Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→unable to escape a prison i have built around myself
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Ben.
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February 7, 2015 at 6:29 pm #72490
Ben
ParticipantI am not in a happy place and I don’t know what to do. There is so much going on in my head that I can barely keep up with it all. I just want some rest.
I don’t even know where to begin. Gah. I have never been diagnosed with anything psychological for all my life (I am currently 23 years), but I don’t know, I feel as though something is seriously wrong with me.
I have always been a bit of a weird person I guess. Never quite knew how to interact normally with people I guess, I dunno. When I was younger I was either batcrap crazy around groups of people or pretty antisocial and buried deep into videogames with either myself (preferred) or with a few select close friends. Not much has changed in that regard, only I am less crazy insane in big groups and much more closed off, utterly silent. This is something I cannot stand about myself. I wish I was able to open up and talk naturally with people who I don’t know on a deep and intimate level, but I barely say a word, or refer to my staple vocabulary of ‘Sounds good,’ ‘We’ll have to see’, ‘You never know’, ‘That’s great,’ ‘Cool,’ and other such almost expressionless terms. It’s weird, I get the feeling from people I know rather well that I’m a really chilled out guy, and that is true to an extent, I go at my own pace and I dawdle. I don’t like being rushed, I prefer to stick to my own routines. But inside I find myself so concerned about almost everything. In many social interactions, I find myself dwelling more on the social interaction itself than actually enjoying and allowing the interaction to flow naturally. And I often find myself on such a tangent mentally when another person is talking to me that I completely lose the thread of what it was they were talking about and end up saying very little afterwards, which I HATE HATE HATE about myself. Why can’t I just remain calm and aware? And this has been going on for years now, primarily, I’d say, over the last five years especially I guess.
I can become very obsessive over things, and I have certain routines that I need to follow. I always brush my teeth after I have a shower, no matter what time of day or whatever. My routine for washing hands is all very convoluted (first wash with bar soap, then allow the bar to fall into the sink so the running water can rinse off the suds made by my hands so my old skin cells and whatever aren’t on it, and then pick it up and have a second wash with the bar; every time). I have a number of these little obsessions, and they’re not always particularly comfortable. I just wish I could relax about certain things.
I am deeply, deeply passionate about music. It is one of my three most powerful loves. I am both a collector of music and a composer of music, and have been doing alright with working in the industry. The process of composing music is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had, and I hope/plan to continue to do so for a long time. Right now I’m having a bit of trouble with it all but I suppose it’s just another symptom of whatever the hell.
I take my spirituality very, very seriously, second only to music and travelling (I just wish I had the money to travel more). I try to open my heart to everything around me, and learn from everything. The world is stunning place, and everything is a teacher. I meditate (almost) every morning, and for the longest time I was having an incredible time with it. My perception of life was so full of light and beauty and nothing was aggravating me, but it feels as though something has been niggling at me since forever that has been very gradually building and building in size, and the last few months I’ve really been feeling it come down on me, especially very recently. I think, above all, I just feel so overwhelmed by everything going on in my mind. And it’s exhausting me. I sleep little, I think, and when I do it’s always past lunchtime when I wake up. I have always been something of a night owl (writing this at 2am is testimony to that), but I so desperately want to get into a decent sleeping routine so I can feel the sun. I’ve been getting up earlier recently and it’s made me feel so tired but I guess I know somewhere inside eventually it’ll pay off if I just go to sleep earlier. I dunno. Whatever.
I just feel so plagued by everything right now. I used to think I had depression when I was a teenager. I did commit self infliction upon myself, but only a few cuts here and there. But I don’t know if it was anything more than just a desire to be like those with actual depression, because it was ‘different to the norm’ I suppose? How ****ing narcissistic is that? Pathetic. But it was a horrible experience and a stupid one at that, and that’ll never happen again.
Over the last two years I started experimenting quite heavily with psychedelic drugs. I have no shame nor regret in any of that, for they taught me a lot about myself that I am grateful beyond words for, but I’ve no doubt the excessive level of consumption perhaps had some kind of negative effect on me somewhere down the line. I don’t know, but I wanted to get that bit out there. The last experience I had like that was over the new year period, but right now I have no desire to have any more, nor do I wish to particularly ‘smoke up’, and I already quite drinking over two years ago. I want to be have a clear head, I want to feel free from altered states of consciousness because I currently fear that it is another excuse to attempt to escape reality for a while. I hate that kind of judgement placed on drugs most of the time, but I don’t quite know how else to word it. I’ve had my time with them all now.
But moving on from that, I also stopped eating meat in January 2014, and started putting some serious, serious thought into what I put in my body. I try to avoid meat, gluten, dairy but that one can prove challenging at times, and sugar, which is sometimes also a little challenging (but a weird one, because I know it’s really bad for me but I do feel that little surge of dopamine whenever I eat some that just gives me a tiny, tiny bit of satisfaction; really not healthy physically or psychologically, huh?).
That isn’t a particularly important fact I guess, I don’t know, maybe it is. But this is ramble with no structure and I apologise to anyone unfortunate enough to attempt to read through it.
One issue that had plagued me for a very, very, very, very, very long time and for the longest time I thought it was the basis of all of my problems, is an undeniable addition to pornography. I am deeply ashamed of it, but happy to be able to be open about it, at least open enough to write it anonymously on a forum, huh? For a long time it was truly awful, I would view all females as some kind of sexual object and I still can barely forgive myself for that atrocity. I am doing okay with all of that now, I have no desire to watch pornography, but I understand that it stemmed from me not really having a girlfriend growing up (apart from one girl who was much older than me in America who came over for two weeks when I was 18/19 or so, but I had never had one before then nor have I had one since really, apart from ‘on the internet’, that cold, sterile dataverse). But sexuality has become such a strange, if not estranged thing to me now. I’m probably completely happy to be celibate forever, at this point in my life anyway. I don’t know. Whatever. Not really thinking about it.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with me, but typing all of this out has helped a little bit. Am I depressed? Am I socially anxious? Maybe I’m autistic? I don’t even know. I do not know. It’s a weird feeling to type things out on to a forum where however many people all over the world can read. I had not a problem at all with it for the longest time, but it’s become a little odd to me now. I have more or less anonymised my Facebook account because I cannot stand that godawful website and what it does to me and keep it only for personal/important contact. But the internet in general doesn’t seem to help, but I know TinyBuddha and TinyBuddha’s reputation as being a warm community and I really am very sorry for this incredibly convoluted, directionless ramble. I just needed to get all of this out as it’s been in my head for so long with no way to escape. I’m not sure if it’s help or not yet. I’ll see.
February 7, 2015 at 6:38 pm #72491Ben
ParticipantI suppose I forgot to mention that I’m also living out in the middle of nowhere right now, and have done all my life (I have yet to leave home, but I hope to do so later on in the year). Most of the time it is just me and my retired dad so I see him a lot and very few other people. I cannot drive as I don’t particularly want to, yet it is a conflicting feeling because I would be able to get around a hell of a lot more if I could. But I enjoy living without one, seeing the kind of stress and mental demand they can bring about. But I feel very isolated, and with a lot of my work being based on the internet I pretty much all my time in my room, and it becomes my safe haven when I’ve been away from home for a long period of time, which I’m not keen on. I don’t quite like the attachment I have to it, but I know it’s understandable. I just need to move out so I can built a brand new space. I learned the benefits of that living at uni for three years.
Anyway, yeah.
February 7, 2015 at 10:05 pm #72493Anonymous
InactiveWell frankly speaking, i have kinda been in some of your states- the social, mildly obbsessive, meditation, substance abuse except drugs nd the anxiety. The truth is, right now i have stopped judging my life so much – it is what it is and i am what i am. Sometimes we need to let go of trying to be and let our stronger selves take over – which means, whatever you are doing – for once, drop it all, the music, the phone and really observe your sorroundings – ask yourself what you really need to stay in balance – you cant open up to open when deep down, you have allowed yourself to loathe yourself and are terrified if they will think something is wrong with you. Not really. They are mostly 98% of the time thinking about their life than you. I do believe in one thing though – the effect of mind-body connection – ask yourself if indeed your body is healthy – are you exercising, bathing regularly and eating better? Are you making the effort to leave the house once a day and enjoying some sunshine. Staying cooped up isnt good for anybody. I live alone, have less friends nearby and i decided instead of using labels like sad loser, just focus on being busy, go outside and make positive life changes like my health. People will come and go but you will have yourself throughout. Its easy to fall into that rut of hating oneself and not doing anything to perpetuate the self loathing. I did it for years and now, i am trying to let it go – its okay if you are not perfect, its okay if you sometimes feel no one likes you but dont believe all your thoughts. When i get real low, i either call a friend or read my old letters- the ones i wrote to myself when i was feeling strong and confident. Sometimes we all have bad days, feel terrible but life goes on. Apologies for the ramble, i guess i wasnt looking to give advice, just share my journey a bit. Hope the others have good inputs to add
February 8, 2015 at 5:29 am #72494Inky
ParticipantHi Longfall,
We aren’t doctors, so we can’t label you or help you in that regard.
I’ll say a few thoughts. They won’t solve everything, but they might solve something.
First is, I commend you on trying a Vegan diet! Sadly, we can’t live that way forever (hence your craving for cheese). Our brains run on protein. I don’t care if it’s an egg or a nip of cheese, if you don’t get some animal protein in you, it will only make your brain worse, and thus, anything that ails you worse. Just my experience and opine!
Another thought is: You owe it to yourself and your father to get a license! Your dad’s at the age where random and not so random health issues or emergencies could theoretically plague him. Who will drive him to doctors appointments if you can’t? God forbid he dies, what would you do?
The social stuff: We are all either introverts or extroverts, and a smattering of personality types. It’s in your nature to be quiet around a large group of people, and that’s OK. The rest is a choice and habits. It’s good you have strategies and phrases to get you through. I know it’s uncomfortable. I KNOW. (Oh, boy, do I know!) So don’t beat yourself up.
Do try to get in a regular sleep pattern and interact with other people once a day so you don’t get “weird” (as one friend pointed out to me in my hermit phase!)
Blessings,
Inky
http://www.suburbanmystic.typepad.com-
This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by
Inky.
February 8, 2015 at 7:22 am #72498Inky
ParticipantEdit: If you’re giving up meat, AND grains, AND dairy, you won’t last long. Give up two, but not three. Protein, protein, protein.
February 9, 2015 at 8:59 am #72537Ashley Arcel
ParticipantHi Longfall,
Thanks for your post! I admire your ability to be open and honest about what is troubling you. It seems to me that a good portion of what you are going through is simply developing into an adult and sort of shifting out of the last phase of your life. It’s an uncomfortable time and it’s made more uncomfortable, in your situation, due to your relative isolation. Does it appeal to you at all to join a group of some type (you mentioned video games so maybe you would enjoy the gaming community?) in order to sort of get out of your own head and meet new people? During difficult times in my life, I’ve found this to be one of the most difficult but one of the most rewarding things. Every issue is magnified when we are entirely alone with it and, although you certainly don’t need to tell this new group about what you’ve been experiencing if that makes you uncomfortable, I do believe it would be helpful and uplifting for you to shake up your routine a bit.
I also agree with what Inky said about your diet – don’t deprive yourself of TOO much. A healthy diet doesn’t always mean cutting out gluten, dairy and sugars but rather, eating them in moderation and in whole, unrefined forms. Get a license and enjoy the independence that provides and touch base again to let us know how you are doing. All my best,
Ashley
February 14, 2015 at 2:26 am #72741Ben
ParticipantFrom the bottom of my heart, I thank you all sincerely for replying to me. All three of you have touched me deeply and I cannot express my gratitude enough as to how much you have helped me already.
I am feeling a lot better at the moment. I’m still very aware of these ailments, but it is nowhere near as intense. I can at least keep it together now.
I have applied for a provisional driving license for the first step, with hopes of eventually getting lessons. Thank you for that encouragement, Inky and Ashley.
Moongal when I read your comment for the first time, I was deeply encouraged to go on a long walk that instant, and I felt incredible for it. You are absolutely right that you need to be kind to yourself and ensure you get enough outside time. I knew this, I always have done, I just forgot for the longest time, and I think not wanting to go out only makes things work, makes me more nervous, more shy, more agoraphobic.
I think you are right, Inky and Ashley, concerning diet also. I’m not being quite as indecisive about my consumption of dairy. Though I don’t really have dairy milk, I certainly have cheese, and I will continue to do so. Anyway, I shan’t ramble on about that anymore.
But sincerely, deeply, honestly, I thank all three of you for responding to my cries with such delicacy and kindness. Today, I feel I am gradually on a road back to ‘recovering’.
Take care
Ben -
This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by
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