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What is this "stress" in relationships?

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  • #114454
    Csaba
    Participant

    So long story short. I’m a 22 years old guy who just finishes university. IN the past I never had relationships longer than 2 months, even though I’m popular with women. I really enjoy their company, and I never eploit their feelings towards me.

    Whenever I’m starting to get to know someone a little “stress” appears in me. I’m a really calm and patient guy and I cant really bear having this stress. What is wore is that the more I get to know a girl the more this stress grows untill the point where I cant bear it anymore and I break contact with the girl. This happened every freakin time, and when I ignored it with my first girlfriend it got to a point where I became depressed for months.

    I got to know a girl who we have a lot of things in common with and we enjoy being with eachother. Only weird thig is that she is 30 but she is kinda not that mature, and I’m sorta serious so it comes together. She even asked after the 3rd date if I love her (I said no, things dont grow this fast in me, I never lie baout these things) and she asked if I want a realtionship after the 4th date. The stress was so big at this point where I said: I’m sorry but I cant give this to you. She accepted it but was really hurt, she felt like I exploited her for sex which was not true.

    After this the next day I called her to say sorry and if she wants to meet again. I tried really hard because I diddnt want to lose her. The next day she called me and said that we should continue. We made a date 3 days later however the stress appeared stronger than ever and I had to cancel a few hours before the date.

    This was 1 week ago and I’m really starting to feel that I am making a mistake by letting this girl go. I knwo that if I woudl meet her again the stress would return. I’m really fucking pissed about this. It has been with me my whole life and I dont know what the hell it is. Some people say its fear of loss, or fear of commitment but it is more than that. It has to be and I cant understand it. I’ so helpless in tthis regard. Does somebody know what this is?

    #114455
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You need a feels-whisperer to figure this out.

    I’m not qualified but it seems pretty clear that this is some kind of fear, yes. Work out what it is you’re afraid of, then move on from there.

    #114456
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Csaba,

    I’m giving a long side-eye to this thirty year old girl. Who asks if you love them after the third date? Or sees someone almost half their age?? I’m stressed out reading about her and I’m not you!!

    As for your problem in general, it could be that you are not as calm and patient as you think. Relationships come with all these hidden and unspoken expectations. I think if you dated someone who had (TRULY) no expectations you would be a lot happier.

    Best,

    Inky

    #114554
    Jessa
    Participant

    Hi Csaba,

    Im sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds miserable to want to be in a relationship but feel stressed out the closer you get with someone. You said its not a fear of commitment or loss- Im curious, do you have any ideas about what it might be that you’re afraid of? Another way of thinking of it is, if you DIDN’T stop a relationship from continuing even though you were stressed out, what are you afraid would happen? That she would be disappointed, or reject you if she really got to know you? That she would end up hurting you if you get too close? A feeling that you have to perform or be perfect to please her?

    Or maybe something entirely different? What do you think?

    Best,
    Jessa

    #114634
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csaba:

    Fear is what it is, a very powerful emotion. What is the fear about is the question.

    I believe that the answer is in a long, long-term relationship you already have: one with any one of your parents and/ or the relationship between your parents which you experienced by proxy.

    Best place to explore this is in the safety of psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic and capable therapist. If you’d like to exploring it here just a bit, please do. If you post again, I will reply.

    (Once the fear is identified and processed, it would weaken a whole lot and you will be able to have a relationship with a woman).

    anita

    #114653
    Csaba
    Participant

    Thank you for all the replies. It means a lot to me, and you guys are awesome for giving so much attention for a stranger on the internet.

    I had a long talk with my sister on the subject, who is a very empathetic and skilled psychologist. She came to a pretty solid point in the matter which made me thinking.

    This girl was awesome in many ways, we had the same interests, we had fun together, I had no problem listening to her for hours at a time, she was so intereting. And besides this we listen to the same bands, which is a huge thing for me because not many people listen to this type of music and I go to many concerts, it was great sharing this with someone. SHe also took care of her bdoy, which was beautiful. Those big blue eyes haunt me to this day but I think about how great our time was. But besides all of this there were many “red flags” in our dating. He had a boyfriend of 5 years with whom she only broke up with after we had sex, and she told me that she already cheated on him with a guy who basicly still “stalks” her. On our third date we had an awesome day, in the end she asked me if I love her, I made a joking response and said that while its getting there I’m not there yet. She was hurt by it and just walked away from me without talking. She went to the “backup” guy to cry and a few hours later told me how sorry she was. I mean we had this great day and just after one small slipup she already hangs with the backup guy? Another thing was that when we had sex she always told me “Oh we don’t need that condom”, I guess I dont need to say more about this (and no, I didnt care and put one on anyway always). Also she asked me to be in a relationship after 4 dates. She also never told me anything positive abu her previous relationships.

    I really liked this girl, I never had so much fun with anyone who I dated. And because of this I kept lying to myself, turning a blind eye to all of the flaws, because I really wanted to belive that something can happen with her. She told me that she is pretty sure that the problem lies somewhere around here. I kept lying to myself even though deep down I know that this could not work on the long run.

    It was a beautiful experience, a lot of things opened up in me that I didn’t know I was capable of. But I guess she came into my life to teach me these things and probably a few years from now I’ll totally understand her purpose in my life. Sorry for the long post, if you have any thoughts on the matter please share it with me, I’m really interested.

    #114666
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csaba:

    Your analysis of this woman reads reasonable and your choice of ending the relationship with her is a very good choice.

    In your original post you wrote: “the more I get to know a girl the more this stress grows untill the point where I cant bear it anymore and I break contact with the girl. This happened every freakin time”-

    So I understood that you fear relationships with every girl you start a relationship with, therefore I wrote to you what I did in my previous post to you. You didn’t respond to it. Is it because you think that there is nothing to explore where I suggested there might be something?

    anita

    #114695
    Csaba
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I visited multiple psychologists in the past years, none of them seemed to be ones I would like to work with. In the past I had somewone I went to but after some time I knew what she was going to say every time and she basiclly became my second mother in that regard. Another one I also tried but she was really disrespectful (talking for 30 minutes during our meeting and still asking for a full payment is a bit rude, and this happened twice). So I’m still looking, a lot fo them are full in the after work hours but I’ll find one in time.

    As for my parents relationship, they have a really rare gift in eachother. They married when they were 18 after 4 years fo dating. Now they are 56, great communicators, always gave the best for me and my two sisters. Father is a strong businessman with a kind heart, while my mom is one of th most loving person I know (she is a very good teacher by the way). Their relationship was always a standard for me. They never argued (infornt of us at least). I received a rare gift, when I grew up I’ve seen how their relationship works and I wanto to emulate that. I want my wife and kids to have the best they can. What do ou think?

    #114729
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csaba:

    I think that a competent therapist is difficult to find. I didn’t get to see a competent therapist until I was 50 years old.

    Your fear of relationship, which, I believe is in the core of “this ‘stress’ in relationships” (the title of your thread) has its origin in your past. I am not a therapist and even if I was, I couldn’t be here, on this website, as a therapist of any kind. Still, in the absence of a therapist (and a competent therapist!) in your life currently, we, that is you and I, can explore the origin of your fear. We can do it right here. If you are willing then, let’s communicate back and forth.

    I read the above about the relationship you experienced by proxy, that is the one between your parents. If we move away from it for now, tell me about your relationship- as a child- with your mother? Your father? Just write whatever comes to mind (without analyzing your writing).

    anita

    #114843
    Csaba
    Participant

    As a child I was a really calm child who always watched and listened. I was also quite lazy in many respect. I always got along well with my parents. I received a lot of love, I was againt touching however, I never kissed my mother untill I was 18, nowadays I acually need it a lot of times. father was tha strong and kind figure, he taught me t never give up and to work my ass off in everything I do. he was also the one who was less strict. My mother was he one who taught me how to “feel” it was hard for me, for the first 20 years I never dared to have many feelings, she was a really feminine and strict mother but she always loved me.

    I was the 3rd child, I was not planned but they kept me. I also have 2 sisters one who is 8 and another 10 years older then me. They always gave me much love, sometimes even protecting me from bullies.

    i was kind of a weird kid, athugh I was clever I can remember not realising common sense things and being a quiet weird many of times. During my teen years I became a computer addict. I didnt like my life (even tough I had no reason, now that I look back). There were days when I played games for 14 hours a day. MY parents were concerned but they did not do anything, they thought it was onl a phase which was true. During this time I met someone online who I could talk to, who listened to me and gave me guidance. We met and it turned out he was a pedophile, this did not do good to my already nonexistant confidence.

    When I was 16 I went out for my firt party and met a group of guys wh are still my friedns to this day, they are above avery intelligence, almost all of them are doing university, most of them are engineers but not of the nerdy type lol. Life was starting to get better there.

    When I was 18 I had my first girlsfriend, we dated for 3 months, never haveing sex. Looking back now I realised that she was a manipulative type, and she was really insecure, blaming me for ever little thing. I ended the relationship althugh I truly loved her. I met my second girlfriend 2 months after this. I was 18 she was 15 at the time. She really loed me, I never had the same feeling, altought to this day I love her, but not romatically. I always hep her when I can, she is a true woman, a wife type but I1m just not attracted to her. We dated for 4 months and the I had to move becauseof university.

    At the first day I met a girl who was to this day the only woman I ever felt unconditional love for. Unfortunatley she didnt feel the same towards me and I ended up in the friendzone. I didnt date for 2 years after this, I had too many.

    But this was also the time where I had enough of being insecure. I started bodybuilding and in 2 ears I gained 40 kg-s later cutting down 15 kg of fat. I also read a lot about personal and spiritual growth. I have a healthy diet since 3 ears now and I love doing this.

    I became confident but remained a humble person. A lot of different people started telign em that I’m a real leader, something which still amazes me. A lot of girls are interested in me now, but I’m no the type who uses women.

    And we besically got to the point where I met the woman above. This is my life as I saw it, everything happened for a reason even if I dodnt realise it at the time. If you want some details about some section please do ask, dear Anita. Have a great day!

    #114881
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Csaba:

    Yes, I do want some details on the following:

    1. “I received a lot of love, I was against touching however, I never kissed my mother until I was 18, nowadays I actually need it a lot of times.”-

    What do you mean you were “against touching”? What kind of touching and by whom? Since what age, in what circumstances?

    When you wrote that you nowadays “need it a lot of times” need touching, you mean? By whom? By your mother?

    2. “father … was also the one who was less strict.” How was your mother strict with you?

    3. “My mother was he one who taught me how to “feel” it was hard for me, for the first 20 years I never dared to have many feelings”- what do you mean, she taught you how to “feel”? What was hard for you? And why didn’t you dare have many feelings?

    4. “she was a really feminine and strict mother”- how was she feminine and how is it connected to her being strict?

    anita

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