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Who Am I ?

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 1 day ago.

Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #321153

    Luke
    Participant

    Well, no. But what am I going to do say she can’t go out with her friends? I don’t have the right to do that. Whenever I said anything about it from a protective angle like. ‘hey, maybe don’t drink too much cause you might not know where you are or someone might take advantage of you’ It was met with accusations of me trying to control her. When I said about the guy grinding on her that letting the guy do it meant that he thinks its okay and that it might have been dangerous if he then followed her somewhere. She said I was worrying over nothing because nothing happened. Feel like sometimes she got her fun going out and being herself and her security from me and that’s all she needed from me.

    #321163

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    I need to be away from the computer for the next 17 hours or so. Feel free to add anything to your thread, to post anytime with more of your thoughts and feelings. I will read all and reply when I am back.

    anita

    #321303

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    When your wife repeatedly went out at night without you to dance and drink in clubs and after the clubs, she “ended up in random people’s apartments”, and within all that activity she and others were drinking alcohol and a guy grinded against her at least that one time, I’d say this was a practice fitting an open marriage, open at least on her end. I asked you yesterday if you were okay with that, and your answer was “Well, no”- well it shouldn’t have been the practice then. The two people in a marriage have to  be okay with an open marriage arrangement, not just one of the two.

    You wrote: “But what am I going to do say she can’t go out with her friends?”- if going out with her friends meant going out in the daytime or early evening to the mall, or for a casual meal or coffee together, or go to a yoga class, sure, you shouldn’t have told her not to do that.

    But meeting friends and strangers at night and into the early morning, starting in night clubs, drinking alcohol and dancing, and from the clubs proceeding to the apartments of those strangers so  to continue drinking and whatnot, that is a very different scenario.

    “She said I was worrying over nothing because nothing happened”- well, when a person drinks alcohol throughout the night and into the early morning, surrounded by friends and strangers alike, dancing, at least  once grinding against another, well… such a context of activity is famous for a whole lot of things happening (vs “nothing happened”), I mean it is common knowledge.

    anita

    #321413

    Luke
    Participant

    I don’t think either of us saw it as an open marriage thing. She just wanted to let loose and blow off steam and that’s how she did it. She came from an Eastern European background and College Years in the UK which often involves a lot of drinking and partying. Is how it was either presented or how I was accepting it I guess.

    She had a big deal with me suggesting she not do anything. I wasn’t really able to ask her to do or not do anything without an accusation of trying to control her or a situation. Even if It was to her benefit. She would ask my opinion every now and again, but I never felt like it was of value and maybe she was just fishing for compliments in some cases. To not seem like a grouch or like I was trying to control her, I didn’t speak up about things like that. It never ended well. I’d get a bit passive aggressive sometimes and withdraw when I felt like I wasn’t being listened to. She upset me a lot when she took herself off to NewYork over Christmas because her Parent’s divorce made her hate Christmas and she didn’t want to celebrate it anymore. She wanted me to go with her but my parents had just moved into a new house and I wanted to spend Christmas with my family and not run and hide in NewYork. She said she was grateful that I understood the situation, but I don’t actually fully understand the mindset there.

    Feel like I have been gliding past a bunch of stuff in life and not really understood things as they are.

    #321501

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    Interesting, isn’t it, that al the while she accused you “of trying to control her or a situation”, she herself was controlling you or a situation. She accused you and you “didn’t speak up about things… and withdraw”- she controlled you.

    Basically, you were married to a controlling, selfish woman.

    “Who am I?” is the title of your thread. If you are not controlled, not the accommodating person that you have been to her, who are you?

    A man who is learning, I hope, to speak up, to voice his beliefs and his values, to assert himself in any relationship, so that every relationship is a win-win prospect (unlike your marriage, having been a lose- win prospect, lose for you, win for her).

    Regarding her going to New York for Christmas, her purpose was probably the usual, to “let loose and blow off steam”, in night clubs, dancing and drinking, and proceed from there to those high rise random apartments so to continue the party.

    anita

     

    #321615

    Luke
    Participant

    I guess so. I’m trying to see things more for how they are. When you’re in the midst of everything you don’t rationalize in the same way. Also are petrified that they are going to leave you as well. I’d always had a beggars can’t be choosers view of it, in that If someone has finally committed to marrying me and moving across from the UK with me I can forgive some behaviour that isn’t ideal. Still not feeling confident that I will find that again. Although she has fully jumped ship I’m still having a part of me wish I could wake up and have it all back to ‘normal’. Also still feeling like, how bad was our situation that she had to do it in such an abrupt way. She already kind of had a place ready to go. She said she thought that I would just kick her out at the moment of her coming out so I guess thats what she was thinking at the time. Keep feeling that there’s also something that I did wrong.

    #321623

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luke:

    I don’t think it is something you did wrong with this woman. I think the problem is that you consider yourself a beggar (“I’d always had a beggars can’t be choosers view of it”). As long as you see yourself as unworthy of honest, trustworthy kind of love, you will be willing to settle for what is not honest and not trustworthy.

    “Who am I?”- worthy of honest, trustworthy love, I dare say. You just don’t know it yet.

    anita

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