Was it me? Will he regret losing me?

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by christine.

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January 14, 2015 at 12:40 am #71287

preciousstone
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Hi All. I apologize in advance for the lengthy overview…
3 years ago, wen he was 21 and i was 24, he and I met on social media and neither of us wanted serious. but after 2 months i developed feelings. it was around the time his mom passed and he said he wasn’t ready. so i walked away like a mature woman. he immediately got in a rship with his ex but after 3 months we got in contact again. he broke up with her and we began seeing each other. He was on the east coast I was on west coast–he was finishing his last year of college and i was starting my first year law school. for 9 months we visited each other but nothing serious because he still wasn’t ready. Finally after 9 months he started calling me his gf. 4 months later (his 1st yr law school. my 2nd yr–still bicoastal) i found out i was pregnant, he convinced me to abort saying he’d grow to hate me if i ruined his life. he bailed emotionally and i fell into a bout of depression where we argued nonstop because i was so afraid he’d abandon me and that because he came from money and i didn’t that i wasn’t good enough. new years 2014 i went through his phone found out he’d been texting over 10 women inappropriately (plans to have 1 visit and bought another a Xmas gift) but he said he hadn’t done anything sexual. I stayed but days later he ended things saying he wasn’t ready for a rship. 2 months later we were talking again (still not a rship) but i was getting anonymous naked pictures of him from someone explaining he was a cheater. i brought it up to him and he admitted he’d cheated during our rship because we were arguing so much.he begged me not to leave him and to prove he loved me we were a couple again (now in a rship). Afterward, i struggled to trust him so even though he was always accountable for his whereabouts, i questioned him–we argued a lot. 5 months later, we’re on vacation and i receive msgs from a well-known promiscuous woman in his town showing he’d been cheating with her for the past month. I packed to leave the vacation and he didn’t stop me, instead i made him talk through it. He said he had been unhappy because for months i wouldn’t trust him no matter what he would do… i decided not to break up but when i flew home at the end of the vacation i felt i made a mistake so i broke up with him. then i was afraid i made a mistake breaking up so i tried getting us back but he said we could never be as long as we were LDR–and that maybe in 2 years when he graduated we could try again–that he would move to where i live. after 3 months we got back on good terms and i mentioned i might move back “home” after graduating–which is where he’s been living for school. he admitted it was better than waiting 2 years so i began the process to move (changing all of my applications to move across country). Every day we talked about our new lives FINALLY in the same city and we would move in together. After 7 weeks of planning, i found out he’d been talking to women inappropriately and confronted him. He made me feel crazy. that what i saw wasn’t really him being a player and that i shouldn’t move and i was the reason we weren’t going to work out. After hours of texting he finally admitted he had doubts because he wasn’t sure he would want a rship down the road. said he wouldn’t apologize for not being ready for a long term rship bc he’s “only 24” and “forever is a long time.” I’m hurt. I don’t understand why I wasn’t enough for him to commit? Will he regret letting me go? He called me his soulmate, his best friend, and that he loved me more than he ever thought he could love a woman that wasn’t his mother…Now i’m stuck changing my applications and trying to find a job in my own city. All the while heartbroken. Keep in mind he’s younger, this was LDR for 3 years, he lives home and his parents pay for everything, and he’s ALWAYS been a “player.”

January 14, 2015 at 4:48 am #71294
Maggie Black
Participant
He made me feel crazy.

That in itself is enough to let this go.
Who needs someone to MAKE us feel crazy?
The abortion… oh my this had to hurt. He bore absolutely NO responsibility for something you now have to live with all of your life.
He hasn’t shown anything near to love for you. He is an immature player to be sure.
Living with mama and daddy… ugh.
PLEASE RUN! Run as far away from him as possible emotionally and begin to get some healing for yourself beloved.

You are carrying hurts from this relationship and your body and spirit and emotions need time to heal and repair from it.
He as sucked life from you.
We can forgive him because surely, “He knows NOT what he is doing”. And forgiveness is needed for you to move on and get free from the ties that this relationship has brought you.

This relationship needs to be remembered on some level… so as not to ever fall into this again.

Be strong in yourself.
Love yourself.
Hold your head high.
Do some self care.
Do not get into another relationship until you can heal.

You need time to process this thing you have endured.
Learn to recognize this behavior in men for the future so you won’t ever be drawn into this again.
I wish you the best and pray for your healing and restoration.

I just realized I didn’t answer your question.
The fact you need to know the answer to this makes me realize you need the self care more than ever!

WHO CARES if he realizes he messed up? But NO, he probably won’t because this isn’t about you.
This is about him because all of it is about him.
He is a player and will most likely be for some time.
It is only about you in that you allowed him to treat you this way and that is why my entire post to you is trying to help you see this.
I cannot answer your question about WHY he did this to you.
I don’t think it has anything to do with you in your level of attractiveness.
You may want to look into the possibility that you are putting yourself out there as someone who has low self worth and therefore, players like him will use you.
I know this hurts to hear and maybe I am wrong.
But from what I read from your post it sounds very likely.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Maggie Black.
January 14, 2015 at 1:56 pm #71353

Yue
Participant

Based on what you said, it sounds like that everytime something happens, you are the one who has to adjust your life style to suit his needs. When you were pregnant, you had to have the abortion. When you found out that he was cheating, you were the one who ended up having to apologise and over look his ways even though you felt terrible on the inside. When you wanted a relationship while he is not ready to commit, you are the one who had to question why you are not enough for him. Now you have to change your application for work because of a decision he made and even after all that you have been through, he’s still not sure whether he wants to be in a relationship.

Is this how you would treat your soulmate?

So I agree with Maggie here is that you should get away as soon as possible as you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect. Even if you want to salvage the relationship with this person, he is too used to getting his way and it will probably be difficult to trust him due to past histories.

January 14, 2015 at 3:19 pm #71362

Maggie Black
Participant

Yue,
I like the way you listed the points on he actual things she had changed in her life for him. I am thinking maybe codependency is in play here. It’s true… it is always her that is making the adjustments.

January 14, 2015 at 3:32 pm #71364

Saz26
Participant

Davijj6

Was it you? Yes. In that you allowed him to manipulate you and break his promises and your heart again and again. But the cheating, manipulation, emotional cruelty, selfishness and immaturity was all his. I feel hugely for you, I’ve been there too. You wanted to believe, you loved him, you hoped he meant what he said. I hope that one day he regrets how he’s treated you, but that isn’t how you will heal. You will heal when you walk away (emotionally as well as physically) and eject him from your life and your head. You deserve so much better than this. He won’t ever change, certainly not with you. He may never really understand how much he hurt you, or care sufficiently. But you’ve learned an important lesson and if you ever meet anyone who begins to treat you like this, you’ll get out early and find somebody who appreciates you and is capable of behaving like a decent human being! I’m so sorry about the abortion, his lack of support and emotional blackmail was appalling, but at least it means you are not tied to having him your life. Never let him in again, not now, not in 5 years time!

Saz26 xx

January 18, 2015 at 3:14 pm #71545
Johanna Garcia
Participant
I totally feel for you and understand your pain. I went through something similar.

I know your self-esteem is crushed thinking that you just weren’t enough. But get those negative thought out of your head! Instead you need to realize that he wasn’t the right man for you. Why would you want someone who seems extremely selfish and only thinks of himself and what benefits him? What kind of life could you expect with someone like that? He’s showing you his true colors. You can’t change him no one can. People change only when they realize it on their own and truly want to change. Even then change is not easy. So don’t fool yourself. He didn’t change all those other times. What makes you think it would be any different next time around?

Sure, maybe one day he’ll realize grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Maybe it will hit him like a ton of bricks that he let a good woman go. However, you need not to concerned yourself with that. Focus on yourself and your own happiness that no one but yourself is responsible for. Focus on all the good things in your life and truly be grateful for all the opportunities ahead. I know its going to take time but you will heal. When the time is right don’t be afraid to be open to other opportunities. In time, you WILL find a great guy who will value you and see the special woman you are.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Johanna Garcia.
January 19, 2015 at 2:20 pm #71618

christine
Participant

I really get it too – this situation was so similar to my own.

I know it’s so hard and you think that you’ve already put in 5 years and endured so much long distance that there should be some payoff. That the plans you made and talked about the whole time should’ve meant something to him because they were literally what you had based everything on! That you’re afraid you won’t find anyone else and that if you really were so great, he would want to be with you.

But here’s the thing – being by yourself, being alone is BETTER than staying and continuing to ben over backward to make a relationship filled with lies, hurt, and betrayal work. You can and will be happier alone than you ever will be with him, constantly doubting his behavior and remembering all the hurt that he put you through. That will be absolutely toxic for you! It was absolutely NOT you, this guy has serious problems, insecurities, pathological lying behavior, and probably just a touch of sociopathy.

Maybe one day he will wisen up and realize that he let the best person he can ever hope to have go through his fingertips. Maybe he’ll be full of regret and want to be a better man. Either way though, it doesn’t matter. Let’s say he never regrets his behavior and just moves on to some other girl – well then, be thankful that he’s someone else’s problem now! Some other girl will be taken in and hurt by his deceit, lies, feeling-less behavior, and inability to form real relationships. At least she isn’t you – you’re so lucky to have gotten out now!
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