I am no expert but the stress of ‘trying’ often seems to affect fertility. There are many stories of people who thought they were infertile, adopted, and then because they had loosened up about it conceived naturally. Some of your desire may be hormonal too rather than a true desire. Our bodies go a little crazy at this time (im also 35 and dont have kids yet!) and get that biological reaction that makes animal have mating seasons 🙂

Yes this is one of those “trying times”.

My advice would be focus on the love you have for your son and husband and don’t actively try and don’t actively not try. Instead of praying for another child, pray to be able to accept what ever happens and to have the best relationship with your husband and son and new baby if that is what happens.

As you have said it would be awful to have another child at the expense of your marriage, to have two children who you don’t see every other weekend, who have a whole separate life with their father (and potential new partner) that you aren’t part of. Or even worse to have that with your son because if this issue.

Once you make peace with your self you will be able to help your husband process his feelings.

I find that my relationships work best when I sort through my feelings separately so i know where I am and then I take myself out of the equation and don’t see the other person as ‘my’ something, who ‘should’ know/do/be anything. I try and think of them as a friend that you love deeply and want the best for and who is going through a hard time. In your husbands case with an emotional, unhappy wife, who is feeling inadequate and a bit lost as too how to help) and talk to him from that frame of mind. If you catch yourself saying anything that has a “should” in it apologize immediately! 🙂

Sending you lots of love and good wishes for what ever happens.

Dear meowtown:

It is not necessarily a good thing for your son to have siblings “to play with.” Often enough siblings compete, one bullies the other, one imagines the other is the favorite. And an only child can play with kids that are not siblings as parents of similar age children get together for play time, for the children.

I believe if one of a couple does not want to have a child, following discussions (respectful discussions, not fights) then the partner that wants a child should give it up.

If you expressed to your husband before you married him that you are not interested in children, and changed your mind after being married, then it is another reason to give up having (another) child.

Do you have siblings, in your family of origin? How did it work for you?

anita

Dear meowtown:

So what motivates you to have another child is so that your son will not be as lonely as you were as a child?

If so, it is possible that you were lonely as a child not because you didn’t have a sibling close enough in age), but because your parents did not adequately attend to you, play with you, read you stories, validate your feelings (as is “You look sad, meowtown. What happened?” And – following, ex.: “I feel sad because I lost my toy”- Yes, we feel sad when we lose something we care about.”) and so forth.

You may have a limited view of what made you lonely as a child, focusing on a sibling being five years older than you, while the reason for your loneliness is not it at all.

What do you think?

anita

Dear mepwtown:

You wrote that you wish someone would just tell you that other people had it worse. It is impossible to say so responsibly because the way you had it was the worst. It was the worst because of how you still suffer from that childhood where your mother was often questioning your actions as well as questioning – not believing- you were sexually harassed.What can be worst than that? How can a person be hurt more? The hurt of a child unloved, betrayed is very deep because the child is trusting. No one is more trusting and unprepated than a young child.

There is no emotional pain stronger than the pain of an innocent, trusting, loving child looking up to her parents and then betrayed like you have been.

I understand that you are afraid your son will experience the pain you have, and you are imagining that if your son will have a brother, then he will not experience the pain you experienced. But the two things are not connected, there is no connection in reality: a child can have a sibling close in age and suffer tremendously. A child can be an only child and not suffer.

For your child not to suffer, he needs a good mother: you. That is all. He needs at least one parent available, validating, attending, encouraging, affirming (not questioning). You can do it for your child.

You are suffering still and that pain is stirring you, emotions at times erupting to the surface like lava; at other times stirring under the surface.

I wish you could attend competent psychotherapy where you can emotionally heal from the hurt you still – understandably- carry in you.

Please focus, meowtown, on what needs to be done: your own healing, the healing of the relationship with your husband, and becoming a better and better mother to your one son.

What do you think/ feel about my post?

anita