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We go to the same temple…

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • July 8, 2016 at 10:44 pm #109196
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Hello all,

    Many moons ago, I had a huge falling out with someone who goes to the same Buddhist temple I attend. We used to be friends (he introduced me to the temple). After awhile our relationship became romantic, but he said he didn’t want a relationship. We tried staying friends and while it was really difficult for me since I still had feelings for him it seemed like we were working through it. Then out of the blue he cancelled a trip we were going to take together. In hindsight, I can understand why he did, but at the time I was really upset (he broke the news to me via email) and wrote what I thought was a heartfelt message back essentially saying, “hey, not cool, what’s going on?” No response. I called him. No response. I texted – no response. (You get the idea.) I panicked, because he usually was so considerate about getting back to me right away, and (I’m so embarrassed I did this) I left a tearful voicemail asking what I did to upset him. This prompted him to write a email that in so many words said, “leave me alone. I don’t want a girlfriend. Don’t ever contact me again.” I was heartbroken. I never saw him at temple after that.

    Fast forward to a year later. I finally see him again at services the other night and I’ve been a mess ever since. He saw me and completely ignored me, which while not surprising, really hurt. I desperately wanted to approach him afterwards, but felt it would be a bad idea.

    I’m not sure what to do if he keeps coming back. On one hand I want to respect his wishes and leave him be, but on the other hand I want to clear the air. I have no intention of leaving the sanga as it’s becoming such a huge part of my life now, but I’m afraid his presence will just be a painful distraction. If this was a situation where we worked at the same office or attended the same school I wouldn’t be so unsure what to do…but this is a place where I go to grow my practice and feel peace. It’s not an ideal situation, and I want to do the best thing for everyone.

    What advice do you have random strangers? 🙂

    July 9, 2016 at 6:24 am #109219
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi miniaturebodhisattva,

    I was in a similar situation, but you are move evolved than me ~ I was the one that never went back to the temple!! It was too painful. To this day I cringe when I finally went back there or think about it.

    Good for you to keep going there! Hopefully with time (and ironically the temple’s teaching) everyone will “get over it”. Someone wrote once, which really resonated with me, something like: “Frequent, (yet occasional), brief, normal exchanges go a long way towards making things better”.

    So the next time you see him at temple, YOU go up or make eye contact, smile, and say, “Hi! Nice to see you!” and then turn and talk to someone else/go to the restroom/do other things. This will eventually “re-set” the energies to neutral.

    Hope this helps!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    July 9, 2016 at 7:23 am #109222
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miniaturebodhisattva:

    The ex friend’s assertion that you do not contact him – you have to respect that very clear assertion: “leave me alone” and “Don’t ever contact me again.”

    These are the last words he communicated to you, therefore they are still in effect. If you initiate contact with him by smiling at him or speaking to him, you are disrespecting his assertion and that is wrong to do. See, his assertion is reasonable, to not wanting contact. It is not unreasonable or abusive.

    He was obviously very distressed when he said those things but he meant them. If he didn’t mean them he would have sent you a different message in the year that passed since and he would have approached you at the temple this last time you saw him. (He was distressed I am guessing because he feels very uncomfortable with tears, with clingy emotions and the Buddhist principle of detachment and non-clinginess is probably very, very attractive to him. Him being gone from the temple for a whole year indicates to me how indeed distressed he was).

    So, I wouldn’t smile to him or talk to him unless he smiles and talks to you first (and then it is your choice whether to reciprocate or not). Of course if you did want to scare him away from the temple, the thing for you to do would be to talk to him, smile to him and be as friendly and even romantic with him… but that would be an evil plan, and I wouldn’t do it.

    As to how you can endure this distraction, this occupation that is not congruent with the teachings and spirit of the temple? Use it as an opportunity to grow, to heal. First accept how you feel when he is there and in between, wondering if he will show up next or not. Accept it every time and take deep breaths, calm yourself, return to calm again and again. He is a distraction just like any other distraction during meditation. Deal with it the same way.

    anita

    July 9, 2016 at 11:29 pm #109271
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Thank you anita and Inky for taking the time to answer my question! I really do appreciate it.

    Inky: I’m so sorry you had to go through a similar experience. You’re kind to say I’m more “evolved”, but I assure you that’s not the case. While I did go back to the temple (and on the trip we had scheduled, just by myself), it wasn’t always necessarily out of a place of strength, but sometimes more from a fear of regret. (By the way, I don’t think anyone should blame themselves for avoiding a place that brings back painful memories. We all heal in our own ways!)

    anita: You are right that all of this, difficult as it may be, is a huge opportunity to grow and learn. I did scare him off with my tears, and it showed me how I still have a ways to go in learning to control my emotions and show more equanimity when I’m upset.

    July 10, 2016 at 7:20 am #109289
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miniaturebodhisattiva:

    I disagree with your conclusion that you “still have a ways to go in learning to control (your) emotions”- that is that your crying to this guy was a mistake. Strongly disagree. I will explain: there was nothing abusive about your crying. You felt sadness, frustration and so you cried. Nothing wrong with it. He didn’t like it AND there was nothing wrong about your crying. His discomfort with it stems not from him being … above such emotions but by his problems with emotions.

    Like I wrote, the concept of detachment probably appeals to him a whole lot. It is a good principle to practice … in moderation (another Buddhist principle, Moderation). We can’t divorce ourselves from having emotions, no matter how detached we try to be; neither is it healthy to be divorced from our emotions.

    anita

    July 10, 2016 at 10:13 pm #109349
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Thank you anita for the follow up note! Your words have brought me a lot of comfort.

    July 11, 2016 at 9:17 am #109394
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear miniaturebodhisattva:

    You are welcome. Aligning our thinking with the truth, with reality as is, does bring comfort. It is another Buddhist principle, isn’t it?- seeing reality as it is, the bare minimum, without the layers of delusions, distorted thinking.

    anita

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