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Why did he leave if he wanted to marry me?

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  • #52644
    Iva
    Participant

    My boyfriend (31) of one year broke up with me Jan 17 after we got into an argument and this was our first fight apart ever since we been together. I’m 25 and we both have similar family background and it was truly love at first sight and a match made in heaven. We lived together for the entire year, he would come home from his trips and spend 3-4/7 days of the week with me. We talked/texted/skyped all the time he was away and time would just fly by until I would see him again. We had our fair share of arguments basically because of my expectations from him & his lack of planning/expressing love. I planned surprise dates & fun activities plus spoiled him rotten & just wanted him to reciprocate a bit. I know yelling/arguing wasn’t the best method but he always did something nice & thoughtful after a fight. We both loved each other dearly, were suppose to get married next year, he was going to propose me before graduation (May) and our families (Indian) were all preparing for our big day. We had three big fights in less than 2 weeks in Dec and it did take a toll on us. I apologized to him genuinely several times, quit drinking for good, taking meditation classes to control my emotions etc and he knows I’m making those positive changes. Last time we talked on Jan 17 he told me he love me but we don’t have healthy relationship ( using a friends wife advice who doesn’t know or have even met me once). He always did nice things after a fight in the past so this time too we got in an argument & mean hurtful things were said on my part because I was hurt after his lack of efforts on our anniversary but even after the fight he said I love you. I called him later that night, things were good still & then out of blue 2 weeks later he decided to not work it out. We have always talked about “getting through anything” and now I can’t even get through him. He got me a promise ring last year, always held me tight & asked me to never leave him and cried because the told me no one ever cared for him like I did. Now he is ignoring me, my family , my friends everyone. Last time I tried to make a contact with him was Feb 5th. I’m going out of country for a month next month to visit family back home. I don’t know if he is still hurt/mad/or have just forgotten all good times and wants to move on? None of his friends responded to my messages in Jan when I wanted to reach out to him. I feel lost, hurt and I’m not sure where all that love went? He wanted this more than anything, told me I was everything he always wanted in life and our families were so happy too. His mom still replied back & asked me to take care of myself and let God take care of things. Why is he acting so stubborn and like a teenager. We both made mistakes that lead to the fight, will he ever come back? He recently wished my best friend & her fiancee on their engagement & when she asked the question of meeting me in person, he completely ignored the topic & didn’t give a yes or no. He deactivated his Fb too and just got back on last night.
    I’m so confused, I love him & know he love me too infact first person he ever loved so how could he let go so easily 🙁
    Can someone help me understand why a guy so in love and committed wouldn’t even want to meet and discuss things in person? I used to see him every 4-5 days and now it’s been over 2 months :'( someone please help me! WHAT SHOULD I DO?! He lived 2 hrs away and came down on weekends to spend time with me. We spend a lot of time together and it was his decision to come visit all the time and even I went down when I was free on weekends. He established a social life here with my friends and everything happened so naturally :(. In our culture ( Indian) once families are involved, it’s a done deal 🙁 I have given unconditional love this whole time, even though he’s not with me right now I am still committed to him. I recently received my first meditation certificate and am 2.5 months sober. He just got back on facebook last night & still has our pics and my posts in his wall. I’ve done everything & more to get him back, I have not called him or texted since Feb 5th is there any hope? I hope someone shows me a light in this dark tunnel over here :'(

    #52667
    sojourner
    Participant

    Hello Iva, Blessings to you.

    I’m going to play the heavy here, devil’s advocate, so to speak, so please forgive me for calling you out on a few things. In your last paragraph you say you “have given unconditional love this whole time…” I humbly submit you need to revisit what unconditional love is. At the beginning of your story you said several times that you fought over his not meeting your expectations in terms of things he does for you and returning your affection and how you “want him to reciprocate”. That, dearest one, is NOT unconditional. You are loving him very much WITH conditions. You want him to love you in the fashion you love him. If he did that, he would be you, not him. That is not fair nor is it uncondtional.

    Either learn to accept him the way he is, or move on. Better yet, learn how to love yourself first and be your own best friend so that you are not requiring that from him. It will free you up to be relaxed instead of constantly needing validation from him. And it will be easier for him to love you.

    There is no doubt that you love and are devoted to him but I think you have made him feel that no matter how much he tries to make you happy, it is never enough. He has given up, feeling picked on and inadequate and is now avoiding what must be very painful. Especially since encounters with you increasingly were about yelling and arguing instead of loving.

    Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they won’t.

    We all put our best foot forward when we start down the relationship path with someone we think might be THE ONE. After time goes by, we cannot sustain our best foot forward, our real selves start to surface and that’s where it gets ugly. There are things that reveal themselves as issues that cannot stand the test of time.

    He is in pain. You are in pain. None of us likes to be in pain, which is how it was becoming for him, so he made the break. You ask where the love went? It went away because it was replaced with a painful beating about the head and heart for him (and you to a certain degree. The difference being that you are still wanting the relationship where he has clearly given up on it).

    If we don’t nurture love, if we fight and yell and argue, love will leave. It cannot thrive in an angry, hostile environment.

    You may have a lesson to learn here, and it may be at the expense of the relationship, especially since he has cut off communication. How do I know this? Because I did the same thing.

    We must learn to love and accept our partner for WHO THEY ARE, not for WHO WE WANT THEM TO BE. You are in love with a vision, with a dream of how YOU want him to be, what YOU want the relationship to be, not with who he is and with what the realities of your relationship are.

    The light in the tunnel is ahead of you, not behind you. You are on the right path with meditation and sobriety. Best wishes.

    #52671
    Iva
    Participant

    Thanks for the kind words I truly appreciate you taking out your time and going over these details. What bothers me all the time is that if it was bothering him all this time why didn’t he ever say anything, why did he do nice things after an argument and made it look like everything was normal. I know I was wrong but his actions lead me to make such harsh comments. People say partnerships are give and take relationships, so as a girl who put so much in the relationship was I all that wrong to expect some reciprocation back? We had mostly good times, I was there through his thin & thick, did things for his parents that I didn’t even do for my own family because YES I loved him and still do. So all I want to know is that why did he not leave before, why he never sat once and said “look I know you’re upset but you can’t say those things or I’m going to end this relationship”. Sorry for my poor analogy but it’s like giving a kid a candy bar after he throws tantrum instead of telling him not to repeat that behavior. No one is perfect so when things get hard do people have to leave? What about compromises & all the promises you make when you were emotional high? He knew I was going through rough time and was very exhausted from everything so it is just sad to see that he opted for the easy way out. He got back on Facebook last night & even though he changed his profile pic & cover pic on Jan 7th he still has previous pics and my posts why? His Fb was all about my posts literally. It was more than a relationship, it’s marriage for me and yes things got little rough over basic expectations so yes you are absolutely right “never live with a dream” but now I understand that. All I wanted for him was to come and sit in person. Our common friends both guys & girls think that arguments are a part of relationship not end of it. I just wish he once just once made it look like he wasn’t ok and I would’ve made these changes long long time ago. Now is there any way you think seeing those positive changes that I promised, it might spark old love in his heart and he might be willing to give it a shot considering I’m the one he ever loved, introduced to family & wanted to marry :'(
    I learn the hard way & this by far was the hardest lesson of my life. Thanks for the kind reply again, I truly appreciate it!

    #52690
    Chad
    Participant

    Iva I will follow suit with sojourner and point out some things in your second post that concern me about your situations. You say ” his actions lead me to make such harsh comments” It doesnt seem you are truly taking responsibility for your behavior here. You are saying well if he hadnt done X then I wouldnt have done Y so its his fault I act like this. That’s the relationship you want, one where fire is fought with fire and two wrongs make a right? When that simply is not true. You give away your power by letting someones actions influence yours. Instead of handling a situation in a becoming way that reflects the person you are. Your reactions are your own, you can not blame him. “partnerships are give and take relationships, so as a girl who put so much in the relationship was I all that wrong to expect some reciprocation back” Yes the term partnership implies equality, if someone isnt doing what you feel is their fair share, you will never be able to make them. They may be doing what they are comfortable giving for various reasons, and to them they may think its enough. So the choice is yours, accept what it is you are getting or say to yourself “this relationship is not meeting my needs, this person is not contributing back in a way I would like” and move on from it. You also need to check what your expectations are, often times we set them so high no mere mortal could achieve what it is we ask.

    I can tell this experience is very fresh for you. Just reading your second post, I can hear myself asking the same exact question just a month ago on the heels of my bad break up. I have accepted the following. Simply that he is his own person, entitled to his own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Because I dont/cant/wont understand them or he isnt doing what I want him to or what others/friend say he should do, does not make him bad or wrong, but simply wrong for me. When you think of things from a selfish point of view, i.e. what you want, what you need its hard to let go. When you start loving this man, truly loving him, not for what you can gain, but for his benefit. You’ll realize there was something about the dynamic in your relationship, that made it unhealthy. You certainly can love someone unconditionally, but unconditional love does not imply unconditional relationship.

    You say this is the hardest lesson of your life, what are you learning? Its less about what you learn about him, as he’s gone, he doesnt matter anymore. What did you learn about yourself? Not to be harsh but when relationships end its usually because there were issues on both ends…. so what was your part? We’ve established you cant control or change him, so put what he did out of your mind. Focus on the things you can change and control, yourself. Do some serious reflection be humble and honest but also compassionate with yourself about what it is your find. So that way when you find another relationship you wont be doomed to the same mistakes.

    You sounds like you’re stuck in the “death by analysis” phase of your break up, where your ruminate and play over all the things they ever said or did or all the things you did or could have done better, to pinpoint the moment it all went to hell. The reality is it was just a bad situation all around. This can be a very painful part of the breakup, you just have to keep centering your mind and focusing on yourself and less on him. It will go away, and hopefully you will be able to take the pain away and look back and smile, for the good times, and also for the bad knowing they were simply a test and an opportunity to grow. Hope you feel better, time helps.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Chad.
    #52711
    Shellie
    Participant

    Hi Iva,
    I very recently experienced a breakup, we were together for over a year, and we were very close, lived with each other for a few months and met each other’s families.
    I do think, at this moment, you have done all that you could do. Do not make assumptions as to why he broke up with you. Focus on the facts… you two are no longer together. Maybe he will come back, maybe he will not. However, during this time, you have to make YOU the priority. Continue improving yourself and becoming a better person.

    I read some advice on here a few weeks ago where someone suggest that you give yourself 6 months. After 6 months of working on yourself, if you feel as if your feelings for this person remains the same, then reach out again once you two have had some time apart. Right now, since the breakup is fresh, you will be over-romanticizing the relationship and only time will allow you to see the relationship clearly. At the time of my breakup, I over-romanticized and did not even realize it.

    There is a difference between attachment and love.

    As a believer in a higher power, everything that happens will reveal its purpose as to why. Take it in stride. Accept the pain. Embrace it. In addition, every day do something for YOU. Fall in love with yourself and being a better person.

    I hope your heart heals. However, you have to do yourself a favor and don’t unnecessarily prolong the grief that you are experiencing.

    Again, since you have tried numerous times to reach out to him, he knows that you are willing to work things out. You did everything that you could. Give him the time he needs to think.

    I hope your heart heals.

    #52725
    Iva
    Participant

    Thank you so very much Chad & Shellie. It’s good to get both guy’s & girl’s perspective on this issue. I am very loving person and have faith in God & my love so sooner or later he will come through for me! I appreciate all the kind words, & Shellie I wish you the same as well, I’m working on myself as much as I can and rest is on him & fate.

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