Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to let the universe handle it
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October 12, 2016 at 11:18 am #117932kps59Participant
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me last month basically because he’s not sure about forever and I am. I have seen him a few times since and we have spoken and he sounds open to us being back together (he has referenced “if we were to get back together”), but has said he doesn’t want me to count on anything.
Since this has all happened, I took time to grieve. I spent 2 weeks pretty much completely in the dumps – couldn’t stop crying and everything. Then I decided I needed to figure out how to be a normal person again even though I know I want him back. I did research and sort of came upon a more spiritual solution – letting the universe handle it. I have been setting the intention, doing meditation, trying to manifest what I want (which is unconditional love, with him if it works or with someone better if it doesn’t), and practicing gratitude to have a happier outlook. I started hot yoga, which I never thought I’d like and it turns out I love it.
It was going great and actually seemed to be working. I still thought about him constantly but felt less worry and anxiety about it. I tried to be thankful that this happened because either it will bring him back or will open me up for something better. Then, OF COURSE, he reached out to catch up. I viewed this as a good sign – I figured he wouldn’t reach out unless he was feeling even slightly more positive about us because his whole thing when breaking up is he didn’t want to keep hurting me. But I didn’t let myself get crazy – I thought it doesn’t mean he wants to get back together necessarily, but if that’s what is going to happen, this is a step on the path. I am going to let the universe figure it out.
Then today because I am human, I checked his Facebook and he had become friends with a very beautiful woman on a trip he’s taking in Europe. I started to feel crazy and panic and have a total meltdown. It’s caused me to start worrying about all the other things that have been difficult – namely my living situation since I had to move out of his home and back in with my parents. This just two days after he contacted me and I felt so good.
I guess what I’m looking for is some tools to get myself back on track that maybe I’m unfamiliar with as someone new to this area.
Thank you!
October 12, 2016 at 11:36 am #117934AnonymousGuestDear kps59:
I think that what happened when he reached out to you is that your strong emotional attachment to him got re-ignited- with it the feeling of some comfort and safety (what attachment is about). When you saw his Facebook page, the fear of being torn away from the object of your attachment was triggered, and so anxiety took over.
To prevent this double trigger to be a pattern, from happening again (and maybe yet, again)- better get more clarity about what is reasonable for you to expect from him and accept that reality best you can. That means, asking him a few questions and hearing his answers- hearing what he says (not what you want to hear).
Hope you post again. And if you’d like, I will reply again.
anita
October 12, 2016 at 12:06 pm #117941kps59ParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for answering – I am going to try and calm down and figure out what is reasonable for me to expect – probably not a whole lot. Working on accepting that will be a challenge. I will definitely post after we talk next and figure out where we are at.
Thanks!
October 12, 2016 at 1:53 pm #117954LacyParticipantNono, the trick is to not expect anything.
Letting the universe handle it means that you accept anything that comes.
Think realistically – aka instead of wondering about how wonderful it would be if he wanted to get back together or how awful it would be if he ended it for good – if these two options really bug you – what will realistically happen to you anyway if it’s done. What will happen if it’s not.
Either way – you will be alright and you will keep being the wonderful person that you are – and that is all that you should try to think that matters for you, for now.
Of course – we tend to believe that in order to move on we need to feel that the previous relation has ended – so you’d think you need closure. If you really do keep seeking that – ask him directly – don’t be a detective – your brain will just make up all sorts of horror stories and you will not know for real.
If you can come to think like, alright, we had a good run, we still care for each other as human beings – but time to think about ME for now and do what’s best. If you think you want to go meet other guys – go ahead. But do it for the sake of meeting new people, getting your life some new flavor. You don’t really need to replace the old guy.
Something you gotta learn to accept when dealing with the universe – there will never be something like you already had with him – things can never be the same with him – but there’s always the possibility that you will have something better – and you are readu to get there as soon as you are willing to let go of the past!
And who knows, maybe, somewhere in the distant future that something “better” could even be with the same guy.
Allow yourself to be free, be open for all opportunities that the world has to offer – don’t fixate on anything – not the old guy, not any new guy.
It might be something great, it might be something boring – whatever it is, universe, bringit.Be brave o/
October 12, 2016 at 4:43 pm #117966Brav3ParticipantHi kps59,
I read your post and I am going to try and find some sort of solution for you. But since I know only what you told me it is going to be a little difficult. And I am going to be brutally honest with you here, so I apologize in advance for that.
Here’s the thing. It is the most stupidest thing to reconcile after someone has that they do not want to be with you. Why on earth would you wanna get back together with this guy who said those words after 2 and 1/2 years of relationship. I mean there’s no going back from here. Have some self respect for yourself and cut all your contacts with him, from phone no, email, social media to common friends ( if they talk about him). Cutting all these ties will help in alleviate your pain and free you from future entanglements. Please, you must stop yourself from finding out any information about him.
Meditation and yoga are great. But you are missing the whole point here. You wrote ” Letting the universe handle it” and then you have this hope that this douchebag ( sorry for the language) will return. And then stalking him on Fb……..come on mate, you are missing the whole point of meditation.
Here’s the solution. It is time to grieve and be miserable. It is time to cry for the loss. It is time to dive in and trust me with time you will come out of it. Don’t run from pain by keeping yourself busy, it will just stay inside you. It is time to let go.
You talked about spiritual solution. Here’s something you need to learn. LET GO. And that exactly means let universe handle it. Let it be, the pain, the sorrow, the grief. See it and feel it. Its not you, its just feelings that will come and go. Just like when you were in dumps for 2 weeks, if you remember, there were times you were feeling shit and there were times you were feeling ok. It wasn’t constant every second in dumps, it was in dumps and out and then back in again.
And please don’t fall into another relationship just because you can’t handle this, or you feel alone. Its time to work on yourself and reflect on things. Dig in and find the underlying issues, is it low self esteem? Is it fear of being alone? Is it fear of no security or certainty? Is it fear of getting old? Is it that you do not love yourself? Do you value yourself? I don’t think you do.
I feel compassion for you but I have to be honest to open your eyes. Its time to wake up.
Good luck
Brav3October 14, 2016 at 5:41 am #118179kps59ParticipantSo some good news to report: just yesterday he contacted me to ask if I would be willing to talk by phone at some point. We did do that, had a good catch up on what he’s been doing (he’s on vacation) and at the end of the conversation he said he wanted to meet up when he gets home next week, but only if I wanted to or was sure. When I asked why he would ask if I was sure, he said he wasn’t sure if I was totally over it. I said I wasn’t and we planned to talk and then meet up some time when he returns.
I am trying not to get to wrapped up in the idea that he wants me back and I know I will be happy whatever happens, but if we are meant to be together, this is a great first step!
October 14, 2016 at 9:03 am #118203AnonymousGuestDear kps59:
Good to read your update. I have one comment. My motivation in sharing it with you is to increase the chances that you do get back together with him.
In your update you wrote: “if we are meant to be together” and in your original post you wrote: “I did research and sort of came upon a more spiritual solution – letting the universe handle it. I have been setting the intention, doing meditation, trying to manifest what I want”
So I am guessing the spiritual solution is to visualize what you want to happen and let a higher power called The Universe transform your visualized desire into reality?
What would increase your chances of getting back together and having the relationship you need and want is active participation on your part, wise active participation (and not visualizing and then passively waiting for a higher power to make -wishes-come true).
If this is making sense to you, we can communicate further about what “wise active participation” on your part may be.
anita
October 14, 2016 at 1:42 pm #118220PeterParticipantMy experience with the “letting universe handle things” practice had often left me feeling peaceful yet listless… that’s not the right word… I found taping into the energy to change or start something new became more difficult.
I could feel great about myself and life when I was alone doing my own thing, calm, at peace… but interacting with the necessities of life (relationships, shelter, need to eat…) that calm quickly dissipated.
I wondered if like Gautama (or most spiritual masters), the only way to achieve this ‘letting go’ was to leave ones family and avoid life’s interactions.As my nature/destiny/fate/doom was unlikely to avoid the necessity of dealing with the necessity of life I felt I was in a rock and a hard place. Worse as indicated above with each cycle as I found I could accept life as it is I found less and less energy for action.
It seemed to me the practice of “letting universe handle things” was more nuanced then I had been practicing it.
Today my understanding of letting the universe handle things is that it is not about being passive but about learning how to say YES to life as it is, LOVE life as it is, the good the bad and the ugly, while living out and pursuing your truth as you know it in the moment. Easier said than done.
Could I say YES to a person and or experience, while still living and pursuing my truth as I understand it in that moment even if that meant standing up against the situation, experience or person?
The question sounded paradoxical to me and I knew this wasn’t a ‘love the person hate the sin’ kind of thing as I knew that saying yes was saying yes to the ‘sin’ as well. (I define sin as missing the mark in becoming) How could I say yes when I was also saying no.
I came across a story of a Japanese Samurai whose master was murdered. His truth as he understood his duty required that he find the murderer and kill him. In the moment he is about to kill the man the murderer spits at him at which point angered the Samurai sheaths his sword and walks away.
Had the Samurai killed the man form a place of anger and hate would have been saying No to life as it is, No to who he was, No to the murderer as he was… and so walked away. Saying YES to life as it is and living out his truth in that moment that required that he walk away.
Killing the murder and not killing the murder because he was angry where both acts of LOVE.
LOVE it seemed to me means saying YES to LIFE as it IS with Life requiring that I live it.
It’s a work in progress but my gut says this is the right path for me as it helps me tap into the energy I need to live my truth. One can live ones truth without hate, vengeance, judgments, labels, pursuit of some this thing we call justice…..
Wow how far off track did I go.
October 14, 2016 at 1:47 pm #118221PeterParticipantI have had bad experiences with the on again off again relationships
On-again/off-again relationships generally have a pretty bad reputation. And actually, science tends to back up what everyone’s cranky best friend is muttering to them.
Psychologists refer to this pretty common dating practice as “cycling”, and have found that a relationship that cycles during the dating phase is more likely to cycle once you live together or are married.
How to Stop the Cycle of Break Up & Reconciliation
STEP 1
Identify problems within the relationship. Whether it’s due to differences in opinion, values, beliefs or priorities, having open dialogue is important to conflict resolution. If establishing open communication is difficult with your partner, then utilizing a mediator who is trustworthy and neutral during conversations may be wise. In any case, pointing out what is causing the breakup and reconciliation cycle is key to avoiding it in the future.STEP 2
Listen to your conscience. Honesty will have to be well practiced during the process of ending this vicious relationship cycle. Own up to your mistakes, longings, and emotions even if your partner chooses otherwise. Often times this will help give you guidance on whether it is worth trying to fix at all if your partner decides they will not be honest or open. Avoid cutting off that little voice in your head that is trying to convey what you really desire.November 21, 2016 at 10:40 am #120820kps59ParticipantJust as an update: When I got together with my ex, it turns out he had had a change of heart. He realized that he had been putting a lot of pressure on our relationship from his side about what it needed to look like and that was wrong. He said he missed me a lot – that the prospect of seeing me made him feel excited like Christmas morning (his favorite day of the year). In the past we had often talked about the hypotheticals of getting married and having children and while I thought we were talking about us, apparently he was not. But now he says he wants to talk about those things and he wants to talk about US doing them. This is all great – really great because he feels like home to me.
But since we sort of decided to get back together I still am finding myself worried about things and I’m trying to figure out how to use the things I practiced while we were apart now that we are back together. I feel anxious that he’s still not 100% sure, largely because he says he thinks we need to live together again before getting engaged. I’m anxious about actually getting engaged – I want to start the next phase of our lives together and feel him commit 100%.
I can tell he’s working on getting to the same place as I am – he is pretty much trying to overturn 28 years of expectations for what to expect in a relationship – and I’m trying to give him the time and space he needs, but I just wish that he KNEW, 100%, and was overcome with passion, but that’s just not who he is (more of a strategizer). I know he either has or is looking at rings – he knows much more about the cuts that I do and has clearly done some research. I know that him wanting me to move back in is actually a good thing – I don’t think he would want me to move in if he felt it wouldn’t work out. I guess I’m just looking for methods of utilizing “the universe” or other methods that can help me enjoy each day, know that we are growing in love, and just remind myself that things come at the right time.
November 21, 2016 at 12:02 pm #120825AnonymousGuestDear kps59:
Moving back with him, here is the problem with you being sure 100% (about getting married and living together for the rest of your life) and him not being sure. It is like you have to pass a test, be at best performance so that he will make the decision to marry you. How do you live day after day with that pressure?
Here is my suggested solution: accept that it will be a test, but shift what the test is about:
Make the grade you receive not be about how pleased he is with you at any particular day, whether he made another visit to the ring store, whether he feels closer or father away from that 100%-
Make the grade you receive be about how true to yourself you are every day. You give you the grade.
Every day that you live with him, pay attention to be authentic, to be yourself; make YOU the focus of your behavior. Do not make him the focus of your behavior.
This way you will practice being you; you will find yourself more and more every day. You will not focus on his daily % of being sure. It will not be about him. (“To thine own self be true”…)
Is this making sense to you?
anita
November 21, 2016 at 7:55 pm #120874VJParticipantDear kps59,
“I guess I’m just looking for methods of utilizing “the universe” or other methods that can help me enjoy each day, know that we are growing in love, and just remind myself that things come at the right time.”
This may be the article you may be wanting to read-
LET THE UNIVERSE USE YOU
Regards,
VJ. -
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