Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words and for caring about my well-being. It means a lot to me!

(BTW, I haven’t set a profile picture, so not sure what you mean?)

I am sorry about your father’s coldness and lack of empathy. What he said here is pretty awful:

Now he is saying that if I think that he is not a good father, I should stop calling him and he doesn’t want any contact with me if I ever mention my feelings or want anything from him. He said that his father never helped him and my life should not be easier than his. Also he said that many families are not in contact so it won’t make any difference for him if I disappear from his life

He was probably treated poorly by his own father, similarly like he is treating you now. It’s pretty rare for a parent to say that their child’s life shouldn’t be easier than theirs. It’s like he wants to punish you for being treated poorly as a child. In any case, I am afraid you really should heed his words and not call him, or at least you should stop expecting him to be different.

I felt so sad, disappointed & hurt that I cried many nights like a small child. Maybe I’m trying too hard to recreate what I’ve lost as a child which is impossible? Maybe he is not able to love me at all?

Yes, I am afraid he isn’t able to love you. He is a very selfish and closed-hearted person. I am sorry, Dafne. I know this is hard for you…

He dared to say that children should help financially their parents. That was his understanding of having kids. I told him that yes, you’re right but as a child I needed you first…

You told him well. He indeed sees everything through his own self-interest, and the funny thing is that he actually didn’t help you and your mother financially at all while you were growing up. So you don’t have any moral obligation to help him, after he has treated you and is still treating you poorly.

Tee, I agree with you that there is some strong connection between childhood and the future decisions that are mostly fear based. I’m trying to choose people that are the opposite of what my dadd is but still, the same patterns emerge. They are cold, emotionally unavailable, distant or angry types.

It’s good that you recognize the bad qualities in these men and are not trying to pursue them. That’s already a good start. In order to start attracting more emotionally healthy men, you’d need to work on meeting your own emotional needs first, as we’ve been talking about. Because the religious man seemed kind, but he might have been alarmed by your neediness.

I remember that he asked if I want to get married and I told him that yes, I’m looking for a friendship that leads to something more serious like engagement and hopefully marriage. Maybe this was the reason?

Hm, I don’t think he was put off by you wanting a serious relationship that will ends up in marriage. If he was religious, that’s what he too was probably looking for. I don’t know what has alarmed him, but as I said earlier, it might have been you feeling uncomfortable about his keeping in touch with his ex-wife and his stepson, and maybe feeling some extra neediness on your part?

Thank you Dafne again! You take care too!

Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome! As for the nice smiley picture, that’s Lori, the site owner. I am just a member here, and haven’t set a profile picture 🙂

Thank you for showing me your understanding & compassion that I could not find in my family home as a child and even now in my adult life.

You are very welcome, Dafne. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, totally opposite of how your father treated you and is still treating you. What you’ve experienced from him is total rejection, whereas what you need is to be seen, accepted and appreciated.

Remember what we were talking about in the beginning: that you need from a man to be seen and appreciated for who you are, not as a sex object. Your father never saw you for who you are. Unfortunately he rejected you, and that’s why you are now longing for a positive father figure, for a man who is willing to care for you and show you that love and tenderness that you’ve never received from your father. So yes, you are right about this:

I felt so sad, disappointed & hurt that I cried many nights like a small child. Maybe I’m trying too hard to recreate what I’ve lost as a child which is impossible?

You were trying to receive now, once your reconnected with your father, what you haven’t received from him in your childhood. But unfortunately, he hasn’t changed, he remained that same selfish, cold-hearted person, who doesn’t know what love is. And it hurts, I know it hurts.

But you need to know that 1) it’s not your fault that your father is incapable of true love, and 2) there is a way to make up for the love, care and appreciation that you haven’t received in childhood. There is a way to make up for those unmet emotional needs, and then your entire inner world will change. How you view yourself will change, your self-confidence and self-respect will increase, and your ability to be happy too.

I don’t really feel like dating anymore. I feel like I can’t trust people and also I get easily discouraged.

I think it’s a good idea to give yourself a break from dating for the time being. Not because I think you’ll never find a suitable man, but because I think it would be better if you focused on your own healing. On changing your inner landscape and healing those emotional wounds.

You said a while ago:

I still believe that our man should be like a real father figure (protector and provider) and being needy is human. Maybe some men like that? Maybe if we do not go overboard with our emotions, it is something to cherish and not to eliminate?

Yes, it’s okay to have needs. Our need for love, appreciation, respect etc is legitimate. And we want that our partner be someone who does love, appreciate and respect us. The problem is that if haven’t healed our childhood wounds, we will feel unlovable and unworthy. And because of that, we will have a tendency to attract men who actually treat us as if we were unlovable and unworthy.

To give you some examples: a person with no self-respect will likely get into abusive relationships and might not even recognize they are being abused, or if they do recognize it, they won’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves or leave. They might believe they deserve to be treated poorly. They may wait and wait for their abusive partner to show them some love and respect, and it never happens. They might think it’s their fault that their partner is abusive, and they blame themselves and try to become “better”, instead of realizing that the problem is in their abusive partner.

You see what I mean? An emotionally healthy person knows what they need, what is good for them, and how a healthy partner looks like. Someone with unmet childhood needs on the other hand, won’t be able to know what is good for them, they will be confused, and they will tolerate abuse for way too long. They will even be attracted to unhealthy, toxic people, because that’s the only kind of “love” they know – that’s what they’ve received from their parents.

So yes, having needs is human. But there are healthy, legitimate needs and healthy ways to meet those needs. And there are unhealthy needs: when we expect too much of our partner, we are too sensitive, we get offended too easily, we are possessive, we are jealous when our man talks to another woman, etc. We want our needs to be healthy, we don’t want to be possessive, controlling, easily offended, etc.

But we also don’t want to be treated like a doormat: we don’t want to accept abuse, manipulation, humiliation, receiving breadcrumbs instead of real love.

You see? We want to have healthy needs, which means that wee don’t expect the impossible from our partner. But we also want healthy boundaries, which means that we don’t allow to be treated with disrespect by our partner. Healthy needs and healthy boundaries go hand in hand.

You said that talking to this last guy was emotionally draining (since he was talking about his ex-wife and his stepson, as well as about having his health as one of his priorities). You felt that him staying in touch with his ex and his stepson was a proof that he is still living in his past, and that he should grow out of it:

I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me.

This might have been a projection on your part, because it doesn’t mean that he still had feelings for his ex, even if he talks to her from time to time. Maybe there was a practical reason why they were still in touch, e.g. because he wanted to stay in touch with his stepson.

Anyway, even if you were polite and “casual” in telling him that (I was quite casual and only said that past is past and I want someone who starts a new chapter with me.), it was still emotionally charged for you. You didn’t like it and he could probably feel it, even if you didn’t say it in so many words.

I am not saying that this is what drove him away, since it could have been various other reasons, even reasons that don’t have anything to do with you. But what I am trying to say is that in my view, your expectation of him to not have any other major interests in life (such as his health) and not to keep in touch with his ex and his stepson – might have been unhealthy expectations. What I mentioned above: expecting too much of your partner. And that would be because of your own unmet childhood needs. So instead of a healthy need, your need might be a bit over the top, a bit too much for a guy to fulfill.

That’s why I believe it would be best if in the next phase you would focus on your own healing, on meeting those childhood emotional needs, with the help of therapy, if possible.

That’s how you can come to a place of having both healthy needs (i.e. healthy, realistic expectations of your partner), and healthy boundaries (not allowing abuse, manipulation and disrespect).

I hope this is helpful to you, Dafne, and that you can continue to walk towards more and more healing. You’ve already grown immensely, you’ve realized some things about your father: that his heart is unfortunately closed and that you shouldn’t expect to get love from him. I hope you also know that his coldness is absolutely not your fault, because you are absolutely deserving of love, care and appreciation. Now the next thing is to start giving yourself that love, care and appreciation…

Warm hug to you too, and thank you for your kind words!

Dear Dafne,

thank you so much for your kind kind words. They touched me a lot! <3 (I’d put a heart emoji here, but don’t know how too…)

I think it’s a wonderful idea to volunteer for a dog shelter! Those dogs need a kind and loving spirit like you <3

One lady at a shelter told that most dogs suffered a lot in their childhood and still after many year are very fearful, needy for love but distant at the same time. They don’t trust easily. The amazing thing is that we have so much in common with them but do not even realise it.

Yeah, I can imagine a lot of dogs in a shelter didn’t have happy lives, or maybe they have, but once their owner passed away, the ended up alone and abandoned. It’s a labor of love to go there and care for them, even though it’s far from where you live.

I always thought that animal lovers are good people and there is no way that they can’t share their love with others. Or if a man loves his kids from previous marriage, he will also love and take care of the new women in his life. It is not true. And the irony is that my father has dogs and knows how to take care of them but doesn’t know how to love his own daughter.

Yes, I’ve heard of examples of quite selfish people who on the contrary are very soft and loving with their dogs. The dog is pampered and even spoiled, while the person’s own children don’t get even near as much love and attention.

I once saw a video by Dr Ramani, an expert on narcissism, explaining why it is that narcissists can be nice to their pets, even as they are mean to people (it’s on youtube, the title is: Can narcissists be nice to their pets?). She is saying that dogs are very loyal creatures, who don’t need much care and attention to be happy and devoted. So it’s a good “investment” for a narcissist – to get adoration and devotion (which they crave for), with a relatively low effort.

I never asked him for anything all my live (maybe only for a doll house when I was a little girl that he promised to buy but never did). And recently I asked for sending me some of his documents, which he never delivered to me as apparently he lost them or has no time as always. Now I can’t move on in life because the offices need the papers from father and won’t help me.

I am so sorry your father is so mean, Dafne. He is not only super selfish and heartless, but seems he is also vindictive, because he doesn’t want to give you important documents, I guess because you told him some things he didn’t like to hear. Narcissists are like that – they like to hold a grudge and be petty, just because you are not “adoring” him the way he would want to be adored.

He already told me that he won’t come to the wedding if I ever get married (reasons: probably the man I marry will want his house or some land etc. or that he doesn’t like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). I had a chance to get married young so now it would be embarrassing for him to come

Anyways, he thinks that it is too late to find someone to marry me now…

More hurtful, cruel remarks coming from his mouth… He is belittling you, insulting you, telling you you are too old to get married. And that you don’t deserve his time and effort (he doesn’t like to travel & dress up for an old daughter). And that you are an embarrassment to him (it would be embarrassing for him to come).

This is sooooo hurtful, so cruel and so mean, Dafne. This man has a heart of stone. He probably enjoys to hurt you and see you suffer 🙁

I think I’m not going to ask him for anything anymore but at the same time keeping in touch is more hurtful than not.

It’s just too painful for me to even think about talking to him.

Please don’t keep in touch with him any more. Every time you talk to him it’s like getting a dagger in your heart. Or drinking poison. He is emotionally abusing you. Please stay away from his abuse and his toxicity. You can’t get anything good from him, the only thing you can get from him is more abuse and more toxicity. Please protect yourself from that.

What if my future husband asks about the father? And what if he wants to see him before marrying me? I know that my father won’t invite any man to his house.

I think you need to first process and grieve the fact that this man, even though he is your biological father, doesn’t behave like a father. He doesn’t love you and he likes to inflict pain upon you. He is a very cruel man. He is the kind of man you don’t want to deal with at all.

And you don’t want to invite him to your wedding either. Because he couldn’t be happy for you. A parent should be happy when their child gets married, but your father already found the reasons not to come to your wedding! And he insulted you in the process.

Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?

Well, you have been emotionally injured by this man. Your “daddy issues” are legitimate, after everything you’ve been through with him. He first abandoned and neglected you when you were a child, and now, when he is back in your life, he is cruel and vindictive. You never got anything good and positive from him. You need to heal from the pain he inflicted upon you.

As part of your healing, you’d need to stop believing his words (e.g. that you are too old, that no one will want you, that you are an embarrassment.) You need to stop believing EVERYTHING that comes from his mouth. Because it is poison, it is simply not true.

No wonder it is painful for you to even think to talk to him again…. So, don’t talk to him, and reject (in your mind) everything cruel and demeaning that he said about you.

Shall I tell him about my childhood? How shall I tell him without scaring him away? Will he label me as a woman with daddy issues?

If you come to a point of seriously dating someone, and talking about deeper issues (including each other’s past), and you feel you can trust this man, then you can share about your childhood and explain why you have distanced yourself from your father. I mean, that would be the best: to distance yourself from your father and to heal enough to not feel bad and broken about it.

In that scenario, you would be able to talk more calmly about your father, without putting a pressure on your partner to be a surrogate father for you. As I mentioned in my last post: you would be able to have healthy needs and healthy boundaries.

But the first thing you’d need to do is set a boundary with your father. And I think the best boundary in this case is no contact. Because everything else leads to pain. It’s too hurtful, and it would be hurtful for anybody. So it’s not that you are too sensitive, but your father is a cruel man. So my suggestion is to go no contact with him.

Tee, I will take all your advice to my hear and continue my healing day by day. And if someone asks for a date, I will explain that for the moment I’m looking only for a friendship that at some point may lead to more but not now. Is that what you would say Tee?

Yes, I think it’s a good approach. Because right now, you are too vulnerable for a relationship. You’d need to learn to love yourself some more before letting someone else love you. And you need to learn how to protect yourself from abuse (primarily your father’s abuse) and set a boundary there.

You also need to reject your father’s false, negative view of you, and adopt a healthy, positive self-image. Only then will you be ready to attract a partner who will respect you and see you in a positive light.

So I’d say take it slow with dating, and focus on healing, on learning to love yourself more and more every day…

Big hug and best wishes to you too! <3

Dear Dafne,

good to hear from you again, and thank you again for your kindness and care. I haven’t figured out how to use emoticons on this website, but I enjoy seeing yours 🙂

The spring has come, but unfortunately my health took a turn for the worse again, with my back pain intensifying for no apparent reason. I hope it’s just a phase and will get better soon…

I am glad you liked the video about narcissistic people and pets.

Not many people are aware of that dynamic and generalise (just like me before) that all dog lovers are good people to everybody.

I can imagine it was confusing for you to see your father love and care for his dogs so much, and at the same time be so cold towards you. And I can imagine it made you conclude that he must be a good person, and that something is wrong with you.

Narcissistic people can also pretend very well to the outside world how loving and caring they are, whereas be extremely cold and abusive with their immediate family. They are very good at maintaining the fake image of themselves, and so if you would to complain to a say a friend of yours about your father, they might not understand what you are talking about, because they see your father as a good person. Did you have experiences like that – that other people don’t agree with how you see your father (if you ever spoke to anyone about it?)

At least now thanks to you, I know that it’s not true & I should never find excuses for his behaviour. And also not to blame myself all the time.

I am glad you’ve realized this and have a more clear view of him, and will not tolerating his abuse any more. This is a huge progress, Dafne, and I think a major milestone in your healing!

I was quite sensitive and shy as a small girl so there was no way for me to express myself freely. I had to be quite and hide in my room to avoid the conflict & the constant fights.

Maybe my personality as a child contributed to the fact that I can’t cope with life or romantic relationships in my adult life?

I know that some children were more stronger than me (especially those with siblings) and kept going, married early and broke contact with their abusive family members. I wasn’t that strong & I was always afraid to hurt them & say or do something wrong.

Every child is negatively affected by parental abuse and neglect, but we react differently. Some children feel stronger and they decide in themselves not to need love, and go through life emotionally closed and fearing emotional intimacy. They may appear strong and independent, but deep within, they are hurting, only it’s hard for them to admit. This attachment style is called avoidant attachment – these people avoid emotional intimacy and sometimes avoid relationships altogether, because they are afraid of being hurt (like they were hurt with their parents).

Other children, like you and myself, feel weaker, and they crave someone to take care of them, to give them the love and care they didn’t get as children. These people tend to be more clingy and expect their partner to be a surrogate parent in a way. That attachment style is called anxious attachment.

So if someone appears strong, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are healed, or that they haven’t been negatively affected by their childhood. Rather, it might be a defense mechanism. But it can also be that those people did heal, and realized they don’t want to endure abuse, and so they distanced themselves or even cut contact entirely with their abusive family members.

It was hard to be a child. I never spoke about my childhood with my potential dates as I could scare them away & also did not want to talk negatively about my family.

I imagine one reason why it was hard for you to talk negatively about your family (specially about your father), is that he was actually gaslighting you and telling you that your soul chose him to be your father and thus, he has no responsibility whatsoever for his behavior. That was a very serious spiritual gaslighting, intended to wash responsibility from himself and put all the blame on you. So he was confusing you and manipulating you, and you took the blame on yourself.

But maybe you’re right that one day, with the right person it could still be possible to share. For the moment I’m not ready to do that…

Yes, you don’t need to share it immediately, specially not with a potential romantic interest. But do you have a friend or relative, with whom you could share about your father? Or they wouldn’t be able to understand?

This life is not an easy journey and being emotional doesn’t always help us.

No, it’s not, and it’s a hard lesson to learn… But we need to keep on keeping on…. towards more and more healing!

Love and a big hug to you <3

Dear Dafne,

happy belated Easter to you too!

Some days are hard to even want to get up & keep going. Especially during the family holidays when everyone reunites at one table.

I am sorry it’s hard for you sometimes, Dafne. Did you spend Easter alone?

I myself am feeling a bit better again, thank God. And it does seem my pain is affected by my psychology and the mental/emotional blocks I still have in me. It’s good to know that I have at least some measure of control of my pain – that I am not completely helpless.

Yes, actually everybody always agreed with how I felt about my father. Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along. Even his own parents were not happy with his behaviour and his difficult character. It always had to be his way or no way. And if not, he got abusive & angry.

My mom was the only one trying to accommodate him, change him, give him too many chances. She denied the reality and sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings. I suppose it is because she made a bad decisions in life because she was too much in love with him. It blinded her judgment and later she suffered as well. She might feel like it is her fault not listening to all the warnings around her.

Okay, this paints an interesting picture. So your father was a difficult man, and everybody around you (both friends and family) knew about it and acknowledged it. Everybody except the most important person in your life – your mother.

Your mother was the only one who tent to look away and delude herself that he would change. She not only gaslighted herself, but also you. She invalidated your feelings and your correct view of him (sometimes didn’t want to hear my opinion and feelings).

And she is doing it to this day:

She still pushes me to send him the birthday wishes, Easter, Christmas etc. I feel it’s not right.

No, it’s not right. She is pushing you to expose yourself to his abuse, to endure it. To be nice and loving to a mean and selfish person. It’s not right, Dafne, and I hope you can stick to your resolution to stop availing yourself to his abuse. To stop contact. To stop allowing his toxicity to harm you.

It wasn’t easy for you, dear Dafne, to grow up with a mother who taught you not to have boundaries and not to respect yourself. She didn’t have self-esteem and she taught you the same. Not only by example, but also by encouraging you to disregard your father’s abuse and still be kind to him. And she taught you not to trust your own feelings – because your feelings about him were right, but she dismissed them.

She was his enabler, in a way. She enabled the abuse, even if she herself didn’t commit it. And that’s why I can imagine how hard it was for you, because you must have felt very alone. With an abusive and neglectful father, and a mother who condoned this behavior.

It’s good though that the people around you, both friends and family, saw him for who he is. You said:

Most of my family is not here anymore but as far as I remember, they could never get along.

Do you have family members who are still alive, who did understand you and who you feel would validate your feelings? Because maybe it would make sense to get in touch with them again?

All my friends tell me to forget him. They don’t even want to talk about him. For them he is not worth it. He only wants a child to support him and his vision. So no, Tee I do not really have someone to share anymore.

I see… your friends don’t want to hear your complaints about him any more. They know who he is, and they know he’ll never change. So they don’t want to waste more time on talking about him, right?

Well, I understand them. They probably want the best for you, they’d like you to “move on”. But it’s hard to move on, with all the hurt in your heart. That’s why, if you have the need to talk about him, it would be better not to talk to your friends about him, but to a professional, a therapist. Because your friends can’t help you process and heal the pain, whereas a therapist can.

And I hope that talking about him here on the forum is helping you too, if not to process the pain but at least to understand it. So you are free to talk about him here…

Maybe I should just stop talking and thinking about him? Maybe this will help me to move on faster. Is that even possible?

As I said, when you talk about him, talk with the intention to heal. Don’t talk from the position of a helpless victim (which you indeed were as a child), but from a position of an adult who you are right now.

You are an incredibly empathic and wise woman, Dafne. You are able to change your life. You are able be free from the abuse, because you are able to recognize abuse. You are able to discern what love is, vs. manipulation. You can start trusting your feelings and intuition, because they are right. You can let that wise woman guide you, Dafne.

One of my friends had daddy issues as well but she coped in a different way. Just like you said it. She erased the memory of her father and never spoke about him again. She found a man who actually is much older than her and is happy to be like a father figure to her. He doesn’t mind at all. He understands her pain and wants to take care of her and love her. Is that a better solution for woman with those issues?

Well, it’s okay if they are both happy with this dynamic. If she is a little needy and he doesn’t mind the care-taker role. It doesn’t have to be a child-parent dynamic all the time, but sometimes, say if she starts worrying about something, he might be able to console her and reassure her that everything will be fine. That kind of thing. As long as they both are happy about it and neither of them is frustrated, it’s okay.

It is a time of hope, renewal & of new beginnings. I wish this season will bring us more relief from the emotional and physical pain.

I salute to that, Dafne! To hope, renewal and new beginnings! <3

Dear Dafne,

If I was sad, I had to get over it & stop being so sensitive about it. My only coping mechanism was to shut down & find solace in my solitude.

I am sorry, Dafne, it is very hard when you have no one to confide in, no one to understand how you are feeling.

I stayed for too long. I felt frozen. I felt that there was no way out & that there is nothing better out there in this scarry world. And fear was my only companion.

You concluded those things based on your childhood experience: an abusive and neglectful father, and a mother who is pushing you to love him. No wonder world seemed like a scary place, because you didn’t have anyone to protect you and to understand you. You were lacking a basic sense of safety, which is one of our existential needs. Perhaps you didn’t lack physical safety as much as emotional  safety – to have someone to understand you and empathize with you and validate your feelings.

The same old fear comes back to me when I think that I ruined my chances with the man I’ve met at the church outing.

This fear would then be the fear of staying alone and left to struggle with your emotions alone, never be seen for who you are as a person, never be soothed that things will be okay and that someone has your back. It seems like both the need for physical and emotional safety, right? Which you are looking for in a man, in a romantic partner.

Those are all our basic childhood needs, which if we don’t have met, do cause us a great deal of fear and anxiety in our adult life. We believe we need a partner to meet those needs, when in fact we need ourselves and a good therapist to help us along the way.

Somehow I still keep thinking of what did go wrong and if not contacting him first, contributed to his decision?

You actually did contact him and sent him a video, if I remember well, but he never responded to that. So it wasn’t the lack of your initiative that made him pull away, but probably he wasn’t “feeling it” with you, which he felt with that other woman. It’s not about you not doing enough, you can be sure about that.

But I understand how the fear of staying alone is making you believe that you didn’t do enough, that if only you had written a few more messages, he would have shown interest in you. That’s not true – it’s your fear speaking. Fear of staying alone and not having those basic needs met.

Yes, Tee, most of my relatives passed away, and unfortunately, there is no one now to really listen.

This holiday felt quite lonely. I’m still taking care of my elderly and feel guilty leaving them. Talking to my mother seems pointless at this stage. It always ends up in some kind of argument and pointing all my past mistakes. I also realised that she feels quite comfortable with my current situation.

I am sorry, Dafne, that none of your living relatives can really understand and support you. I am not surprised your mother is unable to do that. She is in fact invalidating your feelings and forcing you to go against them – forcing you to be kind to your mean father. So don’t even aspect any kind of empathy from her.

And yeah, I can imagine it suits her to have you stay single and take care of her (if that’s what you are doing for her?). And who are the other elderly, that you need to take care of, if I may ask?

So it looks like I am on a good path to healing, I am aware and I know that I need to work on my self worth more. But at the same time I feel stuck again and can’t find an exit.

It’s great that you are aware that you need to work on your self-esteem. But what is also important is to be aware of those basic childhood emotional needs (the need to be seen, appreciated, your emotions validated, also the need to be seen as special and important), that you need to meet, at least to a certain extent, before you can actually have a healthy relationship.

Basically, you would need to meet the needs of your inner child. Perhaps till now, you have been identifying with your inner child – the part of you which is scared, feels helpless and needs others to save her. And you were looking for a partner, who would fulfill the role of the loving, caring parent – whom you didn’t have as a child.

But now, the goal would be to stop identifying with the inner child, but to strengthen the adult part of you, who isn’t so helpless but can actually do something to help yourself. The more you feel capable of changing your life, the more chance you have to be happy and even find a healthy partner in the future.

But the focus right now should not be on finding a partner, but on strengthening your adult self and soothing your inner child. In other words, on meeting some of your basic needs.

For example, if you feel that you are stuck in the caretaker role for others ( I’m still taking care of my elderly and feel guilty leaving them.), and that you are neglecting your own needs, the goal would be to start paying more attention to your own needs and reject some of those requests if they take a toll on you.

The goal would be to learn how to set boundaries and say “I can do this for you, but I won’t be able to do that.” Basically, learning to set boundaries, the same as you are learning in the relationship with your father.

Setting boundaries and respecting your own needs (both physical and emotional) is a way to become more anchored in the adult self, and less in the helpless child self.

So I would suggest learning about childhood emotional needs, and then trying to meet those needs, either by yourself, or with a help of a therapist. I can provide you with some resources (youtube videos and such) if you’d like to start learning about childhood emotional needs and how to meet them.

Dear Dafne, you have the capacity to help yourself, please know that. Start small, with tiny steps, and you won’t feel so paralyzed any more. It’s great that you are helping in the animal shelter – but that’s again helping others, focusing on others and their needs.

I think it would be super important to start focusing more on your own needs (e.g. to simply become more aware of them throughout the day) and how you can actually meet them – be it by simply taking a nice bath, or going for a refreshing walk, or doing something else that fills you with energy and inspiration.

Thank you for your kind words, and your empathy and encouragement on my healing journey. I wish you healing too, and want to ensure you that healing is indeed possible! <3

Dear Dafne,

I am doing alright, although some health anxiety is lurking again. But I have tools to deal with it now, so it’s manageable…

But to be honest with you what really helped me was when you told me to take care of my emotional needs by myself. And that it is not too late to be loved and to not feel helpless anymore. It never occurred to me before that I can still do that now as an adult.

I am glad this is what helped you. Yes, luckily it’s not too late and we, as adults, can actually help ourselves and meet those childhood needs. Which is really empowering and gives us hope!

Anyways, I decided to see how the session goes with the counselor. It was not easy for me to do it but I gave it a shot.

People were welcoming but unfortunately it was too judgmental and did not give me any tips on how to move on and heal faster.

Glad you tried it out, but I agree with you – this counselor was not helpful at all!

For example, they told me that it was my fault that I stayed with my abusive family. I should report them to social services when I was a child and I wasn’t smart enough to do that. Really? Could I change anything back then?

Oh my! The counselor is blaming you as a child for not reporting your parents to social services. This is so wrong! How can a helpless child advocate for themselves when they might not be even aware that what they are experiencing is abuse. Also, children tend to cling to even the most abusive parents, because their survival literally depends on them, and they have nowhere else to go. So blaming you as the child for not doing anything to help yourself is utterly wrong and unprofessional.

Also they told me that I ‘lost’ the man that I’ve met in the church because I was not proactive and waited too long. When he replied thank you to the video I should have contacted him again in a few days and say that I want to see him again.

If he were interested, he would have kept the conversation going. You made the move, you sent him the video. He politely thanked you, but that’s all. After that he stopped communicating. There was nothing more you could have done to spark his interest, because he would have shown it to you, had he been interested.

And that I should never ever tell him that my fiancée passed away as men are afraid of that. Is that true?

No, absolutely not. That’s a painful fact from your past, but why would he be afraid of that? As if it was your fault that your fiancee passed away?? This counselor really doesn’t have a clue. What are their credentials btw? Where have you found them?

I’ve got job offers abroad but every time had to refuse them as I felt guilty. I was really trying to apply some changes and even told them that I am planning to move out and will travel for my work. They say that if I go, I won’t find them here when I come back or that they will finish with their lives and I will end up by myself! My mom has a dog and told me that if I will leave her, she will give him away to strangers or even worst. She knows I love that dog and it feels like an manipulation with my feelings.

I am so sorry, Dafne, that your mother is treating you like this. You are seeing it right: what your mother is doing is emotional blackmail. She is threatening to kill herself, or to kill or harm her dog, which is the lowest kind of blackmail. No wonder you feel guilty if you leave – because she is guilt tripping you, making you guilty if you don’t comply with her wishes.

The first thing you’d need to do is to realize that you have the right to meet your own needs, to do things that are beneficial to you and your happiness. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for your mother or anybody else. It is one thing to help your loved ones, but it’s an entirely different thing to sacrifice your life for someone who only thinks of themselves and doesn’t care one bit about you.

It seems your mother is similar to your father in that aspect: telling you that you are selfish if you want to be happy and thrive in life. If you think of yourself too, not only of her and her needs. Doing something for yourself is selfishness in her eyes. Whereas it is her who is actually selfish. Because she only cares about herself, not you.

She also drinks and her mood is horrible after that. She got bitter with age and that’s her way of dealing with problems and the regrets. Everytime she talks about the past, my mistakes with other man, shouts, compares me to my father etc. If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned, she says that I have my father’s character

There is a saying: “The best defense is a good offense.” When you try to make her accountable for her drinking, she doesn’t take responsibility for it, but instead blames you, telling you that you are like your father. She also blames you for your past mistakes. That’s a way to deflect attention from herself and talk about you and your deficiencies.

She is refusing to take responsibility for her own deficiencies, for her own bad behavior, and instead focuses on you and your weaknesses. And if you mention hers, she is quick to accuse you of being selfish and mean, like you father.

What she is doing is emotional abuse: emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, false accusations and portraying herself the victim while falsely portraying you as the villain.

She always gives examples of daughters who’s parents were alcoholics and abusers and those women were strong, not like me, and found husbands & got married. Why those comparisons? I don’t understand that.

This is another way how she accuses you: that you are not strong enough, because other women are supposedly stronger, even if they had abusive parents. So again, she is not taking responsibility for her own abusive behavior, but accuses you of not being strong enough to endure the abuse. It is called victim blaming.

It is similar to your father’s spiritual gaslighting: when he told you that your soul chose him to be your parent, which supposedly clears him from all responsibility. So again, victim blaming.

I see a similarity between your mother and your father: they are both abusive, but deny all responsibility, and actually blame you for all sort of things: from being selfish if you want anything for yourself, to being weak for not enduring their abuse better.

So both of your parents actually blame you for their own parenting mistakes, as well as for their present-day abusive, selfish behavior. Pretty astonishing!

Everytime her hurtful remarks make me sad and I need a few days to recover from that. How can I respond to her?

No wonder those remarks hurt you, because she is blaming you, while the truth is that you are actually her victim. And also, you are a loving and caring person, and so when your mother tells you you are selfish, a part of you starts thinking that maybe you are indeed selfish. Specially since you have received the same treatment from both of your parents: accusing their own child for having normal child’s needs, and now, for having normal adult needs!

So unfortunately, what you have learned from your parents in your childhood (and it is continued to this day) is that having legitimate needs is selfish. That you don’t matter, but only they matter. This is the kind of programming that you are dealing with and that you would need to “reprogram”.

With such parenting, it wouldn’t be surprising if one of your core false beliefs were “I don’t matter. I am not important”. Do you perhaps feel that way about yourself?

How can I respond to her?

I think similarly as to your father: to start setting boundaries. But first, to not believe her when she is guilt-tripping you and accusing you of being selfish. To know that you have the right to your needs, to your own life. That you are not a selfish person for wanting good things for yourself.

And secondly, I would stop trying to make her see how destructive her behavior is, and how badly she has hurt you:

If I try to protect myself and tell her that she should not drink and that I felt disappointed by both of them and abandoned

Unfortunately, she is the kind of person who denies any responsibility of her own. So trying to extract any kind of admission from her (that she’s hurt you, past or present) will likely result in her accusing you and hurting you even more. Similarly as you stopped expecting that kind of admission from your father, try not to expect it from your mother either. Because chances are she won’t give it to you.

Instead, start planning your future. Look into options of working abroad or moving away. Try not to feel guilty. I know it’s easier said than done, but start with at least a mental understanding that you have the right to meet your needs and go after your happiness.

You can start small, by affording yourself something (perhaps a gift for yourself, or a trip that you always wanted to make), to counter the false belief that you and your needs don’t matter. So maybe give yourself a gift, spoil yourself with a little something, because you definitely deserve it.

And then you can start planning for bigger things: how to be caring towards your mother (and her cousin), and yet not sacrifice your life. How to find a balance between caring for your own needs and caring for other people’s needs.

The truth is that you can be loving and caring towards others, but do it from the place of self-love, not the place of guilt and self-denial.

I hope you can start walking on that path, Dafne. The path of self-love, self-care, self-compassion. This is not selfishness at all, but what we all need if we want to truly live and be happy.

I know you can do it, Dafne. It’s fantastic that you are already trying to help yourself, and feeling a bit more empowered and hopeful about the future.

I am rooting for you, Dafne! Please let me know how it is going. And if you feel stuck, I am here…

Lots of love and a big hug <3

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and am happy I can help <3

You’re right those counselors weren’t professional and unfortunately my anxiety skyrocketed after that visit.

Even the fact that they were two (or more) of them, not just one counselor, in the session with you, is strange. Individual counseling is done 1:1. There is no need for another person to sit in the room, unless they are perhaps a supervisor. But that’s rare. Did both of those supposed “counselors” actually actively participate in the session with you? Have you inquired about their credentials? Because it could be that they are not real counselors, with a proper training.

I will try to apply your plan for the future and moving away at some point. I could still visit frequently and help as much as I can without staying accesible and feel stuck in one place with them full time.

I am so glad you’ve decided to plan for your future, where you won’t be stuck in the care-taker role full time, but will have the freedom to follow your own path. That’s wonderful!

But Tee, what should I do with that little dog? He did not deserve to be treated like that. What if my mother is serious and will give him away. His heart would not handle it as he has a separation anxiety and doesn’t stay alone at home and never at other people’s place.

You mean someone is always at home and he never needed to stay at home alone? And he hasn’t been trained for that either? I am not a dog expert, but perhaps you can inquire at the dog shelter you’re volunteering at about what’s best to do.

And also, I know people like your mother – they like to blackmail with suicide or horrid things like that, but they would actually never do it. That’s their manipulation tactic. It is a way to keep you obedient and in the role she wants you to be. So don’t worry, she wouldn’t do any of the kind.

And if she keeps threatening, you can tell her that she seems self-dangerous, and that you’ll have to report her to the authorities (e.g. her GP) that she might harm herself or the dog, and that she’ll need to be taken for a psychiatric evaluation. That can be a bluff, of course, but I think it might be enough to silence her.

Because such people can only behave if they are blackmailed in some way, if they fear the possible consequences for them. If not, they have no regard whatsoever for other people, and you can’t reason with them. So I think this might be a good tactic – to use her own method and blackmail her (even if you are bluffing) with unpleasant consequences if she keeps telling these disturbing things about harm and self-harm.

And you’re so right about that wrong mind program running in my head since childhood. It is mostly those little statements that my family always used on me: don’t talk, stay quite, what people will think, hide in your room or he (my uncle or my dadd) will get more angry when he sees you smiling (I could not smile in the presence of my uncle), don’t touch this, your opinion doesn’t matter etc.

That’s so unfortunate, Dafne, that you were not allowed to be a normal kid, play freely and express yourself freely. You constantly had to fear something (your father or your uncle), and your mother was feeding that fear: she actually conditioned you to be this fearful little girl, who should not be seen or heard, who shouldn’t have any needs or desires of her own, who should hide in the corner (or her room) lest she gets the beating.

I am so sorry that you were treated like that. It is time now to slowly but surely liberate that little girl from her corner, to let her speak and want things and express herself, and play freely. She deserves it, and you deserve it too. Her time, and your time, has come.

I feel lots of fear. I hope it will not prevent me from moving away and finding my own place. I’m not sure if I can make it on my own. It is ironic how we are emotionally attached to people who have hurt you the most in life. Isn’t it?

I know you feel fear. It’s normal that you do. Because you were taught that you are not good enough, and that you better hide from the world, instead of go out into the world and thrive and be happy. The message your mother gave you was something like “stay here with me, where you are safe. You are not good for anything else anyway.”

But staying with her, caring for her and sacrificing your life for her is not a safe place at all. It is a place of decay and degradation. A place of lost opportunities and unfulfilled dreams.

So it is time to get out of there, slowly but surely. You don’t need to do it suddenly, but by taking baby steps.

I would also recommend to find something that you enjoy doing, and do more of it. Because you need to play more, you need to give your inner child the joy of doing something just for the fun of doing it. Not because it serves anybody. But simply because you enjoy it, so it serves you!

So take up a hobby or some activity outside of serving your mother and her cousin, and even outside of volunteering at the dog shelter. Something which is pure joy for you, and you feel alive and happy when you do it.

Is there such a thing for you?

I am so happy that you are opening up to the possibility of venturing out from your comfort zone. Which of course is not comfortable at all, but painful. But it feels safe, until we realize it is not. And until it starts shrinking on us. At least that’s what I am learning nowadays about my own comfort zone…

So I completely understand your fears, but I also know it is a necessity to step out of our comfort zone, if we want to be really happy and fulfilled.

I am rooting for you, and thinking of you! Much love <3