Post #3- Dear Dafne:

Your mother spent years trying to change or accommodate (enable) your father, denying the reality of the situation, and ignoring your opinions and feelings. She has been pushing you to maintain contact with your neglectful and abusive father and uses emotional manipulation, such as threatening to give away the dog or worse, if you leave her. She often criticizes you, compares you unfavorably to others, and brings up past mistakes, leading to feelings of sadness and the need for recovery time. When you tried to address your disappointments or her drinking, she deflects by saying that you have your father’s character or aren’t strong enough.

She alternates between protecting the father and speaking badly about him, creating confusion and emotional turmoil for you.

Your mother rescued a dog during COVID-19, demonstrating her capacity for compassion and love. However, she also uses the dog to manipulate you by threatening to give it away if you leave.

She provided free babysitting and housekeeping services to the man you were supposed to marry. This behavior might indicate a desire to ingratiate herself into his household, potentially seeking a larger, more stable home for herself.

You understandably feel that your mother is unsupportive and dismissive of your feelings and opinions, leading to frequent arguments and feelings of pointlessness in conversations. You also feel guilty about leaving her and are manipulated by your mother through guilt trips and threats regarding the dog.

The constant criticism and emotional manipulation results in you feeling overwhelmed, leading to significant emotional breakdowns. You had to sacrifice your plans and well-being due to your mother’s moodiness and lack of support, leading to resentment and stress.

Overall, your mother’s behavior is characterized by emotional manipulation, control, and inconsistent support. While she shows compassion, such as rescuing the dog, she simultaneously uses that compassion as a tool for manipulation. Her actions, such as providing free babysitting and housekeeping, may stem from self-interest, seeking to secure a better living situation for herself.

Your mother’s inability to deal with her own issues healthily resulted in a deeply dysfunctional relationship with you, one where you feel trapped and constantly criticized.

Your struggles with self-worth, emotional security, and relationship difficulties are a direct result of your mother’s behavior, these are natural responses to growing up in the toxic environment created by your mother.

Your heightened sensitivity was not a flaw but a normal and understandable reaction to the challenges you faced. It’s important to acknowledge that your emotional responses were shaped by your environment and the behaviors you were subjected to.

Seeking therapy and external support can help you address these challenges, build healthier coping mechanisms, and develop a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional security. Your awareness and willingness to understand your past are crucial steps toward healing and personal growth.

Any little girl growing up with the exact same mother as yours, having a father with the exact same behaviors as yours, and growing up in the exact circumstances, including not having any significant support from any other adult while growing up.. any such girl, would have grown up to suffer from the same challenges you’ve been suffering from- including significant self-doubt and lack of self-confidence.

* A note about myself and how I relate to you: much of what you shared about your mother is very similar to my experience with my own mother: selective compassion (for some animals), self-interest (no consideration at all for my emotional well-being), controlling, very critical of me, manipulative (guilt-tripping, histrionics), etc.

Similar to your mother, my mother blamed me for the natural reactions to her abuse, and for being weak, comparing me unfavorably to other (allegedly strong) daughters. It was similar, figuratively, to one person (my mother) stabbing another person (me) with a knife, and then complaining that I was bleeding, accusing me of.. overreacting to her stabbing (by bleeding).

Back to you, Dafne: I sure hope that you find a way to separate from your mother, as I have done in regard to my mother, so that you are no longer a subject to her control and abuse. But I do understand that it can be very difficult for you to move out and live away from her because of guilt and self-doubt (which I heavily suffered from myself), and that professional help may be necessary for you at this time, so that you can live separately from her.

It reads like you may have been looking for a romantic relationship as a way to escape your mother’s control and abuse, as in looking for a man to remove you from your mother’s abuse (this was true to me)..?

I hope that the above is helpful and remember- I understand how difficult all this is- so, give yourself the space and time to figure things out at your own pace, preferably with the help of quality professional help.

anita