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What am I now, contd.

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  • #367713
    Vaishh
    Participant

    Hello anita,

    This man, in my life, has seen his own ups and downs, has been molested too. He knows the pain of sexual abuse, I’ve seen him cry about it. We’ve talked about it, he’s healing now too. The fact that I don’t want to nag him about my thoughts is about me. We decided to give ourselves space to emotionally heal. We think we are soulmates, he told me that he want to see me in his future. There are few good people in my life too, It’s just that, I’m stuck to my past. I’m thankful to you for making me feel comfortable about being a girl. What is between me and this man, isn’t limited to sex. He values my character too.

    “Next, this girl grows up and she notices that boys are interested in her body, they want her body. She wants to be liked, so she lets them use her body. She found out that to the boys/ men, her body has value: it gets them excited, their excitement builds up, they then get a relief and they feel so much better. So she lets them. She gets a little bit of what feels like a much needed loving attention (she feels their touch and it doesn’t hurt, different from her parents’ touch).” If you kinda meant this guy, I’m so sorry that you misunderstood. The reason why he wanted to have sex with other woman was because, he wanted to feel like, he can have consensual sex too.

     

    I said, ” We talked about this and we decided that we will be okay with he having sex with other women. I don’t tell him about how I feel about it, but, I am okay with his decision. I feel jealous, I feel lonely, I feel unloved and I feel like something is wrong about me, and I lack something and that’s why he goes to other women. I really wish I could tell him how I feel. But, I don’t want to be clingy and annoying. I feel like I’ve been a burden to him by ranting to him always, and being stuck on to the past. I’m really trying, but those sudden strike of fear and bodily disassociation still hits me hard. I cry helplessly, wanting to be protected, wanting to feel safe. Since that we have decided in this, I’ve realized that I’ve been mentally distancing myself from him, because I don’t want to hurt myself by being attached to him emotionally.”

    I talked to him about this few days back, I’m sorry I couldn’t update.

    I told him that I felt this way, and he told that he is sorry for how I felt, and he told me how much he loves me and he wanted to hold me telling that it’ gonna be okay and he’ll be with me no matter what. I’m so grateful that I met him.

    All this feelings that I have about my body is only limited to me. I want us both to heal. Maybe, I’ll heal soon too. I never accepted the fact that this sexual assault has happened to me. Do you know rape survivors who are doing better now? I’ve tried to talking to friend, but it just doesn’t make me feel better. I’m stuck to my past. I desperately want to heal.

    #367730
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vaishh:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #367741
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Vaishh:

    About this man, you shared in this thread that he was sexually abused too, that like you, he is healing;  that he values your character, that the two of you are soulmates (“We think we are soulmates, he told me that he want to see me in his future”).

    My description in your previous thread,  regarding the girl being used for her body- no, I wasn’t referring to the guy you are talking about, but in general to girls/ young women who are used for their bodies.

    When I wrote to you in your previous thread that I don’t think he is the one for you, I wrote it because you shared that he told you that he wants to have sex with other women, and that is hurtful to you, making you feel jealous, lonely and unloved, and that there is something wrong with you. So, I figured he is not right for you.

    In your current thread you shared an update: you told him how you feel about him having sex with other women and he told you that he is sorry for how you felt, that he loves you much, that he wants to hold you, and that he will be with you no matter what.

    “I never accepted the fact that this sexual assault has happened to me. Do you know rape survivors who are doing better now?.. I’m stuck in my past. I desperately want to heal”-

    – yes, I know a rape survivor who is doing better now. And you can too. It takes doing gradual work over a long time. You are 19, I imagine you can do a lot of healing in the next 2 years. If quality, professional psychotherapy is possible for you, that would be best. Otherwise, to heal from rape and other types of physical and emotional assaults and abuse, it takes:

    1. No longer being raped or otherwise abused physically and emotionally.

    2. Learning that you deserve empathy for having been raped and abused, treating yourself with empathy, feeling empathy for yourself.

    3. Being careful and selective as to whom you interact with in your life, and in what ways. For example, the man you are talking about: if he wants to have sex with other women, for whatever reason, then I think that there should be no sex between you and him, and that he shouldn’t share with you his sexual experience with other women.

    – what do you think?

    anita

    #367761
    bolarin
    Participant

    Fggc

    Hello Vaishh,
    Hope you’re doing fine. Your story really moved me. I advise you to follow Anitas’ advices, sincerely.
    My eyes became wet as I read your story.
    But let me tell something, you’re brave than you think you are.

    I’m just surprised I am the one telling you that. Since I graduated from high school, I became purposeless, didn’t want to face any challenges again especially financial. So I didn’t want to continue to College. I think this was due to the fact that I went through financial struggle since I was 12 (both my parents’ businesses collapsed).
    I can recall catering for myself, even for my dad, dealing with rent debt, listening to the bailiff threats. At 12, I had to take care of myself, finding a job, and that situation continued till I finished HS.
    4 years has passed since I graduated from HS. The only thing I did with those years was whining and lamenting. I didn’t pick up a job because I had bad experiences with bosses. I lived the past 4 years daydreaming that my life could have been easier if only my parents financial status didn’t changed back then.
    I lended on this website looking for tips on how to get rid of the past. Coz I think I’ve lost too much time. I want to face the world, resume my education from where I left it.
    Then I saw your post! I started to envy you because you’ve got some envying hellish gut. I stopped living, started being effortless in everything I tried to accomplish for 4 years because of the past. But, you. You were able to move on with other aspect of your life: changed city, move to college, even accepted a new relationship despite the fact.
    If you’re able to reach this state in your life, you can overcome this trauma you’re feeling, this insecurity, you just need the right person. Someone that will not only understand you but also will not do anything to make you feel unworthy. Someone who places your comfort and well-being over his own.

    Don’t let the past hold you down. The past only shows up to steal our present moment from us, thus making us miss the present moment.

    #Brave_Woman

    #367762
    bolarin
    Participant

    Hello Vaishh,

    Hope you’re doing fine. Your story really moved me. I advise you to follow Anitas’ advices, sincerely.
    My eyes became wet as I read your story.
    But let me tell something, you’re brave than you think you are.

    I’m just surprised I am the one telling you that. Since I graduated from high school, I became purposeless, didn’t want to face any challenges again especially financial. So I didn’t want to continue to College. I think this was due to the fact that I went through financial struggle since I was 12 (both my parents’ businesses collapsed).
    I can recall catering for myself, even for my dad, dealing with rent debt, listening to the bailiff threats. At 12, I had to take care of myself, finding a job, and that situation continued till I finished HS.
    4 years has passed since I graduated from HS. The only thing I did with those years was whining and lamenting. I didn’t pick up a job because I had bad experiences with bosses. I lived the past 4 years daydreaming that my life could have been easier if only my parents financial status didn’t changed back then.
    I lended on this website looking for tips on how to get rid of the past. Coz I think I’ve lost too much time. I want to face the world, resume my education from where I left it.
    Then I saw your post! I started to envy you because you’ve got some envying hellish gut. I stopped living, started being effortless in everything I tried to accomplish for 4 years because of the past. But, you. You were able to move on with other aspect of your life: changed city, move to college, even accepted a new relationship despite the fact.
    If you’re able to reach this state in your life, you can overcome this trauma you’re feeling, this insecurity, you just need the right person. Someone that will not only understand you but also will not do anything to make you feel unworthy. Someone who places your comfort and well-being over his own.

    Don’t let the past hold you down. The past only shows up to steal our present moment from us, thus making us miss the present moment.

    #Brave_Woman

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