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What do I need to learn from these chain of events?

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  • #371375
    Anonymous
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    Not sure what I need to learn so it stop happening?

    I maintain cordial and professional relationship with everyone at work, but occasionally I become close friends with few people because of shared interest and lightheartedness. The person I become close to always snap at me because of work pressure. I let them know politely and respectfully that I don’t entertain unruly and rude behavior even though we are friends, which always turns against me.

    I am not sure why I should entertain rude behavior and when I object to that I become the unfriendly bad person at work? Most people who gossip about each other pretend to be best friends and during work events they hang out together and share amazing gifts for secret santa. I always get boycotted by everyone because of fall out with one person and recently during secret santa I received no gifts and everyone laughed at me.

    Sometimes I fee I am working with immature kindergarten people, but this is the story at every work place for me. I am not sure how can I correct my behavior or learn from this repeated experience, please help and advice, thanks

    #371390
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Network7:

    I read your post and would like to summarize your previous posts so to be better able to respond to the current.

    In January 2014, you shared that a year earlier, your parents chose a man for you to marry. At first, you “thought he was a nice guy”, and you left “a well-paid job and lifestyle abroad” (in the UK) so to be with this man. But “turned out like the rest, wanting many things from me”. He left you at the altar. As a result, you were “completely broken, full of negativity.. lost trust in people.. a zombie now, without any emotions or feelings left, even for me”.

    In February 2014, you shared that “2013 had been an awful year, both in personal and professional front”, and that you were then “in the dumps (emotional and mental)”. You shared that you didn’t know at the time where you belonged, who you were, and what you wanted from life, and that life “seems a huge burden”, and that you did not “have anyone to rely on, not even myself”.

    In March 2014, you shared “Friends have come and gone, none stayed for long”, that you were the “only one initiating, planning get-together, outings, etc.”, that slowly and steadily your friends “moved into relationships and forming families”, some felt threatened about you being around their partners.

    As a “single Indian female of 31.. presentable, witty, smart and funny.. working.. have hobbies”, you didn’t “fit anywhere”. About relationships, you wrote: “I always attracted a master-slave dynamic, where I had to perform one or the other”. You tried online dating, meeting men through family and friends, university, work- but without success. Your friends told you that you have high standards, but you disagreed: “I always looked and wanted a friend in my partner, where it would be easy to talk and relate to”. You wrote: “I always meet someone with an open mind and heart, but get turned down by their past baggage and high expectations”.

    You were sick and tired of yourself and your life, “had always given, but still I stand alone.. I don’t get accepted by my peers because of my single-status and can’t even manage to find a healthy relationship”.

    You stated and asked: “I have visited counselors to find out whether I am scared of intimacy, or not mentally or physically prepared, or lacking emotionally. But they said I am fine, healthy and smart. So, why am I single, if I am right in the head and heart? How could I find out what is wrong with me?”

    You shared more about your past: you lived abroad for seven years,  (approx.) ages 22-29, studying and working. Having “no luck in dating scene”, feeling very lonely at the end of 2012, as  all your friends from Uni and work colleagues were in relationships and “moving towards family life”, you decided to go back home to your parents for an arranged marriage. They introduced you to a man but he left you at the altar, having decided that he did not like you “that much to get married to”.

    At the time, you were working, but not enjoying the “unprofessional attitude and non-creative environment”. You described your boss of the last 8 months as “Satan personified”, “a pure control freak”. You shared that you are good at your work, but she treats you “like a KG-kid”, that you have to ask her permission before analyzing any issues, before using tools to solve those issues, and “finally ask again whether to solve it or not”. She can’t stand you, you wrote, and  “She does not talk, just screams and shouts, everyone just enjoys the show. Everyone says that I am weak and she’s taking advantage of that”. You shared that you when she screams and shouts you don’t answer back because she “does not stop to listen.. She’s always right, no matter what.. She’s good at her game”.

    You described being “on auto-pilot”, not having “any dreams or goals to reach, got a don’t care attitude”. Your day to day life consisted of “going to work, coming back home, a bit of exercise and my parents… living a lazy life, dependent on others for every little thing”. You were then presented with an opportunity to travel to Europe again, but you were “scared of being all alone again, without anyone to hang out with… I am not enjoying myself here as I have lost my free-spirit and I am too scared to live alone abroad”.

    In April 2014, you shared: “everything I touch is turning into dust, nothing is working out.. I have not achieved anything, in terms of marriage, career, kids. I do not measure up to anyone. I am the odd one out.. half of my life is gone and I am standing here, without any direction/ goal in life”. Everyone else, you wrote, are happily settled, have it all, are in control of their lives- but not you. “Why am I here, what is my purpose? ..What am I doing wrong as a person?”

    In October 2014, you shared that you were back abroad, in New Zealand, but living with a flat mate who was an obnoxious Indian man who wore you out “with criticism and judgement” regarding your single status. He told you that you are “unfriendly, inflexible, reserved, non-flirty”. You wrote: “he makes sure to put me down whenever he gets a chance. I just thank him for his input and smile”.

    Six years later, in December 2020, you shared that you maintain cordial and professional relationships with everyone at work, but occasionally you become close friends with a person at work but that person always snaps at you/ being rude to you because of work pressure. You politely and respectfully assert yourself, but it “always turns against” you: you object to the rude behavior and somehow you are considered “the unfriendly bad person at work”.

    “I always get boycotted by everyone because of fall out with one person and recently during secret santa I received no gifts and everyone laughed at me” (Secret Santa is an arrangement in which a group of friends or colleagues exchange Christmas presents anonymously, each member of the group being assigned another member for whom to provide a small gift).

    “this is the story at every work place for me. I am not sure how I correct my behavior or learn from this repeated experience, please help and advice”-

    My input today: if you and I communicate for some time, then we will be addressing more of what you shared (summarized above). Today I will address two things, asking for your input on the following:

    1. You wrote back in 2014 that you don’t “have anyone to rely on”- I am assuming this was your childhood-and onward experience with your parents/ family, no one to rely on emotionally?

    2. You wrote back in 2014: “I always attracted a  master-slave dynamic, where I had to perform one or the other“. You described how you reacted passively (fitting the slave portion of the dynamic) to people being rude to you: (a) your boss screamed and shouted at you-> you did not answer back, “everyone says that I am weak and she’s taking advantage of that”. (b) your flat mate was obnoxious to you-> “I just thank him for his input and smile”. (c) work colleagues snap at you-> you “politely and respectfully” assert yourself.

    You wrote that sometimes you perform the master part of the dynamic (“I had to perform one or the other“)- but you did not provide any examples of you acting aggressively (fitting the master portion of the dynamic) toward others.

    I am guessing that you have been reacting passively-aggressive at times to people (no one is perfectly passive all the time), and  maybe, at times,  you acted aggressively. Am I guessing correctly?

    anita

     

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