Hey guys,

Hope all of you are doing excellent today! =)
Was merely a reader of Tiny Buddha for the past 1 year, but decided to join as a participant now.
There were so much going on in my life for the past few years and even now, and it seems like my life hasn’t stop revolves around tough times!
I’m actually looking for a place that allows me to express myself freely and anonymously without having myself judged or misunderstood. I’m more than happy if you could shed some lights or any feedbacks.
Recently I got a good news from one of my best friend, she excitedly told me that she got a job offer and the salary is at least 20% more of what she is drawing now. And her new employer is willing to do a buy-out to shorten her notice period to her current employer.
The moment I heard about it, well, as much as I wanted to be happy for her but at the same time, I couldn’t help but to feel sorry for myself. It instantly makes me realize how sorry I felt for myself and how disappointing I felt for myself. I’ll be lying if I said I did not feel an ounce of jealousy over this.
About 4 years ago, I rebelliously wanting to get out of my country and live/work overseas, and my wish came true. I was supposed to make it big out there and went home proud. But sadly, this wasn’t the case. I wasn’t doing very good out there, and most of them caused by my obsession of settling with my so-called perfect job and believe me, I feel ashamed of choices I made and the path I took, all the time.
All my life, I feel like I have been looking for something, someone, someplace, and an answer most of all and I’m always in a state of neither here nor there. It causes me losing a great of time and stability in life.
I never wanted to compare but at times in life, you just can’t help it. This friend of mine, she doesn’t have a solid academic background but she is doing so much better than me now.
I still remember her working in a job that doesn’t pay that well about 3 years ago, and after that she got referred to a company, and that was when she started to build her foundation.
I guess my point is, look at her now and look at me?! What have I become? What have I learn? And what have I done that brought me to this shitty condition?
I wanted and longing for so much more in life but sometimes the Universe just couldn’t give them all to me. Or maybe I’m lack of that kind of luck that could smoothen my journey in life. Or maybe…my efforts were simply not enough.
With my plan moving to another country, I thought things would somehow turned up well and more promising. I should have achieved a lot more and I should’ve had more opportunities knocking on my door. With the stronger currency exchange, I should have saved a lot more than my fellows friends back home could. And yet, it is quite the opposite, which is why I was deeply disappointed with myself.
I have yet and yet again failed myself.
Over the past few years, I’ve been kind of living a nomad life where I have been moving places, changing jobs and my emotions were draining me. And the best part is, when all these happened are also exactly the times when all my friends were doing so good in life, and also pretty much the moments when you log into your Instagram or Facebook, you saw so and so who recently got happily married, who has recently given birth, or you have even heard from casual acquaintances that so n so were so successful in life, with handful of properties in their possession and so on and so forth. Moments like these could actually drained you and pull down your self-esteem cos when all you could do is to just sit there and watch rather than having yourself experienced it.
I often wonder when will my time comes…

Love,
CY