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  • #70599
    Christopher
    Participant

    I just wanna ask for any sound advices to heal a broken heart. I have been having feelings for this girl for close to 2 years now. We were very close with each other and we even shared a lot of intimate moments with each other. Yet, without fail, at certain points during the times where things were looking like a real relationship, she would always somewhat remind me that she has a brick wall in front of her heart and that she is afraid of anything more than a friendship. That didnt deter me from sticking by her to watch her slowly break down her walls and at every point where her walls lessen, it always seem to me that she actually did hold feelings for me. Truth be told, I was above the clouds at that time.
    However, things took a turn for the worst when one of her brother’s best friend took her out on a “friendly” date. After which, she got more distant with me, less intimate with me and more hostile. When I tried to rekindle whatever we had, she got stressed and pushed further away from me. Next thing I knew, both him and her went on a short vacation together and that he has confessed to her about his feelings for her and the latest update was that she had confessed her feelings for him too. ALL of this took place in less than a month of knowing each other. Maybe its wrong of me to find it unfair that that guy got the easy way into her heart whereas I had to slowly chip away the walls to her heart.

    As of now, she told me that she is falling for him, yet she somewhat thinks that she might like 2 guys at the same time. She also wants me to stick around as a friend to her but to see her being hugged by someone other than me is pretty damn painful. Is it selfish of me to take my leave? As i know that i could not be just a friend to her as of now. I dont know what to do. I love her. I want things to go back to how they were, but i know its impossible right now. I cant be a friend to her for now, yet i dont want to lose her altogether. I just want her to be happy. Best if she’s happy with me. Maybe I’m just inexperienced and naive, so any form of sound advices would help me greatly. Thanks

    #70603
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    No matter what you do, if she ends up with the other guy you will think whatever you did was wrong.
    But it won’t be.
    Because she will ultimately choose who her heart feels the passion towards.
    If I were you, I would pull back some so she has room to see how she feels.
    If you don’t give her room she is going to shut down towards you for sure.
    You sound so hurt, and I am sorry.
    I know it isn’t fair that you have worked so long and hard for her to see her with another.
    Your work and patience will pay off though because we reap what we sow.
    You will get her or better!
    Try to stay busy and let her see that you are ok. In this way you are standing strong and will make you more attractive to her.
    This other guy might not work out and could be a fleeting thing so hold your own and be strong!
    Develop your strengths to fall back on and always know you are capable of finding great love.

    #70626
    Christopher
    Participant

    Thank you so much maggie

    #70630
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Volcomjeans,

    When we meet people that we click with, we generally know in an instant because everything feels natural and they appreciate you for who you are. If the she needs to think, deliberate and be convinced before she feels something for you, chances are she is not the one you are looking for. The reason why she got with this guy after a month is because she feels something compatible with this person that she didn’t feel for you. It has nothing to do with time, academic qualification, money, appearence etc which is why it seems so unfair. Having been on the recieving end of this myself, I can understand how frustrating this is but the question is, what are you going to do about it?

    Personally, I don’t believe that it is selfish for you want to take your leave. How can you be in a relationship with someone when one party gets what they want (friendship) at the cost of what you want (relationship)? No matter how much you love this person, it is not worth having your self esteem kicked in the face everytime you see her and even if she breaks up with this guy, you will just end up as a shoulder to cry on until she meets another guy. Over time, you will eventually end up resenting her. So instead of holding on, let go. This will allow you to remember you time together fondly and move on to meeting someone who feels the same way about you.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Yue.
    #70640
    Christopher
    Participant

    Thank you Yue, though its a tough pill to swallow believing that I wasnt good enough for her. Thank You so much.

    #70644
    Nick M.
    Participant

    I agree with maggie. Speaking from experience, I was in almost the identical situation as you when I was a bit younger. I would have benefited greatly if I would have had the courage to ask others from some positive words of advice so I commend you for that. I ended up sticking around and not giving her the space she needed to determine who she really wanted to be with. Because of this, she grew sour toward me and I ended up feeling negatively about her as well. Her family knew my family and we had the same friends, so it really created an awkward situation for a few years until we were able to speak and realize that we didn’t have to live through our past. We are friends today, but I learned A LOT from the situation and it has allowed me to help others in similar situations.

    At times people need space in order to think clearly. When we hold multiple options in our minds all at once, we tend to lose track of how we really feel and what we really want. It kind of blinds our vision and we end up getting frustrated and just wanting to push it all away due to stress. A little moment of clarity (you having the strength to give her a bit of space) may be just what both of you need. It will allow her to understand what she really wants and it will also take some weight off your shoulders by knowing that you are doing what is best for both you and her. I know how hard it can be, but try to surround the situation with love and understand that no matter what the outcome is, it will only help you grow and progress toward sharing the love you truly desire with someone who’s out there waiting for someone exactly like you. Although it hurts now, you’re blessed to have felt what its like to express love…many people are too afraid to become vulnerable the way you have, so you’ve done an awesome job so far. Stay positive!

    #70651
    Christopher
    Participant

    Thank you nick. It has been a battle within myself to decide if i should actually ask for some mature advice. Thank you for your encouragement.

    #70664
    Staples 400
    Participant

    I’m glad that many people responded to your post! I read it early this morning and became very angry. I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to cast your pearl before swine. The love that you are giving this woman is better spent on someone else. Even if this the relationship with the new guy doesn’t work out for her, I would argue strongly against you running back. She seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don’t give her the luxury of having a “fallback” guy, unless you REALLY want to be “that” kind of guy.
    I suggest that you follow the advice of others and begin to erect some mental barriers around your heart as it pertains to this woman. Get busy! Start dating! Find happiness outside of her! She is not the only fish in the sea. Sometimes being too into a person/relationship can cloud our vision and dull our senses. I have the feeling that you’ve already come to some conclusions. While you wait in limbo for this person with your heart completely overwhelmed, you may be missing the love of your life who is standing right before you.

    #70667
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi Volcomjeans,

    I completely agree with Yue on this as well… very wise words. However I understand that the thought of letting go can be just as painful as sticking it out and watching the one you love move on. When we love someone we become blinded to the happiness we could be experiencing without them. That tendency to hold on no matter what, thinking if you just keep pushing it will work out will only cause you heartache, and as previously said, eventually resentment.
    I’m currently in a situation where I should be taking my own advice; a future without the one you love is daunting. Take Yue’s words to heart “If she needs to think, deliberate and be convinced before she feels something for you, chances are she is not the one you are looking for.” You deserve to feel as much love coming back at you as you are able to give for another. Take your time, feel the sadness and know that you can and will move on.

    All the best to you.

    #70711
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Volcomjeans,

    Just because she likes that guy, it doesn’t mean he is a better man than you. When my ex broke up with me, she went out with someone who is much older than her (10 years), less attractive and less intelligent (her words not mine) who ended up cheating on her. I went through a period of pain wondering why she liked that guy and eventually realised that it’s not a matter of who is better but who she feels a stronger attraction to. We went for a second attempt after she broke up with that guy but even though we have a lot in common and shared a unique bond, it didn’t last as we are not compatible as partners. Similar to your situation, she offered to be friends but I cannot see myself as the “back up guy” or someone who hangs around hoping to have another shot through the friend zone or someone who can actually be friends with her. So even though I treasure our bond, I’ve decided to move on because it would have been incredibly unfair to myself to extend that pain. It’s not easy and I wondered about that decision quite a bit in the initial period but now that I had time to think about it, I feel that I’ve made the right decision.

    It is said that when you are at your lowest point, your heart is open to the greatest changes. What you are feeling right now, this ball of energy that feels like it’s eating your heart is something that you can channel into something positive. Instead of drowning it or let it work against you (e.g. second guessing what you could have done to change the outcome), use it to make changes in your life that you have always wanted to make but never had the time/motivation to do so.

    What define you as a person is never about what happend to you but how you handled the situation. When you look in the mirror, do you want to see someone who stayed in a relationship because of feelings of discomfort or someone who used this experience to become a better and more compassionate person? Make a decision that is consistent with who you are and you will not worry about who thinks what in a few months time.

    #70729
    Christopher
    Participant

    Thank you all for your sound advices. These advices have been the one keeping me grounded at the moment. Just by reading your replies has given me more strength. Thank you!

    #70730
    Christopher
    Participant

    Any more advices would be most welcomed.

    #70743
    Peace
    Participant

    Move on. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t end up with her in the future. It just means don’t get hung up on one girl who isn’t ready for a relationship with you. Because she’s not ready for a relationship with you like you want nor is she willing to work for it (right now) with you.
    Also, I’m not sure what all these feelings her and her new guy are confessing to each other are. Maybe they’re rather shallow feelings but they’re both having fun with it.
    If she really wants to be friends with you just tell her you need a little time with that bc of how you feel about her. If she cares at all about anyone other than herself she will understand.

    #70748
    Christopher
    Participant

    Thank You stilllearning. It’s rather heartbreaking to know if its just shallow feelings that they are sharing and somewhat rather fearful for her. A part of me really hopes that the guy doesnt break her heart. Maybe i’m bitter but i don’t really trust this guy. The stories I’ve heard about him just makes me feel negative about him.

    Anyways. Thank you for your advice Stilllearning.

    #70757
    luckyfox
    Participant

    The first thoughts to me are, what do you actually want from a relationship? I have to give a bit of tough love. You have explained being so focused on her needs, her emotional growth and her pathology. What about yours? It’s normal to have certain hopes but this relationship seems to have been focused on someone else. When you got to know this person did you know what you actually wanted from a relationship, regardless of where she was at? Was there any possibility of your needs being met at the start or did you know then there was a good chance it couldn’t work.
    I honestly feel this is a huge lesson for you. Nothing bad can come of this, you may not have the outcome you hoped for but what if this wakes you up to exactly what your needs are, what you need in a relationship, you work on those and you find the person you are much more suited with. What if all of this teaches you how to be more honest and upfront about what you want and you end up in the happiest relationship of your life.
    It may not be where your head is right now but I have found I’ve learned from every relationship I have been in. Her intimacy issues and decisions have no bearing on what is right for you. There may be aspects of this person you liked but what you need to look at is why you were in this situation with this person. What did it give you to ‘help’ her overcome her barriers, why did you chose to be with a person you knew had emotional issues. I don’t know you but in my own life experience everything stems from an earlier experience. I had a lot of expectations put on me at a young age to ‘help’ people who couldn’t help themselves. I’ve got into relationships and situations and even friendships where I was a ‘need’ for the person. I didn’t feel worthy of a genuine, mutual connection. What could this relationship teach you? If you choose to put yourself in this dynamic or not to realise what you need to change/learn it most likely will happen again and please know, this is then your choice. You will be choosing this same pattern and this same and maybe worse pain.
    I hope you have found some peace xx

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