Home→Forums→Relationships→We are breaking up, but both very much in love!?!
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Ashley Arcel.
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February 16, 2015 at 1:03 am #72811
Sunfl0wer
ParticipantThe man that I have been loving for 5 yrs is generally kind, good hearted, and fun to be around. However, he has been hurt by the woman he was married to for 12 years. It was clear to me early on that she had been emotionally abusive to him by the emails he has shared. Also, it is sad to me that he behaves like a person traumatized from that relationship and is constantly fearful of how she may punish him next.
We have been through so many difficult situations because of this. She has harassed us in the courts with false accusations for the past three years, and done so much to hurt us. It has consumed all of our resources both financially and emotionally.
I’m sorry to say that we have to leave one another because of this. It just doesn’t seem “fair” to me, to us, to part ways.
He was immersed in that toxic dynamic for so long, that he doesn’t see how twisted and unhealthy it is. He normalizes much of it and gets frustrated and stressed at me for not being more flexible to help him “avoid” her punishments by allowing her to control us. He becomes consumed by her perspective and looses his own.
His ignorance is hurting me and our relationship.
I wish he could just “wake up” and see what is obvious. I wish he could stand up for himself. I wish he could sort out his confused feelings and make sense of them. Instead he confuses me for “someone out to get him” or “someone against him.” Instead of setting boundaries with the person who is violating his, he gets rigid and controlling towards me and misinterprets my caring actions as attacks but he can’t even see the connection. Even little things confuse and agitate him now, like once I said I was so glad he made a yummy dinner loaded with healthy veggies. It was a genuine expression of gratitude. He freaked out slightly and reacted defensive saying he always cooks healthy. He was seriously hurt by me for “attacking” him. This kind of thing happens more and more now on both small and important matters. I feel he has PTSD and as he is facing it, he is being triggered. I am the one beside him so he equates all these scary, negative feelings with me.
He is not a bad man. He is hurt but lost and without insight into many things. I have been hurt too and I guess this is why I feel this is so “unfair.” I have been where he is in my own sense, not trusting, scared, on the defense. I understand him where I don’t think he understands himself.
So it hurts so badly to part lives.
I speak of fair. I am not really even sure what I mean. I guess it means that I need to find acceptance that things are not the way I wish?
We both love and want one another still. I have never had a relationship end when both people still deeply love and want one another.
What am I not understanding people? I feel I am missing some meaning here. Has anyone else had to break up with a person and you both were very much in love???
February 16, 2015 at 3:40 am #72812Niyata
ParticipantHi I can understand your problem very well since i was in similar situation as your guy. I will share what my boyfriend did to help me come out of it.
Before all that if you leave him he will become worse , you should at least help him as a friend if not as lover.
You should talk and express that you are not her and that the situation is nowhere similar to what had happened to him in the past.
He definitely needs lone time to think and come out of his past and realize that his acts are ruining the present.
each and every moment. Leave him alone for sometime and give him time to recover and if he still needs you he will come back for you
Meanwhile he can share his views with a psychiatrist or follow meditation to find inner peace. you can help him with that.February 16, 2015 at 5:19 am #72814Inky
ParticipantHi Sunflower,
Your BF is connected to the wife either because they are still legally married, they have a business/property together or they have children. If he isn’t connected to any of these things, then he is a weak person and do you really want that?
If you want to stay together, here is a solution:
Nothing creates distance like distance. Imagine living simply in Europe or across the country, with no forwarding email, social media, cell phone number or physical address. She will have no false claims against you or you will be gone so long the judge and lawyers will throw it out.
I had a friend who was going through something like this. An old business partner had a vendetta against her. Everything literally went away when the lady and then later my friend went abroad.
Think about it.
Inky
February 16, 2015 at 6:38 am #72819Sunfl0wer
ParticipantThank you for your care and perspective Niyata. I agree with what you say and I have stuck by him, supporting him, counseling, but he does not see it still. I have been explaining that I am not her, for years, he has such trouble making connections with his feelings. I have PTSD too so I get it, not being able to connect with your feelings and being overwhelmed by them. He cannot tell what he is even feeling most time.
I know he is not sitting there consciously thinking of ways to hurt me but the result of him having feelings he doesn’t connect with, causes him to be reactive/over reactive and overprotective of himself and is hurtful to me just the same.
When I was dealing with these same things years ago from my own trauma, I could at least take on another persons perspective and also have compassion for them even tho I was scared. He is more emotionally underdeveloped and sees things as a child in that they are black and white/ good or bad. So if he feels hurt, he assumes I hurt him, assumes I’m abusing him and I am not. His cause and affect are all backwards. He is not malicious, but his delusions of me being against him get stronger, not less, with each disagreement we have. I can say there is no bread to my son, and he overhears interprets it as an attack, like as if I insulted his ability to provide, he desperately came to me the next day to show me that there was bread in the freezer. Then he was disappointed when I pointed out that I could not make French toast with that type, I meant that there was no sliced sandwich bread, it was no big deal at all to me. I can only imagine the abuse he endured when he behaves that way.
I do not want to leave him. (We still live together for now) He has broken up with me and I know it is because he is running from his PTSD. It is not what I wanted, but how things are unfolding. I have tried to influence things in the other direction.
Thank you for sharing with me Niyata. I have been through trauma and am forever grateful for those that helped me when I could not help myself. I am glad that you have received the support and compassion that you need.
February 16, 2015 at 7:24 am #72820Sunfl0wer
ParticipantLol! Thank you Inky! I am not laughing to make light of your response but laughing because I have seriously considered moving abroad!
You are right, they have a daughter together. We had custody of the daughter for several years raising her because mom cheated on him and left the state with her new husband she found on the internet specifically looking for men who make >100,000 per yr. Mom LEFT but accused us the whole time of kidnapping!!!! She tormented the daughter with the idea that we were bad people, kidnappers, we took her away from the “only one that loves her,” her mom. She told her girl to “be brave” whenever she left her with us as though to imply that we were “bad.” She taught her to collect evidence against us so that mom could one day “rescue her” by teaming up and placing vengeance upon us for what we deserved for all the pain we caused the two by keeping them apart. Mom clearly has BPD and ran a parental alienation campaign that was successful, even while the girl was with us full time with mom just a txt or call away!
I have so may confusing feelings that are just spilling out.
I am still angry for not being appreciated by him for standing by him, for helping raise and love the daughter, for sacrificing in the face of so much abuse from the ex wife.
I was re traumatized throughout all of this and needed more counseling myself.
I feel like I deserve better, I wanted him to protect us but his own weaknesses and lack of insight made him unintentionally open us up for more abuse at times.
I wanted him to at least see and acknowledge my pain so he could be there for me.(When I say “weakness” I do not mean it in a derogatory sense, but rather we all have weakness.)
I am clearly wanting more than his capacity.
As much as I am angry, I see how this is not useful. I see that he, like me, is only capable of what he is capable of seeing and doing. I also have so much compassion for him in his position. I just want peace for myself, some freedom, some love that does not hurt me even if it is unintentional hurt.
I do not think he knows what he does not know….and if he could just “see” is all I think sometimes, in a minor hopeful way for Us.
We went on vacation and when we came back we seriously thought of moving away for a bit. I ended up wanting to be here for my family but would not hold it against him to move without me. He will not move as he feels he would be abandoning his teenage daughter. At this point, the daughter is resentful and abusing him without moms guidance….
I am thinking distance is good advice. He cannot take the advice and put the distance he needs between him and others to be his own human being, however…I.. need distance to maintain my own being. So that means distance from him.
As I say this in this moment, I realize that for him, to be a “being” means connection. This is why he does not set better boundaries with them. He will feel less of a person. This is why my healthy boundary setting makes him withdraw from me.
Thank you for this, letting me explore this, listening, sharing time and thought.
I feel like I will think on it more as I may be about to “see” something myself.
Maybe as I desperately say I want HIM to see something, …..what really is true, ….is that I want to see something myself…..and it is close but just slightly out of my reach.
I’ll keep thinking on this.
Thank you for your insights, I greatly appreciate them when browsing around, and I appreciate them here as well.
February 16, 2015 at 12:29 pm #72827K. M. W.
ParticipantHe is more emotionally underdeveloped and sees things as a child in that they are black and white/ good or bad. So if he feels hurt, he assumes I hurt him, assumes I’m abusing him and I am not.
You mentioned that you believe his ex-wife has BPD (or perhaps it’s NPD). Could it be possible that he also has BPD, of a milder sort? My husband does, and your partner’s behaviour sounds similar.
He is not malicious, but his delusions of me being against him get stronger, not less, with each disagreement we have. I can say there is no bread to my son, and he overhears interprets it as an attack, like as if I insulted his ability to provide, he desperately came to me the next day to show me that there was bread in the freezer. Then he was disappointed when I pointed out that I could not make French toast with that type, I meant that there was no sliced sandwich bread, it was no big deal at all to me. I can only imagine the abuse he endured when he behaves that way.
This part that makes me think of BPD, too. You seem to be a far more perceptive person than I am. When I first noticed my husband’s BPD behaviours, I thought he was utterly insane. But once I read about how people with BPD’s emotions are heightened, and how they can be extremely sensitive to things that wouldn’t phase me, I was able to understand.
I see that he, like me, is only capable of what he is capable of seeing and doing. I also have so much compassion for him in his position. I just want peace for myself, some freedom, some love that does not hurt me even if it is unintentional hurt.
Acceptance is a good place to start, I think. It’s ultimately up to you to know what you can handle, and whether you need permanent distance, or just need to figure out a way to provide yourself with enough space (meaning alone time, etc) to keep yourself well.
I have chosen to stay with my BPD husband, because I have been able to learn new relational skills, including setting boundries, and communicating them in a way that makes sense to him. It’s not easy AT ALL, but I went into it with my eyes open. With your history of PTSD, I can see why being a partner who is struggling (with PTSD also, or whatever else is causing him to act out), could be unhealthy for you. =/
Obviously I can’t know if your partner is dealing with BPD or not, but I think some of the tools at the BPD Family forums might be worth looking into. Personally, that website has been a fount of information, help, and understanding. The tools explained there have made a massive difference in my relationship with my husband. When he emotionally dysregulates, I have ways to handle it appropriately for both of us (NOT just for him–there are times I need to protect MYSELF from his emotional distress, because it can fly in my direction every so often).
The thing is, I do have to be the “adult” in the relationship, when he is experiencing these intense emotions. This can be extremely exhausting. I am the one who has to keep my cool, and lay down the law in much the way an adult has to when dealing with a 2-year-old in a tantrum (for example: “You must be pretty upset to threaten the silent treatment. Threats don’t work with me, but I would like to understand why you are upset. Would it be all right for us to talk about what you are feeling, or would you like some time to calm down first?”) It was a bit awkward, for sure, to realize that my partner has the emotional maturity of someone much younger. I am not his therapist, though. He needs to work on developing emotional skills with a professional. I cannot change him. However, practicing good communication skills and boundary setting as consistently as I can, does make our day-to-day life MUCH smoother. My husband still suffers emotional distress, but it’s something I don’t have to let carry me along also.
Anyway, I encourage you to check out the The Lessons in the BPD Family forums, especially the communication tools, validation, and JADE lessons. Maybe they won’t be helpful for your husband. Or maybe you’ll find one thing that helps everything make a bit more sense. Actually, the people there are really kind, and might be able to offer some support or suggestions for dealing with your partner’s ex-wife. I have learned so much those wonderful people.
I wish you all the best, Sunfl0wer. You seem like a lovely individual, and I know how lonely it can be to deal with a partner who is dysfunctional. 🙁 Sending you warmth.
February 16, 2015 at 7:18 pm #72839Sunfl0wer
ParticipantKMW, Wow! What a feeling when somebody “gets it.” Amazing!
I wonder, Do you think your husband can ever see who you genuinely are? Does this bother you?
I see so much truth in your post.
I am struggling to make sense of many of the pieces of our relationship.
Unfortunately, breaking up is not up to me. I don’t want distance from him. I just want distance from the dysfunction that he brings to me. However, I do not have BPD. I know that I cannot “split” him that way.
I have thought that he has BPD. I have read up on it very much and have been successful in dealing with him as tho he actually has NPD or BPD. I found info on how schema therapy can be helpful, and it was indeed. I accepted the role of being the emotional caretaker of the relationship, the “adult.” Like you say, exhausting at times.
Last year, I flat out went to our therapist and said I felt my bf had BPD. I was told that we all have traits of things and it is all on a continuum, however he did not think he had a diagnosable amount of BPD “traits.” He has never been self injurious, he does not fear friends abandoning him, it is just dynamics with people that are very close to him that he gets that way. (His mom, or partner, sees his kid as an all good extension for narcissistic supply) I agree with you. I feel so validated by your observations. I feel he has a mild type of BPD.
Our therapist admitted that his ego identity is not fully developed and that it needed work.
I don’t want a break up. His wife has caused us such harm. Now his daughter has taken her place and has expressed desire to kill us and I do not doubt her wish. However, she is on the golden child pedestal and he is now being coerced and controlled by his teen and he cannot see it. I have had to tell him that she cannot come to our home for visitations because of the threats she has made and I am fearful and feel his codependent behavior contributes to her trying to hurt us. He is not going to renew a lease with me. He wants a home that his daughter can come to 6x a yr for her visitations. I want a home that promotes a greater sense of security for us all….or just me and my son.
Neither of us is budging. I guess I just need to talk it out loud some here to get it more sorted somehow. It is a hard thing.
How do I make peace with a break up that I feel shouldn’t be?
I have never broken up with someone where we both wanted one another. How can this be?Why am I still clinging onto “what should.”
How do I find acceptance?I think I will do as you say and browse around the BPD forums, look at the JADE lessons. I just feel like there is something more I need to learn from reviewing our relationship. I do not think it will change the course of things, nothing for the past 7 months has indicated that, but I need it to make more sense somehow.
Thank you so much for kindly sharing your experience. It means so much to me to hear such understanding. I really am glad for the different perspective. I feel just a bit less alone for it. Warm thoughts your way too! 🙂
Thank you KMW!
February 17, 2015 at 5:44 am #72882Inky
ParticipantHi Sunflower,
I hate to say it, but let him have a space for just him and his daughter. She is only a teen for so long, and will only be on visitation for a short amount of time until she’s an adult. Let her and her dad have time and peace. You around will just trigger her. Also, it will give YOU space and time to really look at this relationship from a perspective.
Revisit this guy when the kids are grown, the ex wife had moved on, and he has more of a handle on his own mental health.
Peace,
Inky
February 19, 2015 at 4:59 am #72991Sunfl0wer
ParticipantThanks again KMW, I have joined in case you want to find me there. I cannot find the JADE lessons, hard for me to navigate. So very helpful!!!!!! A million thanks!!!!!!
February 19, 2015 at 5:07 am #72992Sunfl0wer
ParticipantThanks Inky, I agree with you. They need their space. I have made sure that the past 7 months that visitations were just the two of them….for many reasons. I am not trying to influence anybody, I’m watching things unfold.
My current struggle is not my interactions with him. My current struggle is coming to terms with things within myself.
Finding acceptance for the situation.
Finding peace within myself over this break up that is confusing.February 19, 2015 at 9:32 am #73001Ashley Arcel
ParticipantHi Sunfl0wer,
Your situation sounds very much like one I dealt with with my partner’s father. His Dad abandoned him, his sister and his mother at a young age, married and had another family that he later abandoned as well. For the entirety of my partner’s life, his dad has been absent, abusive and incredibly cruel. When we first got together, his father got drunk and verbally attacked ME in a hugely inappropriate, sexually demeaning way. It was all downhill from there. Dad leveled blinding bouts of narcissistic rage while everyone in the family cowered and tried their best to appease him. All I wanted was for my partner to stand up a little bit and set some boundaries for the good of everyone involved but he couldn’t do that. I believe he was not only enmeshed in the fantasy of his father one day being a rational, loving human being but I also think he was suffering from some serious PTSD and, at the time, literally did not have the emotional or mental resources of self to do anything about any of it. That was about two years ago now and things have gotten better but it has been a LONG, slow uphill slog.
That said, I get what you’re going through. It’s gut-wrenching to be faced with having to leave someone because of the way they relate to their past and an overall lack of healthy boundaries. All you can really do is continue to care for yourself and, if the dysfunction is really getting so bad that it’s affecting you personally, it MAY be time to leave. If you’ve made it clear to your partner that his past and present with this woman is damaging your mental and emotional health and he still cannot set boundaries with her, then you need to do what’s right for you, whatever that may be. Rest assured that I know how painful this can be. Please keep us updated.
All the best,
Ashley
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