fbpx
Menu

Triggered by a story and now I'm extremely anxious

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryTriggered by a story and now I'm extremely anxious

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #182245
    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    this is probably specifically because you know my past. So today someone from my high school posted some serious things on Instagram, involving how her sister molested her and she just remember 7 months ago even though it happened when she was four years old. Of course, my anxiety and OCD latches on to this hardcore because this is something I have feared all my life, something happening to me and not being able to remember. So of course, here I am again. Anxious. Worrying if I can’t remember something.

     

    Ive told you many times how I reacted bad to a rape movie, and ever since then have wondered if it’s my subconscious telling me something that I have forced to forgotten. I’ve told you plenty of times that I had an uncle that was very rude to me, would bully me in a way because I had a lot of money compared to his family. I went home one day and broke down crying telling my mom how mean he is to me etc. he’s always been my #1 prospect in my mind if something happened because he was the only adult I’ve ever had conflict with as a child. I remember that day I went home crying, he was making jokes about me and my family revolving money. We were in the car with my aunt cousins and they were dropping me off at my house. When I got off the car, he was playing around and picked me up put me across his shoulder and dropped me off at the door (obviously this is so dumb but of course my OCD ATTACKS this) and now I’m thinking to myself, omg did I become triggered because he grabbed me? Is that why I cried? Because my subconscious felt fear because of things that happened when I was young and can’t remember. I know this sounds ridiculous and when I type it I know how stupid, because obviously I was crying because he was making jokes in the car about me and I didn’t like it.

    but because I read that post on Instagram I googled “can kids really forget trauma” and of course see tons of things like “yeah” “maybe it comes out in other ways like hearing stories, watching movies, and being anxious because of it because the subconscious knows something like that happened to you. So now I am stuck in a rut thinking that stupid grabbing me over the shoulder thing & watching that movie… I was triggered because of past trauma.

     

    I was always a normal kid. Loved everyone was very talkative, happy, social, loved my grandparents, adored my step dad, was never afraid of men from what I can remember. I had a very normal child hood. Of course, I think as well what if I reacted bad because well I used to see my biological dad hit my mom… and maybe I just didn’t react well to being grabbed because of what I had seen in my early years. I also remember that day I went home crying my mom asked what he did and I told her and she sai drhays it? And I responded “what do you think? He’s going to hit me or something seriously mom”. Like I didn’t even know assume anything sexual or anything, like at that time in my life I thought being physically hit was the worst thing that could happen”.

     

    when i write this down I know all my feelings are justified and I know it sounds ridiculous to think the worst but of course I can’t help it because of how I reacted to that movie at 10 & still react when I hear sexual assault stories etc. from what I can remember, I was always fine around him never was scared of him… nothing. I was always willing to be with him and that family and never avoided him until I was 10 because I was scared of confrontation with him because I had told my family how mean he was and I know he knew that I had said I was bothered by his comments so as a normal 10 year old I didn’t want to be around him because I thought it would be awkward since he knew I said he was an ***hole lol.

    Idk how to stop thinking that maybe he did something and maybe that’s why I reacted that way. It’s like I hear these stories and since I have anxiety and OCD my head tries to get me to believe something happened or that some day I’m going to wake up and just REMEMBER, and I have a full blown panic attack. I’ve been to therapist before and have told them and they always assure me nothing happened that I would remember and that I wouldn’t be as normal as I am and would have showed signs immediately after and wouldn’t be functioning as normal as I am, but after hearing stories like what I heard I can’t help but be afraid that what if I just randomly remembered something happened & I panic. Please help in any way you can, thank you always!

     

    Btw I have been amazing. No anxiety for a good almost month now. I’ve been so great and I hate that this stupid post has backtracked me and I don’t want to panic like this around the holidays especially when I have been so so so happy.

    #182249
    Danielle
    Participant

    and then I think about it… and I am like ok, so worst case scenario, lets say something did happen. Why do I feel like it would change my life? I am still a great person, I wouldn’t change, I would still have the great childhood I had, I would still be the same woman… I would just be another statistic. Nothing would change me. The world wouldn’t be over…once I tell myself that, my OCD lessens because I realize it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I wouldn’t be this “new person” or a “victim”. I would still be me… my anxiety and OCD latch on to this because it causes me to believe that if I did discover something, my entire life would be over. Even though again, I really doubt something happened. I just have anxiety and OCD and any 10 year old is going to react in a weird manner if they just discovered by a movie that sexual assault takes place within families (thats what happened in the movie). And any 9 year old is going to cry if an adult is making fun of them because of their money, its just logic. But of course, I catastrophize everything because of my illness. I just don’t think I would be so functioning and been so fine hanging around this family member and his children if something happened. Also, if I was around this guy it was always around my two cousins, we would sleep together, eat together, there was never a moment where I was alone with this guy that I can remember. Also, he was in jail for 3 years of my young childhood, so that takes 3 years out of a possibility. But besides that, since I was probably 4 years old. He is just a good target for my biggest fear because there was conflict with him as a child, he isn’t a good person (went to jail, would hit my aunt), and well he would just be the easiest person to attach my fear to because it would be the most believable.

    #182251
    Danielle
    Participant

    but then another thing that makes me anxious is like what I’ve told you, when i was 10 and i reacted bad to that movie, why did I have this thing that I wanted to lie and say something happened to me? What if it was my subconsious telling me something happened to me. That is what freaks me out… even though you’ve told me multiple times I probably wanted to lie because I didn’t believe myself because my mom convinced me something happened because I reacted that way to a film. Its just a mess, and I haven’t gotten this anxious about this situation in YEARS. And every therapist I have ever seen they have reassured me nothing has happened that I wouldn’t be so functioning etc, but somehow, in moments like this, I forget all that reassurance and tell myself they must be wrong.

    #182355
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    The story you read recently on Instagram may be true and it may be not true. There is such a thing referred to as “false memory syndrome”. And there is such a thing as a lie. It is possibly a true story, but not necessarily so.

    From my experience, what is common is that children do remember traumatizing events from childhood, only they remember those without the emotions, in a numb kind of way, so the event runs like a movie but without colors. Amnesia is uncommon.

    As a matter of fact, you do remember the traumatizing events in your  life. You do remember that movie, how you reacted, your mother’s interrogations, how badly you felt being interrogated, you do remember all these things. No amnesia.

    Those interrogations by your anxious mother, having an anxious mother, this is what injured you, and you remember those things.

    Post again anytime, Danielle.

    anita

     

    #182397
    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    thanks for the response always! Absolutely the story could be false, and I’m praying to God that it is. I know that family is all sorts of messed up and crazy and definitely not normal to the naked eye. Of course I read it though and my OCD latches. I know there are tons of beliefs on repressed memories and I didn’t really know if it was something that was actually true since there were so many speculations, so it was always something I put off and tell myself “I would’ve remembered”. So when I see that someone from my howntown experienced my BIGGEST fear that I’ve had in me since I was a 10 year old child, well you can say I had a total meltdown.

     

    One thing about me is that that I have the BEST memory. I remember everything. I remember my graduation when I was 4 years old, I remember random nights with my grandparents and cousins, I remember everything. So I thought to myself, is this some defense mechanism… remember everything so you can’t remember the bad stuff. Even though like you said, I do remember bad stuff. I remember my dad hitting my mom once, I remember my panic attacks after my OCD came about, I remember being worried about many things, I do remember  some bad things in my childhood, but what if there was something worse.

     

    I always go back to that movie incident. Would I really have been that wound up about a movie that didn’t even relate to my actual life? I always say I didn’t know people did things like that to eachother until I watched that movie at 10 years old but really I actually remember in my earlier elementary years my mom telling me “never let anyone touch you, always tell me, always have a buddy etc” I remember the conversation perfectly. So I was aware before that, why did that movie cause so much anxiety and panic? & then OFCOURSE I go to the situation with my uncle, WHY did I cry so much and get so mad when he was making sarcastic comments about me and put me over his shoulder? It scared me that at the time him grabbing me was “triggering something that I repressed and didn’t know”.

     

    Ii talked to my mom this morning because I couldn’t sleep and she kept reassuring me that I was never strange, quiet, she never suspected anything. She also kept reassuring me that she and my biological dad never liked that uncle and I was never with them ever. That if I slept somewhere it was with my grandparents with my cousin who was 3 months younger than me and my bestfriend. That’s another thing, I was barely ever alone. I was always with cousins in my childhood I feel like if something happened I would’ve spoken about it to kids, tried to experiment with kids, and like I said I was the most outspoken child on earth, aka why I had no issue telling my mom “he’s being mean he’s making fun of me” because I was always open. Which is another reason why I feel if something did… I most definitely would’ve said something lol or at least would have changed my demeanor.

     

    I guess what scares me is that I watched that movie so young, just 10 years old, so much of my hildhood I actually WAS scared of men, rape, molestation, etc. because I was triggered so young and instilled a great amount of fear. So I keep going back in my head wondering “was I scared before the movie incident? I remember being scared sleeping everywhere, was that after?” When I am 99% sure all the incident I am thinking of were definitely after the movie. But it is my childhood so it was in me growing up.

     

    Then of course, I go online and all these website “oh repressed memories do exist, they can’t manifest in different ways, like phobias or OCD behaviors and once again… PURE PANIC. “Omg that’s what it is. My memory is repressed so that’s why I have OCD.” Another website even said some kids don’t remember until they are triggered by a “film, story, etc” you can only imagine what happened here lol pure panic AGAIN. “wow that’s what it was, the movie triggered my repressed memory”. I know I 10273882% was not raped there was never an opportunity for that seriously, but maybe molested I’m not sure. That would be my fear. Only because as a child I was around so many unstable people and families, my dads family had that uncle, another alcoholic uncle, a troublesome older cousin than me, an alcoholic great grandfather, a bipolar grandfather… my mymoms side was fine honestly besides that I lived with my grandma and my grandmas friends daughter and her boyfriend lived there at one point with us I think… but overall my parents were young (19) so didn’t have the best crowd of friends so I guess I just hate that I was around all these really not safe people and can’t remember my memories with them. My mom reassured me I was never alone never would sleep anywhere that she was always around with me, which well I believe because she is very anxious I don’t think she would let me just sleep and stay and hang out anywhere whatsoever.

    #182399
    Danielle
    Participant

    Actually Anita, I don’t believe my OCD even started after that movie. I believe it was a couple weeks later in the shower when I thought to myself “imagine lying and saying xyz raped you”. And I panicked because that was my first instructive thought of my entire life. I know it was OCD as I remember having many weird thoughts around that time period like “why don’t you lick glue or yell in the middle of class while the teacher is teaching”. I just remember being at the movie and I had never had a panic attack before and I thought I was going to die. I made my mom stop the car because I kept thinking I was going to throw up but never did because I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I just feel that reaction is sooooo serious/dramatic to just watching a film?

    #182401
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    It is my experience and understanding that a child, when a particular event is repressed and removed from accessible memory, it is not only that event that is repressed but a whole lot around it. For example, I remember very little of my childhood. Way, way less than what you remember. I have some of those no-color memories (getting some color recently), but I don’t remember.

    And so, the fact that you remember so much tells me there is not likely to be a particular event or series of events that you repressed in isolation.

    Thing is, with anxiety and OCD that reassurance by others work short term. You can learn to .. reassure yourself when experiencing a flare up, like that recent one. You can quiet down that OCD when it screams at you, like it did recently. All by yourself. Kind of… hush it. Sh… not giving it the time of day to create that storm, that turmoil.

    It is a practice that you can master, over time.

    anita

    #182403
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    Just read your latest post, the one you submitted a minute before my most recent post. And I remembered I had other thoughts about your post before last.

    OCD is about getting scared of our thoughts. But there is no danger in thinking anything. You can think anything and the thinking doesn’t make it happen, good, bad or indifferent. This is the truth. When you feel calm, think about it, check it out.

    Regarding why the movie caused you such an alarm, it could be that what you remember now of that alarm, that distress, is tainted with everything that happened after the movie, the interrogation and the beginning of your OCD a couple of weeks later, so a … retroactive alarm was added to the original alarm.

    anita

    #182409
    Danielle
    Participant

    Thanks for that. Yes no I remember like so so so much I remember my school plays all through elementary, I remember everything about anything. Seriously lol it’s pretty crazy it really is. So again, doubt I would remember so much and some not so good things. Even when I was 10 and went to therapy, she even told my mom my reaction was normal especially anxious children. Again I also tell myself I probably didn’t react so horrible the movie itself, I probably just felt uncomfortable and scared and my heart starting reracing so like all panic attacks, the panic makes the situation so much worse. And that’s why I spiraled, it probably wasn’t even the movie, it was probably just the anxious feeling that made me uncomfortable and crazy. & to teaching our to my mom and asking for reassurance I agree. I tried for probably 9 hours alone but I couldn’t sleep so I needed her to just reassure me that I was normal and I wasn’t around men alone and I was always happy and not scared of him and not scared to interact with him. Because since I can’t remember my entire childhood, she’s the only one that can tell me I was FINE. And again like I always tell you, I was so excited and happy to go home for the holidays and my anxiety had been so well managed and my relationship has been amazing and I’ve been sleeping so good and generally just VERY happy, that anything that I think could trigger a “low point” I panic more thinking “omg what if I get anxious for another 4 months again (like I did when I was 10 & 15) and I am low and depressed and so scared and can’t enjoy the holidays and another upcoming vacation thinking about this. But I have to tell myself I let myself get like that because I was young and unaware what I was even experiencing. I didn’t know I had OCD, I didn’t know anything. So I thought I was crazy for thinking these crazy things like “lie” “imagine you hurt someone” “imagine imagine imagine”, but now that I’m older and I am in control and I have been diagnosed. I am not going to let myself get to those low points because I know I actually have something wrong with me, and there is no reason for it. I just have it. Something didn’t have to happen to me for me to be like this. I have met many kids that have been abused and they are VERY different from me. Very quiet shy timid awkward not social very odd. I was always such a fun kid, until I was 10 and formed pretty much a sort of phobia over older men because of the film. So much of my childhood I was scared and I have to accept that I was scared because I was exposed and shown the idea of something that I was too young to understand and see.

    #182411
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    I didn’t watch the movie  but read about it, read the plot and it is definitely not right for a child to watch. There is a reason why there are ratings to movies, the R rating- it is because it can damage children watching it.

    As I read the plot I thought to myself: wrong, wrong for Danielle at 10 or 11 to have watched it!

    anita

    #182439
    Danielle
    Participant

    Do you have any thoughts on why I was like having compulsions to lie? Never once even got close. Even told my mom like I want to lie and say something happened and I don’t understand why. It never happened before my exposure to that film, it happened after for years and sometimes still does happen. Of course I never go through with it but the thought of it drives my mind crazy. And I know a lot of my childhood after that movie I had this thing where I wanted to say something happened when it didn’t. That’s another thing that scares me, like was my subconscious mind trying to get me say something from my possible “repressed memory”. I know it’s dumb and I know that only happened because I wasn’t aware why I was reacting that way unless something happened and I didn’t want to seem crazy as a kid for thinking that way, and has a 10 year old all my thoughts would be justified if something did happen. Maybe I just wanted to “normalize” myself and not make it seem like why am I thinking these thoughts if I am fine. You understand?

    #182467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Danielle:

    I understood the first part of your recent post. And I remember when you first shared (on another thread, long ago) that you felt the need  to lie and say that something did  happen with your step father. You shared then that that “compulsion to  lie” what  you call it now, was a result of being repeatedly interrogated  by your mother.

    When your mother interrogated you following the movie, it means she  asked  you if something happened with your step father, you answered No, and she asked  again. This clearly means she didn’t believe you, meaning  she thought you were  not saying the truth. So she introduced to you the concept  of you lying.

    No wonder the “compulsion to lie” started then.

    Danielle, your mother wronged you by having you watch that movie (in her presence, an R-rated  movie), and she  was wrong  to interrogate you (she could have asked once, very gently and then let  you be). This is what I do understand.

    anita

    #182515
    Danielle
    Participant

    I am not sure if she asked many times, but I just know she said i don’t care if it was him i would leave him in a heartbeat blahblahblah. she just scared me thinking that i could say something that could end up breaking my family apart. something that was just a fear in my head. how could a fear possibly be capable of ruining my entire home. thats what gave me anxiety. and it was almost OCD knowing that made me anxious and it was more of “imagine if you lied and your whole family was ruined, you have the capability of doing that. its like when ocd people have thoughts to hurt people and its like if you hurt someone you would go to jail, imagine doing that–> triggers anxiety –>you wonder if you did do that and how you are totally capable of it.

    so last night, my grandma calls me. I am very close to my grandma and she’s known about my anxiety for years. i tell her about the post, how it triggered me to think omg what if that happened to me and i repressed it, and so i told her i start thinking of anyone that i interacted with in my childhood. i mention my uncle (she doesn’t like him either he’s just sarcastic and rude)and i tell her and she starts laughing omggg danielle just cause you read a post doesn’t mean that happened to you, you were never with that guy alone, you were always a happy kid etc. i felt better discussing it with her and her telling me it was just a trigger not that anything happen. i then text her hey please don’t say anything LOL i don’t want anyone to think i am accusing them of anything etc. her response through text came off that wrong way and REALLY triggered me “she said of course not. and do not tell your dad or grandpa because it would destroy the family and cause so many problems”. so you already know what happened here…. triggered as a 10 year old “omg a fear of mine is capable of destroying the family”. and now i feel like my anxiety is actually WORSE.

    I called her back and she reassured me no danielle of course not i don’t think anything happened i am 100% it is your anxiety, if i was concerned i would’ve been asking you questions not laughing. i just meant don’t say anything because men sometimes can’t understand fears and emotions as well and they might take it the wrong way thats all. but here i am…full of worry, once again. just wanting to enjoy my vacation and the holidays.

    #182521
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Danielle:

    It has been a pattern, for you to be triggered before a vacation/ holiday, when you expect to have fun. This is the OCD specialty: to rain on one’s parade. Knowing this is the OCD’s… specialty, there is a way to prepare for it, once you start thinking about a vacation, expect it… so you take away from it the Surprise Advantage!

    Now I do remember you sharing before the fear of destroying your family if you lie and say that your step father molested you. The fear is about having the power to destroy those we love, if only we materialized our thoughts…

    If only, if you could place a pause, a gap between thinking and doing, understanding that in that gap you can choose, you will be less afraid, not afraid at all. If you understood, really understood that you have the power to choose thoughtfully and not compulsively. If you trusted yourself.

    Reads to  me, again, that better not reach people for reassurance, because often enough the opposite results. Maybe I am a person to reach for reassurance, because I am more aware of what triggers you. I don’t know. I hope so.

    anita

    #182607
    Danielle
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, for all your constant amazing advice. I swear sometimes I think you shouldn’t do this for free because you are so committed.

    Its true. When you have OCD and anxiety you tend to forget the middle ground between a thought and an action, and that is a choice.

    I feel confident that I would never make up a lie and had a pretty good evening last night. Then this morning I was caught on the thought. “Why did I cry that day when I got home from being with my uncle, aunt, and cousins.” “What happened to have me CRYING”. Because I remembered my uncle has been bullying me in a way FOREVER. He would make comments about my outfits, my hair, my dad, how I was the gradnparents favorite and not his daughter, and just constant nagging and annoying comments that made me not like him or in other words want to “avoid” him…. and now as an adult, I associate avoidance with danger. So in my mind throughout much of my life I associate him with danger, which is why I have such strong feelings towards him.

    I remember that day, he was making comments I was getting annoyed and upset, and then when we got out of the car, he grabbed me put me over his shoulder, and it made me even more upset and nervous because I kept saying put me down omg you’re so annoying. And then I went inside and started crying to my mom saying how mean he is blahblahblah. But my anxiety says that’s not a good enough reason, because I was used to him being mean. Why did I cry that day? Why was I so upset? I remember my mom immediately asking me omg what did he do to you!!! And the first thing that popped into my head because I hadn’t seen the film yet… was “what do you think. He hit me or something? Are you crazy”. But even with that, my brain says did something else happened?? Was it that day??? What happened that you “can’t remember” and I get anxiety.

    what are your thoughts on this? Does it seem odd to you? I’m not sure if I’m overanalyzing it bad it’s making me so anxious, I just want to move on from the thought

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.