Hey Eleanor,

I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve experienced and I admire your bravery in speaking out about this. I made a very difficult decision to stop contact with certain family members a few years ago after recognising the terrible impact those relationships were having on my life. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but the more time that goes by, the more I recognised it was one of the kindest and healthiest things I ever did for myself. I still get unwanted contact from the people concerned, which isn’t a pleasant experience, but my life has completely turned around. Of course, I don’t know anything about your situation, so I’m only speaking from my experience, however I think it’s possible for any relationship to pass that point of no return, whether you share the same DNA or not.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced concerns other people’s reactions. Like you said, estrangement from family members is still a taboo topic in our society, and I think it can be very challenging to people’s beliefs around their own family relationships, and provoke their defences, when you say you made the decision to walk away. Having said that, the right people have been incredibly supportive.

I really wish you all the best with your decision, and I hope you’ll do whatever you feel is right for you.

x

Hi Eleanor and Hannah!

I haven’t had a situation where I felt like I had to completely end a relationship with a family member, but I’ve had different times when I realized it was best to create distance and change my relationship–at least in the short-term. It’s definitely wasn’t easy, and I went through many periods when I grieved over what I never had or had to change. But I knew that I could never take care of myself if I didn’t step away from unhealthy relationships and situations.

I also found that creating space without towing a hard line helped a great deal. In other words, I never had a conversation along the lines of, “Don’t call me ever again!” I simply changed how and how often I engaged with those people. By doing that, I kept the door open for things to improve–and over time, they did.

Sending love to you both,

Lori

It’s so funny, I was just having a conversation about this with a friend a couple of days ago. She described her younger sister’s drama-filled, negative behavior towards her and we agreed that it is hard to someone for someone to behave with love, if they don’t love themselves. Understanding this helps us offer compassion and to let go of the relationship with love. This is one of the most valuable insights I received from an Al Anon meeting years ago…Let your heart guide your decision…

• This reply was modified 11 years, 7 months ago by Marilyn Briant-Rockmore.

Here’s a comment from a family member that was left behind when the other person walked away.

My only sister stopped returning my calls and emails without telling me why. There are times when we occasionally meet or end up talking on the phone. During those encounters my sister pretends nothing changed and that no withdrawing on her side ever occurred. I ask questions. She answers them. I say I love her. She says she loves me back. I say I’ll call her next week. She says fine. I call. She never pick up. I write. She doesn’t answer.

And she got this behavior going with her children, my only niece and nephew in my family. They too are estranged while pretending not to be.

And it’s just not to me. My sister and her kids do this to the entire extended family.

So what’s my point? My point is, if a sibling or cousin or aunt or parent wants to change the family boundaries or even cut it off completely, at least explain why.

Irv

• This reply was modified 11 years, 7 months ago by Irving Podolsky.

I grew up without a father, who came home every night after work, started eating before the rest of us, finished, and then promptly adjourned to his workshop to get into his hobbies. He never completed a single father-son project with me. He took the family to those places where families go for weekends in the summer, but his heart wasn’t in it. At my bedtime, he began a novel, reading to me a chapter a night for four nights, then stopped those so important nocturnal connections.

He never started a conversation with me or stuck around if I started it. He didn’t enjoy my company, or my sister’s. Dad was all about Dad.

Today he’s senile at 95, but still mentally equipped to treat my mother like he always did – his maid.

NOW loves me, or so he says. NOW he wants my company and attention. NOW I can’t stand him but do the right thing and lie, treating him with pseudo respect and telling him I love him.

When he dies, I won’t care and I’ll be happy on behalf of my mother. He never gave us his love and now no one loves him back.

Irv

Correct , we all have limited energy , share it mostly with people who enrich us, not drain us