Home→Forums→Tough Times→Weighed down…
- This topic has 21 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 months, 2 weeks ago by Roberta.
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December 25, 2023 at 6:46 am #426346anitaParticipant
I wish you a lighter and a Merry Christmas, Rosie, and Natalia !!!
anita
December 25, 2023 at 12:47 pm #426364NataliaParticipantMerry Christmas everyone!
Anita, thank you so much for allowing me to express myself on this platform.
My psychiatrist is on an extended Christmas vacation , she never tells me and my appointments just get cancelled instead of being able to rebook . It’s frustrating because her secretary books the appointments and doesn’t check.
anyways typical stuff that I usually dread around Christmas is already happening. My mom decided to book a trip without telling anyone and invited herself to my brothers house . Basically , she send him a text message just as she landed to come pick her up from the airport. Him and his wife have 3 year old , my nephew but they had to drop everything to cater to my moms whims !
im so upset , she’s probably going to do this to me next ! Just show up unannounced and expect everyone to drop their daily routine. She is vegetarian and eats some weird religious Hindu diet and expect everyone else to eat that when she visits . Also she on a whim to a vow of silence and it following some other religion or yoga stuff . I don’t understand why she she pretty much thinks she owns me and my brother and our homes , she even shows up at our work unannounced.
so I’m on pins and needles because I still have to work during the holidays and the last thing I need is my mom showing up and telling me what to do and eat or to quit my job.
im also on the hook to help my dad and will need to help him move in with us as he is losing his rental place a lot sooner and has no where else he can afford to live .
I need to find out some resources here because I’ve never taken care of a sick older person before, don’t know what do expect, I’m sick with worry and actually have been having many bad thoughts lately about giving up for goodDecember 25, 2023 at 1:32 pm #426365anitaParticipantDear Natalia:
You are always welcome to post here, Natalia!
“My psychiatrist… never tells me and my appointments just get cancelled… her secretary books the appointments and doesn’t check“- I wish everyone did their job attentively and responsibly…!
“My mom decided to book a trip without telling anyone and invited herself to my brother’s house… they had to drop everything to cater to my moms whims!“- she feels entitled.
“I’m so upset , she’s probably going to do this to me next ! Just show up unannounced and expect everyone to drop their daily routine…. I don’t understand why she pretty much thinks she owns me and my brother and our homes, she even shows up at our work unannounced”-
– you wrote six days ago in regard to your mother: “I felt really bad for her that she had to make such ‘sacrifices’ just to bring us to Canada“- I am guessing that she thinks that she owns you and your brother and that she is entitled to show up unannounced to your homes and places of work because of the sacrifices to bring you and your brother to Canada (refuge camp and all), sacrifices she may have repeatedly told you about, so that you feel you owe her..?
“I’m also on the hook to help my dad and will need to help him move in with us as he is losing his rental place a lot sooner and has no where else he can afford to live. I need to find out some resources here because I’ve never taken care of a sick older person before, don’t know what do expect, I’m sick with worry and actually have been having many bad thoughts lately about giving up for good”-
– My goodness, Natalia.. You are under pressure at this time on two fronts: your mother and your father. More worrisome is the latter. It happened in the last few days (after you last posted here) that your father has to leave his apartment?
anita
December 25, 2023 at 2:12 pm #426366anitaParticipantDear Natalia:
In regard to “I need to find out some resources here because I’ve never taken care of a sick older person before, don’t know what do expect“-
– there is a member in the forums who takes care of her sick old father, and seems to have lots of information, resources and experience on the topic. There is no way here to send personal messages to members, but if you start your own thread (go to Forums at the top of the page, scroll down to All Forums, choose a Category, etc.), and choose a title that makes the topic clear (caring for a sick, older parent), I bet she’ll notice and reply to you there.
I hope that you calm down best you can, and that you take care of yourself first, before attending to your mother or to your father. If attending to them distresses you too much.. don’t attend to them, at least not in ways that distress you more than you can handle.
anita
December 26, 2023 at 10:04 am #426385RobertaParticipantDear Natalia
What a brave and compassionate person you are giving your father a place to live in your home.
Does your father still drink alcohol? I gave up alcohol nearly 15 years ago and now that I am in charge of the household we no longer have it in the house apart for the odd occasion when people I am entertaining bring it. Along side abstinence, good nutrition is important to help the body heal. Chronic alcoholics are typically deficient in vitamin B1 (thiamine), vitamin B6, vitamin B9 (folate), and vitamin A[3]. Even in small amounts, drinking alcohol raises stomach acidity levels and reduces the ability to absorb nutrients through the stomach mucosa and small intestine. Coconut Oil may also be helpful my dad has 35mls melted into his breakfast each day ( it took about 3 days to kick in).
I wish you all the best
Roberta
What if any health issues does your dad have?
Buddhist texts encourage us to have gratitude for all that our parents have done for us, this is something that many in these modern times struggle with. So general teachings on interdependence and gratitude may be more helpful.
December 26, 2023 at 11:53 pm #426396NataliaParticipantHi Roberta,
Thank you for the nice message.
Honestly, I don’t feel brave or compassionate at all. It’s just something I feel I have no choice in doing and I don’t even know when my dad will finally stop making excuses and actually move.
I don’t know about his drinking habits now as I haven’t seen him in almost 5 years, we talk on the phone every week but alcoholism is easy to hide. I used to work in a bar and I collect many nice expensive liquors for special occasions, some have never even been opened yet. I’m not much of a drinker.
Anyways, my dad has suffered from heart disease mostly due high cholesterol and he had a quadruple bypass so every valve in his heart had to be replaced. Most of his health problems are heart related as far as I know.Sometimes I wonder if his mental health is getting worse as well. He’s just not been making the most rational decisions this past year.
This has been one of the most difficult Christmas times for me , just waiting in limbo not knowing what to do. I have a room ready for him what more can I do? I don’t have the luxury of any paid time off work and I can’t afford not to work.
December 27, 2023 at 7:02 am #426407RobertaParticipantDear Natalia
When we give a gift we should relinquish ownership of it and allow the recipient to do with it what they will. You have offered and made a room for your father, it is his choice when & or whether he picks up this gift.
Something done resentfully is not a gift. It is a burden to both parties. One of the techniques I learnt from Sravasti Abbey this week is to go and sit somewhere public like a cafe or train station and look at each person who comes in/ passes by and mentally wish that “may they be happy”. This helps us with connection & helps open the heart.
I had to work hard on my inner life to enable me to look after my mother when she had cancer, buddhist teachings nourish & help me each & every day as I look after my father. It is harder to look after some one with whom we have not had a good relationship for what ever reason. I hope there is a support group near you for such as ACoA Adult Children of Alcholics.
Instead of worrying, enjoy the luxury of the freedom that you have in this moment.
Kind regards
Roberta
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