Post #3- Dear Dafne:

Your mother spent years trying to change or accommodate (enable) your father, denying the reality of the situation, and ignoring your opinions and feelings. She has been pushing you to maintain contact with your neglectful and abusive father and uses emotional manipulation, such as threatening to give away the dog or worse, if you leave her. She often criticizes you, compares you unfavorably to others, and brings up past mistakes, leading to feelings of sadness and the need for recovery time. When you tried to address your disappointments or her drinking, she deflects by saying that you have your father’s character or aren’t strong enough.

She alternates between protecting the father and speaking badly about him, creating confusion and emotional turmoil for you.

Your mother rescued a dog during COVID-19, demonstrating her capacity for compassion and love. However, she also uses the dog to manipulate you by threatening to give it away if you leave.

She provided free babysitting and housekeeping services to the man you were supposed to marry. This behavior might indicate a desire to ingratiate herself into his household, potentially seeking a larger, more stable home for herself.

You understandably feel that your mother is unsupportive and dismissive of your feelings and opinions, leading to frequent arguments and feelings of pointlessness in conversations. You also feel guilty about leaving her and are manipulated by your mother through guilt trips and threats regarding the dog.

The constant criticism and emotional manipulation results in you feeling overwhelmed, leading to significant emotional breakdowns. You had to sacrifice your plans and well-being due to your mother’s moodiness and lack of support, leading to resentment and stress.

Overall, your mother’s behavior is characterized by emotional manipulation, control, and inconsistent support. While she shows compassion, such as rescuing the dog, she simultaneously uses that compassion as a tool for manipulation. Her actions, such as providing free babysitting and housekeeping, may stem from self-interest, seeking to secure a better living situation for herself.

Your mother’s inability to deal with her own issues healthily resulted in a deeply dysfunctional relationship with you, one where you feel trapped and constantly criticized.

Your struggles with self-worth, emotional security, and relationship difficulties are a direct result of your mother’s behavior, these are natural responses to growing up in the toxic environment created by your mother.

Your heightened sensitivity was not a flaw but a normal and understandable reaction to the challenges you faced. It’s important to acknowledge that your emotional responses were shaped by your environment and the behaviors you were subjected to.

Seeking therapy and external support can help you address these challenges, build healthier coping mechanisms, and develop a stronger sense of self-worth and emotional security. Your awareness and willingness to understand your past are crucial steps toward healing and personal growth.

Any little girl growing up with the exact same mother as yours, having a father with the exact same behaviors as yours, and growing up in the exact circumstances, including not having any significant support from any other adult while growing up.. any such girl, would have grown up to suffer from the same challenges you’ve been suffering from- including significant self-doubt and lack of self-confidence.

* A note about myself and how I relate to you: much of what you shared about your mother is very similar to my experience with my own mother: selective compassion (for some animals), self-interest (no consideration at all for my emotional well-being), controlling, very critical of me, manipulative (guilt-tripping, histrionics), etc.

Similar to your mother, my mother blamed me for the natural reactions to her abuse, and for being weak, comparing me unfavorably to other (allegedly strong) daughters. It was similar, figuratively, to one person (my mother) stabbing another person (me) with a knife, and then complaining that I was bleeding, accusing me of.. overreacting to her stabbing (by bleeding).

Back to you, Dafne: I sure hope that you find a way to separate from your mother, as I have done in regard to my mother, so that you are no longer a subject to her control and abuse. But I do understand that it can be very difficult for you to move out and live away from her because of guilt and self-doubt (which I heavily suffered from myself), and that professional help may be necessary for you at this time, so that you can live separately from her.

It reads like you may have been looking for a romantic relationship as a way to escape your mother’s control and abuse, as in looking for a man to remove you from your mother’s abuse (this was true to me)..?

I hope that the above is helpful and remember- I understand how difficult all this is- so, give yourself the space and time to figure things out at your own pace, preferably with the help of quality professional help.

anita

Dear Dafne,

Happy New Year to you too! 🌟 It’s wonderful to read from you again. Your words of appreciation mean a lot to me. I’m grateful that you find the insights and support from Tee and me helpful.

I also hope that Tee is doing well and is in good health. She has indeed been a remarkable support for many.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences so openly. I can feel the depth of your reflections and the emotional journey you’re on. It’s not easy to recognize and confront the unhealthy dynamics in our relationships, but your awareness is a significant step toward healing and growth.

Regarding Your Mother, you shared: “living together affects me in a very negative way. There are periods of smiles and good moments, but I can feel that it won’t last as she will get moody again, searching for a fight, and the blaming, and complaining will start again. I need to escape somehow”-

– her mood swings create a sense of unpredictability and instability in your living environment. This emotional rollercoaster is exhausting and stressful. She tends to seek out conflicts: this behavior creates a hostile and tense atmosphere for you. There are brief periods of smiles and good moments, providing temporary relief and a false sense of hope. However, these moments are overshadowed by the recurring negative behaviors.

You are aware that the good moments are short-lived and that your mother’s negative behavior will inevitably return. This cyclical pattern of hope and disappointment contributes to a sense of helplessness.

Her habit of blaming and complaining is emotionally draining as it places a constant burden on you. Constant criticism and blame erode self-esteem and self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

The accumulation of negative experiences and emotional strain makes a person feel overwhelmed and desperate to escape the situation. Escaping from this situation is not just about physical distance but also about finding a healthy emotional space. In other words, a mother such as yours (and mine) is detrimental to her daughter’s health, and the desire to escape her is a natural response to the overwhelming stress and emotional drain caused by such a mother.

Your recognition that her treatment of you is not right and that you deserve better is essential. It’s understandable to feel stuck, especially when past therapy experiences were not helpful, and living in a remote area limits your options.

* I used to liken my mother (who displayed similar behaviors as your mother) to an emotional vampire, where she temporarily feels better by making me feel bad, draining my emotional energy on a regular basis. In practice, by making me feel bad, she experienced a temporary sense of relief from her own negative emotions. This release, however, was always short-lived and didn’t address the root cause of her distress.

When criticizing and blaming me (which she did A LOT), she anticipated my reactions, such as feeling upset, guilty, or apologetic. These reactions were familiar and expected because they occurred many times before. By knowing how I will react, she felt that she had the power to influence and control my emotions. She knew what to expect and was able to rely on the same outcome each time, which gave her a sense of stability and control. This sense of power was comforting to her because she felt powerless in her life otherwise. By eliciting predictable reactions from her daughter, she experienced- temporarily- a sense of order and control that she did not experience elsewhere.

And because such relief was temporary, she had to repeat, shame and guilt-trip me again and again, so to experience more and more moments of relief and power.

I remember her shaming me (with piercing, shame-loaded words) and then quietly looking at my face intently with a tiny smile and visible excitement, excitedly waiting for few seconds or so, to see the shame registering on my face.

Making me feel bad established a power dynamic where she felt dominant, powerful and in control of me. By creating a dynamic where I felt responsible for her (lack of) happiness, she ensured that I remained emotionally dependent on her. This dependency reinforced her sense of control and reduced her fear that I will abandon her.

As a result, I felt emotionally drained and exhausted, every day, from constantly absorbing her negativity. I experienced a low, low self-esteem, inadequacy and guilt. I felt very much stuck living with her and day-dreamed about living away and free from her. When I finally moved out, I felt intense euphoria, a great feeling of freedom. Unfortunately, because I kept talking with her on the phone and visiting her in-person, my experience of emotional freedom was short-lived, until recently. It took a while of no-contact for me to start feeling free. (No-contact was extremely difficult for me because of the guilt).

Regarding romantic relationships: It’s vital to find a partner who genuinely respects and supports you, not just as an escape route. Desperation and fear can cloud judgment, leading to choices that are not in your best interest.

Your concerns about the man you met online are valid. The red flags you mentioned, such as the suspicious project in Asia, unrealistic stories about his parents, and his inconsiderate suggestions, all point to a lack of trustworthiness.

“He showed me an official letter… Do you think it could be true?… Maybe he was afraid that I could verify it? Also, when he talks about this project it sounds like a recording. He repeats himself all over again. Is that a sign of any illness like autism or it could indicate that he is making things up?… Is there any way that I could verify his identity? The story about his parents seems unrealistic to me… How could I find out the truth without offending him? Does that seem suspicious to you too Anita?… What can I say or do to clear things up?… He thinks that I should move to his place and go to work from there (which is almost 1.5h or more and one way). I felt that suggestion was very inconsiderate of him. What do you think Anita? And what would you agree to any of this?”-

– The fact that there has been no progress on his project in four years and his request for more patience are concerning. It’s reasonable to expect some tangible results over such a long period. The official letter he showed you, which he refuses to share, raises doubts. While it’s possible he’s being truthful, this lack of transparency is a red flag. It’s understandable to feel skeptical. His repeated statements about the project could be a sign of scripted responses or evasion. While it might not necessarily indicate a specific illness like autism, it does warrant caution and further questioning.

The story about his parents and their cremation seems unrealistic, considering cultural and religious norms. This discrepancy could indicate that he is not being entirely truthful about his background.

His suggestion that you move to his place and commute for over 1.5 hours each way is indeed inconsiderate. It shows a lack of understanding and respect for your time and needs.

To verify his identity and the authenticity of his claims, you could * Do some online research: look for any information or references to his project or the cultural center, * Ask (again) for proof: express your need for transparency and trust in the relationship and politely request more concrete evidence or details about his work. A legitimate project should have verifiable information. * Consider consulting a professional (like a private detective) for advice.

Based on the information you’ve shared, it’s essential to proceed with caution. Trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being. Your time and emotional energy are valuable. It’s crucial to prioritize your well-being and avoid situations that cause unnecessary stress or uncertainty.

Dafne, your journey is one of courage and resilience. You’ve come a long way in recognizing the patterns and dynamics that affect your well-being. Continue to prioritize yourself, set healthy boundaries, and seek supportive relationships that uplift you.

Thank you for being so open and for your kind words. Your support means a lot to me. I’m here for you, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Have a beautiful day and stay strong, and yes, I will stay with you!

anita