Why Cant I Be Satisfied?

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This topic has 19 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 26, 2016 at 11:01 am #93810
Dina
Participant
Hi everyone,

This is my first post..I’ve never really attempted to seek help on forums before, but I thought it would be interesting to try, so here I go. Be kind! This is scary for me.

I feel that I am never satisfied. I just started as a temp at my dream job and I’m already worrying about how I can convert to full-time (mind you, Ive been here for less than 2 months). I was worried about finding a place close to work and found somewhere to move in the span of 24 hours that I really really like, yet I’m annoyed it will take me a few weeks to actually move in. I have been in and out of relationships (which I would imagine is normal of someone in her early 20s), and I finally met someone who is kind and loving and great. We have been together for 4 months and I’m currently “living” with him while I wait for my new place, but have found in living with him that his depressions and unhappiness with where he is in life currently annoy me. I’ve been told by a psychologist that I tend to run when things are not easy, so I can never tell if I want to end my relationships without working on them, or if it’s a sign to move on when I start doubting things like this. I’m terrified of wasting my time or someone else’s time.

All in all, from an outside perspective, I have a great job, home, loving family and boyfriend. But internally I’m struggling. There’s always a problem, and I cant stop thinking ten steps ahead. He’s proud of what I’ve achieved but he’s also jealous. He’s stuck in his job for valid reasons, but will there always be valid reasons or is this temporary? Will he hold me back from the things I want to achieve because of his jealousy? Am I looking for excuses to leave or is this just my nature? I always have doubts..no matter who I’m with or how great the guy is. Is this how it will always be for me, or will I magically just “know”? If I don’t already “know”, am I wasting my time? Am I completely insane, or can someone out there relate to this?

Thank you for listening/reading. Any helpful comments welcome 🙂

(ps to whoever had replied on this thread before, I had to create a new account. I would love to read the response again – It was helpful)
- This topic was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Dina.
January 26, 2016 at 11:35 am #93815

Adam P
Participant

(Holds hand out)

Hi there Dina,
Welcome and congratulations on overcoming your fear of posting something personal and looking for help. If there’s one thing that you can take away from this post is that you just conquered one of your fears. Implant that in your mind and use it for continuing growth and success. As for the other matters in your life. Regarding your job, it has been only 2 months but you can leave a big impact within the 6 months or so of work by showing your dedication and strong work ethic to the company. If this is your dream job, then show up to work earlier/ stay late or volunteer to work overtime. One huge thing companies look at along with that would be your moral and the effect your behavior has on your co workers, management, etc. Anyone can show up to work everyday and work, but people may not want to be in contact with them, understand?
Regarding you and your boyfriend, from what I read you guys dated for 4 months and now you two are living together. And NOW you are just beginning to see the depression, jealousy, etc am I correct with this? With this situation, yes jealousy and depression are slowly accumulating inside of him and if you are going to give it your all with this dream job so that you will be permanent, it is a possible that he could go off like a time bomb in the future. He is responsible for all of that and it would be best to sit down with him and communicate how both of you need to improve. You with your lack of satisfaction and him with his negative mindset/thinking. After time goes by and later in the year when you’re a full time employee and if your bf is still displaying depression and jealously, it may be time to rethink the relationship because his jealously will come out like a knife and be directed at you.

Thank you and take care.

January 26, 2016 at 11:42 am #93817

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dina:

I was wondering where your post and my reply disappeared to…

I asked you in my reply regarding your sentence: ” from an outside perspective, I have a great job, home, loving family and boyfriend.” My question is: can you tell me about the outside perspective about your loving family? And then from the inside perspective? This can be useful…

anita

January 26, 2016 at 11:44 am #93818

Dina
Participant

Hi Adam,

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them and will definitely keep them with me!

You’re right about communicating with my boyfriend. I also have anxiety and definitely can be more negative when I’m struggling with something. The truth is, he is a very loving person who is always willing to sit down and talk. I’ve expressed to him my feelings and he was very understanding of them. We made a decision to spend time every day working on goals we would like to achieve. It was a very productive conversation, and you would think it would alleviate my stressful thoughts.

However, for some reason I’m still nervous. I think perhaps I am prematurely ending the relationship in my mind and assuming things wont change without giving them time. I’m not the most patient person 🙂

January 26, 2016 at 11:52 am #93819

Dina
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you for reposting 🙂 Let me see if I can answer this.

The outside perspective here I suppose would mostly be from my peers and my family. My peers (my coworkers) look at my life as wonderful, however, they dont know too much about it in depth. My family is a double edged sword. I always look to them for advice and often come out feeling just a bit more anxious. My father’s advice to me was first “it looks like youre over the relationship and trying to find out” and then “just chill. experience is never wasted time if he doesnt end up being the one you marry. every guy you have been with is an improvement of the last. you are special..etc..”. My sister told me “It sounds to me like he is depressed. You need to be more supportive of him. Relationships are give and take and you need to support one another. Right now, he is the one who needs the support. Then, after, you can bring up your needs”. This was her advice after I had told her that I havent been happy in a long time and this is the first time in years I have been this happy..making it difficult for me to be around someone who is struggling. Then I spoke to my nanny (from childhood) who told me it’s likely a cause of living with him too soon and that these fears could subside when I move into my new place.

Internally is the constant fear that I am making the wrong choice. I am not the most decisive person, and it’s especially bad in my relationships. I tend to be 110% or nothing in my relationships. Im either way too in, losing myself in the process, or completely uninterested in which case I break up immediately. I consulted a psychiatrist for some time who has put me on zoloft to help ease my anxiety (I used to get daily frequent panick attacks). He told me that I have an overactive fight-or-flight response and that I need to work through relationship problems before I give up on them. Is this person kind, supportive, attractive to me, a friend, etc? If the answer is yes, he told me I should not prematurely end it. That often times I create problems that are not there, which is entirely true. A great example is that my boyfriend asked me yesterday about wanting to travel, and I told him I cant go anywhere for a year or two while I try to secure a full-time job. He was understanding but disappointed, and I instantly started wondering if we were are different points in our lives and the relationship would fail.

Does this help to clarify? I know I can be a bit neurotic and at times I lose focus in my stream-of-consciousness replies 🙂

January 26, 2016 at 12:07 pm #93821

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dina:

Your answer does help clarify, gives me more information. You wrote that your family is a double edged sword. I understand you mean that their advice is a bit helpful and a bit harmful, is it? More about my question in my first reply to you: earlier in your life with your family, how safe or unsafe did you feel at home with your mother? Your father? Do you remember feeling afraid often, alone? This will give me more information on the Inside Perspective…in my efforts to be helpful to you.

anita

January 26, 2016 at 12:14 pm #93822

Dina
Participant

I always felt safe in my home, however I never felt safe when it came to discussing my relationships. My father hated my first boyfriend and ultimately forced us to break up. I was angry for a long time and didnt talk to him for about a year (other than casual hello and how are yous). Ultimately the guy ended up cheating on me and my father was right…so that brought on a slew of confusing emotions.

My dad was never satisfied with the people I dated and him questioning them always made me question them…because he was right every single time. I was always afraid to talk to him about relationship problems because I was scared he would advise me to end them and then I wouldnt be able to get it out of my head. I wasnt able to make my own choices anymore. More my fault than his, I know. I spoke to him about it earlier this year and he has become significantly more supportive, only offering advise when I ask for it.

In terms of my mother – shes lovely and supportive, however she taught me that love means consumption. If I didnt cancel all of my plans to do something she wanted, I didnt love my family. So in my relationships..I acted this way. I let the guys consume me and did whatever they wanted.

Its not that way with my current boyfriend. I changed the way I acted, and he is a very open, accepting individual. We are happy doing things together and separately. We have our own hobbies and friends, but we also have mutual hobbies and friends.

January 26, 2016 at 12:15 pm #93823

Ryan
Participant

I have this same wiring in my brain. I think a lot of other people have this wiring, too. In fact, I think this is quite common wiring with which humans evolved over the ages: Humans who had a strong wiring towards “unsatisfaction” were probably pulled towards securing more resources to survive. They tended to work harder, store more food, fight for the best shelter, and survive longer.

This drive for survival is great and all, but I think that where things get screwed up is: when we feel unsatisfied, it’s really really hard to feel enjoyment/happiness/satisfaction. And if happiness is your goal in life, then an overly strong “unsatisfaction wiring” system can hamper your happiness.

I have this situation in my brain especially. My brain has been so unsatisfied for years that I have a fantastic job, a supportive partner, solid health, and a comfortable house — but my brain rarely lets me simply enjoy these things.

A few years ago I started to see that people who had far less of a “successful life” (well, what our culture says is successful) than me were actually far more satisfied that I was. I started digging into this (with some help from a therapist), and it’s been a journey.

Every once in a while (maybe like an hour or two every few months, and it has slowly been increasing), my brain releases its death grips and lets me actually see clearly what I have in my life, and it’s awesome when it does. It feels better than any “success” that I have achieved in my career. It feels like real happiness, real joy. And what’s funny is that no “thing” in my life has changed in those moments, my brain is simply seeing, with clarity, what is already in my life.

I can tell that people with less of the “unsatisfaction wiring” experience these awesome moments far more often than I do.

If happiness/joy is really what we’re chasing, then battling this overly strong unsatisfaction wiring is the actual work that people like me must do.

I have more thoughts on this, but I gotta get back to work; so I’ll stop here for now.

January 26, 2016 at 12:19 pm #93824

Melissa
Participant

Oh my gosh girl! Do I ever hear you! When I read your post I couldn’t help but be pulled back to an almost identical time when everything on the outside looked so great but on the inside I was tangled, not knowing which way was up, and honestly completely and totally afraid, and not even knowing it, HOT MESS!

So, from experience, and from my heart, this is what I would love to ask… Who are you?

I don’t mean for this to be rude or rhetorical in any shape or form, quite the opposite. When I was in a similar situation to yours the thing I realized afterward was that I was so disconnected from myself and the only way to keep on keeping on was to keep doing doing doing, going going going, running running running, moving moving moving. I never stopped to ask myself “Who am I?” And even more importantly, “Who do I want to be?”

Are you really the impatient person who always has a problem and chooses to run from them? Are you the kind of woman who lets jealousy get in the way of learning something important from a relationship? If that’s who you are today, is that who you want to be?

Somehow I think you wouldn’t be writing and sharing here if you really just wanted to pack it in without having the relationship change you as a result of learning something so you can not only be a better you, but also be better in your next relationship. There is often valid reasons for walking away, I don’t think you’re there yet. You’ve hit a bump. You’re not only seeing deeper into him, he’s causing you to see deeper into yourself and that can be freaking so scary!!!! (Believe me, I’ve been doing a lot of digging lately – definitely not easy!)

THE BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF is to get clear on what I value and what I believe in above all else. Honestly, your values and your beliefs are your compass. They help you manifest your dreams and they help you make your every day choices and decisions.

If you’re game, here’s a simple way to get clear on your values and beliefs:
1. Take 15 minutes and write down everything you value and the beliefs you hold. Don’t judge them, write them all, even the things you judge to be “bad” or “wrong”. Write, write, write. Let them bubble up from deep down. Consider everything. Nothing is out of bounds.
2. Go through and read each one out loud. Feel how they feel inside of you. Do they strike a deep chord or do they just sit on the surface? Circle the ones that really really strike you, move you, make you want to shout it from the roof tops. Be vigilant with this. You want to FEEL something with the ones you circle. Not just kind of sort of, but really really feel something.
3. Now from that shorter list, look at them and decide which are the absolutely most important to you and living the life you want to live. The shorter the list the better. I like to say 3-5 but I’ve known people who’ve had 7 or even 9 and that works for them. I think the more you have the less clear you are. And if I’ve learned anything it’s that the more clear I am the better my life is.

Once you’ve done that now look at your relationship with you boyfriend and ask yourself:
Am I living by these values in this relationship? How can I do better at living, breathing, being these values as it relates to this relationship?
What are my boyfriends values (I recommend he do this too and you share these with each other)? How are they in alignment, where are they out of alignment?
Where is my life overall in alignment and out of alignment with these values. In the places where it is out of alignment what must I do in order to create alignment?

And also don’t forget as it relates to your boyfriend. The thing we all crave most is to be seen, to matter. What we most seek is significance. What can you do to “see” him? What can he do to “see” you?

I hope that helps!

With MORE:love,
Melissa

January 26, 2016 at 12:37 pm #93826

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dina:

I would like to continue our conversation, but there are already a few replies or comments to your post and I would like to come back to a conversation with you later on. Take care and it is about finding your own center of truth about yourself and your life where the answers are. Until later:

anita

January 26, 2016 at 12:42 pm #93827

Dina
Participant

@Melissa: You are a wonderful human being. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone. And you’re right. I dont want to throw in the towel. This man is a wonderful person. He does “see” me. He cares about me. He loves me without judgement and he holds all the same morals as I do. I want this to work out, which is why I’m here. I want to know the next steps. I want to know if wanting this to work is the right answer. I’ll try your recommendation. Thank you.

@Ryan: I can so relate to your post. The words you used are very similar to the things my psychiatrist discussed with me. I would love to pick your brain a bit more. How else do you deal with the wiring so it doesnt drive you completely insane?

Thank you to everyone who has posted here. The support and love is really helpful and even though I’m struggling, makes me feel a bit more sane, a bit more normal, and finally not alone. Thank you.

January 26, 2016 at 1:00 pm #93830

Amanda
Participant

I love that you were so open with this post because it makes me realize how im not alone. I literally feel the same way, i have a great boyfriend, a great family and a decent place to live and im constantly always overthinking and feeling a struggle going on internally. I think if he really loves you he wouldnt be jealous of your job AT ALL, love is wanting the other person to be happy selflessly, regardless of his depression or situation, he should never portray any signs of jealousy because that comes from a selfish state of mind, youre his girlfriend he should be happy that youre striving for success. As human beings we can never come to a moment of complete satisfaction as long as we have desire. You need to learn how to be content with yourself, and your life, and be content with the way things are, however dont let this stop you from striving to be your best self. Fear is the opposite of love, and it sounds like its ruining you right now because you feel like youll never know if theres a ” right one” But all of that “right one” is bs, if you feel a connection with that person and they feel the same exact way toward you, and you want them to be happy and they want you to be happy then thats all that matters. You cant be stuck in the future or the past and you cant worry about wasting time either because that itself is wasting time. You just have to ask yourself, do i really want to be with this person? are we benefiting eachothers lives for the better? Do i actually selflessly love this person for who they are despite all their flaws? Love isnt supposed to be all butterflies and rainbows, when you truly love someone you learn to accept all their flaws, even if hes depressed youll get through it with him if you really cherish him as a person . Be greatful for what you have in your life now, even the tiniest things, and you will accumulate so much more just by sending out feelings of gratitude into the universe. Dont think ten steps ahead, always live in the present moment because its all that you have, all of the time, its always here, if you get caught up in the future or the past then you will lose yourself completely because youre worrying about situations that havent even happened yet , and still allowing yourself to be the person you were in your past relationships, which will stop you from growing into a person you want to be ! i hope this helped and i wish you the best 🙂

January 26, 2016 at 1:28 pm #93836

Dina
Participant

Thank you to all of the supportive people who replied to this post. I wanted to update you.

I ended up speaking with my boyfriend, and as you can predict, he helped massively. He calmed my nerves, explaining that the things I think and feel are natural, and then asked me what I thought could break us up. When I told him, he clarified things. How proud he is of me, how he knows his anxiety can be difficult and irrational, but its not about me, and how we can work through things together.

For anyone else who’s ever felt what I feel, talking to the source is always the best way. I feel significantly more relaxed 🙂

January 26, 2016 at 6:09 pm #93851
Ryan
Participant
@Dina — Re: How else do you deal with the wiring so it doesnt drive you completely insane?

I spend a lot of time investigating why I’m wired to be more unsatisfied than the typical human. I haven’t found a single, straightforward solution — maybe someone out there has some secret?

At the core of my particular situation, I think my faulty wiring centers around an unconscious belief that I have little-to-no value/worth. My brain seems to believe that, at any moment, the people in my life will see how worthless I am — and they’ll leave me to fend for myself.

Additionally, it’s pretty clear that I have a strong belief that intimate relationships will hurt my ability to survive — this is evidenced by my incredibly strong reactions to normal intimate situations.

In the past, these beliefs combined me to be a workaholic, which I justified in all the typical ways. But I can see now that the workaholic strategy will never really achieve the happiness/joy I’m hoping to achieve.

Current things that seem to be helping me:
1. Mindfulness throughout my day (I take about an hour total throughout the day for breathing/checking-in with myself)
2. Talk therapy (it’s expensive, but I can easily point to the dividends it has returned my career, relationships, and happiness/joy)
3. Goal-based decision-making (mainly just trying to stop letting my train of thoughts dictate my actions, because those mindlessly-made actions seem to be what keeps me in my anxious/unsatisfied state)

I suppose, that also, after writing this (and reading your suggestion about talking), I might find some value in talking with the people in my life about the worthlessness that I feel — maybe asking them if they actually think I am worthless.

What about you?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Ryan.
January 27, 2016 at 8:44 am #93937

Icy
Participant

I just wanted to pop on here and say “thank you” to the original poster, Dina, and to all the others that have replied.

This post has helped me a lot. I have the same issues and seem to be suck in a state of negativity and unhappiness even though I am very fortunate. Like you Dina, I think mine stems from my childhood as well. I have a major issue with wanting to just run away from issues and give up because it seems like it would ‘solve all my problems’ but in reality I know it will not.

My parents are married still but growing up they argued (and still do) very much. I always saw my dad yelling and ignoring and manipulating my mom and then my mom threatening to leave him. I grew up knowing that it was not normal but still in the back of my mind I keep thinking my husband will eventually act the same, he hasn’t in 10 years, but I think he will and it keeps me from fully trusting him. On top of that I have depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and jealousy issues. It makes for a bad combination but though the years my husband never once said he wanted to leave me and he was there for me through all of the horrible accusations and trust/jealousy issues. And even then, I still think that I should leave him almost every time we had a big argument. I do not know how to overcome this “flight response” issue. I know deep down I love him but my brain keeps telling me that I shouldn’t trust him and I should keep pushing and pushing until he breaks so then my brain can say “Ha, I told you so!” i don’t trust myself either which is bad since I think something along the lines of “I can’t trust what I feel due to my depression and negativity, but what if he is really been manipulating me this whole time, I can’t trust him either so what to do?” He asks me, “Have I ever lied to you?” No. “Have I ever threatened or hinted at leaving like you do to me?” No. “After all this time you still don’t trust me and believe that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you?” No. And this all breaks my heart so badly as I type this. 🙁

I’m very glad you talked with a therapist and you posting what they told you really helped me as well. Thank you so much for posting this again. You aren’t alone in this. I just wish I had some helpful advice to give but I haven’t figured it out myself yet. 🙂
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