It is so nice to hear all your stories and know that I can relate. It hits close to home for me as it is something I am currently struggling with. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. In the beginning, I was young and naive and went against my intuition. I saw the red flags and knew deep down that this was not the man for me. Now, I am 27, have essentially thrown away my twenties for this man, and and struggling with a relationship that is unfufilling to me. What makes it so difficult is the fact that he is a wonderful person who has the sweetest and kindest heart of anyone I have ever known. He loves me more than his own family, and he would never do anything to hurt me, I know this for fact. Yet here I am trying to figure out how to leave him without breaking his heart into pieces. I do think the reason that i have stayed this long is due to being comfortable, scared to change, and the dread of hurting him. He really is my best friend, he knows me and loves me like no one else. The problem is, we are just not right for each other. We want different things in life. He is now mid-thirties, living at home. He has no drive, no sense of purpose, no ambition. He doesn’t like change, he is not open minded, he is controlling and insecure. He wants different things than I want, and lately (like for the past couple of years) I find that I am simply not attracted to him anymore. I see him more as a dear friend or brother whom I love dearly with all of my heart… but not my romantic life partner. Despite all of this, I am still struggling to do what I feel in my heart is right.

I don’t know how to even begin. But the thought of staying another year makes me physically sick. I don’t want to hurt him, yet I know in the long run I am only hurting both of us by staying.

Praying for courage and wisdom, and seeking advice.

It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. You have spent a lot of time trying to make it work, and you are certainly not guilty of quitting on him nor do you have anything else to feel guilty about, do not let him make you feel that way. I am struggling with a similar situation right now with my boyfriend, and it is really hard. Every time I think I know what decision is right, I end up second guessing myself. I have been second guessing myself for years, and guess what? Seven years later nothing has changed. I am still unhappy and dissatisfied. The only difference is that now, I am seven years older and I have wasted most of my twenties. I advise you to really try and imagine what your future looks like, with him in the picture, and with him out of the picture. In which scenario are you happy? I advise you to really follow your heart and have no regrets. I know how hard it is from personal experience, but try not to second guess yourself. Three years turns into five, five turns into ten, and before you know it you have lost a huge chunk of your life and have nothing to show for it. Life is too short as it is, do not let fear hold you back from following your intuition. It will hurt temporarily, but it will be well worth it a few years down the road when you have found the love of your life and you are happy and at peace.

I have been following this post and girl, all i can say is: You rock! Life is way too short to not listen to your heart.

Let him grow up already! Maybe this will knock some sense into him. Its his life, he needs to take care of it. Dont let him manipulate you otherwise. You’ve made a good choice. It will feel very confusing and painful now but brave it out. This will indeed help you in the long-run.

T, I am so glad you have moved out and moved in with your Mum; my boyfriend says similar things to me when I try and split with him; he can’t believe that he isn’t everything I need; he doesn’t want to hear that we have cracks that are turning into huge chasms. He says he thinks the world of me, he loves me to bits, he can’t see his world without me, why can’t I just see all the good things between us, that he doesn’t worry about us like I worry about us.
I don’t think my time with him has been wasted. I think it has given me the experience to understand what I could have from a relationship which has turned into what I don’t want from a relationship too I know what I may like in a new relationship.
I’ve heard that the news from the hospital isn’t good but I’ve decided not to get anymore upset about this (his dad is a lovely guy) as it’s not my cross to bear and my mental health is much more important.
During the past family visits I would speak to his dad A) because he was a lovely guy and this is where my partner gets his good qualities from and B) so I could zone out from his Mum. She can’t stay quiet for longer than 5 minutes and I only talk when I am interested in the conversation or have something to add.
One thing our mutual friend did say which is so true is that we spend too much time together and we don’t go out separately. What this friend doesn’t truly realise is I have no friends & I have hardly any family contact. I’d love to be able to get out an about doing fun things but I have no-one to do it with. The first few days after we split in March I got internet access at home and I joined a local female friends website but fear got the better of me and I didn’t do anything else apart from join.
I’ll be hoping that you stick with your decision. One of the posts said something along the lines of are you just settling? I know I am and I think you would be, soon like you I will walk away and have o fear and have strong faith and determination for a greater future.

Dear SG
This will sound cruel but I am glad for your sake that he has called it a day. It sounds like he knew he couldn’t love you properly but when you were around he would take advantage of your love for him.
Being in love is addictive and takes away your notion of who you are and what you want. Us girls are brought up on fairy tale romances (Disney, rom-coms) and we all want the happy ever after. It sounds like you put a whole lot of feeling into a frog who would never turn into your prince.
Before this relationship happened, where & what did you want to do with your life? Can you try focusing on what matters to you.
He is not worthy of you holding love feelings for him, 5 years has shown you it’s not gonna work out (unless you want to accept mistreatment).
You are capable of a whole lot of loving and another guy will come along, but don’t rush in (this is how I got into my current possible ‘dead end’ relationship).
Those first 6 months to a year of a relationship make us blind to the potential relationship faults as we are enjoying sharing fun times, cuddles, flirtation.
I’ve just been diagnosed with severe depression and I so want to be out of my black hole but it takes time and learning to be kind to yourself. Replaying conversations and times together won’t help unless you are concreting the thought that he just didn’t love you enough. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but these things happen, 9 years I stayed with the last boyfriend, deep down knowing that I wouldn’t ever truly be happy as I never had any say, the final straw for me was when he wanted a Rottweiler dog and I didn’t (we lived together) because I’ allergic, I’d end up doing all the cleaning up (as he was lazy) and because I was a bit frightened of having a big dog around. He got the dog, I moved out, we saw each other a few times after that but after I’d just end up feeling disgusted with myself for allowing myself to carry on thinking that our love was going to conquer all the problems.
Today, I will write a list of all the things that make me happy, soaking in a bubble bath, being by the sea, painting, etc. Maybe you could try something similar.