Dear Felix:

“Why am I always too shy”- because you are afraid of being rejected.

“how do I fix this”?- you can’t fix fear. But you can do what is right for you even though you feel fear.

What is right for you in this case: to message this girl, keep your message friendly but not overly friendly, and keep  it short, inviting her to respond to something that you wrote to her.

If she answers- repeat with a short, friendly message, in which you invite her to respond to something you wrote.

If she doesn’t answer-you are in no different situation than before you messaged her. No loss to you. The gain is that you took some action, and that will build your courage.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .

Dear Felix:

“she’s the same height as me.. her parents might tell her why she get herself a short boy.. whenever I don’t think about relationship stuff, I feel happier.. But I don’t wanna stay single forever”-

– what is stopping you from contacting this  girl is not that she is thinking that you are short, or that her parents are thinking that you are short. What is stopping you is that you are thinking that you are short.

And when you think that, you get scared that she (and her parents) will reject you. When you get scared, you feel unhappy and troubled.

Here is a choice that is not available to you: growing further and becoming taller.

Here are two choices that are available to you:

1. Give up on the idea of having a girlfriend and a wife and accept the life of a single man.

2. Apply courage and act in spite of your fear: it will be very difficult but if you persist, you may find yourself with a girlfriend/ wife, having a good relationship.

anita

Dear Felix:

Fear always finds reasons to justify itself: if she will not reject you for your height, she will reject you because your family is not big enough. These are not the only two reasons your fear can come up with, there can easily be other reasons.

Courage puts aside all those reasons and focus on acting in spite of the fear.

Try to calm yourself down with this thought: you do  not have a girlfriend now. If you reach out to her and she rejects you (for any reason!)- you will.. not have a girlfriend.

– You don’t have a girlfriend before you courageously reach out to her; you don’t have a girlfriend after you reach out to her- nothing has changed. Nothing changed except for you exercising courage.

Exercising courage will lessen your fear over time, motivate you to more action, and increase your chances of having a girlfriend some time along the way.

anita

Dear Felix:

Some women prefer that a man’s family is smaller, other women prefer a big family and yet, some other women don’t care either way, or didn’t consider it. You can ask the woman you are interested in and find out her answer.

anita

Hi Felix,

Hope you did take a look at my response on your other post about the issues “you think” you have about your height.

Regarding this post,

Really it comes to down everything that @Brandy said. Your fear of rejection, your insecurities about being short and doubts about your family – This girl is not going to fix you (or for you). You definitely will have to be happy with yourself, the way you are or if something is in your control start making changes in your life that will make you happy. Or accept the way about the things that are not in your control (like height). See my other post, you always have the control over your thoughts no matter how worse a situation is.

And yes even if she goes ahead and marries you there is no guarantee that you will be peaceful and in acceptance with yourself. And only if YOU are happy and joyful you will be able to extend that happiness towards her and towards your married life and then in the outside world.

Also @anita has given you two valid options and you have chosen the second one.

But your fears and insecurities are holding grip of you.

You are stuck and on the fence.

And you also do not want to be in “inaction” and lose the girl because of your shyness and other fears.

So then what to do?

“While” you follow the things mentioned in @Brandy’s post about improving yourself, and it is also in line with the action you chose from @anita’s post, I suggest you one more thing-

Do the smallest thing that you will be able to do to get in touch with her. That should be absolutely smallest step. This step (or whatever you do) should be so small that it doesn’t bother you. It should be like “Okay so what if I do this. That’s fine.” It could be just liking her photos. Or maybe just a “clap” smiley. Or maybe just writing one word on her post as “Good” or “Nice”. I will not know what that would be for you about which step will not make you anxious. You would know that. Maybe you are already hitting likes on her pics. Then take the next smallest step.

Your mind is currently thinking of a very large scenario about things that have not even happened. And that is what causes  negative emotions like fear, anxiety or shyness. And this happens to everyone of us.

Taking a very small step deceives our brains’ built-in resistance to new behaviors.

For now keep doing this and do not think of any long conversations or chit-chats that you had planned. But do not look or sound too clingy that you are responding to every single post of hers and liking every photo, etc. Clingyness is not love. Also learn to stay detached yet having the feeling of love. Also keep in mind that along side you are going to work on yourself based on the above post or anything else that you like and makes you happy.

You will soon become comfortable with those single word replies of yours and then its time to take the next smallest step. maybe two words now -“Very nice”.

This technique is the Kaizen way. It may be slow but the results are long term. You can apply this to any other issues too.

There are definite chances that even she may approach talking to you after seeing your responses. Or there may come a time that you are fine or just comfortable enough to start a conversation with her.

Now, because you have also mentioned that she is in another country, you won’t know what’s really going on in her life about things like whether she is seeing somebody or not. So if you think you are making slow progress and that she will slip away from you then in that case it becomes a “do-or-die” situation and you will have to forget everything and muster the courage to speak up to her.

This is all life is about my friend with all of its complications and insecurities, for every one of us

Keep posting your progress.

Thanks.