Hi Elfie!

I believe that we all need to aquire certain things during our growth as humans. Whether that’s according to Maslow or the Chakras or some other theory on developmental stages. I believe that one of the things we need is the feeling of being an autonomous individual and have control over ourselves. I think that many people equate freedom and independece with travel and meeting new people, and travel may give a sense of freedom for a while just like food can give comfort for a moment. I’m not trying to tell you that you shouldn’t travel 🙂 Just that it’s more important to listen to that need and that there are other ways to provide for that need. You can live in a small town and feel free and independent. You don’t have to, but you can.

I have a history of codependence and lack of boundaries, and because of that, a low tolerance for people who try to tell me what to do or what to be. The small child in me starts to scream in panic and lashes back. I love to help people and I even have a tendency for self-sacrifice, but when I notice that it’s no longer happening on my terms, I feel like I’m losing myself and I get very anxious. To prevent this, I need to cultivate my boundaries and the feeling that within those boundaries, I am in charge and in control and nobody else. It is my autonomous territory and nobody else is allowed to occupy it. I am free to think and feel what ever I want. Knowing that and treasuring that alleviates my anxiety greatly.

I have traveled a lot and lived abroad and have been a bit of a rebel. Those things did not give me the peace I desired. Don’t get me wrong. I still love to travel, but I’m not expecting it to provide for my fundamental need for personal freedom. I could be a prisoner and still feel free. What you want will be found from within you, not from outside sources.

So my suggestion is that you start to gently cultivate those boundaries. Take a moment to reflect on your feelings when anything happens and then compassionately follow your own truth. Compassionately and slowly and calmly. Find your center and imagine your boundaries. Focus on that area and be present in there. It takes practice and since we are talking about such abstract matters, it’s hard to give truly practical advice.

When you have your autonomy and your freedom, what you really want might be something different. Or perhaps it’s exactly what it is now. Whether or not you are a person who wants to travel or a person who wants to get married and have children early on is a separate issue from having a feeling of control over yourself and a feeling of personal freedom. You will have a better grasp of who you are when you occupy your own space and keep healthy boundaries. Just don’t let your fear or anxiety to make the decisions on what you should do, because that’s no different from allowing another person to decide for you. You can feel free regardless of what you end up deciding to do.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by The Ruminant.