Dear humour:

Unresolved issues from the past, if they are significant unresolved issues, they do not go away with time. Certain problem behaviors may stop with time, but deep underlying issues do not go away because they are physically … stuck in the brain in the form of connections between brain cells. We cannot change those connections by will, a decision. The first connections are made when we are children and we have no choice in the matter. For example, if a child is being told or shown that he doesn’t matter, then he forms the connection between brain cells: I don’t matter! (What a child is told and shown, he or she believes automatically). Then over time, as the child grows up, that one connection multiplies and applies to many areas in life: it is no longer only in the context of the relationship with the dismissive parent, but there are connections to all relationships including in the area of a career. Multiple connections all coming from the first.

Healing is about the difficult, slow work of disconnecting and reconnecting brain cells. It is possible and is an amazing process. The brain is an amazing organ!

What do you think?

And if you do think about what I wrote, and if something new occurs to you as a result- there is a new connection you just formed. Healing is about undoing the old untrue (not congruent with reality) connections and making new true connections.

anita

Dear RR:

Is this idea of disconnecting and reconnecting brain cells new to you? If so, this very idea is a new brain connection you just made. Whenever you learn something new you form a new brain connection. When you learn a simple fact like that this country has so many people as its population size, that is a simple brain connection and often a connection that doesn’t hold for long as you forget it. To learn something new like: I am a worthy person- this is not a simple connection to make. You think it: I am worthy, and feel nothing much. This means you made a simple connection but there already are so many established connections in your brain stating the opposite, that the sentence: I am worthy- does not feel like anything much.

If over time you say I am Worthy and you feel something significant, and it feels like you believe it for the moment, that means there is more than one connection made and it means some of the old connections stating the opposite have been weakened.

Good psychotherapy will help a lot in this process: cognitive therapy (CBT) combined with Mindfulness. Mindfulness is a skill to develop over time where you pay attention, you notice things that you didn’t notice before.

Please do post again…

anita

Good question. I feel I’ve put the past behind me, I don’t know if I’m totally over it, specifically because people tell me I’m not. I’ll reminisce and they claim it’s me bringing up the past. Very confusing. I feel it’s when you can tell a story and not feel anything [beyond maybe nostalgia for the memory I guess] you’re over something.

I also feel overwhelmed with life’s troubles at times. I suppose you should ask yourself which pain is worse, the pain of failing or the pain of regret. This is my last week at a job I’ve worked for 3 years which was torture emotionally and mentally [and I guess physically because of my foot/hip pains as a result of standing 10 hours] and I’m terrified but I know the fear of might not finding a job for a while is less painful than staying here. On top of that I’m moving somewhere I’ve never been, and again I’m scared. Some days I contemplate staying put, but I know how miserable I am here, the fear is temporary, give it a week or two and I’ll settle into my new surroundings and that fear will be gone.

Life is about choices, sometimes they’re bad, but they help you in the long run, you just need to learn how to keep fear in check. [Lol, I’m one to talk, my boyfriend has to pay me on the head almost daily and tell me I’m going to be ok.] Maybe you just need some reassurance from a loved one.

Dear humour:

You are welcome and please do post again any time.

*RR: would you like to start a thread about your relationship with your girlfriend and how it is affected by unresolved issues from your past? I would like to read such and reply there!

anita