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This topic contains 47 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Mick 2 months ago.

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  • #298409

    Mick
    Participant

    I was reading an article talking about walking away and curiosity struck me.

    Why do people walk away?

    Walking away from whatever they previously love or enjoy doesn’t hurt?

    If it does hurt, why walk away?

    #298419

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    I am glad you started this new thread because I don’t want to post to you on your other thread where you are having an excellent conversation with another member. I don’t want to interrupt that dialogue, so I will post to you here.

    I will answer your question “Why do people walk away?” in regard to the woman you are interested in as a romantic partner, the one you work with.

    – Because I believe you lack the interpersonal skills required to communicate effectively with her. Therefore you are confused, you don’t know what to say, what to do etc.

    You can learn these skills and then, life will be easier for you.

    anita

    #298443

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Even though I am having an excellent dialogue with another member but I don’t mind having more views and opinions 🙂

    Does walking away has the same meaning as not facing the problem and thus running away from it?

    Because the girl that I got a crush on, often she tells me that she is best at walking away

    #298447

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    Yes, I just think it is better to have one dialogue in one thread and a second dialogue in a second thread, it is simpler and more effective this way.

    Regarding walking away vs facing the problems:

    There are times when it is wiser to walk away and there are other times, other circumstances where it is better to face the problems.

    Here is one way of knowing when is the right time or circumstance to do this or that:

    when you want to face the problems with another person, like the woman you work with and are interested in romantically, ask yourself:

    – is what you consider a problem, does she consider it a problem as well? (Did the two of you identify a particular thing to be a problem?)

    – is she interested in talking about the identified problem with you? You can’t solve a problem that you have in a context of a relationship (of any kind) without the other person cooperating with you on solving that problem.

    anita

    #298451

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    What if I am the only one thinking it as a problem and she isn’t? It will result that I am the one overthinking about it. Because after I told her that I got a crush on her previously and as of now, the feelings isn’t strong, she never brings up the topic at all.

    Before we clear the air about the misunderstanding that we had, she almost want to walk away from me. I told her that I am heartbroken if she does that and she will persistent in it at first. But after clearing the air, I ask her why did she said everything si fine when it isn’t? She said that she chose to take in all the blame for herself. She said she is tired of pleasing everyone but from my perspective, it is more of she doesn’t want to face the issues or to care about people whom care for her

    I am thinking either she doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to face it or it doesn’t bother her much at all.

    I feel that my crush for her is reigniting and if only I can forget about all these.

    #298461

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    “she almost want to walk away from me. I told her that I am heartbroken if she does that”-

    I can’t follow the communication between the two of you from reading your posts so far. Therefore, if you want, type a conversation you had with her which included you telling her that you are heartbroken.

    Type it for me, word for word, what you said and what she said. No commentary, no interpretations regarding what she meant and what you meant, just the conversation, in this format:

    JHK: “…..

    Woman: “…

    JHK: “…

    and so forth. I figure you probably don’t remember the conversation word for word, that is okay, write it best you remember it.

    anita

    #298467

    Mick
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The conversations are as follow

    Woman: I don’t want to disappoint your further so I am staying away

    Me: No, I don’t want you to stay away neither do I want to stay away from you

    Woman: That’s not for you to decide

    Me: We are in this together and it is not for you to decide

    Woman: You don’t get to decide that

    Me: I will be heartbroken if you do this

    Woman: Ok

    This was a text conversation before we clear the air about our misunderstanding

     

    #298471

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    This conversation is word for word then, you have it saves on your phone?

    If so, do you have the record of the next text conversation where you cleared the air? If you do, will you post that one as well?

    anita

    #298475

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Before we clear the air, the misunderstanding was in text messages

    But we clear the air when we were at work, where no one was around. But my mistake was I brought up her ex to show her that what she did to her ex was similar to what she did to me which I shouldn’t have

    Actually I do feel that I am very tense about her. Even though I don’t have strong feelings for her, but the feelings was there. It is very difficult for me to change my heart for her

    #298485

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    Let’s look at this part of the conversation then:

    “Me: No, I don’t want you to stay away neither do I want to stay away from you.

    Woman: That’s not for you to decide.

    Me: We are in this together and it is not for you to decide

    Woman: You don’t get to decide that”.

    My question for you today is: do you think that she should not stay away from you unless you agree to it, that is, that her decision to stay away from you must require your approval?

    Please answer with a yes or a no, and explain a bit after the yes or no.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #298487

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Yes to an extent.

    Because she feels that she is for blame and even though what I said to her have hurt her,  she still chose to take everything in for herself

    #298495

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    You do indeed overthink. You overthink what … she thinks and feels so much so, that you don’t “hear” what she tells you.

    It is not possible for you to read her mind and figure out what is going on in her brain. Neither is it your job or responsibility to try this impossible task. All you have to do is listen to what she tells you (or texts you).

    And what is it that she texted you:

    She texted you the following: “I am staying away…. That’s not for you to decide… You don’t get to decide that”. So what you do after reading this, is you stay away from her because that is what she wants and because she is correct, she gets to decide that.

    Here is another point: she texted you: “I don’t want  to disappoint you further so I am staying away”, a few lines later, you texted her: “I will be heartbroken if you do this”, and she texted “Ok”-

    – you have been trying to make her feel bad, trying to make her feel guilty, responsible for your feelings while in reality she is not responsible for your feelings. It is not her job to fix your broken heart, even if it was possible for her to do so. Trying to motivate a person to be close to you by making them feel guilty is an unkind, unloving thing to do.

    anita

     

    #298503

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Because I am trying to save whatever it is that we had. I know that it is her decision to do what she wants but I am trying to salvage what we had. I felt that the misunderstandings isn’t worth for her to stay away. I am too anxious about it. Actually after clearing the air, I told her that I am very annoying because I feel that sending the same thing over again and she said she might have actually block me if I were to send it again. I just feel that things have been rough for both of us. I even have doubt whether I am worthy to deserve her. Am I wrong to say that it will take time to repair what is damage between us?

    Somehow I feel that I am the one that is damaging what it is between me and her

    Anyway, this morning, she asked my colleagues whether if they have watch a blockbuster movie except for asking me. I am trying not to think too much but I don’t know why she didn’t ask me when I was present with the rest

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mick.
    #298507

    Mick
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Adding to the point

    Because I know that she didn’t want to do what she said, that’s why I am trying to salvage whatever we have

    Will she ever have feelings for me after what had

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mick.
    #298533

    anita
    Participant

    Dear JHK:

    “Am I wrong to say that it will take time to repair what is damaged between us?”- you will not be wrong if you state this: it will take time to repair what is damaged between us if I am willing and able to correct some of my behaviors and if she is willing and able to give me a chance and if the two of us are willing and able to do what is needed to develop a healthy, loving relationship together.

    “Somehow I feel that I am the one that is damaging what is between me and her”- from the short texting exchange you shared here, yes, you were the damaging one because you didn’t listen to her, you didn’t respect her right to choose for herself, and you tried to make her feel guilty for no wrongdoing on her part.

    “this morning, she asked my colleagues.. watch a blockbuster movie except for asking me… I don’t know why she didn’t ask me when I was present with the rest”- maybe because you didn’t listen to her, didn’t respect her right to make her own choices, and tried to make her feel guilty for no wrongdoing on her part.

    It is probably a good idea for you to not overthink matters that are not relevant, and instead, do think about what is relevant. What is relevant is that people (including women you are interested in romantically) like to be listened to and respected and no one likes to be made to feel guilty for no wrongdoing on their part.

    Think about this (the italicized), will you?

    anita

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