Home→Forums→Relationships→When do I stop trying to help him…
- This topic has 13 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Belle.
September 21, 2014 at 11:02 pm #65335
so ive been best friends with this guy for 5 years, we speak everyday, and are therefore each other through everything. When my ex partner committed suicide he was my rock and one of the only reasons I made it out as well as I did through that. He was raised by a Heroin addicted mother and went through an extremely traumatic childhood. I am one of the only people (other then family) that knows what he went through.. I am the only person he can confide in.
for years he has wanted to be more then friends but I was never willing to risk the friendship and was very involved and committed to helping my ex partner through his depression (a fight we unfortunately lost ) about a year ago me and my friend started to become more then friends and begun a relationship. 3 weeks later he left me… cut all contact and completely changed as a person. He treated me terribly, mentally abused me and acted as if I meant nothing too him.
We didn’t speak for 2 months (an extremely hard time for me) and then just before I was due to go overseas for 2 months he came over in tears.. telling me he regretted what he did and he loves me and would never want to lose me again. On my return we begun a relationship again.. 4 weeks later he has now left me.. a second time.
Its been 2 weeks since he left me and he has come to my house 3 times and messaged me everyday saying that he loves me and hes sorry he cant be with me. Last night he come over and was saying he cant stay away and he loves me so much.. but he still cant be with me. He seen his mother for the first time after our break up and immediately calls me upset about the meeting..
What do I do ? I feel like he is just using me but I care so much that I cant just walk away. Someone please helpSeptember 22, 2014 at 12:58 am #65336Yandi LaoParticipant
I don’t know how to help you but if I were you I would try this: Just try to keep a respective distance with him.
If I could go somewhere else and keep myself busy. Try go somewhere that he can’t reach me or call me, but could still text me or email me if he wants to. As a friend, I would still reply mindfully but I won’t get indulge emotionally when he say those sugarcoating words anymore. If he needs someone to express his emotions, I can just be a soundboard and ignore most of that. I would just respond accordingly. That is what friends are for. To help each other out, but not emotionally abusive if he attempts to do so.
This took courage and discipline to have self control on your part, to control how you respond and listen to his words accordingly. Stay calm whenever things get emotional. You had already walked away, you just need to have a tougher head to deal with him. I am sure you will be fine.September 24, 2014 at 9:49 am #65481MariParticipant
Hi Belle, I know your hurting but, you have to be your own advocate. What kind of advice would you give your best friend if she or he came to you with this? I am like you and and I get hurt by people who come crawling back and I take them back, until the day Maya Angelou died. I wasn’t a big fan of hers, but, I started to read some of her quotes, and there was one that resonated with me. “When someone shows you who they are beieve them; the first time” and combined that, with follow my gut. Your gut will never steer you wrong. I hope that you find peace. You may want to keep your distance for awhile, and remember, sometimes people outgrow their purpose in your life, especially if they keep hurting you. Be in peace.
MariSeptember 24, 2014 at 10:14 am #65486KatieParticipant
I’m sorry you’re hurting…I feel for you, being ditched like this by someone you care about so much sucks.
As much as you want to continue to be there for him, is it worth sacrificing your own happiness and well-being? I think he has shown you that he is unreliable and unfortunately someone who is not really safe to have strong feelings for. Can you really develop a relationship with someone who will randomly disappear like that? It is not fair to yourself.
You know, I think about what you must have gone through in the 2 months he wasn’t talking to you. You got yourself through that time when you probably felt hopeless. And by the end of the two months, I bet you were starting to actually feel some semblance of normal again, right? And then BOOM! he drops back in and does it all.over.again. You do not need that person in your life. You deserve more. I agree with Mari above. I think you may have had a healthy friendship with him at one time, but it’s likely he has outgrown his purpose in your life. Again, you deserve more – someone who has the ability to be there for you and support you just like you do for him.
Good luck, do nice things for yourself 🙂September 25, 2014 at 9:26 pm #65599
thanks so much guys, I have told him if he really really needs someone to speak to, considering I know his background I will be there to listen. but other then that id like it if he could give me the space to move on 🙁
I appreciate all of your helpSeptember 27, 2014 at 1:55 pm #65641rosamundiParticipant
“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time” – that sounds like good advice.
But – from what you have said, it seems that you have known him a long time and believed him to be basically a decent person. His childhood background was likely to make it very hard (perhaps unimaginable for him?) to risk trusting someone to really love him – could the rejections in fact have been reflecting just how much he cared about you, but with deep underlying fears that you wouldn’t continue to care back, because of his early experience with his mother?
(For work, I was reading about attachment disorder in children, earlier this week – on/off attachment/rejection of others because it was what they grew up with and they don’t trust themselves to be loveable. Changing those patterns is slow, and hard work – it is possible, but not lightly taken on.)
I can’t begin to imagine how much you are hurting now. Take care of yourself – that sounds trite, but it is heartfelt. I hope there are things that you can do to nurture yourself.September 28, 2014 at 5:01 pm #65706
since writing this, he has again, a third time cut me out of his life. This time he has told me he does not love me as much as I love him and he wants to move away and start a life without me in it. He has asked that I do not contact him anymore as we could never be friends after the way he has treated me. I now have no choice but to move on without him as he has cut all contact 🙁September 28, 2014 at 6:30 pm #65715
Hi @christiebell Belle
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. Please know you are not alone in this.
Some relationships are not meant to be for life long. It is better to let them go and find peace in your heart that better and more fulfilling relationships are on the way.
Do not let anyone (and I am mean anyone) ever dictate your state of happiness. You are on a journey and people will come and go out of our lives just to teach us a valuable lesson – To accept self as we are and to do the same to others and to offer unconditional love to self and others. If you can do that, you are moving ahead. If you cant, you will get stuck in the rut until you get kicked again in a hard way to move forward. Choice is truly in your hands.
Be kind to yourself young lady.
JasmineSeptember 28, 2014 at 6:40 pm #65716
thank you so much for your kind words Jasmine. I know things will get easier, I just feel like ive lost a huge part of my life with him walking out.
I am trying to find the positives but at the moment it doesn’t appear there are any 🙁September 28, 2014 at 6:46 pm #65717
I agree the pain is quite immense now so you wont be able to see any blessings. Let this pain and tears flow until you have none left. Then come back on TB in a few days and we can come up with a list of blessings that have emerged out of this event :). I can already see many blessings and assure you that you will see them too but once the acute pain is out of your system.
JasmineSeptember 28, 2014 at 6:50 pm #65718
Thank you so much 🙁 it helps to know that people understand what I am going through. I feel so lonely right now and confused as to how someone who was once such a big part of my life and cared for me so much can become so cold. I will try keep my head up, I appreciate every kind word from you all.. you make a huge differenceSeptember 28, 2014 at 7:32 pm #65720
Take a tropical storm as an example. It comes, does its work and passes away. A sensible person doesn’t fight the storm as he / she knows it will pass and to just stay safe as much as they can.
Similarly, you are going through an emotional storm. Many questions and thoughts are going to come into your mind and will batter you around. They will try to raise more questions and uncertainty in your mind as that’s what a storm does. A sensible Belle will just let these questions and thoughts and emotions pass through as she knows everything is temporary just like sun, moon, night, day, rain, birth, death, sorrows, happiness, bad times, good times, etc.
The confusion and loneliness is not here to stay either. Let it do its job and pass. You just stay centred and don’t resist any of it. If tears flow, let them flow. If pain comes, let it flow. If you want to shout, do so. If you want to laugh, do so. It will get easier as days pass by. Find some family or friend support for a listening ear if required.
Hang in there.
JOctober 2, 2014 at 4:34 pm #65939Rose TattooParticipant
Ugh, that sounds SOO painful. I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my past, I’ve had some luck chanting things like “I let you go with love” and meditating on my loving thoughts for someone who was no longer in my life, as well as sharing both my loving feelings and my pain with all the people on the planet who are feeling similarly. It helps put things in perspective, and allows you to still feel love for this person (who is obviously in a lot of pain if he’s treated you this way) without needing to be with him.October 5, 2014 at 1:53 am #65996
Thank you rose tattoo, I am in so much pain. He keeps coming into my life and then changing his mind.. now ive found out he has a new girlfriend and he has told me he will never love me again, doesn’t care that he has hurt me and that I need to get out of his life 🙁 I feel so alone and heart broken. He is currently out partying as we speak and has told me I only ruin his day and too much and he has blocked me from being able to contact him at all. I am so confused.. a week ago he loved me 🙁