Hi Jo,
I believe that we cannot cure ourselves or if we can then it takes a lot more time and skills that most of us have. Meditating is a great foundation to deal with life in general. I believe that therapy is the other half of what you need in order to address issues of such magnitude. I am reminded of the Albert Einstein quote, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

I just came across Mark Epstein’s books who is a Buddhist and a psychotherapist and writes about applying Buddhist philosophy as a therapist. So from his writings further reinforces my assertion is that we need both our spiritual practice and outside help.

In answer to your question on when you are mindful enough to recognize your “bad” behavior as it is happening, I would think that if you are mindful enough to catch that feeling, thought or behavior at the time then you can be mindful enough to stop and breath and let it pass through you as if you were meditating. Make sense?

Metta,
Mark

Jo,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand the confusion at seeing the pieces, but being unable to fit them together. Consider that you have most of it put together already, in that you’ve become more aware. That’s great! Of course, when we feel like we’re stuck its a pretty cruddy feeling… but that can be overcome with time, patience, and courage. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that these patterns are held together by habit… sometimes called habitual cycles, but they aren’t inherent or even all that potent. They’re like paper tigers, thin veils that look scary before we approach one. However, once we turn toward it, breathe it in, make space for it, and breathe it out, it evaporates little by little. Sometimes in big chunks, but usually like a river erodes a mountain.

In practical terms, it depends what the pattern is. For instance, perhaps your dad acted critical and angry, so he blasted you with powerful emotions when you made mistakes. The pattern that might blossom from such a seed could be a fear of trying new things, fear of not being good enough, shame or panic at our errors and so forth. We see the fears, perhaps, but its tough to simply “not be afraid”….we just end up trying to wrestle a bull. Or, we try to breathe with it, and feel like a little kid holding a really big kite in a strong wind. So much struggle quickly expends our light, our concentration.

Instead, when we’re on the cushion, we can approach the girl Jo that lives within our awareness, breathe in that moment with her, see her confusion and pain, and give her a gentle hug. As we breathe out, we can talk to her, sing to her about how she is loved. How its not her fault her dad did such things, and that she’ll be OK. As we make space in this way, sit with her, we can see how natural the pattern is, how normal, how it just is what it is. Dad was doing his best with the pieces he had, and deserves our compassion. We know how sticky patterns can be, so have deep understanding for Dad and his unskillful blerting. And for Jo, of course she would become scared, jolted in such ways… just for being a kid. Making inevitable countless mistakes as she stumbles along her path like the rest of us… and then being blasted for them as well. Whew! Maybe one more hug to her. 🙂

This is one way of growing self compassion, or making space for our suffering to settle. As we sit alongside the younger, more ignorant, more vulnerable and confused version of ourselves, breathe and make space, let ourselves give love to all involved, the pattern breaks free, erodes. Of course, it doesn’t help if you’re just getting swamped with emotion, or getting angry or whatnot. If that happens, just switch back to the breath, let your body rest, perhaps picture an open field with the emotions scattering like butterflies, lots of room for them to fly home.

For the depression, or feeling of heaviness, consider switching to metta meditation for awhile. It doesn’t help that much to have a deep vision of our patterns if we don’t have much of our light glowing. It makes the paper tigers far more convincing, more permanent, looming. When we do metta meditation, we bolster that inner light, making our mind smooth, peaceful and rested. Then, we can choose to unpack what we wish, rather than bopping around aimlessly, overwhelemed. Buddha taught that metta grows concentration quickly, which is how we find our aim. Consider “Sharon Salzburg metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Finally, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Jo ain’t gonna erode her habits overnight. Go slow, patiently, let your confidence build, your roots grow thick. Many of the “problems” or “patterns” will just go away on their own as you rekindle your inner light. There’s no need to rest in the swamp, ruminate on old habits and so forth. As we go about our daily do, what we need will blossom in front of us. The more we can accept that, the freer we become. Said differently, the less time we spend regretting the past or fearing the future, the more space we have for inspiration to come and resolve the problem in front of us. If we can’t on our own, then we find the tools that do (asking questions, synchronicity, serendipity) along the way.

Namaste, Jo-Buddha, may you find contentment and curiosity.

With warmth,
Matt

You’re on the right track! The hardest part of all of this is to coming to the realization that you have already made. Now you just need to know what to do with this keen insight;

Expand your capacity for self-acceptance. (This is what Matt from above was saying.)

This capacity for self-acceptance is like a vessel. The larger the vessel the easier you will be able to process these emotions/feelings.

While you’re doing this continue to observe your negative habits – like you’re the director of a documentary, starring YOU.

When you actually carry through on one of your negative habits, write down (keep a journal with you) what your last thought was prior to the action.

So for example; if you smoke you might think “I’m more productive when I smoke”, right before you smoke. Now look at that thought and ask yourself if it’s true?

After the fact (whether you smoked or not) try to answer that question in a way that will take you away from smoking (or whatever your bad habit is). Come up with a more healthy response to the assumption.

Eventually you will learn to replace the impulse for a cigarette with something more beneficial. Or, in some cases, the recognition of the dynamics of this process will be enough to draw it to a conclusion.

This takes work and bravery. But you can do it.

peace and love!