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Unsure on what to do moving forward, what is she thinking?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Unsure on what to do moving forward, what is she thinking?

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  • February 13, 2019 at 8:01 am #279965
    Kenneth
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’ve been dating this girl (co-worker) for more than a year, and we broke things off last year Oct due to some differences as I thought that it would be better if we had sometime to cool off. She decided that she wanted to be just friends. We have a few fights after that when I tried to repair our relationship, and I admit that I acted like a crazy ex for a while by sending her gifts to apologize and texting her a few times in the middle of the night to ask for a meetup. ( This was my first ‘relationship’, so yea, I made all the stupid mistakes ).

    Ever since then, she started going cold. I realized that I wasn’t myself and wrote her a letter to apologize for my behavior, after which I decided to leave her alone as I hope that with time, things will cool down and we might have a chance to be on friendly terms again. She did liked some of my instagram posts while I was on vacation, and prior to that I’ve noticed that she was wearing the earrings I got her from my previous vacation almost everyday.

    After the ‘no contact period’ I’ve decided to initiate contact, as I hope enough time has passed by such that she’ll be more willing to talk to me. But it seems instead she has moved on instead, cause I’ve noticed she have cleared some of the stuff I got her from her desk, she also stopped wearing the earrings i got her. She only tried talking to me only once when I came back from vacation, after that she went back cold again. I’ve tried texting her, but all of them didn’t go beyond 3 replies. When we see each other in office, all we do was just a casual smile but no communication.

    Honestly all these because so painful and exhausting I’ve decided to let her go, let myself go. Because she because so resistant to my presence such that I don’t know if she (1) hates me, (2) afraid of me, (3) disgusted at me or (4) she doesn’t know what to do also so she’s running away. I guess one of the hardest thing to go thru a breakup is to see your ex behaving awkward or afraid of you, or give off a very resistant vibe when messaging her. And the worse thing is I have to endure that everyday.

    But every-time I’ve decided to let go, things will happen, e.g. she tried contacting me after I came back from vacation, or I’ve decided to move on and stop contacting her since 1st Feb, she would out of the blue return a book I lent her just yesterday.

    So what is she thinking? What should I do? I want us to be at least on friendly talking terms again, but it seems like she doesn’t want to. I don’t know how to break down the wall that she has built.

    February 13, 2019 at 10:06 am #280027
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kenneth,

    This is why we don’t date co-workers. The job lasts longer than the relationship, nine times out of ten. And then you have to see the person. Every. Day.

    That is probably what she’s going through. It will never be the same. If she’s cold, it’s horrible because you work together. If she’s friendly she gives you false hope.

    My advice? The best way to win her back is to get another job.

    She’ll be all, “Wait. What?” and will have to proactively communicate with you and pursue you instead of this passive seeing you at the office so she doesn’t have to do any work dynamic.

    And if it’s truly over, this way it will be over.

    Best,

    Inky

    February 14, 2019 at 5:01 am #280127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenneth:

    You dated a co worker for more than a year, it was your first relationship. You broke up  Oct 2018 and later, you tried to resume the relationship by “sending her gifts to apologize” (apologize for what, you didn’t specify), and texting her a few times in the middle of the night. Later you wrote her a letter to apologize for your behavior and left her alone.

    You noticed that while in no contact, she liked some of your Instagram posts and that she wore a pair of earrings you bought her almost every day. You then initiated contact, texted her, but what followed was that she cleared some of the stuff you got her from her desk and stopped wearing those earrings and has been acting cold to you, giving off “a very resistant vibe”. What you experience with her at work is “just a casual smile but no communication”.

    You wrote that you don’t know if she hates you, is afraid of you, disgusted by you, doesn’t know what to  do, or is running away.

    You wrote that you “decided to move on and stop contacting her since 1st Feb”-

    Question: why did you break up Oct last year, was it her initiative to break up with you at that time and if so, did she tell you why she was breaking up with you?

    anita

    February 14, 2019 at 5:36 pm #280241
    Kenneth
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Some details

    I initiated some time off from each other as there were some friction between us during that period. It was due to I felt I was unfairly treated in-comparison to the other co-workers. One of the main cause was a co-worker which was very obviously chasing her, she rather take his ride back home than rather letting him know I was waiting for her. She even gave him the benefit of the doubt (which later she realised that I was right).

    After thinking things through during the time off, I felt that maybe it was unfair to her, as she might have felt peer-pressured to fit into the new department and didn’t want to offend anyone. So I decided to apologize to her and end the time off. She then texted me that during the time-off she thought things through and felt that she wanted her life to be simple and decided that we should just be normal friends. It was then I did some of the crazy ex stuff trying to get her out to explain and talk things though.

    It was then I realized that by doing all this stuff, it actually pushed her away further. That’s why I stopped and apologize to stop any further damage, and did no contact hopefully to let time remove some of the bad memories. But it seems like the damage has been done, cause nowadays the texting routine would be “I shares something / asked her something => she replies with a 1-liner => I tried to be friendly and continue the conversation => she reads it 2 days later without a reply”

    I feel that maybe I’ve done my part in trying to remove the awkwardness and that it’s time to for me to let the both of us go. Because I’ve finally understood that it takes two hands to clap, esp in relationships. I honestly don’t want to give up, as I feel that it’s not easy to find someone that I could connect with so easily since day 1. but I should start loving myself more and stop trying so hard for pple who don’t even respect the other party.

    And thanks Inky for the reply!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Kenneth.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Kenneth.
    February 15, 2019 at 8:13 am #280311
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kenneth:

    I understand better now. I agree with you: “it takes two hands to clap” and she doesn’t want to participate. Better let it go, otherwise there will be more awkwardness. And indeed, it is better to not get involved intimately with co workers. If I was you, I would give up on her completely, no reservations. Act with her toward her as no more than a co worker.

    anita

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