Hello everyone. I have been coming to Tiny Buddha for a while for insight, and attempting to meditate on my own, but I just have so many problems weighing on my life at this time, I figure I would just write it all out for some clarity and possibly feedback from others.

A week ago, I had a nervous breakdown, lost my jobs, alienated myself from my friends, or the closest thing I had to friends, and landed in the hospital because I lapsed on my sobriety and decided to drink to an almost lethal level and black out. “Decided” is maybe the wrong word…it just happened. I just broke. I have been sharing a room in a house I despise with my boyfriend who struggles to pay even 20% of our rent and food costs (because he is a musician who will not deign to get solid work), and every weekend the roommates come home wasted from the bar and I can’t sleep, when I had to wake up in the morning to work doubles waitressing to make ends meet. So last Sunday, without thinking, I cracked under the pressure, drank until I lost my mind, and now I have been hiding in bed trying to figure out what to do next.

The buildup to this was probably obvious– even when you live in sunny California, if all you ever do is work and sleep and eat, it feels futile to pay so much and I have been miserable because I feel like i have lost my joie de vivre. We used to live at the beach which eased my depression because all I had to do was walk to the shore to feel connection to the greater whole. Now, living in a filthy home in far from the beach, with no car or way to get anywhere, I have been trapped. Yesterday I attempted to go to a Meditation Recovery meeting but just ended up walking for an hour to a bus stop and back, as the bus never came. I planned all week to do that but the logistics of transportation without a vehicle thwarted me.
I used to love to paint but I have no room and all I ever do is try to make it clean here, but chaos and slovenly living reigns no matter how hard I try. I love nature, music, art, and spirituality, but it seems that my computer screen is my only connection to these. Making my way alone in L.A. is just too hard.

To add to all this pressure, although my boyfriend is a kind person, he is brutally honest and after a year living together (me supporting his dreams of musical success by working extra), he still does not love me. I felt like it would all be worth it if only I could hear those words from him, but he conflates love with marriage and of course he doesn’t want to promise himself to an emotional wreck like me. I am turning 32 next month and am afraid I will never attain the stability and peace in my life to make me a viable, sane mother, which although it is embarrassing to admit, is really my biggest goal in life in this point. It’s so far away.

Anyway, a week after my breakdown, I know I can’t stay in this house, but I have no where to go that seems much better. Though I was very social and outgoing through my twenties, now all I want is a peaceful place for a sanctuary all my own where I can cook, meditate, read, and make art. Maybe if I build myself up personally I will be able to socialize again and not feel utterly bored and irritated by the shallowness of others, but right now I have nothing to offer others, not to mention I am too humiliated to show my face after losing my mind in front of everyone, blacked out, screaming, hauled away to the hospital. But with only two thousand dollars in my bank account, I don’t have enough to move anywhere alone. I scour craigslist for rooms for rent, yet I am too shy to put on a happy face and introduce myself to complete strangers, plus now I am unemployed and dread the idea of seeking yet another restaurant job.

My father has invited me to come stay with him for a while, but the problem there is complete and total isolation in a small town. I guess I could focus on art and set up an ebay business to make some income off of antiques he needs to sell, but I am terrified by the prospect of cold lonely nights missing my boyfriend. I can’t stay here though. I wish the two of us could make a move together, but the onus is totally on me to make a change, as my boyfriend has low standards of living, is content in this dirty domicile, and points out that our cats love it here. And if I go to stay with my dad, that is not a sustainable solution; it will just be a break, then I will need to return to L.A. to the same situation (albeit maybe refreshed) or to pack up my belongings and go somewhere new.

I was tempted just to buy a ticket to Hawaii, since they are cheap right now, stay in a hostel and look for work but I don’t think I have the inner strength to take that path all by myself, especially since I have run away before and I always end up needing to borrow money to start over again.

I guess I’m just rambling now, but typing it out helps it make a little more sense. I don’t have any answers. I just want to be myself again, someone happy, someone productive, worthwhile, calm…

Should I stick it out here, since it’s cheap, or just leave everything behind and hope something better will come?