Trying to Understand My Unhappiness

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This topic has 14 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 5, 2019 at 3:47 pm #272481
Molly
Participant
Dear community,

For the last couple months, I haven’t been feeling good inside and I don’t know why. I have a very good life. I have a job that is incredibly meaningful to me that allows me to serve in a way that I’m passionate about. I make great money and can afford to only work 18 hours a week. I use my extra in time in ways that is enjoyable to me – taking art classes, roadtrips, snowboarding, camping. I have a decent amount of savings. I have everything I want materialistically. I also have very close and amazing friends.

But on most days, I wake up sad. I don’t know why. I don’t aim to be happy all the time. Happiness is not necessarily my goal. I just don’t want to feel so sad. I want to feel present. That only thing I can pinpoint is that I have been single for 7 months. I’m very good at being independent and have never been the co-dependent type. If anything, I lean towards being too independent. But I have noticed that I feel envious and resentful towards my two best friends that recently started romantic relationships. I think overall, that stems from my overall unhappiness and perhaps thinking that if I were in a relationship I wouldn’t feel so sad.

I forgive myself every morning for holding sadness, anger, and resentment. I forgive myself for feel so sad with all the miracles and blessings in my life. I suppose I am writing this post for some new perspective, attempting to find meaning in my unhappiness. What is my soul being called to do? I just don’t know.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Molly.
January 5, 2019 at 4:29 pm #272485

ben
Participant

Hello,

Can I ask how old you are? Are you feeling against a relationship at the moment?

I have seen over the years what I see as over analysis spurred on by a buoyant spiritual industry, searching for understanding in every corner and in a culture (western culture) that has become tilted towards narcissism and overly self-competent driven. We really are tribal creatures and I’ve seen people go in search of spiritual answers when I really don’t think there is a mystical style answer.

To me, it sounds like you may be neglecting yourself? I am offering my view from my preference towards the biological/physiological perspective. But it is my opinion that culturally people are neglecting their bodies, their bodies are calling to be used and we neglect it because of risk socially and the intensity of it and economic factors. We are designed to grow exponentially and unequivocally so in every dimension and on every level with no let up…

Your body is calling to you, what’s important to you, you’re jealous of what others have and that’s okay. Maybe there is some distrust of life? That you’re not following life’s calling? Is this jealousy not life telling you where to go and what to do? Are you afraid of this level of vulnerability that’s required even on a sub-conscious level?

I hope I haven’t been too hard here, I do think life sometimes is so glaringly obvious and we’ve created incredibly intelligent ways to complicate and confuse life when it screams in our faces what to do and our bodies are calling out to us what we want.

Best wishes

B

January 6, 2019 at 2:20 am #272515

ben
Participant

Can I also add ask that why are you trying to understand your unhappiness? Does it need to be understood….? Or would it be better if you were just happy instead?

I find the ego wants to understand to be in control so to feel safe which is why you’re trying to understand it, although it is not necessary?

Best wishes,

B

January 6, 2019 at 6:14 am #272535

Mark
Participant

Molly,

It sounds that you are in a slump of being unhappy and sad. You want to shift out of that feeling.

I just heard a podcast that interviewed Bernie Roth who wrote The Achievement Habit. The Science of Success is the particular podcast I listened to. He talks about needing to solve the right problem. He talks about reframing the problem. Ask yourself what it would do for you if you solved the problem?

You stated that your problem is not having a boyfriend is the cause of your sadness. Using this technique, say that if you solved the problem of having a boyfriend then what would it do for you? You may still be sad. The problem is not not having a boyfriend. The problem is sadness. There are many different approaches in addressing sadness. Make sense?

I suggest doing regular exercise. Something everyday or every other day. It does not have to be a big thing. It could be a 15 minute walk, in Nature if possible.

Writing a daily gratitude journal will help as well. You have done a good job here to acknowledge the good things in your life. Looking at the good things daily and writing them down will help.

Meditation is also a useful practice in being with yourself and accepting what is. If you are sad and sitting with that sadness and not try to judge it or push it away, it becomes better.

Mark

January 6, 2019 at 9:36 am #272573

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Molly:

“But on most days, I wake up sad. I don’t know why”-

It may be the same sadness of long ago, in early childhood, that gets activated. We keep reliving our childhood emotional experience, really. This and that may distract us for hours, or days or weeks at a time, but the same-old-same-old emotional experience keeps coming back.

Do you think this is what it is?

anita

January 6, 2019 at 3:24 pm #272637

Molly
Participant

Ben,

I’m 28 years old. I’m not against a relationship, at least not on my conscious level.

I’m not too sure what point you are intending to communicate in the second paragraph. I would love to understand. Please explain.

Why do I want to understand my pain?

I want to understand it because it feels physically painful. When I feel like this, it is incredibly hard to get out of bed and engage in what is meaningful to me. For example, I teach a class and I want to use the day for lesson planing. However, when I’m so engulfed by sadness and anxiety, its very difficult for me take action. I do take action, but it’s hard. I also like to feel inspired when planning for my class and what I want to contribute to my students.

I’m not a very good friend when I don’t feel good inside. This feels different to how I’ve experienced sadness in the past. This feels much more physical.

January 6, 2019 at 3:30 pm #272639

Molly
Participant

Hi Mark,

I agree with you, the sadness is the problem. I also know that being in a relationship is not going to change that. I will listen to that podcast! I do keep a daily forgiveness and gratitude journal. As I mention, I at least verbalize some compassion towards myself daily.

Right now, my approach is to try to engage in things I would be doing if I was feeling good as much as possible – make my bed, exercise, reading, creating jewelry. But as a I mention, sometimes it feels to painful and physically overwhelming to get up and enjoy the blessings.

January 6, 2019 at 3:36 pm #272641

Molly
Participant

Anita,

I am intrigued to think about this new perspective. Maybe a past trauma is wanting to surface. I have a really hard time remembering my childhood. I have a very poor memory of it. I often idealize it. Do you suggest any particular methods?

January 6, 2019 at 3:47 pm #272643

Mark
Participant

Molly,

I am sorry about your pain.

I know that volunteering can help people who are depressed, i.e. focusing outward helping others.

Exercise helps you biochemically as well.

You said this sadness came about a couple of months ago? Did anything happen in your life when that started, besides your friends starting a relationship?

If this lasts then I suggest you get medically checked.

Take care,

Mark

January 7, 2019 at 5:16 am #272739

ben
Participant

hi Molly i’ve said a bit about here below, I know it’s not about me but it came to me and I wonder if applicable to you..?

I also have poor childhood memory and idealization of it and of life. I often experience intense emotional experience when in vulnerable positions, for me it is linked I believe in the most part towards my father and his stern ideology for me and my life and if I step outside it I am not worthy of his love, or even will not receive it, and there is pain there because I am not loved on other levels/dimensions/parts of my personality.

I wonder if there is a similarity for you, even there as you say is pain, which is physical. This is the deepest parts of you and they are resurfacing for awakening.

Sorry which second paragraph?

B

January 7, 2019 at 5:53 am #272751

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Molly:

First, a summary of what you shared here so far: you are 28, have a job that is incredibly meaningful to you, you make great money, decent savings, and “everything I want materialistically”. You work only 18 hours per week, using the rest of the time to do what you enjoy, art classes, road trips, snowboarding and camping. And you have “very close and amazing friends”.

And yet, “on most days, I wake up sad… I just don’t want to feel so sad”. The only reason you figure responsible for your sadness is that you’ve been single for seven months. You felt sad before, but this current sadness feels much more physical”, it “feels physically painful”,”physically overwhelming”. It makes it “incredibly hard to get out of bed and engage in what is meaningful to me… so engulfed in sadness and anxiety, it’s very difficult for me to take action”

You wrote: “I have a really hard time remembering my childhood. I have a very poor memory of it”. You asked me regarding methods, to recover lost memories, you mean, and uncover childhood trauma?

If so, I do have a way to make progress in this regard: look at your own words, your childhood is alive in your current words: “I’m very good at being independent and have never been the co-dependent type. If anything, I lean towards being too independent. But I have noticed that I feel envious and resentful towards my two best friends that recently started romantic relationships”-

These sentences lead me to think of the following: as a child, you felt very much alone, couldn’t depend on a parent or parents (caretakers), you were hurt and angry at them, so you decided to be Independent, as in: I don’t need anyone!

This Independent had served you well, but because you are human, a social animal, you need people, you need to depend on someone, somewhat. So you struggle: depending feels dangerous because as a child it meant falling into an abyss perhaps, having no one to hold on to. And yet you still need to hold on to someone.

The sadness, physically painful and overwhelming, is probably that same sadness of the child that you were and still are (the emotional experiences of your childhood are alive and well in your brain where they vibrate pain).

Because you are financially well, what better use of your money than quality psychotherapy, so to address, acknowledge, express and release those repressed emotions, so that they hurt less and less?

anita

February 5, 2019 at 5:59 pm #278869

Molly
Participant

Hi Anita, Ben, and Mark,

I wanted to update you all as your reflections were very helpful to me.

I am sure why I began not feeling good. I just started asking myself more and more what was the message for me. I realized I want to move to a rural area. I currently live in a urban city. I noticed I feel the most peaceful when the first thing I do is wake up and take my dogs for a hike. Ever since I made that realization I felt content again. And its been consistent. I am not sure if the realization was a coincidence in timing. I am not holding off on being content until I move. I feel good now.

As a side note, I’ve been reading about attachment theory in adults and realized I have an avoidant attachment style. Now that it is more on an awareness level more me, I am learning to not see dependency as a weakness.

I just wanted to expressed my gratitude.

February 5, 2019 at 6:06 pm #278871

Molly
Participant

Anita,

Your last message resonates with me now more than ever. I’ve been reading that we were biologically evolved to depend on each other. I am learning to embrace the vulnerability involved in depending on someone. Because as you mentioned, right now that feels scary for me. I’ve come to realized the sophisticated ways I create distance in a romantic relationship that I wasn’t really aware of. Just thank you!

February 5, 2019 at 7:08 pm #278873

Shruti
Participant

Molly

Sometimes even if we have everything, we feel as if something’s missing. Quite possibly even if you get into a fulfilling relationship you would feel the same after sometime. Just remember that you are very very fortunate to have a good happy life.?

This may help you and other readers out here..

https://youtu.be/v4sp38MOo2M

Best wishes to you.

February 6, 2019 at 7:58 am #278949

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Molly:

You are welcome. I suppose your life, in a rural area, will have to have a balance between being okay alone and being okay in a relationship, not desperate for company when alone and not significantly anxious when in a relationship, as calm as possible in either context. It will take a man who will be a good fit for you, to make this possible for you.

anita
Author

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