Home→Forums→Relationships→TRICKY SITUATION NEEDS ADVICE
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Anonymous.
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June 19, 2016 at 8:28 am #107654
AnonymousGuestDear loveleebabe:
What I am taking away from the incident you described is that she is a crazy woman, unreasonable, almost completely divorced from logic and basic human decency. She seems to be motivated by a desire to punish and keep you there, punished.
And so, I would say Plan A is not possible and Plan O, is the only reasonable plan, that is removing yourself from this abusive situation.
If you stay, what does it mean about you, do you think?
anita
June 19, 2016 at 9:01 am #107667AnonymousGuestA later thought: In your original post on this thread you wrote: “Bear in mind, I have no money, no car, no resources, no friends locally for help” But on your latest post here, you wrote that once she told you to pack u and leave, you “texted and called an old friend to pick me upASAP”-
so there is a place to go for you, if she kicks you out. But you won’t leave. I am thinking you want to stay where you are. Why?
anita
June 20, 2016 at 3:57 am #107737
LoveParticipantI just psted a k lo long response and sadly it disappeared. D you have an email or messenger or a way we could simply cht, id love to talk t you more about this withut having to risk losing everything I typed lol. Thanks
June 20, 2016 at 11:10 am #107769AnonymousGuestDear loveleebabe:
I have a solution to your concern about your future typed post being lost, a solution that will work for me as well: after you type a post, copy the post (Ctrl – C) and then submit. If the post disappears, the paste it and submit again.
anita
June 20, 2016 at 3:41 pm #107785LoveParticipantthanks anita
June 20, 2016 at 3:42 pm #107786LoveParticipantWhat do you think plan o is
June 20, 2016 at 5:44 pm #107788AnonymousGuestDear loveleebabe:
If it is still possible to call that old friend and stay with that friend for a while, then I would pack my stuff and leave ASAP. Otherwise, pack your stuff and move to a shelter for abused spouses- since you definitely fit the abused part. Plan O stands for the Only Plan that is reasonable when you are abused, and that is to remove yourself from the home where you are abused or to remove the abuser from the home.
There is no “tricky situation” here. It is an abusive situation. And you are quite used to being abused, as so many people are, (as I have been), and so you are thinking there is a way to … endure it better, to not feel as much pain over it. Is that so?
anita
June 21, 2016 at 3:09 am #107826LoveParticipantIf the answers are so clear cut, why cant I just do what I gotta do, find work cean huse save money n leave, or simply pack n leave, part of me is scared shell try t hurt me (get cops involved) if I leave withut warning, etc. Im trying to fgure vi ut f things are so hard here why I cant just cut n run
June 21, 2016 at 5:43 am #107830
NanParticipantWhy would she get the cops involved? What is the illegal thing you are doing, that would require cops?
June 21, 2016 at 6:43 am #107833LoveParticipantShe uses “getting the cops involved” as leverage, either to intimidate scare or control me or keep me doing what she says, at least tats hw I interpret it.
Back in2010 we had a domestic dispute that resulted in a no violent contact order as in if I get violent to her im arrested etc.
She stirs things up with cops.. she buffed the othr night and told them my friend who was gnna help me had guns and threatened to hurt us. Th He refore isolating me, even though she lied. Shes not above lying and manipulation to serve her self. She can tell the cops I stole from her, which shes dne before, which is BS. She can say I was violent, that I am deserting the marriage when shes disabled, oh boy she can say whatever she wants and theyll go along and believe her. She can paint me into a corner. That is available my fear… that I will have a trail of “her” following me wherever I go. Im scared and she is a complete liar yet she calls me a liar because I dont cook dinner when I say I will.
This is the absurdity of things. It feels like I have to go along with this plan “A” or I will have trouble follow me.
I just want to be free and feel at ease and live a new life, im not living.. im existing, its deprssing.
yet im to blame always Because her health is in jeopardy and im not caring, im being selfishJune 21, 2016 at 6:47 am #107834LoveParticipantThe othrr thing that baffles me is this: im home all day, aside from cooking and attending to her whims and needs, I have time to clean and pack and plan, but im not.. or moving very slowly. One would tink, if its this prssing why am I not in a available hurry to get out… im being laz XT or unmotivated or procrastinating. ? I dont know why.
June 21, 2016 at 9:09 am #107845AnonymousGuestDear loveleebabe:
You asked a very good question: if you are so abused (and you are), why aren’t you leaving? Why is it so difficult? My answer: it is the nature of abuse to make the victim weak. It is part of the abuse: to lead you to believe that the abuse is your fault, that if you leave you will be in danger. To lead you to believe you will not succeed leaving her; that danger will come to you if you leave her.
So you are scared and unmotivated: who wouldn’t be scared of perceived future danger, and who wouldn’t be unmotivated to do what you believe will fail?
She is keeping you in a sort of prison. Her lock is scaring you. So you stay there imprisoned by fear. And then, you got used to it, just like prisoners who get used to the benefits of prison: watching TV when available, eating, playing chess with other prisoners, making their own alcohol secretly and drinking it- enjoying all the little pleasures they can get being in prison. And so, they get comfortable, “institutionalized”- it is called.
Is this what happened and is happening to you?
anita
June 21, 2016 at 11:01 am #107852LoveParticipantWow, that’s a really good way to describe it, and honestly I hate to admit it but I think you are correct all around. Ts very hard to admit it to myself because I’m not this “kind of person”
Yes I havd benefits staying ike my TV stuff aundry tv music internet food a nice bed etc, but im certainly nOT living or c challenging myself. Time is a going by.
I could say I’m comfortable and its not “soooo bad”
But like you said, the leopard cannot change its spots.
And yes, im blamed for everythingggg
So I start to doubt my ownself identity self eorth confidence all that..
Soo what is a solution if I am fearing just leaving period.
I could walk out the door right now, but what about what will happen. ? Is she going to hurt me? Is it worth th risk?
What is yur other thoughtsJune 21, 2016 at 11:08 am #107854LoveParticipantThe funny thing is, I don’t tonk she knows or feels she is “abusingme”
Actually she says I am the one abusing HER
When I don’t feed her or I keep the house a mess or fight or keep her up at night…
And if I sigh the wrong way that’s what she calls “attitude”
So I wonder if she recognizes her behavior. She’s very smart as a person, manipulative, calculating. ? Yet because I ran away in the middle of the night twice.. im the calculating shady one. But I didnt feel I could flat out tell her.
Now weve discussed it, and im suffering day to day. So even leaving… do you really tonk y plan A will work.. because I’m effectively cleaning ghe house or closer to ajob. I am just depressed and unmotivated.. id rather put in my headphones put on music and “escape” so to speakJune 21, 2016 at 11:42 am #107855NanParticipantHI loveleebabe,
You indicated you ” ran away TWICE in the middle of the night”…….Why did you go and why did you come back? Also, you said she tried to throw you out and you had to call a friend to pick yu up ASAP. Did you go? Why did you come back? You are the housekeeper and slave in this situation. And you are still married status, correct? It is easier to deal with the “known” situation than the “unkonwn” of what she may do to you. Only you can get yourself moving or not. Right now, you say you would rather put your headphones one and escape. That is easier than figuring out Plan O, right? -
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