About 10 Years ago, I moved away from Family and friends to be with my “love” who was pregnant at the time and not from the same country I was from. I moved to be a lover, a father and a good person. a year and a half after my son’s birth we separated and I was completely shattered beeing several thousands of miles away from my family/ friends, alone in a city I knew no one in and trying to raise a child 1/2 time by myself. About a year after separation I eventually went on a dating website and found a couple flings, up until I met this girl that offered her help in all areas of my life. She would behave like a mother to my son, like a lover and wife to me and my life couldnt be any better. We moved in together a couple month after knowing each other and I hid the relationship to my family, ex girlfriend etc. Deep inside me, I was still emotionally attached to the mother of my first child and I knew that my new girlfriend just helped me take my mind off my ex.
A few problems emerged early on but nothing major. About a year after we met, we bought a house together. Some shit started. She would go into my emails account and find I was communicating with one other woman. Then she got revenge with seeing someone else that I found out looking at her cell phone. She wouldnt admit to it and that night infused with Alcohol, I punched a whole in the wall and broke a Plasma TV… Shitty… I know. During the makeup sex I believe we procreated our daughter which I was really scared having considering the events that led to procreation. Pregnancy was a horror story with emotional issues on both hands trying to get ready for something we both knew would fail ( I did anyways). This time is when the abuse started becoming more frequent with my keys & wallet beeing taken away from me so I couldnt leave the house, my son beeing used in fights to hurt me etc…At that time she treatened to leave a few times but ended up staying.
The baby finally arrived, there was peace for a few weeks as I did everything I could to help her out in becoming a mother. Right away, the new baby became her baby and her baby only and I did not have a role as a father to play although I did my best to help. During that time, my 4 year old son was sent into a bedroom in the basement to make room for the new baby…I did not agree with that and asked that the two kids share a room but we were not able to come up with an agreement and my 4 year old ended up in the basement in a room that I painted for him (beeing criticized because my skills as a painter were shitty.) I set up a bed in the basement rec room close to my son’s bedroom so I could be close to him and started sleeping there more and more often as my daughter and my “wife” were sleeping upstairs in our bedroom.
later that year, I had surgery and was on pain killers, my wife was sick and I was trying to put my daughter to bed in the basement with me to allow mommy to relax, but my daughter was crying. She came down and started yelling at me for beeing a bad father, took my daughter away and started throwing stuff at me. I pushed her out of the bedroom, closed the door and she forced he way back in threatening to kill me.
I called the cops and they asked that she leaves the house with my daughter. Few days later, she appologized and I took her back. I knew deep down this was not right…a few weeks later, a girl I just met playing music texted me I was cute and my partner saw that, then she trew me out of the house with my son taking my house keys and telling me not to come back. I came back the next day and the house was empty – the fridge was even taken out of the house… i did not see my daughter for 4 weeks straight until she decided she would come back to the house a couple of month later. During which I brough my son back up into the upstairs bedroom. it was then a push pull relationship with online dating escapades from both of us (i would call it emotional cheating as I did not meet anyone during that time frame but I don’t know about her and rather not know).
Eventually she came back to the house but the dynamics were changed. my son would be my responsibility and she wouldnt want anything to do with him, then eventually there was a burst a violence. I was sleeping with my son, when she came and told me to get out of the bed which I did not want to do. She started yelling in the bedroom where my son was and I ended getting up pushing her out of the bedroom and sat her down on the couch using force. An argument started and I ended up with a broken orbital (huge black eye). i called the cops then we both were taken to the police station. Luckily enough, my son’s mother came to the house and watched the kids to avoid having them sent to a shelter.
a restraining order was placed between both of us and a judged ordered that my daughter stay with me friday saturday sunday and the rest with her mom.
Slowly but surely we ended up seeing each other again – Stupid I know. There never was violence again, but lots of verbal abuse I endured (I am a bad father, a looser, a worthless piece of shit, a child abuser….) I bought a bigger house hoping that we could straighten things out in a new environment but it didnt solve anything. The verbal abuse, belittling continued from both ends. She would say lots of little things like “get the fuck out of my house, Stupid, looser, piece of shit etc…..” and once or twice a year I would blow and explode into a verbal rage saying everyhting I had on my chest… which I feel guilt and shame for my abusive behavior….She left the new house for a month and went into the old one ( that was turned into a rental), after which I told her I would give her what she always wanted: an expensive engagement ring and a vasectomy to return to a relationship with me, which I did….A year later, she left again, and cut off all contact with me for 3 month then we started seeing each other again when she asked me to move away and leave my son behind. This lasted two month until I found her on a dating website, when I flipped out and yelled at her…then she found someone else and has been cruel to me ever since.( texting me a week after she told me it was over she was falling for someone else, that the sex is awsome, that I wont see my daughter again, that it was all my fault etc….) – my emotions fluctuates betwen beeing happy this is finally done and over with and the guilt towards pain i inflicted during the last 7 years along with the anger and sadness of the pain I was subjected to. Most importantly, I feel guilty about my kids situation. My oldest had this “step mom” for 7 years, and she hasnt talked to the poor guy in over 6 month… He feels abandoned and guilty – my 5 year old is doing better and is a happy go lucky type girl although I know she is confused.

During the 7 years, I have been told I have mental problem – ranging from ADD to Bipolar to schyzophrenic to narcisistic. I have seen a few counselors that did not diagnose me with anything but when you’re told you’re a piece a shit often, you start to believe it…and somedays I do….

I know that this story is completely messed up and I am trying to understand the why. Any thoughts?

Thanks.

• This topic was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Lori Deschene.