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Wanting compassion from the person I love

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  • August 31, 2015 at 6:20 am #82616
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hello there , I just recently joined this website because I feel like I need to just talk to people and get some unbiased advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we are such a great match. The issue I have been having in the past several months though has been so tough for me because I am a very caring loving compassionate person so its hard for me to understand how someone can not be that way. He can be loving don’t get me wrong but sometimes he lacks that compassion I would want from my partner or just person in my life in general. We are also best friends so it hurts more that he has a hard time listening and giving me some empathy during my tough time. Granted I know men aren’t the best listeners but I do have many good guy friends who listen to me a lot better than he does. If i express any feeling to him he automatically just judges me telling me that how I feel is ridiculous when all I want is just for him to listen and not criticize me. I don’t know if its his lack of relationship experience or what but we both want to be future doctors so I would think that compassion towards his patients is equally there for his girlfriend that he says he loves so much. I am just stuck in a bad place because I do love him and want this to be a long term relationship but why do I need to tell him to listen or be compassionate towards me every time… isn’t that just part of being a good human being? I don’t know any advice is much appreciated. thanks guys

    August 31, 2015 at 8:25 am #82622
    jeena
    Participant

    Leave him for the simple fact that he said this to you “how I feel is ridiculous”. Your feelings matter. If they don’t matter to him, then he shouldn’t matter to you.

    August 31, 2015 at 8:29 am #82623
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear zengirl87:

    You wrote that you are “such a great match.” In some areas perhaps: both of you wanting to be medical doctors? Liking the same food, forms of entertainment? You know the answer. And you know that you are not such a great match in the EMPATHY area, that is, that he tells you that what you feel is ridiculous and therefore he is suggesting that you shouldn’t feel any which way that is not comfortable for you- and for him. Problem solved: you feel distress? Just don’t feel it.

    This attitude on his part, this constitution of his will make a very poor choice of a father to your children if you were to marry him and have children with him. Troubled children will be the result.

    The source of his empathy delinquency is deep in his childhood and not something you can heal or change in him. You can teach him, if he is willing to learn, to say something like” “I understand what you feel.” and (pretend to) listen with no commentary. Well you can figure out if he can manage this way, if it is satisfactory to you.

    Learn more about his emotional dynamics. How does he work? The words “I love you.” mean a million different things to a million different people, so better get the details so to shed some light into those words: what does it mean to him to love you?

    anita

    September 2, 2015 at 10:16 am #82729
    MinzziSF
    Participant

    Hi Zengirl87,

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds really difficult. I think there might be a few things to consider. As mentioned above, perhaps you are a “great match” in some areas and not in others. It sounds like the communications department perhaps needs some work? What is the communication between the two of you like? Do you feel comfortable bringing up difficult/challenging topics to him? A conversation about your feelings and values might be a good place to start. Before that, however, it might be fruitful to spend some time thinking about your values, feelings and needs. Who are you? What do you believe in? What do you want for the future and is your current partner a part of that? If he is, then an honest conversation about his lack of empathy and how it makes you feel might shed some light on what’s going on and if you can work this out together. If this sounds like too much to do on your own, would either individual or couples counseling be an option? As a psychotherapist-in-training I’d like to share that this is not an uncommon experience and that there definitely are ways to work through your problems/concerns if that’s what you’re looking to do. It sounds like you care deeply for him and I hope things work out for you.

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