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Vent session: when your friends don’t care about you as much as you do them

HomeForumsRelationshipsVent session: when your friends don’t care about you as much as you do them

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  • #414839
    Maisy
    Participant
    I lost my cousin and close friend a year ago. It was the most devastating loss I’ve dealt with. I’ve been depressed for the last year and while I have my boyfriend and family’s support on this, it bothers me that my friends aren’t really there. I have two friends in particular that I confide in because our friendship has lasted over 20 years now and we’ve always been there for each other since day one, through the good and the bad. But in recent years, it seems they don’t care to hear about my problems anymore and only want to hang out so they can talk about themselves. 
    When I first reached out to them about my cousin, it was the typical “sorry for your loss” and “that sucks” comments, which is fine. I didn’t expect anything more. But when I tried to talk about it throughout the last year, it either becomes a competition over who is actually depressed and whose feelings matter more. One of those friends feels like no one can relate to him because he has it rough. His problems are always worse than yours and mine, but he doesn’t realize that we have more in common with him than he thinks. So anytime I try to talk about it with him, his comments tend to be “what do you have to be sad for? You have a boyfriend to actually love you. You have a house and we don’t. You make more money than us. You’re going to be fine and well off, but my world is crumbling and you can never understand or relate to that feeling.” The other friend is more self-centered and tries to use any conversation to turn it into being about her and her depression. Of course I rather her talk to me because I know how it feels to keep things bottled up, but it just hurts when no one seems to care about what I’m going through without them wanting to dismiss it and make it about them.
    Even though I haven’t been ok, I always try to check in with all my friends and make sure they’re ok and if they need to talk, etc. I noticed in the last several months, I’ve been the only one to initiate conversations. After Christmas though, I stopped reaching out and went MIA a little. Then finally someone recognized that and reached out. I let them know I’m not ok and didn’t even say anything. They left me on read. Then I check in to see how they are and suddenly they’re talkative again because it’s about them now and they need me to help/listen to them.
    I don’t get it. I truly don’t understand why some people aren’t really there for you when they claim to be your best friend and especially when you’re always there for them. I don’t do things for others just for reciprocation, but honestly, sometimes I wish some friends put in the same effort as me every once in a blue moon. I’m lucky to have my therapist, boyfriend, and family, but I could also really use my friends. I’m not sure what this post is supposed to accomplish. I don’t even think I’m looking for advice here. I just needed to get it off my chest because it bothers me sometimes and I guess I was hoping someone else can relate so we can talk about it here.
    #414840
    Maisy
    Participant

    I’m sorry for anyone who comes across this post… I typed it up in a different file before pasting it here and now there’s all these coding errors showing up. Feel free to delete and I can try again.

    #414841
    Maisy
    Participant

    See below for corrected post without all the errors:

    I lost my cousin and close friend a year ago. It was the most devastating loss I’ve dealt with. I’ve been depressed for the last year and while I have my boyfriend and family’s support on this, it bothers me that my friends aren’t really there. I have two friends in particular that I confide in because our friendship has lasted over 20 years now and we’ve always been there for each other since day one. They know the most about me and I them, but when it comes to expressing our feelings, it’s hard not to notice how different we’ve become in recent years.

    When I first reached out to them about my cousin, it was the typical “sorry for your loss” and “that sucks” comments, which is fine. I didn’t expect anything more. But when I tried to talk about it throughout the last year, it either becomes a competition over who is actually depressed and whose feelings matter more. One of those friends feels like no one can relate to him because he has it rough. His problems are always worse than yours and mine, but he doesn’t realize that we have more in common with him than he thinks. So anytime I try to talk about it with him, his comments tend to be “what do you have to be sad for? You have a boyfriend to actually love you. You have a house and we don’t. You make more money than us. You’re going to be fine and well off, but my world is crumbling and you can never understand or relate to that feeling.” The other friend is more self-centered and tries to use any conversation to turn it into being about her and her depression. Of course I rather her talk to me because I know how it feels to keep things bottled up, but it just hurts when no one seems to care about what I’m going through without them wanting to dismiss it and make it about them.

    Even though I haven’t been ok, I always try to check in with all my friends and make sure they’re ok and if they need to talk, etc. I noticed in the last several months, I’ve been the only one to initiate conversations. After Christmas though, I stopped reaching out and went MIA a little. Then finally someone recognized that and reached out. I let them know I’m not ok and didn’t even say anything. They left me on read. Then I check in to see how they are and suddenly they’re talkative again because it’s about them now and they need me to help/listen to them.

    I don’t get it. I truly don’t understand why some people aren’t really there for you when they claim to be your best friend and especially when you’re always there for them. I don’t do things for others just for reciprocation, but honestly, sometimes I wish some friends put in the same effort as me every once in a blue moon. I’m lucky to have my therapist, boyfriend, and family, but I could also really use my friends. I’m not sure what this post is supposed to accomplish. I don’t even think I’m looking for advice here. I just needed to get it off my chest because it bothers me sometimes and I guess I was hoping someone else can relate so we can talk about it here.

    #414881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maisy:

    First, I am sorry for your loss of your cousin and close friend a year ago.

    Second, when I read about your two friends not being supportive of you in regard to your losses, I thought that maybe, like most people, they have difficulties dealing with the topic of death and therefore, they avoid the topic. But then, I read your quotes of the comments your male friend made to you:  “What do you have to be sad for? You have a boyfriend to actually love you. You have a house and we don’t. You make more money than us”, etc., and thought to myself: wow! That’s very self-centered and insensitive.

    And then, when I read what you shared about your female friend: “The other friend is more self-centered“- I thought to myself: MORE self-centered? That has to be a lot of self-centeredness.

    I’m lucky to have my therapist, boyfriend, and family, but I could also really use my friends. I’m not sure what this post is supposed to accomplish. I don’t even think I’m looking for advice here. I just needed to get it off my chest because it bothers me sometimes “- I am glad that you do have supportive people in your life and I hope that you meet new friends who are not as self-centered as the two you vented about. And, you are welcome to vent and get things off your chest anytime, here on your thread

    and I guess I was hoping someone else can relate so we can talk about it here“- yes, I do relate to self-centered behavior: my own, in some respects, and other people’s. I want to take care of myself and be assertive when I need to be, and I want to be fair and kind to other people, both.

    anita

    #414932
    Freesia
    Participant

    Yes, I can relate. In my own life, I have begun the process of distancing myself from people like this. It’ll just continue hurting your heart otherwise and the relationship between you is not a reflection of health for both parties involved. As an adult, it can be hard to seek out friends again but I think it’s worth it. And pay attention to those who gravitate towards you easily and genuinely. I used to think that those who looked up to me or really liked me were not seeing the real me as I had low self-esteem. I thought something might be “wrong” with their view of the world. I’ve since changed.

    Seek out those with similar values. Maybe volunteer somewhere where you will find the caring tribe you’ve always wanted. Finding one or two special friends is worth it. I know what it’s like to just vent also, and not expect any real solution. I definitely hope solutions come to mind though for you eventually.

    #414939
    EvFran
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I have a similar issue and don’t know what to do. People simply disappear from my life, without any apparent reason. I travel a lot, so I never stay long at one place, but I check on everybody, ask how they are, what’s going on in there lifes. I am genuinely interested in them and want to maintain the contact. Often it takes weeks until I get an answer. Last time I asked a very old friend who hadn’t written for a year -in spite of the fact that I lost my partner in a sudden accident and I was alone in abroad in COVID lockdown – and answered my messages with long delays, if he was ok. He said yes, he just doesn’t have anything to say, he works and it’s winter and I travel. nothing to say, nothing to ask about my life either. but it doesn’t mean that we cut ties. I am so confused and shocked because it has been happening for years.even very close friends stopped writing back without any explanation.i was asking them what went wrong, did I say or do something but no answer.i’ve been also experiencing lately that people promise things and don’t follow up on their promises.for me it’s an absolute non respect and I have difficulties to understand why they say something if they cannot do it.so I am just wondering what I am doing wrong, why people cannot connect, why they never ask how I am doing. What can I do? I really appreciate them and for me the physical distance doesn’t mean that I cannot connect with them. It’s so easy with Skype, mail etc. But more tools we have, people seem to communicate less…?? Thanks for your thoughts about it or your advice on how to treat this painful situation.

    #414942
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear EvFran:

    I hope that that Maisy, the original poster, replies to you here, on her thread. If you would like my/ other members’ replies, please start your own thread by going to FORUMS at the top of the page, scrolling down to ALL FORUMS, then choose a Category, and scroll down to the bottom of the page. You can copy your above post and paste it there. I am looking forward to communicate with you further.

    anita

    #414945
    EvFran
    Participant

    Thanks for your prompt answer, Anita. I have just posted my question again in All forums.

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