Sometimes divorce can actually make someone afraid to commit, so be sure not to rule out the possibility that he’s afraid to commit just because he committed to someone before. Divorce can create that fear, depending on the situation. I can see being blindsided by someone suddenly falling out of love with you while you still deeply love them creating that fear, for sure.

To be clear… the following is all just speculation on my part from what I’ve learned over the years:

To me, his actions do make it seem like he’s afraid. When he’s away from you, it’s safe for him to try to push you away because he can’t see you when he does it and this allows his mind to detach a bit, but when you’re with him in person, he can physically feel his feelings for you and he can’t push you away in that case.

Also, sex is not an intimate thing in general to most guys. I say most because it is to some, for sure, but I have way too many guy friends, hearing what they talk about, to think guys in general really care about an emotional attachment to who they sleep with. haha. And he probably wanted to go on dates with you because he liked being around you and felt the connection you had but didn’t want to go deeper into a relationship because he’s afraid of going deeper (and that has nothing to do with you personally and it’s not something you or anyone else can change. He has to fix the fear on his own and also feel ready). And it’s probably that fear that’s making him push you away now. It definitely is possible that he started to have real feelings for you and that those feelings made him freak out, decide he wasn’t ready for the way he is feeling, and now he’s backing off again.

So, overall, I don’t think you’ve misread things entirely. It sounds like you do have a connection with him, but you might have overestimated his ability to commit right now (and he might have at the beginning, too).  I’m a little over a year outside of a breakup that blindsided me in a similar way and that wasn’t even a marriage, so I can understand where your guy might be coming from a little bit. The pain that breakup caused me was devastating and now that I’m feeling pretty good again, I do want to be in a relationship but the idea of feeling that level of pain again freaks me out whenever I even think about actually dating. I’m telling you this because maybe MY feelings will help you understand HIS feelings a little bit more and how this really can happen.

I don’t meet many people that I’m interested in either so I get where you’re coming from, too. It sucks when you FINALLY meet someone you like and they turn out to not be what you hoped they were (i.e., you find out they’re likely afraid of a real commitment).

The good news is… this likely has absolutely nothing to do with you or your connection with him. There are just issues that he still needs to work through before he’s going to be ready. Hopefully he contacts you when he is or hopefully you find someone you like even better in the meantime.

As someone who’s never even had a serious relationship, I just thought it was a matter of interest: if there’s a connection/interest, you pursue it. If not, then you drop it.  That’s why it was so confusing because I know there was an interest. I also thought a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready.

Yeah, once you’ve had a heartbreak or two, especially a devastating one, it tends to complicate things so that it’s not quite as easy as whether you feel interested or not. I’ve passed on some really great guys in the past because I just wasn’t ready to let myself take that risk yet. Sometimes you feel like you’re ready and you really want to be with someone, and then once you start to develop stronger feelings, it’s like whoooaaa, nope, not ready. haha. So when he said it wasn’t you, definitely believe him. I really think it’s just him still trying to deal with what happened, and there’s never a time limit for that. And it’s also good that this happened NOW rather than you two getting into a committed relationship for years and then him freaking out when it’s time to make a bigger commitment (like moving in or marriage) and him leaving THEN, even though you still love each other. That can definitely happen, too (there are some people that are comfortable with a relationship level of commitment but moving toward any deeper commitment than that causes them to run).

I hope this trip that he is on allows him some alone time to do some thinking. Sometimes that’s all people need to calm down and get things back into perspective. Otherwise, I think you have a good plan, and it sounds like you’ve got a really good head on your shoulders. When you’re single, taking the time to focus on you and your own happiness for a while is always a great thing to do!

Dear Aila:

I see the problem in this relationship and in your approach to relationship as the following: you are afraid to ask the man questions (“I’ve never felt comfortable asking any guy those questions, as I’ve always been concerned it would come off as nagging or rushing, etc”).

What happened is that you assumed things instead of asking. You assumed that “he’s not afraid to commit to someone” because he was previously married. But the fact that he was previously married does not in itself indicates he was not afraid to commit then or is not afraid now. Maybe he got cold feet after getting married, as in: what have I done???

You also assumed that “a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready”, not necessarily so, lots of people date when they are not ready to have a relationship.

When he became less responsive in the 6th week, you “waited a few days and then politely checked-in with him”- too polite, I say. When I recommend that you ask a man questions, I do not mean to ask in an interrogative way, like in a police interrogation with bright light directed in his face and so forth. There are ways to ask in a casual tone of voice, gently but also make the questions clear and direct, for the purpose of gathering information you have to have so to not be confused.

You wrote: “if I do/say all the right things in the right way, it’ll foster an environment to make him appreciate me more and thus allow us to grow to see if we’re compatible”-

To say the right things in the right way to one particular person,  you have to know who that person is, what motivates him, what scares him, what his life is like. To know these things you have  to ask questions and listen to his answers or lack of. You have to observe him over time in different contexts. To not assume, or if you do assume, to check your assumptions by asking and observing, then filing his answers and observations and continue to learn who  he is, over time, comparing new information with the old, listening to what he says and observing what he does.

Also, people are often conflicted, having contradictory motivations, this is why their behavior is confusing, confusing until we learn what the conflicting motivations are. The most conflicting motivations in the context of relationships is the need and desire to have a relationship on one hand, and the fear  of it on the other.

In the desire to have a relationship, men and women are often not most honest, behaving in certain ways so to attract the other person, to keep the person interested, appearing in a way that is not most authentic.

anita

Dear Alia:

You are welcome and I appreciate you coming back to your thread to thank me.

I have another point to make regarding what can be learned from this short relationship:

You wrote: “we had instant chemistry/ a spark, we were both attracted to each other, had similar tastes/ interests, and shared some personal details about out lives… In the 6th week, he became less responsive and stopped initiating texts”. A few days later he messaged you that “he just wanted something casual”, and “isn’t ready to date”.

What this teaches me is that the following are not dependable indicators that a relationship will last two months: instant chemistry/spark (there is was, gone in the 6th week), similar tastes and interests and sharing personal details about each other’s life.

Better resist the chemistry and spark and get to know a man while not being sexually involved with him, for at least 6 weeks. After six weeks or so, evaluate: are we still motivated to see each other, are we still sharing about our lives, listening to each other with interest, wanting to know more? Are we enjoying our shared tastes and interests, by let’s say hiking together, if hiking is a shared interest. Then take it from there.

You don’t want a guy to tell you he wants “something casual” and is not ready to date after having sex with him. Better find that out before.

Post again anytime. I will be glad to read from you and reply again.

anita

Hello Anita,

I am really grateful for your reply as you really confirmed my already strong convictions. Unfortunately, I do not have much success in finding a man who respects that.

I believe in friendships before any physical contact. The problem is that men that I’ve met do not want to be friends first and try to kiss me pretty soon. I always refuse the kiss in the first weeks of meeting and it always ends there.

Recently,  I’ve met a new man and he invited me for a coffee. He is a cop. He picked me up from my place and I asked where exactly I would like to go out. I said I prefer if he chooses a place. In that moment he proposed his appartment. I refused and proposed a coffe place on town. Then he said that he can’t show me in public as he is not yet divorced. My heart sunk.

He can only invite me to his place for coffee as his reputation is important for him and people might see us in public. Apparently only 1 week left till divorce.

I did not know how to react. I was really disappointed. I proposed a short walk outside of his building but he insisted to visit him.

After a long convincing and promise that he won’t be forcing me to sleep with him, I went to his place. He seemed nervous and smoked a lot of cigarettes. Did not want to talk too much about his divorce, although I asked a few questions.

Anyways, he tried to touch and kiss me but I told him that it should have a meaning for me and for now it is too fast.

I also added that we can stay friends for now and get to know eachother but he replied that he wants cuddles and fun and that he is afraid of women.

We ended our meeting on a friendly note with a big hug. Then he brought me back home and we parted.

It’s been more than a week and I haven’t heard from him.

I would really appreciate your advice Anita.

What would you do in my situation?

Would you react differently? What should I do next? Is it ok to call or text him now to find out if he got divorced?

Also, I know that when dating we should wait with sex but what about a kiss? Sometimes I feel that I am too strict and overthinking.

Please help me to figure this out 🙏