To answer the question “what is love?” I like to refer to the Greek definition of love, and it’s not the same word for all kinds of love: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

I think it helps in distinguishing the different things that we call love and not confuse them with each other. I think that the more mundane forms of love like romantic love and the love of your family and friends are somewhat selfish. Unconditional love is selfless. You can feel all of them, and all of them have their place, but they are different. I think that love can also become more mature as the person matures. This doesn’t have to do anything with actual age, but just being an emotionally mature person.

Which reminds me of a funny thing I saw in Pinterest: “Dear people who think Romeo and Juliet is a romantic love story: It was a relationship that lasted three days between a 13 yr old and a 17 yr old, and resulted in 6 deaths.” To be fair, for some people that would be the definition of love: something that is explosive and dramatic. It’s not really love unless someone gets hurt. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, except if they think that it’s the only possible way to love someone and end up equating love with hurt. But I think I’m digressing again… I tend to do that 🙂

We are obviously talking of a love /bond type between two persons attracted to each other.I am more convinced that the dating game at least for me can produce no fruitful relationship- it only leads a state of quasi-dilemma between friends which can spiral out of control.When something is spontaneous it should be let to grow. If not, the hundreds upon hundreds of iterations possible when the next level is suddenly introduced can induce a state of panic which is capable of destroying a friendship and possibly a real union between couples-

both times i have attempted something more serious with a girls i really liked on the surface , they both did the same thing, the other two occasions were spontaneous and unexpected but much more powerful and with less anxiety even though they did not grow further ; a time and a place and a direction is what you need to bring two people together in love.

Archie,

Thank you for opening up a little, and I’m empathetic to your suffering. Sometimes when we’ve had a critical parent, or otherwise experience love that feels conditional, we can become scared that just around the corner is some choice we make that will be devastating, destructive to our peace. This pushes us to close off, put up veils, walls, to hide. And yet, inside us is a deep yearning to connect, to be seen, heard, touched, tasted. This creates an exhausting tension between wanting to connect, and being scared to death to connect, or feeling unworthy of that connection. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps you’re looking in the wrong place for your self value. You’re not lovable because of something you do, the way you look, the way you think… you’re lovable because of the energy and reality that flows through you. Trying to know everything, being perceived as an expert, being seen as capable, as strong… all collapse under the weight of the “what ifs”, because your mind is very powerful and creative. Said differently, sometimes we try to seek enough knowledge to feel safe, to be free from fear. This fails. Instead, we can grow our courage, which gives us genuine freedom from fear. Fear doesn’t stop arising, rather, it stops inspiring our actions, our hiding. “Oh, yeah, this feels like fear… let’s try it anyway.”

In the growth of our path, this shows up by asking the questions that actually matter to us, to those that can help us. For instance, instead of approaching a teacher, and attempting to sell them a version of ourselves that is strong, put together, to prove we deserve their attention, we can simply accept that they are there for us, and ask them the questions that really trouble us. I remember a physics class that I did poorly in many years ago because I was seen as the smart one, and so when I had questions, I felt scared to ask because it might shatter that image. Luckily, I met a few uncompromising teachers that had the ability to ferret out my veils, invite me to set down that image, and help me come to a stable inner ground.

In romance, it is much the same. We feel that romance blossoms because we are beautiful, smart, funny. This is not true. Romance blossoms when two people both show up. They say what’s on their mind, in their heart, and share in that space, that vulnerability. “I don’t know how to kiss”, for instance, can be simply shared with someone. The what ifs turn that into a shameful “I’m ignorant and broken, no value to a mate in the kissing department”. However, when we just relax and admit our ignorance to our partner, we get to go on a journey of exploration and learning about ourselves and each other as we figure out what we like, what they like. “I don’t know how to do a relationship” becomes a shared exploration of mutual needs and expectations. No rules, no perfect way of kissing or relating… just you, what comes to you, him/her, and what comes to him/her. Heart to heart, free, open. What you like, what he/she likes.

Consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work on shame and overcoming it. Her book Daring Greatly approaches shame in a very helpful way, and has soothed the fears of many isolated souls. Her TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability” is also wonderful, and may resonate with you as well. As we feel fear, dive in anyway, and work through whatever comes of it, we become confident, resilliant. Sure, we might trip and fall a bazillion times, stub our toes or our hearts, but we can weather failure, nurse our toe, and get back up, keep walking. Along the way, we become more skillful, and then the what ifs lose their power to control us.

Finally, consider doing some loving kindness meditation. When we are children, we are ignorant of where our inner light comes from, and try to hide and protect it from nature, chaos, others. As we mature, grow up, step forward as the goddess we are, we realize that our light is unquenchable, grown from our endless, gentle kindness and support we have given to ourselves and our extended human family. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” is on YouTube, if you’re interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may you find your strength.

With warmth,
Matt

Archie,
First of all , you deserve kudos for being graceful enough to accept that your friend did not deserve your rejection . Look at this way, maybe he didn’ t deserve this but it might have been the need of he hour.Accepting his proposal might have been not worth it because how could have you entered into a relationship if you were not prepared for it and you had not that feeling of love for that guy.
The way your family loves you is the purest form of love. It seems like you have made this ‘love’ as a benchmark . You can only open up to people when you keep aside your judgements and fears which have been defining your relationships till now.