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June 11, 2019 at 2:10 pm #298565
AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
I didn’t tell her about that, maybe I should just let time heal us even though we are still interacting with each other.
When we clear the air, I did apologise to her that I shouldn’t have expected too much and made you take the blame. I should apologise for not thinking for you.
The movies is an isolated incident.
I used to listen to her but because I care too much, I didn’t listen to her and everything revolves around me. I have been too tense up, I feel that I didn’t give her enough respect
I kinda of feel that I scrutinise my chance to be with her
June 11, 2019 at 3:04 pm #298567AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
Maybe you will not be with her, but you were interested in a woman before her and you will be interested in a different woman in the future, a woman you probably didn’t meet yet. But when you do meet a new woman, use what you learn from this experience so to increase the chance that you will have a healthy, loving relationship with that woman, the one you didn’t meet yet.
Sometimes it is right to “Walk away”, just like the title of your thread says.
Walk away, rest and learn, and then, walk toward love.
* I will be away from the computer for a few hours.
anita
June 11, 2019 at 5:48 pm #298577AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
I did scrutinise my chance to be with her isn’t it? There’s no way I can turn it around?
I never meet a girl like her before, the feeling that she gave me, but perhaps I did it overboard, I cared too much, I should have given more respect that she deserves. My overthinking has scrutinise what it is. I wish that I didn’t had develop feelings for her, things won’t be as bad as it seems. We could have been good friends, maybe even better friends if things didn’t get out of hand because of me
I do treasure the friendship a lot, I even plan to have her as a longtime friends, a friend that even season doesn’t change
June 11, 2019 at 5:56 pm #298581AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
To add on the points
Am I having all these overthinking thoughts because I am insecure around her?
June 11, 2019 at 6:05 pm #298583AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
I need to read your recent posts (and anything you may add to it) and reply when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now. For now, it may be helpful if you re-read our communication on this thread so far when you are calm. We think best when we are calm.
anita
June 12, 2019 at 5:42 am #298603AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
“Am I having all these overthinking thoughts because I am insecure around her?”- of course you are insecure around her, that is obvious to me. You are afraid, fear is in this “insecurity”. You want her to like you, you want her to be your girlfriend and you are afraid that she will not want to be your girlfriend.
So, what did you do, scared and wanting her to be your girlfriend?
– You pushed her and you tried to make her feel bad for you, to make her feel guilty for breaking your heart.
You wrote: “I cared too much, I should have given more respect that she deserves”- I will correct your sentence, make it more accurate: I was much afraid, so I didn’t give her the respect (and alone time) that she deserves.
You wrote elsewhere: “I told her recently, I am being pushy because I care”- I will correct this sentence as well: I am being pushy because I am afraid.
Fear is not the same as love. Fear leads us (if we are not careful) to do things that harm the one we supposedly love. So when we disrespect, push and make-to-feel guilty another person, we don’t love that person in practice. Only in theory.
I can’t tell you the future, but I hope that you no longer disrespect, push and try to make her feel guilty as a result of your fear (or anger), and instead treat her respectfully and do not blame her for how you feel.
Don’t tell anyone, a woman you are interested in, and most importantly, don’t ever tell a child anything like: if you don’t do this, you will break my heart, or if you don’t do that, I will be so sad and it will be your fault.
Don’t do that. If it was done to you, you know how that feels, do you?
(if you answer me, please do not ignore my line right above, ending with the question mark)
anita
June 12, 2019 at 6:03 am #298611AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
It is that I am having doubts that so much had happened and it has scrutinise my chances, I feel that I am not worthy to deserve her.
To answer the last question, I feel that I care too much that my thinking had become irrational that I am overthinking that leads to me becoming very clingy.
We were having a text conversation and I use the chance to tell her that I should have given you more space and respect like how I did in the past.
I didn’t want her to feel blame or guilty for what it is but my actions and words has leads to what it is. I need to think it over, during our talk to clear things out, I admitted to her that I am expecting too much and you have to take the blame which I am very sorry for. She forgives me but it takes time to repair what has been damage. Both of us clear things out face to face, she gave me a chance to clear it last week. She almost cry. It breaks me when I see how hurt she is and what I have done wrong to her. At first, she hurt me but I was so angry that it became me hurting her. It shouldn’t be this way.
I should be more positive towards her and not negative. I need to watch my attitude on how I treat her.
I shouldn’t have tell her that but I thought maybe I should tell her the truth about how I feel. Because things shouldn’t be in this way, matter escalated because of me. I am too anxious in trying to salvage what it is and it leads to me neglecting her personal space, feelings and respect.
I do know how it feels. It caught me by surprise when she says she want to stay away and my thinking was irrational. I feel that I am very childish. Even though we clear the air, it is going to take time to repair the damage.
June 12, 2019 at 6:39 am #298617AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
I hope the damage can be repaired. People often do that, repair damage. Notice I focused on what you did wrong because of that text conversation you posted. But she may have been herself insensitive and has damaged the relationship with you as well.
Reads to me that you are on the right track, that you apologized to her for your part of what you referred to as the damage in the relationship, you understand that your clinginess is a problem, fueled by what you refer to as insecurity, and what I think of as anxiety, that is, ongoing fear.
You can tell her how you truly feel, including your fear, in a dignified way, meaning there is nothing wrong with a man telling a woman: I am anxious, scared that you don’t like me, but this is my issue, my problem. I will not invade your alone time, your personal space because I am anxious.
If she is a good woman, she will naturally want to help you herself, she may suggest something like: well, I will have my alone time, but I can make time for you at lunch time or at this other time, every day or every other day (whatever it may be), meaning she may offer you herself more time with you because she will no longer feel pushed or made to feel guilty!
anita
June 12, 2019 at 6:57 am #298627AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
I don’t know what is on her side but when we clear the air, she told me that action speaks louder than words and she should have been there when I needed her.
I got too much emotions and feelings to handle with. Because I realised what is my wrongdoing and I put away my ego, humble myself down and apologise after realising what I did was wrong.
I did tell her about it, saying that I shouldn’t be pushy and should have given you more respect and space. I can be with her, text her but I shouldn’t be so pushy about her personal stuff if she doesn’t want to say it or she isn’t prepare to. I admit that I got ongoing fear. The fear of hurting what it is between us.
I don’t know if this counts but she does approach me at times to start a conversation. But I feel that I should watch my tone when I speak to her, it kinda of feel very hostile even though I didn’t mean to.
I have this very bad attribute in me, when I feel that I did something wrong, I will feel very bad about it and keep apologising for it.
June 12, 2019 at 7:12 am #298633AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
Better not “keep apologizing”, once is good enough.
“I admit that I got ongoing fear”- it is not a wrongdoing, to feel fear, or feel.. anything, including the anger you sometimes feel at her (“I kinda of feel very hostile even though I didn’t mean to”). She feels fear too, and anger. We all do and none of us is guilty for feeling whatever it is that we feel. Feeling just happen, we don’t choose our feelings.
And most people are anxious, have this ongoing fear. You are not alone. She is probably anxious as well. Maybe her way to calm down is to have her alone time while you did the opposite- get into her space when you were anxious (not anymore, I understand).
I wrote to you in my last post: “You can tell her how you truly feel, including your fear, in a dignified way”- a dignified way is not apologizing repeatedly. One honest and complete apology (stating what you did wrong, that you regret that you did it and intend to not do that again) is enough.
Dignified means you don’t present yourself to her as if you were unworthy of her (even if you feel like that), but instead keep your voice strong and confident, your face and body expressions confident enough. Tell her how you feel but keep your emotional expressions under some control so to not overwhelm her.
An example: you can tell her that you feel sad, and let your face appear sad, but don’t go on and on about how sad you feel and cry and so forth.
anita
June 12, 2019 at 12:06 pm #298701AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
Before clearing the air, I did send text message to her saying I am sorry and also to tell her not to blame herself for what had happened. But I know that I have to talk to her face to face to clarify the misunderstanding that we had.
From this, I have learn to show more respect to her space. I cherish her a lot and I should have show her respect instead of being so invasive. That’s what I did when I clear the air with her, I told her how I feel about the incident and I asked for her forgiveness. I even make a promise to her, she is the first person ever that I make a promise to her. She is very important to me. Sometimes I do have doubts in her, but I shouldn’t let my doubts cloud my judgement and trust about her.
That’s why I wanted to face and talk to her which we manage to do.
I feel that I have to be sincere about it and I shouldn’t have put the blame on her. I am very selfish to do so. Since the matter is closed, If she was to bring up the matter again, I will tell her how I feel about it.
June 12, 2019 at 1:48 pm #298723AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
What you wrote reads reasonable to me, sensible and responsible. I hope it works out well, the relationship with her, be it friendship or possibly, romantic.
anita
June 13, 2019 at 6:50 am #298825AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
Even though we are friends, I do not know what are the chances of developing romantic relationship with her.
After what I have been through, I got enlightenment that everyone is imperfect, there are good and bad attributes in everyone. But it is how we judge and gauge a person, the amount of empathy that we have for a person.
I am glad that she is able to tolerate me and I am surprised that I am able to tolerate her too.
June 13, 2019 at 8:10 am #298871AnonymousGuestDear JHK:
“I am surprised that I am able to tolerate her too”- you mean that you are now more okay than before with her not behaving exactly the way you wished she would, not feeling exactly what you feel, when you feel it?
anita
June 13, 2019 at 8:18 am #298875AnonymousInactiveHello Anita
To an extent. But tolerating her is towards her bad attributes.
Because she did told me and thank me for being able to tolerate and put up with her despite how she treat me at times.
Because she told me she pushed me away a few times before in the past even though I couldn’t figure out why did she do that
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