what’s the right choice?

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This topic has 64 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 15, 2022 at 5:59 pm #405527

Anonymous
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Dear anonymous:

Can you tell me about your boyfriend of 3 years (or 4 years according to your previous thread) and how was the relationship with him during the 3 or 4 years before the wedding?

anita

August 15, 2022 at 6:33 pm #405532

Anonymous
Guest

edited: Can you tell me about your boyfriend of 3 years (or 4 years according to your previous thread): is he still “into a lot of legal trouble“? And how was the relationship with him during the 3 or 4 years before the almost-cheating-event, aka ache (the ache happening during and the night after the wedding that you attended recently)?

anita

August 16, 2022 at 12:51 pm #405554

anonymous
Participant

@helcat,

thank you so much for your insight. once again, i feel reassured because i think you’re entirely correct. today has been a better day.

i have experienced rumination before and in similar situations. whenever i feel i’ve made a deep error/mistake, i tend to ruminate on it until i feel myself detach from the situation over time. because i feel at fault, i punish myself by replaying the situation in my head.

i mainly feel the worst in the mornings, especially when i’m alone. being with my partner makes me feel better lately. in the mornings, i feel a small guilty pain but as the day goes on, it tends to fade. i think it gets better every day. sometimes in the evenings, it’ll come back for a bit and then disappear but not often.

some stressors or triggers that remind me of that day also bring the thoughts back but i’ve been working on breaking the link between objects and my thoughts.

i like to relax by spending time with my partner, by reading, and by watching tv. i want to learn how to meditate so i can also put some emotional distance between myself and my rumination.

i especially agree with your last point. i inherently believe that not being fully honest is a bad thing and that’s why this is hurting me. it’s very painful to change these beliefs about ourselves so it’s hard for me to tell myself otherwise. but i need to remind myself that i’m not a bad person because i made a mistake or because i choose to move past it. this challenge is hard but i think it will pass over time.

i really appreciate your insight. it does wonders for my anxiety and re-grounds me. thank you again!

August 16, 2022 at 12:56 pm #405555

anonymous
Participant

@anita,

thank you for your response! we’ve been together for 3.5 years so please forgive my white lie. my boyfriend is no longer in any legal trouble (it wasn’t serious, just a teenage mistake).

our relationship is great. he’s very respectful, kind, and loving. i never feel like anything is missing with us. we bicker normally but we never have any “big” fights, we try to talk everything out. i’m insanely happy with him and i think he’s the man i want to marry.

August 16, 2022 at 1:27 pm #405556

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome. I am happy that you are “insanely happy” with your partner. It must be a wonderful, glorious feeling, to be insanely happy. Looking at the title of your thread, “what’s the right choice?”- I’d say that the right choice is to protect your very happy relationship from any and all unnecessary harm. May you and your partner continue to be good to yourselves and to each other.

anita

August 16, 2022 at 1:47 pm #405557

anonymous
Participant

@anita,

thank you so much, anita. i think you’re right. it is an incredible feeling – one i hope to never take for granted again.

i wanted to give you a special thank you. when i was first faced with this difficult situation, i looked to this community for guidance and found your name everywhere. thank you for all that you do here, your love and dedication are seen and appreciated. ❤️

August 16, 2022 at 2:07 pm #405558

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anonymous:

Thank you for being kind to me… and to your partner and to other people in your life. The more kindness you express to others, the kinder they will yet be to other people in their lives, and the world as a whole will be a bit kinder because of you.

What if each time you ruminate about any mistake that you cannot undo– you block the rumination with kindness, kindness toward yourself.

anita

August 18, 2022 at 12:37 am #405593

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous

Sorry for the delay in replying. This reply is going to be shorter than I’d like because there is a lot going on in my own life right now.

I’m glad to hear that you had a better day again and that you have found discussing this helpful.

So this ruminating and punishment with mistakes is not a new experience for you. It is comforting to hear that you tend to detach from these experiences in time. If you don’t mind me asking… What is the first time you remember experiencing this phenomenon?

I wonder if you could plan to do something nice for yourself, or something that is comforting in the mornings and evenings?

As always, you’ve done a lot of great work with introspection. You have a wonderful level of awareness. I wish you all the best!

August 18, 2022 at 6:56 pm #405909

anonymous
Participant

@helcat,

thank you so much for writing back. i’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time in your own life. i’m here to lend an ear if you ever want to talk.

these past few days have been really good for me. i’m eating and sleeping normally and spending time with my boyfriend feels great. it’s comforting to me too to know this will pass with time.

the first time i ever experienced rumination and punishment with my mistakes was when i was in high school. i was dating a boy my parents disapproved and our relationship became strained as a result. i felt i couldn’t be truly happy so i began ruminating on what i felt must’ve been a “mistake.” i eventually broke up with him to please them. a few years later, we got back together though and then broke up naturally.

in the mornings and evenings now, i try to watch some tv for myself and clear my head. i try to stay off the internet and just get lost in whatever i’m doing.

thank you so much for all your kind words and thoughts. i reread them when i start feeling bad sometimes and they really help. i wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon 🙏🏻

August 19, 2022 at 8:01 am #405961

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous!

Thank you for your kindness! There is just a lot going on at the moment. Studying, work. My sister is homeless, I’m her carer and health issues on top of that. I will be fine though, it looks like next week will be quieter.

I’m glad that things are going well and have gotten easier for you. You deserve it, I can tell that you are a very good person.

What is interesting is how some things stick with us when we are young and these habits can become deeply engrained. I can see similar themes between the present day worries and your initial experience.

Was the situation you described the first time your relationship had temporarily become strained with your parents?

I’m happy that sharing things that have helped my anxiety has been useful and helped you with your own. It has been a pleasure “speaking” with you. ❤️

August 19, 2022 at 9:49 am #405963

anonymous
Participant

@helcat,

thank you! it’s been a pleasure to speak with you too. i’m sorry for the hardships you’re enduring and i hope next week is a much better one for you!

yes, that situation was the first time my relationship was ever strained with my parents. it was very painful for me because it hurt me to disappoint them in any way. it took a while for our relationship to go back to normal and when i did decide to date him later on, it was strained for some time until they eventually caved.

thank you for all your help, truly. i can’t wait to wake up one day and be free of this feeling forever. i hope it doesn’t take much longer! 🙏🏻

August 19, 2022 at 11:15 am #405970

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous!

Thank you!

That makes sense. I can imagine that in your teen years as you began exploring your boundaries that your parents would be uncomfortable with it at first. Many parents are the first time their wonderful daughter goes against their wishes. If you are a first child, they may not have known how to cope well initially.

From previous messages it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mother. Is this correct?

I can imagine that as a teen from a loving family experiencing rejection for the first time from parents in the form of a strained relationship would be quite a painful shock to you. No wonder that you felt that you couldn’t be happy and were in great pain feeling that you had disappointed them.

I don’t think the mistake was yours here. I think that your parents made a very human understandable mistake by straining their relationship with you. But as children we blame ourselves especially if our parents imply that the fault is with us.

The difficulty is that when we are younger our emotions are not very logical. Yet these illogical messages are absorbed and reoccur throughout our lives.

I find that it can be helpful sometimes when rumination triggers occur to remember where the trigger originated. It can be helpful to comfort yourself about it as an adult.

I’m not sure how helpful this will be! But it is the last tip that I can think of sharing.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and correct any misunderstandings.

August 19, 2022 at 12:44 pm #405977

anonymous
Participant

@helcat,

you’ve made a great point. i definitely think you’re right in your analysis and i agree that my parents made a human mistake. i am indeed the first child and my relationship with my mother is very good. i think my parents just didn’t know how to cope with my adolescence so they did the best they could. it’s been helpful to look at this situation through that perspective and i see the similarities.

it’s certainly helpful to remember that i’ve been here before and moved on and that i will do so again.

i feel like the only thing that’s sort of holding me back now is this strange fear that my partner will somehow find out down the line and that’s very scary to me. i haven’t told anyone in my personal life and only my ex knows what went on. he also isn’t the type to say anything. in fact, he made a point to say our conversation had not been “malicious” in any way after the fact. this leads me to believe he wouldn’t say anything to my partner.

i feel so much better now and the guilt is disappearing and i’m moving on, but i’m still scared of this scenario. what do you think?

August 22, 2022 at 1:47 am #405999

Helcat
Participant

Hi Anonymous!

Sorry for the late reply! How are you doing? It’s been a busy weekend. I am looking forward to this calmer week.

I think it’s unlikely that anyone would find out what happened.

I would agree with your ex that the conversation between you was not malicious. Personally, I think that what happened is like your parents, a very human forgivable mistake. If your partner found out, I would expect him to forgive you. If he did not I think it would be throwing away a loving relationship over a small mistake which would be a very big mistake. It is hard to find a good relationship!

I wonder if you have a subconscious fear of rejection stemming from that moment in childhood? What do you think?

This kind of worrying about the worst case is called catastrophising. Usually, for me it is a sign that my anxiety has spiked. It can be helpful to practice self-care to soothe and reduce anxiety.

The “reason” I used to catastrophise is that I believed it would help me prepare for a bad situation if it did actually happen. But this was a lie, I told myself. Really all it does is upset.

I wonder, do you have any reasoning why the carastrophising persists?

I’m glad that you are forgiving yourself and moving on. I hope that you figure out how to manage the catastrophising soon. Wishing you all the best! 🙏

September 21, 2022 at 1:54 pm #407280

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anonymous:

It’s been a month since your last post in this thread. I hope that you are feeling better. I am writing you today because I think that there is something I can add that may be helpful to you and to me.

First, a review of our communication in this thread: in your original post, you shared that sometime during the summer that just passed, you “made a mistake” while being “simply drunk“: you “didn’t ‘cheat’ but came quite close” to cheating on your long-term partner. Your questions were: “is it worth it to tell my partner?… Should I tell or not? and if not… how do I let go of these feelings and move on from this terrible mistake?”

You elaborated on what you referred to as “these feelings” in posts that followed: “the thought of hurting my partner in this way has brought me great shame and regret… feel like irreparably broke something in my relationship… I feel ashamed and not worthy.. do you think I will carry this guilt with me forever?… I just hate myself for putting myself in this situation… whenever I try to act normal, I feel a stabbing pain of guilt inside me… I feel like I did something unforgivable.. I feel anxious all the time“.

I tried to make you feel better about the mistake you made (I called your mistake “ache”, an acronym for the one, singular almost cheating incident) . On Aug 10, I quoted from the bible and made you an offer: ” James 5:16: ‘Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed’ –you don’t need to confess the ache to your partner because it will hurt him and nothing good will come out of it. But you need to confess it to someone so to heal. It so happens that you confessed it to me, and… I forgive you. Next time I make a mistake, I am okay with confessing it to you and asking for your forgiveness. Is it okay with you?”

You answered shortly after: “anita, thank you so much, this has made me feel so much better. and yes please, next time you dele (sic) you did something wrong, I would love to forgive you…I hope your words of forgiveness will sink in for me soon. the Bible verses have also helped me.. I’ve asked God for forgiveness so many times too“.

On Aug 11, I wrote to you: “seems to me that it means that you have a Guilty Core Belief, and that this core belief was formed when you were a child (core beliefs are formed during the formative years of childhood). It is also possible that you suffer from obsessive think”. You answered shortly after: “This would make sense. I’m going to look into the core beliefs and see how I can deal with mine. Maybe I also do suffer from obsessive thinking. I tend to be a perfectionist and am a bit failure averse“.

Your last post addressed to me on this thread was on Aug 16, and it included a red heart emoji: “I wanted to give you a special thank you. when I was first faced with this difficult situation, I looked to this community for guidance and found your name everywhere. thank you for all that you do here, your love and dedication are seen and appreciated. “.

These last 3 sentences that you wrote to me (right above) were sincere, appreciative, kind, affectionate and precious, thank you! I want to elaborate on the review of your thread that I put together in this post, and I would like to do what I said that I am okay doing back in Aug 10 (“Next time I make a mistake, I am okay with confessing it to you and asking for your forgiveness”), but I need to know first (1) if you are reading this post, (2) if you have any idea as to what mistake (and wrongdoing, on my part) I am referring to, and (3) if you are interested that I proceed.

anita
Author

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