May 16, 2018 at 2:25 pm #207803
So I'm 21 years old. I've recently broken up with my girlfriend, who I was madly, madly entangled with and I don't know, maybe in some very intense form of love with. We used to have sex, really really good passionate loving intense sex. It was so visceral and yet simultaneously so numbing. I'm afraid of love, afraid of the opposite gender now. It was so fulfilling on one level but so unfulfilling on many others.
I feel like I have everything but also feel like I have nothing. It just feels like something is missing.
I moved out of my family home. I can't really talk to or trust my family, and I currently am in between friends, that is to say, I used to have close friends but now I don't. No family, no friends, no one to trust or talk to.
I don't mind so much but I smoke cigarettes and I binge eat.
I used to produce music, I still do occasionally, I draw sometimes, I try and create but none of it leaves me feeling full in any way. I feel very very empty.
I feel so unfulfilled. So… numb and empty, and I keep reverting to old ways to find new things.
I went to bars and clubs a few times… fun but simply not what I am looking for.
I wish I could find the new way for me to live, to grow and move forward… I just feel so empty.
Everything I used to do just leaves me bored and empty, I'm in my box room in London and I'm fine but… something is missing.
It's like I want a deeper spiritual connection with life but I simply don't know how to get it – I want to work in the field of spirituality but do not know how… I'd like to be a shaman maybe or a therapist or counsellor… I just don't know how.. and I'm not even so sure of that… all I know for sure is that something is missing…. There's something I'm not getting or doing…
I don't know anyone that has been through what I have been through… I feel so trapped and alone and afraid… and yet can seem ‘fine', can do everything to seem normal but deep down I'm confused and don't know where to go.
I recognise that LIFE is spirituality, spirituality cannot be escaped as such as everything IS spiritual but I just feel so… like I'm not noticing something… I don't know how to address the relationships I have had. I treated my girlfriend terribly… So confused about everything… I just wish somebody understood how I felt.May 17, 2018 at 5:15 am #207909
You wrote that you can't trust your family.
To understand better, I ask: how did they betray your trust?
anitaMay 17, 2018 at 7:23 am #207915
Emotional unavailability, the level of maturity necessary for me to fully embrace them in spite of this is of a level of which I cannot authentically possess right now – in other words, they don't want to deal with my emotions. If they ask how are you, the answer is fine. Any other answer is not an answer, and it always leads to the same “I don't know what to do” response.
They recognise I have problems but care little for how I should deal with them or wether the problem is related to them. In other words, they clothed me, fed me, etc, but my emotions are simply not their problem.
They are just not emotionally available and I don't have it in me yet to genuinely forgive and love them in spite of that. I can't trust them with who I really am, essentially, because who I am is sometimes in deep, deep pain, and because they don't know how to deal with that pain themselves, how can they deal with me?
It's not ‘whatever', not ‘whatever' at all… Nothing to be flippant about, I know. It's truly painful but simultaneously just the way it is, for now. I can accept that, with a lot of dis-ease, yes.May 17, 2018 at 9:25 am #207925
You wrote in your original post: “it was so visceral and yet simultaneously so numbing. I'm afraid of love… something is missing”
Having read your second post I figure you experience your emotions too intensely for comfort and so, your brain automatically goes numb. So it is either too intense or numb. Too intense is scary, numb leaves you not knowing what to do, what to choose.
I used to be very, very confused and as numb as can be. Still suffered a whole lot though (I wish the numbing was more effective). Had no idea what to do, what to choose. My first quality psychotherapy seven years ago started me on the healing process, a process available to all of us. This healing includes, over time, being able to experience our emotions less intensely, so we are not overwhelmed and don't go numb.
Think of other animals that don't have the logical brain capacity that humans have. They are not confused because they are guided by(in addition to their instincts), their emotions. They know when to look for food, when to mate and so on because they have access to their emotions. We need the same access. Logic alone will not do because we are animals, not machines.
anitaMay 18, 2018 at 9:49 am #208093
You may want to look into Buddhism. Buddhism consists of the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha. Buddha being a teacher. The Dharma being the philosophy. The Sangha being the community.
If you feel lost then I suggest you move toward something like Buddhism (though it does not have to be that particular philosophy) in order to bring some structure in your life. Having a Sangha, a set of philosophical principles and a guide(s) would probably help you since you seem to be floundering.
It's a start.