Why am I bothered by this persons judgments

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 17, 2016 at 7:57 pm #107555

Learning
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I’m in my late 20s and trying to figure out who I am. It’s been mission of mine for quite sometime. I feel like everyday I learn something about myself a huge part of that I owe to my little one. He has taught me what unconditional love is and that it really is the little things in life that matter. I am learning to detach myself from things that I felt make me happy and contribute to my happiness. I’m understanding that happiness truly comes from within. When I was in my teens I met someone who I admire and still do. Their strength their knowledge their grace and love, everything I hope to have with time. This person also served as a rude awaking..without having known my story or anything about my life they said to me I know who you are. That impacted me in a way because I didn’t even know who I was so how could this person know me. With all the respect I have for this person I allowed them to sit there and tell me things about myself and my family that i beg to differ. But because I didn’t know who I am I believed every negative thing they had to say about me. Not until a couple years ago I began to realize I am not this person that they say I am. And i am done trying to prove that to anyone else. The only person that knows me is myself and God. I did not grow up in a happy home and my family was poor. When I moved to the states my parents worked and accomplished the American Dream they bought their own house. This person came and saw what we had and I can’t help but wonder if that is what impacted their judgments about me? But they had no idea the struggles we went through only God does. my question is why does it still bother me? I can’t seem to let it go even though I know I should. Why do I care so much about what they think about me?

June 17, 2016 at 8:38 pm #107560

Anonymous
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Dear learningeveryday:

You asked at the end of your post why you care so much about what that person thinks about you. By that person you are referring to that someone you met when you were a teen: “When I was in my teens I met someone who I admire and still do. Their strength their knowledge their grace and love”
– Well if you still admire that person, thinking the person is strong, graceful and loving, no wonder you care about what he/ she thinks.

What is it about this person that makes him/ her admirable in your eyes?

Tell me about his/ her strength, grace and love…?

And who does this person thinks you are?

anita

June 18, 2016 at 5:42 am #107578
Inky
Participant
Hi learningeveryday,

It’s only natural to want to gain approval in the eyes of someone you admire.

And it’s *because* they are so awesome that their words carried more weight.

Then, when you later respectfully disagree, you are putting yourself in a weird way “higher” than them… But that cannot be, can it? says the voice in your head.

Also, there is the shame of being seen as so two dimensional that someone else thinks they have “your number”.

Lastly, there is the small part of you that agrees with them, otherwise it wouldn’t bother you so much. (If they called you a striped giraffe, you wouldn’t take it personally, you’d think they were nuts!)

If you really care what they think, is it possible to write them your family’s REAL story? Say you’re writing an article for publication, and want them to edit it, and that there’s MORE! Then you’re setting the record straight AND showing them that you are multi dimensional.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
June 18, 2016 at 8:03 am #107589

Maria Mango
Participant

Hi there Learningeveryday (that’s a really great name to go by by the way :),

I think that it’s really important to be asking why this person’s judgement affects you so much because it shows a maturity and will undoubtedly lead you to a new level of growth!

On that note, I would ask not just what is it specifically about that person that made you desire their approval from a young age even though they are not (presumably) a parent or a relative? I went through the exact same situation (I’m not just saying that, when I read this I was like “whoa that’s me”). When I was young my father died and my mother had a long lasting mental breakdown, all of this led to the young adult me really craving attention and acceptance from someone, anyone who was not my family. This made me easy prey for someone very similar to the person you described.

SO I would ask you, is there something from the difficult upbringing you spoke of, a need that was not fulfilled for you as a child that this person seems to provide you? If yes, that may be why you once accepted the judgement because this person once was a stand in but now you are outgrowing that and questioning things (which is always good).

Keep your head up and never stop challenging yourself!! You are not alone 🙂

Cheers,

M

June 19, 2016 at 10:18 am #107674

Learning
Participant

Thank you all for your replies, your answers definetly gave me some insight.

June 19, 2016 at 8:31 pm #107733

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, learningeveryday.
anita
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