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was it right to break up

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • February 8, 2016 at 1:10 pm #95286
    Tee
    Participant

    Hello Everyone, I am a new member here and must say its truly amazing website! To my problem… I was with my boyfriend for over 6 years and we had amazing life must say, great lifestyle full of sport we love, support and total trust. We never argued and never faced any problem. It was very mellow and relaxing relationship to the extent that I named him Comfy pillow because with him there was no worries as he is super calm and non problematic person that instantly makes u feel safe. Last year we talked about our relationship as it was conctatnly the same with no imagined future together. I had many plans but he would just follow my dreams all the time with no input from his side, no plans no dreams… I was the one doing all the big decisions.. tried for full year to see what is gonna happen as we feel good together but maybe slipped into the comfy zone.. where it is just comfortable to be together but something feels like its not there… after christmas I moved out.. we are still in contact almost everyday a text or something… everytime I have problem he is there to help I miss the calmness we had and very lonely now as living in foreign country and most of it I was with him and his family… eveything is opposite down and still have to deal with the sport we had in common as we were ‘the couple of the sport’ in this country and not sure how that is gonna be now as I cant even look at my gear at the moment cus everything is different and just makes me sad… dealing with some massive outbreaks of sadness, loneliness and desperateness these days… but something was just missing there or was I just being a women cus we are notorious for never being happy? … we are very same but intellectually we are different that scares me the most but hence the calmness from his side… I do not know what I expect from here cus there is no magical fix to this but maybe there is somebody in same boat and just wanna let u know that you are not alone

    February 8, 2016 at 1:38 pm #95290
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tee:

    Glad you posted here! If there is there any input you need about your post, please let me/ us know!

    anita

    February 8, 2016 at 1:41 pm #95291
    Tee
    Participant

    any inputs more then welcome 😉

    February 8, 2016 at 1:55 pm #95294
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tee:

    Your long time ex (?) boyfriend, “comfy pillow”, a safe person, providing on his part a safe relationship- that is a wonderful, uniquely valuable thing: safety. You wrote that he was a follower, following your decisions, your plans, your dreams, not initiating his own. You liked the former, disliked the latter. You also wrote that intellectually you were different, and I don’t know what you meant by it…?

    You wrote that recently you are experiencing “some massive outbreaks of sadness, loneliness and desperateness”

    I can understand it: companionship and safety- what a comforting combination! We need it, people need it so very much. Children most need it. If I had to live my life all over again, I would … kill for that combination!

    But that is me. You can tell me more about being intellectually different, you and him and you can share, if you’d like, if you think it can be helpful, what kinds of decisions he did not want to make, what kinds of dreams you have and what kinds of dreams he … doesn’t have and you wished he had?

    anita

    February 8, 2016 at 2:23 pm #95298
    Tee
    Participant

    I just think or thought that there is more to relationship than just comfort… I would love share visions, plans and future but it was always only my ideas and my plans never got anything out of him even when I was complaining that he never tells me anything about what he feels what he wants to do , he only says he doesnt know and for me as a person with many plans is a bit sad and I do not want make all the decisions myself I would love input from him talk about our plans not just decide on one and thats the way it will be and he just goes with the flow easily .. it is too much pressure on ones shoulders.. I would say and many said too that I am very smart person with many interests but he is not that smart but he is more practical can fix and make many things too different ways of being smart if I put it this way..he could not deal with college or smart conversations if you know what I mean… and I know a lot of stuff I could not talk about in two way direction with him..

    The comfortness and safety of his company is something that I am afraid wont find that easly and that is why I am doubting my decision to break up even though we mutually agreed but again not much said from his side as usual ..

    We lived our crazy surfer kinda style life where you live day by day do not think much about the future just checking the right conditions to go about our sport and get enough money just to get by but have enough time to do our sport when conditions are right but as we are getting older I do not know if that has a future how long can people live day by day? with no plans?

    February 8, 2016 at 3:05 pm #95300
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tee:

    I see your point. And my own: indeed safety in a relationship is a must, having a partner who will shoulder the responsibilities for the future, who will initiate new moves for better income, better job, further education, maybe… that makes a lot of sense. I suppose the relationship with him was good for as long as living in the moment was good enough, but as you look into the future, a family, maybe, aging… living in the moment is not good enough!

    So you made the correct choice for you but there is a price for that choice: leaving behind the familiar companionship, safety and enduring the loneliness and sadness about the loss of him in your life. As you move into your future with a … future oriented, independent minded man, what choice do you have and what alternative to … enduring this pain?

    Keep posting here for support through this pain that needs to be endured, again and again, for as long as you’d like!

    anita

    February 9, 2016 at 11:19 am #95568
    Ana
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Have you discussed your points with him?

    I understand what you mentioned about “having plans” since I had the same challenge..I try to look at it as a sharing and discussion point in my relationship … needless to say each of us coming from different background and think differently and even though you have been together for 6 years your belief system and behaviour you have today rooted in childhood and more years of experience than that. It takes time for every two people from different worlds to get used to each other’s worlds. see for yourself if his good qualities, like making you feel safe, prevails the things you don’t see in him? and if he’s willing to improve and obtain the qualities you wish for?

    Just to share my personal thought on “if it was right to break up”: it is always precious to “build” a relationship…we learn from each other…going through challenges and differences in life opens up our horizons and helps to see the world from someone else’s eye.

    I hope the best you want, happens to you,
    Peace,

    Ana

    February 10, 2016 at 10:35 am #95687
    Tee
    Participant

    Hello Ana,
    Thank you for your reply. I really like the way he is, calm, nothing is a problem in his world because everything will be just fine and always tried his best to please me but that comes with prize as he is very relaxed about everything to the extent that we were always late for something (would not call it late as we peacefully rocked in late) things got pushed away that he totally forgot about them… It is understandable that I totally miss this kind of lifestyle right now where everything seems to be going wrong with my life but still not sure if I miss him and the feeling he gave me or the lifestyle as I do not like regular kinda life filled with worries, stresses and people rushing around…
    I think for both of us to understand what we want and what we did wrong and maybe work on ourself we need to be separated to realize what we had was actually great… but it could be too late by then who knows… it is difficult to know now because it is all big mess .. but we are still in contact everyday sharing what is happening in our lives not sure if that is right too as many people told me it is not good cus we did not let go but I do not wanna loose him fully..

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