but then another thing that makes me anxious is like what I’ve told you, when i was 10 and i reacted bad to that movie, why did I have this thing that I wanted to lie and say something happened to me? What if it was my subconsious telling me something happened to me. That is what freaks me out… even though you’ve told me multiple times I probably wanted to lie because I didn’t believe myself because my mom convinced me something happened because I reacted that way to a film. Its just a mess, and I haven’t gotten this anxious about this situation in YEARS. And every therapist I have ever seen they have reassured me nothing has happened that I wouldn’t be so functioning etc, but somehow, in moments like this, I forget all that reassurance and tell myself they must be wrong.

Anita,

thanks for the response always! Absolutely the story could be false, and I’m praying to God that it is. I know that family is all sorts of messed up and crazy and definitely not normal to the naked eye. Of course I read it though and my OCD latches. I know there are tons of beliefs on repressed memories and I didn’t really know if it was something that was actually true since there were so many speculations, so it was always something I put off and tell myself “I would’ve remembered”. So when I see that someone from my howntown experienced my BIGGEST fear that I’ve had in me since I was a 10 year old child, well you can say I had a total meltdown.

One thing about me is that that I have the BEST memory. I remember everything. I remember my graduation when I was 4 years old, I remember random nights with my grandparents and cousins, I remember everything. So I thought to myself, is this some defense mechanism… remember everything so you can’t remember the bad stuff. Even though like you said, I do remember bad stuff. I remember my dad hitting my mom once, I remember my panic attacks after my OCD came about, I remember being worried about many things, I do remember  some bad things in my childhood, but what if there was something worse.

I always go back to that movie incident. Would I really have been that wound up about a movie that didn’t even relate to my actual life? I always say I didn’t know people did things like that to eachother until I watched that movie at 10 years old but really I actually remember in my earlier elementary years my mom telling me “never let anyone touch you, always tell me, always have a buddy etc” I remember the conversation perfectly. So I was aware before that, why did that movie cause so much anxiety and panic? & then OFCOURSE I go to the situation with my uncle, WHY did I cry so much and get so mad when he was making sarcastic comments about me and put me over his shoulder? It scared me that at the time him grabbing me was “triggering something that I repressed and didn’t know”.

Ii talked to my mom this morning because I couldn’t sleep and she kept reassuring me that I was never strange, quiet, she never suspected anything. She also kept reassuring me that she and my biological dad never liked that uncle and I was never with them ever. That if I slept somewhere it was with my grandparents with my cousin who was 3 months younger than me and my bestfriend. That’s another thing, I was barely ever alone. I was always with cousins in my childhood I feel like if something happened I would’ve spoken about it to kids, tried to experiment with kids, and like I said I was the most outspoken child on earth, aka why I had no issue telling my mom “he’s being mean he’s making fun of me” because I was always open. Which is another reason why I feel if something did… I most definitely would’ve said something lol or at least would have changed my demeanor.

I guess what scares me is that I watched that movie so young, just 10 years old, so much of my hildhood I actually WAS scared of men, rape, molestation, etc. because I was triggered so young and instilled a great amount of fear. So I keep going back in my head wondering “was I scared before the movie incident? I remember being scared sleeping everywhere, was that after?” When I am 99% sure all the incident I am thinking of were definitely after the movie. But it is my childhood so it was in me growing up.

Then of course, I go online and all these website “oh repressed memories do exist, they can’t manifest in different ways, like phobias or OCD behaviors and once again… PURE PANIC. “Omg that’s what it is. My memory is repressed so that’s why I have OCD.” Another website even said some kids don’t remember until they are triggered by a “film, story, etc” you can only imagine what happened here lol pure panic AGAIN. “wow that’s what it was, the movie triggered my repressed memory”. I know I 10273882% was not raped there was never an opportunity for that seriously, but maybe molested I’m not sure. That would be my fear. Only because as a child I was around so many unstable people and families, my dads family had that uncle, another alcoholic uncle, a troublesome older cousin than me, an alcoholic great grandfather, a bipolar grandfather… my mymoms side was fine honestly besides that I lived with my grandma and my grandmas friends daughter and her boyfriend lived there at one point with us I think… but overall my parents were young (19) so didn’t have the best crowd of friends so I guess I just hate that I was around all these really not safe people and can’t remember my memories with them. My mom reassured me I was never alone never would sleep anywhere that she was always around with me, which well I believe because she is very anxious I don’t think she would let me just sleep and stay and hang out anywhere whatsoever.

Thanks for that. Yes no I remember like so so so much I remember my school plays all through elementary, I remember everything about anything. Seriously lol it’s pretty crazy it really is. So again, doubt I would remember so much and some not so good things. Even when I was 10 and went to therapy, she even told my mom my reaction was normal especially anxious children. Again I also tell myself I probably didn’t react so horrible the movie itself, I probably just felt uncomfortable and scared and my heart starting reracing so like all panic attacks, the panic makes the situation so much worse. And that’s why I spiraled, it probably wasn’t even the movie, it was probably just the anxious feeling that made me uncomfortable and crazy. & to teaching our to my mom and asking for reassurance I agree. I tried for probably 9 hours alone but I couldn’t sleep so I needed her to just reassure me that I was normal and I wasn’t around men alone and I was always happy and not scared of him and not scared to interact with him. Because since I can’t remember my entire childhood, she’s the only one that can tell me I was FINE. And again like I always tell you, I was so excited and happy to go home for the holidays and my anxiety had been so well managed and my relationship has been amazing and I’ve been sleeping so good and generally just VERY happy, that anything that I think could trigger a “low point” I panic more thinking “omg what if I get anxious for another 4 months again (like I did when I was 10 & 15) and I am low and depressed and so scared and can’t enjoy the holidays and another upcoming vacation thinking about this. But I have to tell myself I let myself get like that because I was young and unaware what I was even experiencing. I didn’t know I had OCD, I didn’t know anything. So I thought I was crazy for thinking these crazy things like “lie” “imagine you hurt someone” “imagine imagine imagine”, but now that I’m older and I am in control and I have been diagnosed. I am not going to let myself get to those low points because I know I actually have something wrong with me, and there is no reason for it. I just have it. Something didn’t have to happen to me for me to be like this. I have met many kids that have been abused and they are VERY different from me. Very quiet shy timid awkward not social very odd. I was always such a fun kid, until I was 10 and formed pretty much a sort of phobia over older men because of the film. So much of my childhood I was scared and I have to accept that I was scared because I was exposed and shown the idea of something that I was too young to understand and see.

Do you have any thoughts on why I was like having compulsions to lie? Never once even got close. Even told my mom like I want to lie and say something happened and I don’t understand why. It never happened before my exposure to that film, it happened after for years and sometimes still does happen. Of course I never go through with it but the thought of it drives my mind crazy. And I know a lot of my childhood after that movie I had this thing where I wanted to say something happened when it didn’t. That’s another thing that scares me, like was my subconscious mind trying to get me say something from my possible “repressed memory”. I know it’s dumb and I know that only happened because I wasn’t aware why I was reacting that way unless something happened and I didn’t want to seem crazy as a kid for thinking that way, and has a 10 year old all my thoughts would be justified if something did happen. Maybe I just wanted to “normalize” myself and not make it seem like why am I thinking these thoughts if I am fine. You understand?

I am not sure if she asked many times, but I just know she said i don’t care if it was him i would leave him in a heartbeat blahblahblah. she just scared me thinking that i could say something that could end up breaking my family apart. something that was just a fear in my head. how could a fear possibly be capable of ruining my entire home. thats what gave me anxiety. and it was almost OCD knowing that made me anxious and it was more of “imagine if you lied and your whole family was ruined, you have the capability of doing that. its like when ocd people have thoughts to hurt people and its like if you hurt someone you would go to jail, imagine doing that–> triggers anxiety –>you wonder if you did do that and how you are totally capable of it.

so last night, my grandma calls me. I am very close to my grandma and she’s known about my anxiety for years. i tell her about the post, how it triggered me to think omg what if that happened to me and i repressed it, and so i told her i start thinking of anyone that i interacted with in my childhood. i mention my uncle (she doesn’t like him either he’s just sarcastic and rude)and i tell her and she starts laughing omggg danielle just cause you read a post doesn’t mean that happened to you, you were never with that guy alone, you were always a happy kid etc. i felt better discussing it with her and her telling me it was just a trigger not that anything happen. i then text her hey please don’t say anything LOL i don’t want anyone to think i am accusing them of anything etc. her response through text came off that wrong way and REALLY triggered me “she said of course not. and do not tell your dad or grandpa because it would destroy the family and cause so many problems”. so you already know what happened here…. triggered as a 10 year old “omg a fear of mine is capable of destroying the family”. and now i feel like my anxiety is actually WORSE.

I called her back and she reassured me no danielle of course not i don’t think anything happened i am 100% it is your anxiety, if i was concerned i would’ve been asking you questions not laughing. i just meant don’t say anything because men sometimes can’t understand fears and emotions as well and they might take it the wrong way thats all. but here i am…full of worry, once again. just wanting to enjoy my vacation and the holidays.

Thanks Anita, for all your constant amazing advice. I swear sometimes I think you shouldn’t do this for free because you are so committed.

Its true. When you have OCD and anxiety you tend to forget the middle ground between a thought and an action, and that is a choice.

I feel confident that I would never make up a lie and had a pretty good evening last night. Then this morning I was caught on the thought. “Why did I cry that day when I got home from being with my uncle, aunt, and cousins.” “What happened to have me CRYING”. Because I remembered my uncle has been bullying me in a way FOREVER. He would make comments about my outfits, my hair, my dad, how I was the gradnparents favorite and not his daughter, and just constant nagging and annoying comments that made me not like him or in other words want to “avoid” him…. and now as an adult, I associate avoidance with danger. So in my mind throughout much of my life I associate him with danger, which is why I have such strong feelings towards him.

I remember that day, he was making comments I was getting annoyed and upset, and then when we got out of the car, he grabbed me put me over his shoulder, and it made me even more upset and nervous because I kept saying put me down omg you’re so annoying. And then I went inside and started crying to my mom saying how mean he is blahblahblah. But my anxiety says that’s not a good enough reason, because I was used to him being mean. Why did I cry that day? Why was I so upset? I remember my mom immediately asking me omg what did he do to you!!! And the first thing that popped into my head because I hadn’t seen the film yet… was “what do you think. He hit me or something? Are you crazy”. But even with that, my brain says did something else happened?? Was it that day??? What happened that you “can’t remember” and I get anxiety.

what are your thoughts on this? Does it seem odd to you? I’m not sure if I’m overanalyzing it bad it’s making me so anxious, I just want to move on from the thought