Dear aphroitte:

Previously (2021): “Yesterday we had a big fight… In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me… I’ve never attended holidays with him or properly celebrated without a fight… To sum up, we had fights about every date we were planning…he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually”,

Today, July 22, 2022: “With the friend with whom I can’t be together, we were still hooking up… he says is better to be just friends because I am fighting a lot, and later he says is because of my ex, we would never be together. In the meantime we would hang out… Today, as soon as I arrived they started making jokes about me, mocking me.. HE DOESN’T RESPECT Me… I don’t know if I am the ass**** that I am always complaining… What to do now? With my friend-lover, I am afraid of how to solve this relationship… I want to solve this in the most rational way and be cold, distant, and okay with him, but with setting boundaries and being respectful towards myself”-

– my thoughts today: you know how,  let’s say a piece of clothing is so dirty that it makes more sense to throw it away than to try to clean it? I think that it is the case here. It makes more sense that you throw away these two relationships than  try to fix any of them. The two men are not honorable, they indeed disrespect you and your behavior is not respect-worthy. The solution: (1) End any and all contact with both men, (2) Start anew, showing self-respect in all your behaviors, in all your interactions with people, every single day.

anita

Dear aphroitte:

Did you read/ pay any attention to my post of 15 minutes ago?

anita

Dear aphroitte:

On January 7, 2018, you shared: “I am in love with my boyfriend since I met him 3 years ago. When we met him, everything was beyond perfect… in this 3 years he was always hot and cold..  I never felt appreciated, and loved and cared. I was always begging for attention, wanting him to prove me that he loves me.. (he is 21, I’m 19)”-

– this means that you started this 3 years relationship (at the time) when you were 16, and that before this relationship, there was at least one other relationship.

3 years and 10 months later, on November 1, 2021, you shared that the on-again-off-again relationship with the 3-year boyfriend lasted 2 more years, to a total of 5 years, and ended in 2020 (later to be resumed). When it ended you entered another relationship, a secret one, with one of your ex-boyfriend’s friends.

In Nov 9-10, 2021, you shared: “My ex came back… I have very serious codependency/emotional attachment issues. I believe so, because when my other ex (boyfriend) texted me, I didn’t feel bad or hurt by the conversation with ‘my friend’. I was able to be rude and not to care, because I now have attention of someone else…  I have this psychosomatic problem with my stomach and I have stomach acid… I am scared and I don’t like to be like this. Attached to people. I want to be okay to accept and let people go and not to feel this level of anxiety. I really want to be independent… I certainly have either abandonment anxiety or something similar to that” –

– it looks like you’ve afraid of being alone and that is why (seems like) you are always in a relationship, no matter how bad the relationship. You want to be emotionally independent, that is, to be okay alone, but you are too attached.. too scared to be on your own.

Exploring your mind. com: “When you hear the term ‘separation anxiety,’ you probably think about children. However, separation anxiety disorder can also affect adults. Separation anxiety is when an individual is afraid of separating from a person… Possible symptoms range from nausea and headaches to even a sore throat… The number one characteristic of separation anxiety disorder in adults is excessive worrying about being alone”.

calm clinic. com: “Separation anxiety, when extreme, is usually pretty easy to identify. Adults who have serious separation anxiety tend to have an unhealthy attachment to a person with whom they are close to, and experience intense anxiety and panic when having to separate from that person…  Some less apparent signs of ASA (Adult Separation Anxiety) are: * Extreme Jealousy – ..A fear of abandonment is often what drives those with ASA to experience jealousy…. * Over Strict Parenting -… Sometimes referred to as reverse-separation anxiety, the parents may be so concerned that their child will leave them someday that they try to control the child’s life as much as possible. * Stuck in Relationships -… many with ASA work to maintain the relationship even when extremely unhealthy (emotionally, physically), out of fear of being alone……. Many people with ASA display obsessive thoughts very similar to OCD, and some experience anxiety attacks when left alone”.

On Nov 10, 2021, you shared in regard to your childhood: “I had a lot of fighting with  my dad… He would be so mad that I was having a boyfriend … He always expected of me to be perfect, well behaved and have perfect grades…. I would be punished often and I was not able to go on picnics and friends hangouts when I was 12-13 because I was still young. And while everyone was hanging out I was staying at home….. I’ve never had close relationship with my parents” -reads like your father was indeed “overly strict”  and maybe he expressed that “reverse-separation anxiety” (terms mentioned in the website I quoted from): being anxious about you leaving him by having a boyfriend, and punishing you by keeping you inside the home, with him…?

Continued, from the same post, regarding your father/ parents: “their over protective attitude almost.. meaning overprotective even dangerous for the kid… Because of that overprotectiveness I think I had that self-esteem issues…  I developed OCD and that actually reflected in my relationships. And because of every fight my parents have and the threats that my dad will leave that leaves me to believe that is the biggest problem of having abandonment issues“- I wonder if by over-protecting you, your father was trying to keep you from leaving him (I am referring again to that “reverse separation anxiety” mentioned above).

There is more from what you shared that fits the quotes above, in regard to separation anxiety in adults. I will skip forward to the first sentence in your post before last, the one from July 22, 2022: “With the friend with who I can’t be together, we were still hooking up sadly, it felt like an addiction“- maybe it is an addiction fueled by separation anxiety, causing you to be “stuck in relationships” (from the website above), no matter how bad, no matter how satisfying, all because of the fear of being alone. What do you think???

anita