April 28, 2020 at 11:14 am #351930
So recently i’m interested in a girl (she went into the same high school as me, she is 2 years younger), she’s now in university abroad in different country. I always saw her in my insta story, and i keep getting attracted to her and also in how she does things in her daily life (she keeps posting her daily life, and i kind of like her personality). We both know each other.. but only barely know as we went to the same high school and i’m her senior. Because she studies abroad, i really wanna approach her through social media, but im too shy to do so… even if it’s only having chit chat with her.. by replying to her insta stories. I always overthink, that her friends might judge me (my physical appearance) for chasing her… and maybe they could say that i’m not good enough (i keep thinking like this, and i haven’t even started chasing her). I’m always too shy to approach.
I always though that it’s better to approach a girl with no mutuals of my friends as this one is from the same highschool, so there’s quite many mutuals. But even so, i previously have been attracted to a girl with very little mutuals, and i still think in the same way… still shy to approach, and keep thinking that her friends might judge me (my physical appearance). I don’t know why i keep thinking this way… even though my mind keeps telling me that if i keep thinking this way… i’ll never ever start approaching and in the end it will be a regret. I always tend to overthink future stuffs even though i havent even started any actions… as i’m quite a cautious person (anything needs to be planned).April 28, 2020 at 11:41 am #351934
“Why am I always too shy”- because you are afraid of being rejected.
“how do I fix this”?- you can’t fix fear. But you can do what is right for you even though you feel fear.
What is right for you in this case: to message this girl, keep your message friendly but not overly friendly, and keep it short, inviting her to respond to something that you wrote to her.
If she answers- repeat with a short, friendly message, in which you invite her to respond to something you wrote.
If she doesn’t answer-you are in no different situation than before you messaged her. No loss to you. The gain is that you took some action, and that will build your courage.
April 28, 2020 at 12:12 pm #351944
- This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
* didn’t reflect under topicsApril 28, 2020 at 9:32 pm #352042
Thanks for the advice i’ll keep that in mind.
And there’s another problem that i can’t take my mind off, is that she’s the same height as me… i’m really attracted to her now and i wanna approach her but this issue keep stoping me to make a move. I’m thinking of a lot of stuffs, as maybe she could dislike that she must adjust her heels if wanna be with same height, her parents might tell her why she get herself a short boy, etc —> do u think i shouldn’t think this way?April 28, 2020 at 10:32 pm #352048
And also whenever i dont think about relationship stuffs, i feel happier and i can do any activities without feeling pressured. Should i think this way? But i dont wanna stay single forever.April 29, 2020 at 6:19 am #352076
“she’s the same height as me.. her parents might tell her why she get herself a short boy.. whenever I don’t think about relationship stuff, I feel happier.. But I don’t wanna stay single forever”-
– what is stopping you from contacting this girl is not that she is thinking that you are short, or that her parents are thinking that you are short. What is stopping you is that you are thinking that you are short.
And when you think that, you get scared that she (and her parents) will reject you. When you get scared, you feel unhappy and troubled.
Here is a choice that is not available to you: growing further and becoming taller.
Here are two choices that are available to you:
1. Give up on the idea of having a girlfriend and a wife and accept the life of a single man.
2. Apply courage and act in spite of your fear: it will be very difficult but if you persist, you may find yourself with a girlfriend/ wife, having a good relationship.
anitaApril 29, 2020 at 11:51 am #352122
How you answer my questions, sums up all of it correctly.. and i’m thankful that someone understands my situation.
Regarding the 2 options u said, i always knew that no. 2 is always what i wanted… it’s just that i never had the courage to do so… but i’ll try and i hope i can really have that courage and not just imagining the courage in my head only.
And also there’s another issue that is still in my head, it’s regarding my family.. when i saw that girl’s facebook… i saw that every year her family is gathering to celebrate her great grandfather birthday.. and i saw lots of family members and i guess that means she has a big family. When i saw that picture, i feel troubled also because my family that’s in good relationship is basically only 4 of us (my mom, dad and my sister) basically only my small family. My dad’s siblings is not on good terms with us and my mother is an only child. I’m afraid that this could be an issue also that she could reject me due to my family relationships.
Do u think i think too much before starting an action on her? Or is this really an issue?
My cautions mind keeps thinking of any part that i should fix to have a better chance.April 29, 2020 at 12:33 pm #352138
Fear always finds reasons to justify itself: if she will not reject you for your height, she will reject you because your family is not big enough. These are not the only two reasons your fear can come up with, there can easily be other reasons.
Courage puts aside all those reasons and focus on acting in spite of the fear.
Try to calm yourself down with this thought: you do not have a girlfriend now. If you reach out to her and she rejects you (for any reason!)- you will.. not have a girlfriend.
– You don’t have a girlfriend before you courageously reach out to her; you don’t have a girlfriend after you reach out to her- nothing has changed. Nothing changed except for you exercising courage.
Exercising courage will lessen your fear over time, motivate you to more action, and increase your chances of having a girlfriend some time along the way.
anitaApril 29, 2020 at 11:52 pm #352236
Yes i understand your theory in “You don’t have a girlfriend before you courageously reach out to her; you don’t have a girlfriend after you reach out to her- nothing has changed. Nothing changed except for you exercising courage.”, i’ll keep that in mind.
Regarding the family issue that i mentioned before, do u think it’ll be an obstacle for me?… especially if i’m chasing a girl (with a family with a better relationship/bigger family and in harmony condition).April 30, 2020 at 5:24 am #352254
Some women prefer that a man’s family is smaller, other women prefer a big family and yet, some other women don’t care either way, or didn’t consider it. You can ask the woman you are interested in and find out her answer.
anitaApril 30, 2020 at 11:50 am #352300BrandyParticipant
I don’t think you should message her at this time.
Every single day around the world girls are falling for guys who are short, shy, and have small families, so these aren’t relationship deal-breakers, but if this girl responds positively to your message, your fear of rejection will not disappear. Neither will your insecurities about being short. And neither will your doubts about your family. This girl is not going to fix you.
If you’re comfortable in your own skin, focused on being your best self, and generally happy in your life, you’ll feel less fear when approaching a girl because in the event that she rejects you, you’ll still be comfortable in your own skin, focused on being your best self, and generally happy in your life. Conversely, if you lack focus and find yourself and your life unbearable, you’ll feel considerable fear when approaching a girl because if she rejects you, you’re back to square one, still lacking focus and stuck all alone inside your unbearable self and life.
…and if she doesn’t reject you, your happiness will be short-lived because you’ll always be worried that she will wake up one morning and suddenly see you the same way you see yourself. Your insecurities will not disappear once you’re in a relationship.
You ask “how do I fix this?”:
1) Make a list of the qualities you admire most and then decide to be that person. These may include integrity, honesty, resilience, kindness, humility, sense of humor, or not, but make the list. Focus on being the person you want to be starting right now.
2) Meditate daily and educate yourself on mindfulness. The more mindful you are, the less you will suffer.
3) Exercise vigorously every day.
4) Be patient. Give it time. See what happens.
Your problems are fixable. Fix them first, then message her.
BApril 30, 2020 at 10:56 pm #352434RaviParticipant
Hope you did take a look at my response on your other post about the issues “you think” you have about your height.
Regarding this post,
Really it comes to down everything that @Brandy said. Your fear of rejection, your insecurities about being short and doubts about your family – This girl is not going to fix you (or for you). You definitely will have to be happy with yourself, the way you are or if something is in your control start making changes in your life that will make you happy. Or accept the way about the things that are not in your control (like height). See my other post, you always have the control over your thoughts no matter how worse a situation is.
And yes even if she goes ahead and marries you there is no guarantee that you will be peaceful and in acceptance with yourself. And only if YOU are happy and joyful you will be able to extend that happiness towards her and towards your married life and then in the outside world.
Also @anita has given you two valid options and you have chosen the second one.
But your fears and insecurities are holding grip of you.
You are stuck and on the fence.
And you also do not want to be in “inaction” and lose the girl because of your shyness and other fears.
So then what to do?
Do the smallest thing that you will be able to do to get in touch with her. That should be absolutely smallest step. This step (or whatever you do) should be so small that it doesn’t bother you. It should be like “Okay so what if I do this. That’s fine.” It could be just liking her photos. Or maybe just a “clap” smiley. Or maybe just writing one word on her post as “Good” or “Nice”. I will not know what that would be for you about which step will not make you anxious. You would know that. Maybe you are already hitting likes on her pics. Then take the next smallest step.
Your mind is currently thinking of a very large scenario about things that have not even happened. And that is what causes negative emotions like fear, anxiety or shyness. And this happens to everyone of us.
Taking a very small step deceives our brains’ built-in resistance to new behaviors.
For now keep doing this and do not think of any long conversations or chit-chats that you had planned. But do not look or sound too clingy that you are responding to every single post of hers and liking every photo, etc. Clingyness is not love. Also learn to stay detached yet having the feeling of love. Also keep in mind that along side you are going to work on yourself based on the above post or anything else that you like and makes you happy.
You will soon become comfortable with those single word replies of yours and then its time to take the next smallest step. maybe two words now -“Very nice”.
This technique is the Kaizen way. It may be slow but the results are long term. You can apply this to any other issues too.
There are definite chances that even she may approach talking to you after seeing your responses. Or there may come a time that you are fine or just comfortable enough to start a conversation with her.
Now, because you have also mentioned that she is in another country, you won’t know what’s really going on in her life about things like whether she is seeing somebody or not. So if you think you are making slow progress and that she will slip away from you then in that case it becomes a “do-or-die” situation and you will have to forget everything and muster the courage to speak up to her.
This is all life is about my friend with all of its complications and insecurities, for every one of us
Keep posting your progress.
Thanks.May 25, 2020 at 10:17 am #356786
When i approach her later on, i hope i can find out the answer from her.May 25, 2020 at 10:32 am #356788
1. Your fear of rejection, your insecurities about being short and doubts about your family – This girl is not going to fix you (or for you)
2. Even if she goes ahead and marries you there is no guarantee that you will be peaceful and in acceptance with yourself. And only if YOU are happy and joyful you will be able to extend that happiness towards her and towards your married life and then in the outside world.
= Both of these words from you have swift a bit of my mindset, right now i’m trying to accept it… it’s really hard. When i find someone grow taller than me (kids so much younger than me) i still feel pain but i guess now i can accept that pain by trying to think something else. But if someone describe myself as “short” i still can’t accept it, i’ll end up feeling anxiety even though what they say that i’m short is true.
As for the girl, i still haven’t texted/replied her insta stories, when i can start to text her i’ll always end up delaying in by saying “maybe another day”… like i’m feeling lazy to text her as it’ll used up my mind thinking her… but i also feel that i might regret it.
And also i have a new insecurities, i feel envy for that girl who studies abroad (she is in japan now), i’ve always liked japan and i envy that she can go uni there whereas i study in abroad which is only 1 hour from my country that my parents make sure that i go back to my hometown to continue their business and here i am in the hometown right now.. what i envy is that as she’s a girl she can have her own path of life. idk why im feeling like this, some of my friends said that i should be grateful that my parents have a business and i can do my job easily (relax) here… it’s just that i feel so bored in this town (like really bored as it’s a small town), like i feel sad i end up here again and i dont make many friends here, like i really wanna explore more… but i know as i’m a lazy person i’ll end up going back here as it’s the best scenario for me. But again i still feel bored here.
I also feel bored here that i still can’t find a girl for me here in this town, is this a sign of immaturity?
i also feel that i might have no chance for her… as she have studied japanese language since she’s in highschool and right now she’s in uni… when she does this i have a feeling that she wants to have a life and family there (if not why would she study the language and have uni there). And after studying so hard there, why would she wanna go back to her hometown isn’t it?June 2, 2020 at 8:44 am #357221RaviParticipant
Yes you are on the right track about starting to think that she has her life of her own, whether she may or may not come back from where she is, and many other things. You mentioned you haven’t contacted here yet. Try the ‘Kaizen way’ method I’ve suggested you.
Regarding your height, I have seen a blind person getting married, another with other health conditions, another who has already passed the marriagable age but got married the first time. So many such things do happen and height does not really matter, unless it matters to “your mind”.
Yes I can understand it is difficult to get it out of the mind. But then what would you do if a glass has hot water and you want to make it cool or warm in order to drink it. If it is full, you would pour (let go) some water out and fill (replace) it with cold or normal water. Likewise you need to let go of something that is in your mind and replace it with something else that you like, love to do and enjoy life. Or simply continoulsy replace it with things you like and love to do and the water will overflow and what remains in the glass after a while is cold water. When you do that you will find that you have met the love of your life. I am not saying this for the sake of saying. You yourself can try doing that. Just start. “Beginning is half-done”.
I had posted a video on your other post for you to take a look at. That post is buried somewhere now.
Here I am posting the link once.
You might even get goosebumps after you watch it.