Hi Cass,

I’m sort of the opposite of Anita here. I don’t believe in luck and do believe everything happens for a reason and that there is a higher power.

I think when bad or undesirable things happen to us, it’s just providing a lesson that we need to learn. Sometimes those lessons are really, really painful, but if you learn the lesson when these things happen and grow from it, they’re not likely to repeat. You seem to be putting blame on yourself here where it isn’t due, like this happened because you’re not lucky in love or did something wrong, but really the reason doesn’t seem to be anything to do with you… it’s that this man is depressed. When people fall into a state of depression, especially when they’re in new relationships, the relationship is often the first thing to go… even in long-term relationships. There comes a point where they just don’t want to deal with anything else at all because they’re having a hard enough time dealing with themselves so they just cut everything else loose. Or they hate the way their life is so they suddenly need to change EVERYTHING and they “throw the baby out with the bath water.” In this case, he probably knows he wasn’t living up to the standard that he should be as your boyfriend (the standard he would set for himself) and it was putting pressure on him… not that you were putting pressure on him but he was putting it on himself and that was creating more anxiety in him… one more thing he was worrying about.

Would it have been better not to argue about his change in affection? Maybe, but you didn’t know that at the time, and even if you hadn’t argued, it wouldn’t have guaranteed a different outcome. He may have cut the relationship off anyway because one side effect of depression is not feeling anything at all (which is often why there is a loss of affection) and, weirdly, that can be accompanied by an increase in anxiety because they know there’s something wrong but they can’t fix it and have no desire to fix it.

With that said, I wouldn’t write this relationship off quite yet. It’s possible that once the pandemic has calmed down and everyone can get back to their routines, he may call you up and want to try again. Before you get back with him though, I would make sure that he has something in place to help him when he feels depressed again, such as a therapist, so that he doesn’t try to push you away again later on.  And if you do get back together, you will know now that when he starts to act different or is less affectionate, it’s a sign he needs help… not from you (because you can’t be his therapist, even if you WERE a therapist, they advise them to not provide therapy to loved ones) but from a therapist or perhaps medication from a doctor. This was a good learning experience for you, and that, in my opinion, is the whole point of these bad things that happen.

So no, I don’t think you’re unlucky in love. You’re just still learning and maybe haven’t met your match yet (or you both need to grow before you can be together if this guy is your match). A loss of a relationship doesn’t say anything about you as long as you were caring, loving, and respectful for the most part in that relationship, which it sounds like you were. Sometimes the end of a relationship is about what the other person might be dealing with. Sometimes it’s just that you aren’t compatible with each other for one reason or another. There are lots of reasons, so it’s important that you don’t put any measure of your self-worth into that and try not to be embarrassed. All relationships end at some point.

Dear Cass:

My new thoughts as I re-read your original post:

1. “I’ve been dating this incredible man for 3 months… He was not the same person I fell for”- it’s too soon, within 3 months, to know who he was before, and who he became later. I figure you fell in love with some things about him that you liked, but you couldn’t have gotten to know him thoroughly so quickly.

2. You are only 21- too early and too little experience in romantic relationships to form a conclusion that you are “‘Unlucky’ in love”.

3. It takes two emotionally healthy individuals to form a healthy love relationship. You may be emotionally healthy, but there are so many depressed and severely distressed people in the world (before and after the pandemic), that statistically, it is hard to come by a mentally healthy person.

4. I just read Valora’s May 1 post to you- excellent analysis and advice on her part, thorough and balanced, wow!

5. Think of a future love relationship (with this man or with someone you are yet to meet) as a Win-Win deal. It has to be a win for both parties. The goal is that each party to the relationship is part of the Solution for the other, not part of the Problem.

You help him, he helps you.

Let’s say you are back with this guy, take the time to get to know him better. Not from articles and books but directly from him. Find out his goals in the context of a love relationship and share your own, see if there is a fit. Talk about anything and everything.

When you see him depressed and withdrawn- give him alone time, let him be. Come back to him at a later time. Alone, he has the chance to recover from his latest low, but if you choose to talk to him when he is most low and withdrawn/ numb/ not responsive- he is likely to get overwhelmed and give up on the relationship altogether.

anita