at times when it gets bad. I dont have friends, and she keeps tabs n me… if im on the tablet for hours, if I hide my phone, if I erase texts, if I go out rollerblading too often, if I do my makeup… She’s very suspicious and untrustworthy. I’ve done some untrustworthy things in the past… But we’re broken up..but since I’m living here, are still married and I still have to go by her rules technically. ?
    So how do I deal, what do I do,? Stand up to her, go along and stuck it up?? Help

    #106783
    Maria_L
    Participant

    hello,

    I am sorry to hear that your (ex) wife is bipolar 🙁 I know it’s difficult to judge someone with such mental illness but I also know how difficult it is to also live with a loved one that has it. My partner had the most traumatic childhood living under the same roof with verbally and physically abusive bipolar father. They needed decades till they got financially independent to move out from the same roof and during that time they went through hell with his sister and mother. Because of him I got very interested with the topic, especially because it’s an illness that can be easily inherited and I was scared that he or our future children might have it (though to be honest, he is 34 and i haven’t noticed any sign of it the last 8 years we’ve been together’).

    I am not sure if she gets any professional help in form of medication and counseling, but she should, immediately… The best you can do is catch her in one of her better days and convince her to get some. Lately there are options for many medications that can provide these people life with much better quality, and though not every pill works for everyone, it is the very rare individual who doesn’t find a medication, or combination thereof, that significantly helps. And psychotherapy… It’s a must. If not you, someone else, close and dear to her should come and convince her to take a more serious approach to this (there are also many other methods.. but, we are not here to cure your wife, it’s about you this time).

    My advice is also for now, till you get your independence, to talk to a counselor too. Because none of us here are professionals, and I am not sure we are qualified to provide significant help for your situation, cause it’s of a more delicate nature. I am just talking from experience… I also had a friend while I was younger that started manifesting bipolar behavior.. And her mother called me to tell me how to act with her when she is in her manic state, what questions (not) to ask, when to call for help (after she has spoken to psychiatrist). So while you are under same roof, do it, because I can also tell that people living with bipolar people need professional guidance too.

    Though we can partially blame your wife because she is ill, also, I know for sure that no one can blame you (or anyone) for refusing to live or maintain relationship with this kind of person, because it is very difficult and challenging one. It’s a choice you make, to deal with it or not. Since you are divorced it looks like the choice has been made, and now I can only wish you the best of luck to gain your independence. If it comes unbearable, stay with a friend of relative even in further location, because when you are there she uses you as an outlet for her manic urges. It seems to me that you have many tangled relations with her that are all result from your financial dependence from her. Do not ‘get comfortable’ in your prison, i know it wasn’t your life goal to be her nurse, housekeeper, pet keeper in exchange for roof over you head. It’s time to look outside the box and free yourself, explore more solutions. Start thinking about who will replace you once you get your own life… In the meantime get any help you can afford, if nothing else through internet research about how to deal with bipolar person. As i said, it’s a special situation, a medical one and rules and advice that come from common sense do not apply here…

    #106790
    Love
    Participant

    Thank you for being the first to reply. I appreciate that you can come from an experienced standpoint. I mean ive been “comfortable” almost 8 years. Ive basically taken on rule ed of maid, husekeeper, caretaker, nurse, pet carer, cook, and helping with her through all of it.. not exactly the place I want to be in like. Shes 13 years older and in bad health.. im nearing to 30 and we married I was 20, so I want to recreate my life again.not trying to be selfish, or say she is a burden or anything, but im not livig for me im living for her and its really been a feeling o of “how I can be of use to her” we’re basically dependent on each other, her moreso because I’ve starched to detatch myself as a “lover and wife” but TV im still at odds struggling with the disrespectfulness. I mean the things she says, the way she comes off, her mannerisms and body language can quite frankly be ugly and hurtful. I know shes aware… shes very smart. Im just concerned A for my emotional and mental healthTV andB if I can stay motivated to do what I have to do to move forwardr for myself.
    Shes on meds and tried therapies and dven couple therapy. ? Shes very independent, in the sense she doesn’t want anyone “telling her what to do” even her mother, even if they have her best interest at heart

    #106792
    Sandy
    Participant

    @loveleebabe, My advice is to keep your head down and focus on getting financially stable so you can get out of there and restart your life. It sounds like you’re in a toxic relationship. One thing I have learned in life is that you can’t help everyone, you sometimes have to help yourself and that may mean that you can’t help or be someone’s caretaker. I hope you find the strength to get out of that situation. Good Luck.

    #106797
    Love
    Participant

    Thanks @Sandy
    That means a whole lot! Im trying my best, my best friend said I should have a plan b, c, etc if it doesn’t work. Any suggestions

    #106805
    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveleebabe:

    There is no way to live well while being abused- it just can’t be done. There is no way to endure it and be okay. There is no way in heaven or in hell to make living with abuse somehow okay. Even for a person with no money and no friends, your very situation, living with a person who abuses you cannot be a good or not-as-bad option. You have to get away. Be it to a homeless shelter, some kind of shelter where you can be housed and fed until you stand on your feet, maybe a place where you can get some counseling.

    Get out, free yourself from abuse!

    anita

    #106825
    Rock Banana
    Participant

    Get out of there, however you do it. I’m imagining that’s not the sort of experience you’re wanting to be having every day. If you feel current circumstance really forces you to be in this situation, then you’re not seeing all the options that really exist since they’re probably moreorless infinite. But even if you do unnecessarily restrict yourself to this one possibility, another thing you could do is change a lot of your beliefs around it and not take it personally etc. In other words if you feel you have to stay in this environment, you could use it to teach you how to deal with this kind of shit without it bothering you, a self-development project as it were. Every time you feel bad about something she says that shows you are taking it personally and processing it as a threat etc., you could work on that. Apart from that learning experience this just sounds like an unhelpful situation, so I recommend detaching and going your own way.

    #107026
    Love
    Participant

    Thanks.. itd be helpful to have a plan b if plan a doesn’t work

    #107031
    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveleebabe:

    If plan a involves abuse, plan a is not working.
    anita

    #107500
    Love
    Participant

    What’s a good plan b

    #107505
    Nan
    Participant

    Think hard, what would a good plan b look like, loveleebabe? Staying?
    Getting out and leaving the situation somehow, some way, must be thought of. If you stay, the leopard will not change their spots……….
    Think of a plan, and then take steps to get there. Even baby steps. ” Not to decide, is to decide.”

    #107506
    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveleebabe:

    Plan b, to leave the abusive person/ home where you are currently living, that is, saving yourself from abuse, should be the Only Plan, so I will call it Plan O.

    Plan O has to be made and executed ASAP.

    You are welcome to start working on Plan O right here on your thread. Start the planning in your next post and I for one, will reply, comment, give you feedback, suggestions.

    anita

    #107540
    Love
    Participant

    Awww Thank you ! It’s so overwhelming, and sad to say talking online is my only release. I’ll keep posting 🙂

    #107552
    anita
    Participant

    Dear loveleebabe:

    As far as plan a, which is what you are doing now, living with the woman, you wrote in your original post: ” I also need to be here for her as she has diabetes and lots of anxiety/panic attacks. Also take care of our cats nd clean the house.” Well, seems to me like she needs you, more than the weekly rent. She needs you because she has diabetes and panic attacks… and cats and a house to clean.

    Use her needing you to insist that she treats you with respect. Switch your view from it being you who are needy of her (and therefore tolerating her abuse) to her needing you, and therefore tell her exactly, specifically what she should not say and do if she wants you to keep helping her. You have leverage to use so to enforce being respected for as long as you are there.

    anita

    #107653
    Love
    Participant

    Thanks @anite.
    Let me give you a little snippet of what it’s like. We got home from dinner, I said I wanted to lay down in the bedroom and she should probably eat in the living room.. well later on she took it as I was “not letting her eat in her own bedroom” which is totally not what I meant. ? She got pissed off and “kicked me out” I had “20, then 10 then 5 mins to pack n leave” “I better figure something out”
    So feeling like I had no option
    I texted and called an old friend to pick me upASAP
    She flipoed out and bottom line shegt cops involved and texted him pretending to be me saying about a restraining order etc, yu get the idea..
    Then after sll this xv she says you know we couldve talked. As in I feel set up, tested, and controlled by isolation.
    How can she force or threaten to kick me out yet when I do she cuts off my only resource. Now she has my phone..

    Like I saidthis is one of the more major incidents, now we’re acting like everything is status quo..
    So, what do I take away from all this..

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