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What is wrong with me, why am I single?

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  • #372466
    Mini
    Participant

    I am 38 and never been in a relationship. I am a late bloomer and ventured into dating after finding myself that is after 25, when I became confident in my own skin.

    I have been on dates via different sources, but never culminated it to a relationship. I have only found one type of guy who is looking for a therapist or a parent. I met every guy with a blank canvas and kind of felt exhausted with the burden of their past relationship, career and financial failures.

    My friends, family and acquaintances always wonder what is wrong with me? I do not have the answer, neither they can suggest anything which I can improve upon. I do not want to blame myself or anyone, but there is a deep-seated pain which is not going away. I do meditate on a regular basis along with practicing gratitude and forgiveness, but still do not have the answer to why am I single and attracting only broken people?

    #372539
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mini:

    I will read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #372547
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mini:

    “I have only found one type of guy who is looking for a therapist or a parent… there is a deep-seated pain which is not going away.. do not have the answer to why am I single and attracting only broken people”-

    – Maybe you are broken too, and that “deep-seated pain” indicates such brokenness (?); maybe everyone is broken in one way or another. If everyone is broken, then everyone attracts “only broken people”.

    Maybe you do not tolerate or endure people being.. people with problems, doubts, hurts, fears, etc. (?)

    anita

    #372592
    Mini
    Participant

    Thanks for your response. Yes I do not like to entertain people with problems especially who live in the past and dream of what could be? Talking about failed relationship from school, college or who is married with kids now is plain useless. I am not broken 99 things are working perfectly in my life but not relationship as it takes two people. I am improving everyday spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically but still meeting the same kind of ignorant guy from 15yrs ago, which is quite confusing as it goes against “we attract what we are”

    #372603
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mini:

    In your original post you wrote: “there is a deep-seated pain which is not going away”- I wonder about that pain in you that is not  going away: what is it?

    In your second post, you wrote that you don’t like “to entertain people with problems especially who live in the past and dream of what could be”- I wonder if you grew up with such a person, a mother or a father who lived in the past and dreamed of what could have been, instead of appreciating and enjoying what was in front of them, their own children.

    anita

    #372666
    Mini
    Participant

    I believe you are a troll who got nothing better to do in life. Good luck

    My parents are most sorted and giving individuals. They have never dwelled in the past or blamed anyone, rather learned from their failures and mastered that. I had a happy home growing up and still does now.

    The deep seated pain is of not being in a relationship -> Everything else in my life I have also mastered, because I worked on building myself up. Relationship takes two people and I am not responsible for what happened or did not happen in their past? I was not with them to answer why their partner cheated, married someone else or broken up with them?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Mini.
    #373185
    Ashmitha
    Participant

    You don’t sound very sensitive to other people’s problems. It is good you are strong, yes, but a relationship requires you to be open and kind hearted with your partner. Not everyone is perfect, you will see everyone has some sort of baggage, yourself included.

    And your reply to Anita was quite rude considering she was only trying to help understand why you’ve been single your whole life. Try to be nicer, maybe that will help.

    #373238
    anonymous03
    Participant

    Hi Mini,

    So, I read your thread completely, others’ response to you and your response to them.

    According to you, you have worked on yourself and have “mastered” things in life, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. You are constantly improving and are not “broken”, but seem to attract others who are.

    I am going to be blunt here, apologies if I offend you. It is not my intention to do so.

    I find your view about “brokenness” to be very… ummm… binary. People are either broken, or they are not. That is not the case at all. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has parts of themselves that are broken or damaged, you too. You say you have 99 things working for you, the only one not working is relationships. So, isn’t that part of you “broken”? Aren’t you here to address that? The pain that is not going away… Isn’t it the pain of longing for a deep, meaningful relationship?

    What you must understand is that relationships are a two-way street. Always. Yes, you are not responsible for their past, and nobody is blaming you for their past. When your partner is telling you about their past, they don’t expect to be parented or coached. Maybe they are just telling you about their baggage and past and what hurts them, because you are their partner and they are confiding in you? Maybe they are just looking for comfort? Relationships are all about that, isn’t it? Comfort and compassion. If your partner was cheated on, it was a traumatic experience for them, and when they cry on your shoulder, they may just need a hug and a cup of tea. So maybe you need to change your perspective here. People aren’t ignorant, not all of them at least; they just have different experiences than you, and that is nobody’s fault. Also, it is very unrealistic to expect that you will find anybody with zero baggage. Maybe somebody lost a parent, or had a bad breakup, or lost a child, or had a tough time financially… The list goes on… Our past experiences are what build us, and some of those experiences affect you badly. So unless you date somebody who is 16, fresh into the world, you will not find anyone without baggage. Maybe look beyond their baggage, and consider their past/baggage to be a small part of that person. Instead of focusing on their past, look at the other qualities that attract you to them.

    You mention you are improving constantly, spiritually and emotionally. Yet, I see a serious lack of compassion and kindness in you. Relationships do not work if you lack compassion. Maybe you could work on that? As Ashmitha said, relationships require you to be compassionate towards and be kind to your partner. It will never work if you do not have that.

    You say you are 38, and none of your relationships have worked so far. I wonder, was it you who dumped your partners? If yes, why? Do you see a pattern of what led to breakups? It maybe your need for a “perfect partner”, which is impossible. Nobody may be enough for you that way. Was it you who were dumped? If yes, it may be because of your lack of compassion, and I agree with Ashmitha that you need to be nicer and kinder. Nobody likes a rude, insensitive person.

    You may need to change your perspective about yourself as well. From your words it seems that you believe that you have nothing to work on and improve and other people are just broken and ignorant, which is not the case at all, evidently.

    So maybe ponder on these things. Also, I do not find anything wrong in being by yourself. If it does not work out with anyone, it doesn’t, and you could keep concentrating on yourself.

    Before I end this reply, I would like to say that Tiny Buddha is safe space for everyone. Your reply to Anita was very rude and uncalled for. She was rightfully trying to understand you better, as our relationships in adulthood often depend on what we see and experience in childhood. It is okay to not agree with somebody’s opinion, but rudeness is uncalled for.

    Take care.

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