Hi All,
New to the forum.
I met someone I am very interested in through a spiritual community in which we are involved. Initially, it was a purely carnal attraction. However, after some time, I realized our connection was very special. Very deep conversations which expounded without pause. Talking about everything from the meaning of life to society, etc. At that time, I was in a relationship with another guy whom I broke it off with (due to other circumstances regarding the lack of viability of the relationship). Following the break up, I continued to communicate frequently with my interest who lives in a city about two hours from me.
I waited some time after the break up and invited him down for a weekend visit. In the interim, we had continued to have long, deep phone conversations and regular communication through text and email. When he came down, our conversation was non-stop, my soul was smiling. I decided I had to make my interests known. Unfortunately, I dont drink, so there was no way to take the edge off. While we were sitting up late on the night of his arrival, I decided to lean in and kiss him. He didnt pull away and returned the kiss. We were soon horizontal. He paused and said that we could make out but he wasnt ready for anything serious. I said, that’s fine, I am not ready for anything serious right now either, but I am into you and we have an undeniable connection — to which he agreed. I tried to take the make out session a bit further, and he stopped me, telling me we had to go slow. That night, we slept in each other’s arms.
Throughout the rest of the weekend, I tried not to act too much like a boyfriend or be overly “lovey-dovey.” However, I began to have some anxiety based on past relationships–I have been down the road before where someone doesnt want to face the awkwardness of telling you no, so they acquiesce until they’re gone and then tell you it isnt working. So we talked more about what going slow meant. He told me he couldnt be in a relationship right now because of his immenent unemployment. My ego was crushed. I felt angry, hurt, but I reminded myself these feelings were just an illusion. The more we talked, the more he told me about how guarded he is and how he has an extended screening process with people as a result of past hurt and we needed to become friends before we could be lovers. When I told him I hated the sound of that, he fired back — don’t you want to be in love with your best friend? It made sense. I got it. He left and told me he was sure we would see each other again soon.
The communication continued and now I am going to see him at his place. This to me is exciting because he already told me how he doesnt like to bring people over due to his gossipy room mates. I am excited to go, but struggling with letting go of controlling outcomes and manipulating situations.
I guess I dont know how to behave when I get there. Do I give him a kiss? Do I talk about future dates for us to see each other? Do I not even attempt to be physical? I know coming on too strong turns this guy off. I just enjoy our time together so much, which I am pretty sure is mutual.
The second part of the question is: is the screening period part of the process or am I wasting my time here and setting myself up for failure? I am at a place in my life where I want to build a lasting relationship that is built on a spiritual foundation. Unfortunately, this guy is not some who just has the qualities on my list but actually a person with whom I feel a strong and intense connection like I have not experienced in prior relationships. So do I wait? Will he ever be ready? Or do I just gracefully and privately (and painfully) move on?