Dear Dafne:

I read just a bit of your recent post, and I agree with the priest that this man is a lost soul. But I don’t think that it’s your job, nor is it in your ability, to rescue him, to bring peace and healing to him. Maybe the priest/ church can reach out to this man.

I will read your recent post and reply Fri morning (Thurs evening here).

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are welcome, Dafne, always!

“His evasiveness kept me questioning more and more. Isn’t it?”- yes, his evasiveness understandably kept you questioning him. At this point though, if he unblocks you and you get to communicate with him again, knowing that his grand project doe not exist, what would be the purpose of questioning a project that doesn’t exist?

Any new questioning in regard to the non-existent project would be futile and of no positive value, not for you and not for him.

“My only regret now is asking him those business questions by text. Maybe talking in person would not lead to such a drastic measures and blocking me Anita?”- remember when you (and your mother) questioned him- in-person- while in a restaurant, and he got upset and left?

“Maybe we could have had a peaceful talk and decided to remain friends?”- a fly and a spider cannot be friends.

“The spider is gone but why do I feel so heartbroken 💔?”- because the fly keeps hoping the spider is not a spider.

“(The priest) told me that we need to show compassion towards this lost soul and that probably he was ashamed of his current situation and couldn’t deal with rejection and more questions. He felt lost, helpless… The priest suggested that this man might struggle with mental issues, stress and a lot of pressure to perform in order to impress me. And it is a better idea to call him and see if everything is ok. To make sure that there is no more hurt feelings between us. Only then we will achieve the peace of mind. Is that something you would agree with Anita?”-

– No, I wouldn’t, Dafne. Yes, he is indeed a lost soul who struggles with mental health issues, but he is also.. a spider who will exploit your empathy. Empathy-exploiters are not necessarily cold-blooded, happy go lucky individuals who are successful in their exploiting endeavors. Many exploit others with neither clear intent nor planning, operating by instinct almost (similar to a spider).

He deserves empathy, empathy from a person he cannot exploit, a person like a trained therapist or an experienced priest who is not attached to him emotionally and who has no hope or desire for a personal, romantic relationship with him. Someone with no such hope and desire is not situated on this spider’s web, risking entanglement and entrapment at any moment.

“I somehow feel that I need to fix it and have a peaceful ending 😕 I feel awful right now… I guess like that fly from your poem”- you are in part a lost soul yourself, Dafne, aren’t you? The peaceful resolution that you need is within yourself, and it includes the resolution of your living situation with another spider. As I see it, this man-spider is a distraction from mother-spider.

“I am afraid that he got a nervous breakdown or planned something bad for himself. He seemed to be depressed. Indeed, he got rejected before and apparently got devastated once and might not manage it another time. I don’t want to be another reason for him to do something silly 😞”-

– If you can afford it, for the purpose of resolving your guilt feelings, it will be better that you offer to arrange to pay for a few therapy sessions for him than it would be for you to get back into the spider web. Of course, you’d need to pay directly to the therapist, and not hand him money personally. Or suggest that he sees the priest you know for counseling (if the priest agrees).

You cannot be this man’s therapist even if you were a professional therapist.

“What do you think Anita? Shall I give it a try and call him? (unless he blocked me on the phone too). But just to say to him how I felt and that I want a peaceful feelings between us and not anger or bitterness (even if we won’t be together)”- I think that you can text him (if he didn’t block you on the phone) and tell him just that, but do not engage in a conversation where you are exploited.

“Most of the time he treated me well and was always on time and thoughtful. He bought me some little gifts and I always prepared some home cooked treats for him in return. He helped me to escape that dreadful darkness I faced in my household… He tried to create a picture perfect image of himself so someone would love him. What should I do Anita? And in case you agree with the priest that it is ok to contact him, what would you say to him without sounding desperate or losing the dignity?”-

– Like I suggested above, before reading the part of your post quoted right above, he has been a distraction from your difficult and unhealthy living situation with your mother.

I think that it’d be okay to contact him by text (so that if he responds, you’ll have the time to prepare a response, an advantage that you don’t have in the context of a phone call), and tell him something like: “I am so sorry that I caused you distress by questioning you. I appreciate all your kindnesses, the little gifts you gave me, and I cherish these memories. I also understand that ending our relationship is best for me and for you. Sometimes love is about ending a relationship, for the benefit of both parties, and this one of these times. I hope you find empathy, support and help from other people in your life and I so very much wish you the best”.

“I hope to return the favour someday”- you are returning the favor by accepting my help. It feels good to help 🤗.

anita

Dear Dafne:

I will read and reply to you further tomorrow morning, but for now, for today, Happy Valentine Day/ Evening, Dafne 💕💕💕!

anita

Dear Dafne:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. Your appreciation and kind words mean a lot to me. 🤗

I’m glad to know that my support has provided you with hope and comfort. Please remember that you are not alone, and it is entirely okay to seek help and express your feelings.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Valentine’s Day. I love your perspective on the day—celebrating not just romantic love but also acts of kindness and love towards everyone. It’s a beautiful way to honor the spirit of love in all its forms.

“You’re right. I am a lost soul who attracted another lost soul. Some say that it is a matter of vibrations and how you feel about yourself and your life. And sometimes even the kindest, most loving women end up with abusers, addicts and controllers as husbands. And women who do not care or even neglect their husbands, end up with the most kind and understanding souls. I don’t really understand that dynamic Anita…”-

– About kind and loving women with abusive partners: people (men and women) are often drawn to what is familiar to them, even if it is not healthy. If someone grew up experiencing neglect and/ or criticism, they might unconsciously seek out romantic relationships that mirror these experiences (relationships where they are neglected and criticized) because it feels familiar and predictable.

As creatures of habit, we resist change, and stepping into a healthy relationship is too much of a change for those of us who grew up in unhealthy relationships. We are afraid of what we are not familiar with. Sticking to familiar patterns seems safer and less intimidating.

Repetition Compulsion is a psychological phenomenon where people seek out situations similar to past traumas of childhood in an attempt to resolve them. By recreating familiar dynamics, they subconsciously hope for a different outcome or some form of closure.

Also, people with Anxious Attachment Style often seek out partners with Avoidant Attachment Style, as the push-pull dynamic feels familiar and reinforces what they believe (not being worthy enough for consistent, dependable love).

Kind and nurturing women may have codependent tendencies, feeling a need to “fix” or support their troubled partners, even at the cost of their own well-being.

About neglectful women with kind partners: some men feel a need to be excessively kind and understanding in the hope to win the woman’s affection and approval, believing in the possibility of positive change. Same is true in regard to neglectful men being with kind partners).

When a child (boy or girl) grows up with an unmet need for love, they often carry a deep longing for affection into adulthood, a deep thirst, a hunger. This unfulfilled desire for love drives them to seek a romantic partner who can fill this void. In essence, they search for a loving parent figure within the context of an adult romantic relationship. Sometimes, this leads them to choose partners who mirror the unloving, even abusive behaviors of their parents, hoping to change them and finally receive the love they craved as children.

“But I agree with you and somehow I wish (even if with my last strength) to break free and find a place for myself where I can feel safe and not to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to try to brake those chains and move on from this dreadful stagnation but don’t really know where to start…”-

– It’s completely understandable to want to escape the anxiety of “walking on eggshells” and to seek a life where you can breathe freely and feel secure. It’s natural to crave trust and dependability in relationships, and it’s heartbreaking when someone you thought you could rely on turns out to be insensitive to your concerns.

Again, growing up with unloving or unavailable parents creates a deep, unfulfilled need for love and validation which can lead us to unconsciously seek out partners who mirror these behaviors (or if partners who start out loving but turn unloving, we stay with them for too long and try to win them over). Recognizing and acknowledging these patterns is the first step.

Practicing self-care and self-compassion are crucial. Problem is, Dafne, that you are living with a mother who is still abusive toward you, or about to become abusive yet again, at anytime (therefore, you are walking on eggshells). Practicing self-care and self-compassion would mean to no longer live with her.

You feel guilty about leaving her. Guilt is keeping you with her, does it?

“Maybe the project really exists”- Maybe the project really exists, but it could still be in the researching and planning stage, which is a phase where many projects often get stuck and never move forward.

“I don’t know if he would accept any therapy or priest but he told me that the only thing that will make him feel better in life was seeing me happy and creating home with me. Empty words?”-

– While he expressed that your happiness and building a home with you are important to him, these statements need to be backed by consistent and reliable actions. It’s similar to his statements in regard to the project: without his words being backed by actions (the next phase of any project), there is no progress, no moving forward.

“I forgot to mention to you that this man was consistent in courting me. He contacted me first. He showed that he liked me. He accepted to start with a friendship. He was different to men I knew before, who chased the physical intimacy first or were hot and cold or disappeared completely…. At the beginning I was very afraid of that new dynamic with him as I was used to meeting people who were not reliable or emotionally unavailable. If I’m being really honest with myself, I got even suspicious of why he was so available and nice to me”-

– The new dynamic with this man, who was consistent and genuinely interested, introduced a positive but unfamiliar experience. You were uncomfortable with this change, suspicious of it. It’s natural to feel suspicious and fearful when faced with something different from what you’re used to. Your initial fear and suspicion are understandable given your past.

Recognizing this pattern is an important step toward change. Embracing the unfamiliar—consistent kindness and genuine interest—can be very difficult, but it’s also a pathway to healthier relationships.

“I will try to send your text over the weekend and see how it goes. Thank you Anita for writing this thoughtful suggestion. If I did not read your text, I would only write: ‘Hi, can we talk? I don’t want things to end this way’ Would that be ok too Anita? Or maybe first send him the short version and if he replies then your version?”-

– Depends on the version of who he is that you currently believe in: is he the spider we’ve been discussing, or is he a loving man?

“I am mourning my childhood almost everyday and weeping for my lack of loving family. I don’t know how to keep living with this reality. It’s incredibly painful for me to have dreams and aspirations in life when I see no hope”-

– Your words deeply resonate with me, and I want you to know that it’s okay to mourn the childhood and the loving family you never had. Your pain is valid: the reality of not having experienced the love and support you deserved as a child is incredibly difficult to bear.

Finding hope amidst such pain can seem overwhelming, but please remember that you are not alone in this journey. It’s important to take small, gentle steps towards healing. While it may feel impossible now, with time and support, you can begin to nurture dreams and aspirations again.

Healing is a gradual process, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel the pain, but also give yourself permission to seek moments of joy and connection, no matter how small they may seem.

You are worthy of love, and there is hope for a better future. Please be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey, and know that I am here to support you.

Sending you love and strength and lots of hugs to you! 🫂🤗

anita

Dear Dafne:

I am touched by your words, touched by the expressions of your beautiful soul. I will reply further Sun morning. Wishing you a restful night 🤗💌🌻.

anita

Dear Dafne: Thank you for the note. While I am waiting for his response as well, I am preparing a new post for you.

anita

Dear Dafne:

The first time you mentioned this man was on Dec 29, 2024. These are your first words about him: “I’ve met someone online who seemed to be the nicest and most thoughtful man I could imagine.”

The next time you shared about him was on Jan 8, 2025: “He is in his mid-50s but still doesn’t have any stable work. He is talking about an imaginary project in Asia… when he talks about this project it sounds like a recording… it could indicate that he is making things up?”

On Feb 6, you shared: “He has sent me many apartment and house adverts and asked which one I like. Then once I told him he said that he had no money to buy and that his work wouldn’t allow him to take a mortgage or loan. Why is he even showing it to me? I’m confused…”

On Feb 9, you shared that he messaged you and invited you to a restaurant of your choosing for Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), but then rejected your choices of a restaurant, saying they are not romantic enough. He then suggested a particular restaurant, you accepted, and after some time, he told you that.. he can’t take you there, and then texted you that “he made a booking to a different restaurant”.

A day later, Feb 10, he sent you a message where he wrote that he wants to get engaged to you. The next day (Feb 11), following a conversation where you politely questioned him about The Asian Project, he canceled the Friday’s meeting at the restaurant and blocked you.

Seems to me, Dafne, that his behavior of showing you apartments and then revealing his inability to afford them is a tactic to motivate you to take financial responsibility and arrange to purchase an apartment for him (and you). By presenting apartment and house adverts, he created a vision of a future together, appealing to your desire for stability and a shared home.

His admission that he can’t afford these properties and can’t take out a mortgage is a way to subtly pressure you into considering taking loans or contributing financially to make his dream of a home a reality.

The sudden proposal for engagement seems rushed and insincere, a tactic to distract you from your valid concerns about his project and lack of transparency. Offering a symbolic gift instead of a proper engagement ring, knowing that you are a traditional woman who’d very much appreciate an engagement ring, indicates a lack of commitment and seriousness about the engagement.

By blocking you, he is trying to force you into a position where you feel compelled to take financial responsibility or make concessions (like to never again question him about the mostly imaginary Asian Project) so to regain his favor and resume the engagement plan.

His actions overall suggest a dependence on your financial resources to achieve his goals and placing undue pressure on you to take on financial responsibilities. You said it yourself on Feb 6: “I had an impression that he is looking for someone willing to contribute financially in order to have a house”.

It seems to me that he is working on two projects: the alleged Asian Project abroad, and a local, more doable one—The Dafne Project. His actions suggest that he is trying to secure financial support and stability through you while presenting an unrealistic venture abroad.

On Jan 8, you wrote: “I feel that I do not have a good screening system when I’m meeting new people. I let them steal my time and energy & then feel drained after the interaction.”- I think that he is trying to steal not only your time and energy, but also any money that you have or can get, through loans.

You are currently waiting for his response to a message you sent him, anxiously waiting, I assume..?

anita

Dear Dafne:

I am not very focused at this time, and therefore, I will reply more at length Mon morning. For now, I’d say: if I was you, I would not ask him any more questions about the imaginable Asian Project, as what would be the point of asking about awork of fiction?

Asking him questions about his work of fiction (one he may partly believe to be real) will hurt him and it will not help you.

You wrote right above: “like you said he still might be a spider!”- I say: he is a 🕷️, before and now.

You are very welcome, Dafne, I am here for you and will reply further in the morning 💝

anita