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What will you do?

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  • November 22, 2014 at 2:44 pm #68255
    heal2014
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I am stuck with a problem and do not know a way out. Really hoping someone can share their wisdom with me.

    1. What will you do if your husband’s cousin is jealous of you and keeps making belittling and condescending comments about your personal and professional life over and again?

    2. What will you do if that same husband who is otherwise very kind and loving turns a blind eye to his cousin’s comments and doesn’t support you at all and accuses you of having no confidence?

    3. What will you do if your MIL, whom you adore and love, refuses to acknowledge the cousin’s comments and puts the entire blame on you hinting that you are the one jealous of her and that there is nothing wrong with her comments?

    4. Finally, what will you do if you are slowly rebuilding your life after a series of traumatic events that led to hitting rock bottom ,losing your peace of mind, health and career, and are expected to interact with this cousin and tolerate her comments?

    I do not see a way out. Anything I say or do is being turned against me. Please help.

    November 25, 2014 at 10:02 am #68384
    Todzilla
    Participant

    I’m sorry your in-laws are saying such hurtful things.

    Easy for me to say, but I would keep in mind that they must be in great pain, suffering great insecurities, if they find some sort of misguided comfort in belittling you. It sounds like your husband’s family has developed a dysfunctionality with a particular circle-the-wagons emphasis of supporting each other’s belittling.

    I would try, hard as it seems, to view his family as truly suffering, and deserving of great happiness that their own actions prevent them from achieving.

    I’m not sure there’s much you say, other than “Well, I’m doing my best to be the best I can be, and it’s not always a straight path.” But keeping in mind their dysfunction is based in suffering will help you step out of the direct path of your pain and see it for what it is.

    Lastly, you may consider not attending all the family events. If they cause you discomfort, you can take a pass.

    November 25, 2014 at 2:39 pm #68393
    Anne
    Participant

    1. It’s her problem, not yours. If she is jealous of you, that will be causing her great pain. Easy for me to say, but try to think compassionately towards her. She must be very insecure.

    2/3. I had a similar issue when I reacted to someone that was upsetting me, but my husband didn’t support me. It turned out that he was so firm in his belief that I was a much “bigger” person than this other, he couldn’t take the notion that I was upset seriously. Maybe it’s the same for your husband and MIL. They think “That’s just , her opinions/comments are not important” (as if she were a child, perhaps?) This would explain why your husband thinks you need more confidence (to be secure in your place in the family hierarchy as “above” her) and why the MIL is reacting defensively in calling you jealous (babies must be protected!)

    4/ I’m so sorry that you’re in pain Focus on yourself and take an emotional step back from cousin as much as possible. When your situation improves, I suspect her comments will mean a lot less to you. They just hurt more now because you’ve taken so many knocks. Maybe keep a diary of “coulda-saids” – all the witty, sarcastic and abusive things you COULD say in response to her provokations, but choose not to, because you’re the better person 🙂

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